FORESTER

2011-11-30T17:35:00.000-08:00

I tried talking to my wife yesterday about me needing to take a step back from the church right now. She seemed frustrated and almost as though she didn't believe me, or that I could actually be saying something like that. She knows I've been struggling with participation in the church for years, so I was a little surprised by her reaction. Although, as I anticipated, she didn't want to talk about it. She complains about our lack of communication and then gets frustrated when I try to communicate. This is one of the reasons I have not told her about me being attracted to men.

It's interesting that, ever since I've allowed myself to actually doubt the veracity of the church, when I listen to talks and lessons in church, it's unbelievable what is being said. I've been seeing things from a whole new perspective. I never realized how many contradictions there are in church doctrine. Granted, the majority of what people say in church is not really doctrine, but instead their preception of doctrine. There are many beautiful concepts contained in the church doctrine, such as the promise of living forever, but there are many doctrines that even though they once seemed desirable, are no longer what I would want in an afterlife. Nor are the "blessings" saught after in this life that desirable as taught in the church. The things that most members of the church enjoy, I do not enjoy. I guess what I'm saying is that what the church has to offer, both in this life and the next is simply not desirable to me. What the church teaches as happiness, is not what makes me happy. This isn't to say that every doctrine and belief of the church does not make me happy.

I don't yet know to what extent I don't believe anymore. I don't feel that everything the church teaches is wrong. However, I'm allowing everything to be put on the table. I'm allowing myself to assess what I really believe and ask some difficult qusestions. And I'm doing it from a more open perspective.

2011-09-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

It has been a little over a year since we moved back to Utah. The past year has been very interesting and I've come to learn a lot about myself. I didn't think I would ever "lose" my testimony of the church, but it's looking like I at least need a break to sort things out. I have had some incredible experiences in the church and have an enourmous amount of respect for the members of the church. I just feel like I'm not happy when I go to church. I feel so much better about myself when I don't go. I don't fully blame the church, I know a lot of it has to do with myself. There must be a happy medium somewhere. That's one of the hard things about the church. You're either in or your out, there is no room for someone in-between.

I had an incredible day yesterday with another MOHO. We took our kids to the park (without our wives) and just spent a couple of hours talking and laying out on the grass while watching our kids play. Neither one of us had alterior motives. We are both dedicated to our wives and trying to make things work. I rarely get the opportunity to just talk about my feelings and just be myself. Is it possible to have a close relationship with another gay guy without crossing any lines? I guess it helps if you're not attracted to each other, or at least one of you isn't. This guy (you know who you are) is totally hot, both in his personality and looks (lethal combination). Luckily, I don't think he is attracted to me. However, I'm just glad to have the opportunity to get to know another MOHO and hopefully support each other. I look forward to continuing our friendship and making new gay friends.

Tonight is the MOHO party at the Nicholson's. I'm trying to figure out a way to go, but it's not looking very promising. I'm getting close to coming out to my wife, so I'm going to need all the support I can get. There is no way I can do this alone.

2011-07-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

My life has taken an interesting turn over the past few months. I've begun to see some things more clearly, but I've also become more confused, frustrated, lonely and alienated. I've been coming out to more people and have met a few MOHOS from this blog world and others here in Salt Lake. I've also been connecting more with them on Facebook. Overall, it hasn't been that great of an experience (with a few exceptions). It's just made my life more complex and confusing. I'm not sure who to turn to and who to trust anymore. I know I haven't made the best effort to connect with others, but for me, just making the effort is a huge step. I know I offended a few of you with the over 40 only comment. There are actually many of you who I would like to meet who are over 40 (Beck and Bravone to name two).

Lately, (actually, for quite some time now) I've been struggling with the culture of the church. It really bothers me how many perceive what the church is and really have little clue of what it is. The teachings of the church have been so watered down over my lifetime that nobody addresses the tough issues anymore, and when they actually do, the conjecture, misunderstandings and sterilized knowledge of the doctrine totally turns me off. Nobody seems to question anything. How can anyone expect us to progress individually and as a church without taking a hard look at the way we do things. Lets get rid of the cultural "teachings" and focus on the real doctrine of the church. Lets stop focusing on numbers (do you do your hometeaching every month, we need six people to fulfill this assignment at the mill, at the temple), stop making the EQ the cheap labor. Why doesn't anyone pay for movers? It's really not that expensive. Forced service is not the way to go. Guilting us into doing things is not the way to go. Lets revamp the three hour block. Have you been to primary lately? It's not the primary I grew up with and the changes have not been for the better (most of the changes have been socially and culturally based, not doctrinally based). I could go on and on. I know that nobody is perfect and that most are doing their best. I don't necessarily blame individuals for the way things have gotten. I blame the culture.

It's not my intent to bash the church, just the opposite. I have an incredible testimony of Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, temple work, and all the other incredible things about the church. I just feel so alienated. I know a lot of it is my own fault, I admit that. But I'm tired of being judged because I don't do all, or even most of the things that others "think" I should be doing. Maybe it's just because I'm not a social person and the programs in the church all seem to be socially oriented. We have to participate in this, and participate in that. I would prefer to do things on my own. I know that most need these social aspects of the church, but for those of us who don't, it doesn't make us bad people. Social activities drain the hell out of me - including church Sunday meetings. I don't feel rejuvinated in the least. I'm made to feel guilty and not worthy. After teaching primary I feel totally wiped out (and not in a good way). Maybe I just need a break. I feel bad for those who have to do so much each Sunday (especially the Bishop and auxiliary leaders). I'm really beginning to question the whole lay leadership thing. I would like to go and be able to just sit and learn, feel at peace and focus without having to do anything. I know that contradicts what we have been taught in the church. We're supposed to serve each other and help each other. But there's got to be a better way.

2011-06-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

So I know I haven't posted in forever and so much has been happening in my life that I've wanted to post, the only problem is I've been able to meet some of you who follow my blog since moving to Utah and I don't want to blog about these experiences if they might offend. It's one thing exposing my private life, but it's another thing exposing somebody else. I know I can change names, etc, but those who know me would know I'm talking about them, and although most of my comments would be good, I would still hold back some of my true feelings, making me not want to blog about it. I've also become increasingly scared that someone I know will discover my blog and be able to connect the dots. I really admire those of you who have come out to your wives, families and friends, especially those of you who are open in your church wards.

Yesterday my wife told me that she had a dream that I didn't want to be with her any more. She doesn't know that I'm gay, but it's obvious that she feels this disconnect between us, even though I am totally dedicated to her. I have enough problem trying to convince her that I love her without having the extra burden of having to prove myself to her if she knew I was gay. Those who I have come out to are usually totally surprised, although there have been a couple that said they knew. Usually these are gay friends who knew what to "watch" for and with whom I've already been able to make a connection. I've realized that I have this fundamental fear of people thinking or finding out that I'm gay. I would say at least 50% of the time, if not more, when I interact with straight guys, internally I keep telling myself that I hope they don't think I'm gay. It has become such a natural response to hide my attraction to guys in every social situation, with friends, family, ward members (especially ward members). Because of this, I tend to suppress everything about me, not just that I'm gay, but anything about me that may lead anyone to think I'm gay. I find myself not wanting to be in social situations, not wanting to give responses in church classes, not wanting to share anything about myself with others. Most the time, I don't even realize what I'm doing, it just comes so naturally now. Hiding my attraction to guys at all costs has been my reality for so many years. Now I find myself not knowing how to interact with people, having to second guess everything I do and say. Why do I live in this world of deception? I'm just too afraid to tell people I love, so I end up telling people I hardly know, like the guy who cuts my hair or somebody I've met on-line in my same situation. I thought I could live in this "secret" world without too many repercussions, but I'm finding there are many results that I never realized until now.

2011-01-28T11:34:00.000-08:00

I think I'm ready to start meeting other Mohos in Salt Lake City, where I live now. If you're interested, let me know. I would prefer to only meet guys under 40 - but I might make an exception.

2010-12-27T17:04:00.000-08:00

Two days without wearing my religious undergarments. What an incredible feeling of freedom. Due to a broken washing machine, we weren't able to get to our laundry until a few days after I ran out of clean garments (for those of you unfamiliar with these garments, pleas see this link: http://www.ldschurchtemples.com/mormon/underwear/). I have a few pair of Hanes briefs that I use at the gym, so I ended up wearing them instead of garments for a couple days, just the briefs, no undershirt. Aside from feeling a little colder, I felt so incredibly liberated and quite sexual. I loved being able to unbutton an extra button on my shirt and let a little bit of chest show. I loved the feeling of my clothes directly on my skin.

Having this rare opportunity, I decided to take advantage of it. I decided to go to the mall and clothes shop. First stop was Banana Republic. I grabbed some clothes off the shelf and headed toward the changing rooms. It was one of those changing rooms more open to the store and there were 3 cut guys working there. One of them unlocked the door for me and said to let him know if I needed any additional sizes. I stripped down to my Hanes and tried on a white shirt so thin that you could see my skin and a pair of slim pants. I've recently lost 10 lbs and am down to a size 31 waist. When I opened the door to ask the guy if I could get another size, there were two male employees hanging up clothes. Both of them came over to me and commented on the fit of my clothes and made some suggestions on pant length. The feeling of these two guys looking at me was so incredible. I went back into the changing room and tried on a few more clothes. When I came back out to ask them what they thought, another male employee had joined them. There were now three guys helping me, getting clothes for me, asking me how things fit and just talking to me. I loved being the center of attention. I've never had that many guys waiting on me and checking me out all at the same time.

So I took things up a notch and left my door ajar as I changed into the next outfit. I don't know for sure, but I think they could see me changing. They weren't leering into the changing room, but I think they stole a glance or two as they were hanging up clothes and asking me how things fit. One of them came to the door and asked if I needed any additional sizes. I had a pair of jeans on but no shirt, so I opened the door and asked him for another pair of jeans. When he came back, I had taken off the jeans and was just in my briefs. He knocked and I opened the door, just long enough to take the new pair of jeans and say thanks. I loved it when he smiled at me and said something like "nice undies". I said thanks and quickly closed the door. I got dressed into my own clothes and came back out. If I could have, I would have stayed there another hour trying on clothes, letting the male employees gawk a little at me, but I had to get going. I haven't been back since then, but look forward to the next time.

I'm curious to know if any of you think I crossed a line by doing this. The situation was innocent enough. A guy trying on clothes. I was actually in need of new pants since I lost the weight, so I was there for a legitimate reason. I didn't ask for a male employee to help me, that's just who happened to be there. I guess I could have been a little more discrete while changing, but guys change in front of guys all the time.

2010-12-13T13:58:00.000-08:00

I feel that my wife absolutely hates me (at least most of the time). This is something that has happened slowly over the years. I think most of the time she just tolerates me. I feel bad that I'm not the person she thought I was (let alone being gay). I think I let her down all the time with the minor things, so anything major, such as telling her I'm gay, would just cement her hatred. However, I have to believe that in some way she still loves me. If I said to her that I feel like she hates me, she would deny it - maybe acknowledge that she is often angry with me, but not hate me. She has stuck with me for almost 15 years, so I must believe she is at least dedicated to our marriage. But I wonder how much she does it out of commitment instead of love. I wonder how much I do it out of commitment, not love. I guess any relationship requires both. Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to leave. Lately, things have gotten much more complicated and I find myself doubting the path I have chosen. There are times I feel like there is no solution and I wish I could just walk away from everything, or even end it all (as in ending my life). I try not to go there too often.

On a lighter note, I have a crush on a guy. He is gay. I've been trying to find ways of spending time with him, but haven't been too successful. We went to lunch a few days ago and I had a great time. I haven't told him I'm gay and he knows I'm married. He wouldn't do anything to come between me and my relationship with my wife and family, but part of me wishes he would. I've never had a close gay friend who knew I was gay. It just seems too dangerous if I want to stay committed to my wife. I wish we could just be close friends without having to worry about it. Am I strong enough to have close gay friends and stay true to my wife, family and church? I'm not worried about the friend, I'm worried about myself. Maybe if I just told him the truth about being gay and told him I want to stay with my wife, we could develop a close friendship. I just don't know if I trust myself. I know that many of you married, gay men struggle with how, and if, to develop relationships with other gay men. We need someone to confide in that understands and accepts us for who we are and it's hard to find this in a straight friend.

2010-12-11T21:28:00.000-08:00

So I haven't written a post for a very long time. But, nobody seems to really care that I haven't been around on the blogosphere, so maybe this is it. Is there anyone interested in hearing the latest about my "secret" life I'm leading as a gay married man? I remain devoted to my wife and my religion, but it's a continual struggle. Part of the reason I have stopped blogging is because I'm so afraid of too many people finding out my true identity. The more details I share, the easier it will be for someone, the wrong one, to connect the dots.

2010-03-18T17:58:00.000-07:00

In looking back over the years, I realize I have done a lot of self-loathing. I think it's a common practice that many of us fall into and unfortunately makes our lives miserable. Sometimes we mistakenly believe, whether consciously or subconsciously, that it's the church's fault, and in some cases, it jsut may be the fault of some church leadership, locally or at a higher level. However, in looking at the teachings of the church, the actual doctrine, self-loathing is not part of the plan. In fact, the opposite is true. So why do I do it? Why do I allow myself to think that I am less worthy, less loved, less acceptable to God?

For me personally, there seems to be a constant feeling of being tarnished, that I will never be able to live up to the standards of the church. I worry that if I allow myself too much leeway, I'll be able to rationalize behavior that would lead me down paths I don't want to go. These are paths I don't want to pursue because I want to be with my wife and family more than I want to be with another man. I know that some of you have been able to embrace being gay (without acting on it) while maintaining a wife and family. Is this only possible by being totally out to our wives, family, friends and many others? Does my secrecy, by its nature, lend toward self-loathing? I have no acceptance from my wife, family and church because I have not allowed them the opportunity to accept me for who I am. By receiving this acceptance, or support, does it aleviate the self-loathing? I don't want to hate myself anymore because I am gay. Looking again at my past, I don't think this really became apparant in my life until after I was married and began having kids. Previously, I don't recall ever being down on myself because I was gay. I knew that I was accepted by God and I knew that He loved me. Why has this changed? I'm having a hard time overcoming this evil of self-loathing. Because that's exactly what it is. Self-loathing does not come from God, it comes from a being who wants me to "be miserable like unto himself".

2010-03-13T14:52:00.000-08:00

A close friend of mine, who knows I have SGA, and who is pretty hot looking, happens to owe me a lot of money. So much money that there is no way he could pay me back within the next 20 years. He's been struggling with paying the bills and expressed a desire to settle our debt. As we were brainstorming about how to reduce the amount he owed, how much he could pay me monthly, or other ways to pay me back, he jokingly suggested that he knew of a way to pay me back by giving me what I've wanted for so long: to be with another man, in this case, him.

Believe me, there was a brief moment I actually considered his offer. A brief flash of excitement. But, it was only for a second. I knew there was no possible way of even entertaining this idea. My friendship to him, my devotion to my wife and family, the promises I have made to God, all mean more to me than a brief moment of desire, albeit a long awaited desire. Unlike some of you, I have never had the experience of actually being with another man sexually. Every now and then, sometimes more now than than, the desire is so strong (not just sexually, but also emotionally) and I come close to giving it all away for one chance to experience what I have wanted for so long.

We quickly moved on to another topic and didn't come back to talking about his debt to me. We parted ways and I haven't talked to him for a week. I know that I won't bring it back up again, but there is the possibility that he would and that he would make the same offer.

2010-03-07T22:44:00.001-08:00

2010-03-07T22:42:00.001-08:00

2010-01-29T14:02:00.001-08:00

I know that many connections have been made about Twilight and Mormon theology, but have any been made about Twilight and gay men in the church? For those of you who have seen the movies or read the books you know that Edward and his "family" are "vegetarians" and they have committed to not give in to their vampire yearnings and not prey on humans. They keep their dark secret of being vampires from the rest of society while living among humans. Edward falls in love with Bella (a human) and tries not to let her know that he's a vampire. This is exactly how I feel with SGA. I want to live among the members of the church and not give in to my yearnings. I try so desperately to keep this part of me a secret. The vampires in Twilight wonder if they will eventually go to hell, even thought they are doing everything to live a better way. I know that I'm not going to hell, but I wonder about the degree of my own salvation. I often feel like my attempts to live a life that I believe to be right are a lost cause and I'm just going to end up hurting everyone around me. But just as the characters in Twilight, there is a glimmer of hope and a righteous struggle to go against my very nature. I wish there was a book or a movie about a gay married Mormon guy trying to live his faith against all odds. I wouldn't mind if Robert Pattinson played my part. Maybe a film like this would help members of the church understand our plight, and maybe even make us look cool.

2009-12-31T14:03:00.000-08:00

I went to the doctor today for a routine blood test. Little did I know that I had been scheduled for a full work-up, including an EKG. Luckily I had showered, shaved, etc. because I hate removing my clothes for the nurses and doctors smelling/looking like I just rolled out of bed or just got back from the gym. You would think that they would have let me know when they called to confirm. I hate surprises, especially those of the naked kind (at least when I'm the one getting naked and nobody else is). I know that doctors say they don't care how the patient looks, but I just don't buy that. I think they can appreciate someone who has taken the time to be clean and pleasant. If I were a doctor or a nurse, I would appreciate a clean patient that is mostly in-shape and somewhat pleasant to look at and be around. But that's just me. Not that I'm the hottest guy in town, but I can hold my own.

But the real surprise was that I found out that my estrogen levels are really high and my testosterone is quite low. My doctor said that sometime between the ages of 35-45 this happens to all men. However, he was concerned that since I am relatively young (in my 30s), I may want to consider testosterone shots weekly, a topical gel containing testosterone or inserting pellets into my hip every six months that release testosterone slowly, as well as taking pills twice a week that lower estrogen. He said that low testosterone makes muscle build-up more difficult, lowers libido, makes you feel less energetic and more lethargic, and a host of other things, none of them severe. Before I left his office, he gave me a shot of testosterone to see if it makes any difference.

Having a lower libido makes things (sex in particular) more difficult with my wife, but maybe it could also help in curbing SGA, making it less likely that I will want to look at porn, etc.? I guess I'm worried that increasing my testosterone will make it more difficult for me to "be good" when it comes to my SGA. I kind of like the thought of low testosterone (except for the muscle-building thing). I've thought about asking my doctor about this. He is LDS and knows about my SGA (at least I told him a few years ago and I assume that he remembers - we never talk about it anymore). Have any of you guys been in this situation before?

2009-12-22T16:29:00.000-08:00

So another day has come and nearly gone in the life of a gay married Mormon man. I've been rushing around doing last minute gift buying and getting things ready for the big day. I was at Best Buy today, searching for a video game my young son so desperately wants. I got a little side-tracked by the flat-panel televisions and how much the prices have dropped this year. While looking at one in particular, with not a gay thought in my head (which was incredible considering all the great looking guys out Christmas shopping), a cute guy comes up to me and asks if I worked at the Wynn Casino, stating that I looked like someone he had met there. I tell him no, that it must have been someone else. Instead of leaving, he states again that I look a lot like this other guy but then asks what I do for a living. I was wondering to myself if he had used a line on me to start a conversation. Being intrigued (because I have never been approached by another man) I told him what I did. He asked a couple of follow-up questions and I replied, all the while trying to determine if he was gay. I didn't get the gay vibe from him and thought maybe that I was making him uncomfortable by gazing into his incredible eyes while I talked. However, he approached me. I'm not very good at holding conversations with complete strangers and didn't even think to ask him any questions, especially since I couldn't stop thinking that maybe he was trying to hit on me, or at least make a new friend. Then suddenly, just as quick as he had approached me from nowhere, he said "good bye" or "see you later" or something a long those lines, and walked away, leaving me staring at a flat-screen t.v. that had once held my attention but now was nothing compared to the fantastic 90 seconds I had just had talking with this guy.

After that, I aimlessly walked around the store for another 10 minutes, wondering if this guy had tried to hit on me or was just being friendly. At some point in our quick conversation did he discover that he didn't really want to get to know me, even though I had looked like a good prospect? Did he realize that I might be gay and that he had accidentally given me a reason to want to talk to him, and then upon this realization he decided to end the conversation because he was straight? For a few brief moments, I was held captive and somewhat powerless. If he had asked if I wanted to go for coffee or get together sometime, would I have been able to say no thanks? Should I have tried to add more to the conversation to give me more time to find out if he was gay or just wanting to be friends or maybe both? I could use a good straight friend. Either way, I'm sad that I didn't respond quicker and find out more about him.

2009-12-08T17:20:00.000-08:00

Ever so alone, I feel guilty for even participating in this blog world without my wife knowing. I know it's my own fault for not telling her, but I just can't. So the question is do I keep participating behind my wife's back, or stop this blog altogether. I rationalize that it's good for me to communicate with others in my same situation. I once took it one step further and met another gay Mormon man - not with bad intent. I just wanted to talk face-to-face. Although it was a good experience and I wish I could have developed that friendship, I had to tell him that we couldn't get together anymore, at least not until I told my wife. Having a blog is one thing, but there are times when it just doesn't suffice. I want to develop closer friendships with all of you. I have allowed some of you to join my Facebook site, opening the door a little wider. With this, you know my true identity, can seem pictures of me and my family and read about my real life. It scares me to have even made this move toward some of you. I have placed a lot of trust in you. But I long for friendships that go beyond this blog, or even Facebook.

So, the two questions I need help with are:

1. Should I keep this blog without telling my wife?

2. Should I restrict my actions and communication to this blog and not meet any other men in my same situation?

2009-11-10T17:18:00.000-08:00

The other day a close friend, who has had trouble with relationships (twice divorced) asked me what it was like to really be in love. I told him that being in love with someone means that you would have a very difficult time living without them, that your life would be completely turned upside down if they left you and that you want to spend not only this life with them, but all eternity. For me, if I lost my wife through death or divorce, I would never recover from it and I would have little to live for that had real meaning, other than my children. If I lost both my wife and children, I don't think I could survive. Literally. Maybe that's why, when it really comes down to it, I have never been with another man, even with all the desire and close calls, I have always found a way out. I'm not saying that those who have fallen and been unfaithful to their spouse don't love them enough. We do stupid things in the heat of the moment and Satan has a way of clouding our judgement, even in the face of great love. But, for me, when I ask myself what love is, it means staying with my wife and family in the face of great odds. In the face of living a life of being attracted to the same sex and choosing a wife and family, as well as a religion that views homosexual acts (not desires) as a sin.

2009-11-05T16:33:00.000-08:00

I love getting my hair cut, mostly because I crave the touch of another man. I don't even care that it's not a sexual touch, just an innocent touch, a closeness. It has little to do with any erotic thoughts, and instead, has to do with acceptance and love on a higher level. Getting my hair cut is one of the very few places I know of that I can go and be touched without feeling guilty, knowing that it's a "safe" touch. I'm not even attracted to the guy that cuts my hair, although I suspect he is gay.

Earlier today, I had another incidence of innocent touch where the guy helping me do something had to take my arm, hand and fingers and hold onto them for a good 20 minutes. It felt good - a warm fuzzy feeling, again not erotic. Both mine and his arms were bare, as we were both wearing short-sleeved shirts. He was focused on the work he was doing, intent on doing it right. I don't think he was aware of my focus on his touch. There was little conversation during our closeness (both of us total strangers). He made the comment that my hands were a little sweaty. I was nervous but he wasn't. This was part of his regular job. I wondered how many arms and hands he had held during his job...many I'm sure. Although I could tell that he didn't have to do this on a regular basis. I would disclose what it was we were doing, but it would give too much information about me. I know I have posted about touch a few times already, and some have said that there is no way that touch like this is not at least somewhat erotic. But, it's not. It's so much more than that.

2009-10-12T14:55:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know if there is such a thing as an on-line LDS Bishop or other authority that you can anonymously write to? I've talked before to my previous bishops about my same gender attraction (SGA), but I'm not ready to come out to my current bishop. I would like to ask some questions about SGA and feelings of worthiness. Even though I accept that I am attracted to other men and that the attraction in and of itself does not constitute a sin, I still never feel very worthy. I know that it's impossible to be perfect and that everyone needs to continually repent, but at what point does the sin become too grievous? At what point do ecclesiastical leaders need to intervene? For the most part, I've reached an equilibrium or an acceptance for who I am and where I stand with SGA. However, there remains with me an amount of sin that I fail to overcome. For example, I tend to look at questionable images and video a couple of times a month (soft porn). Is this an addiction, and if so, how much of a problem is it with respect to my worthiness to take the sacrament, attend the temple, give blessings and participate in ordinances? Although I repent frequently through personal prayer and do feel some degree of forgiveness, I know that I am bound to repeat these sins, creating an almost endless cycle and continual feeling of unworthiness.

2009-09-21T16:49:00.000-07:00

I went to a new doctor a few days ago for an exam. What is it about proximity and attraction? Part of the exam required that he lean close to me without touching me too much. Although he wasn't necessarily attractive, I found myself enjoying the closeness of the moment - and not necessarily in a sexual way. I don't know if he could feel it, but I could feel an energy between us, something that left me wanting to be close like that again. It seemed to me that he too was trying to be a little closer, within the bounds of keeping the exam professional and not wanting to make me feel uncomfortable in any way. Yes, he was examining me, but I have also felt this proximity thing on a number of occasions with other men in even less provocative situations. While at work last week, a male coworker, who I again don't really find attractive, leaned over my computer to show me something, leaving his bare upper arm (short-sleeved shirt), just above the elbow, directly in front of my face, within a couple of inches. Again there was this amazing energy that just seemed to melt me. I could have easily leaned in and kissed his bicep.

Without making this post too arousing, I'm trying to explain a phenomenon I have rarely experienced with women. There seems to be an invisible line, that once crossed, creates this incredible energy. For me, it seems to be somewhere between six to twelve inches. Once another body comes within or under this range, something ignites, even if I'm not that attracted to the person, and I don't mean this in just a sexual way, it's different, although it could lead to greater sexual arousal. It's almost like I'm starving for some sort of physical male contact or at least proximity. Typically, I like my space and don't like it when someone takes the seat directly next to me in a meeting or at a movie and I become very uncomfortable. But once in a while, the proximity "thing", for lack of a better word, produces an energy that is quite incredible.

2009-06-01T17:20:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you have a crush on a guy? Do you try to get to know him and try everything you can to make him be your friend? I rarely get crushes, but this past week I haven't been able to get this guy off my mind! Not only does he look great, but he seems to have everything I've ever wanted in a guy (which is pretty hard to do since I'm really picky). Obviously, I can't have a romantic relationship because I'm married and want to remain married (and so is he), but I would settle for becoming close friends. But since I suck at making friends, I'm not sure what to do. He's in my elder's quorum and he is a doctor. He's a few years younger than me, so he hasn't been a doctor for very long. The great thing about the internet now is how much information is out there on people. I don't know this guy very well, he's pretty new in our ward, so my first action was to look him up on Facebook (no luck). Next, I searched his name and got a few hits. The best hit was a ton of photos of him that were taken by someone not in his immediate family. Of course, browsing through the photos, I found a couple of him swimming (shirtless of course) and he has a great body. But, like I said, I'm not going to focus on that. I just want to be his friend. I know it's not the most ethical thing to look up details and photos of someone online, but like I said, I suck at making friends - or even just talking to people I don't know. He's also very quiet, like I am, making things more difficult.

Making close friends in the church nowadays seems next to impossible if you're not serving in a calling with them. Most of our time is taken up by our family, our work and our callings. Most married guys don't tend to hang out with other guys. So how am I going to make this work? And, should I even be trying?

2009-05-20T14:42:00.000-07:00

I wish that more straight Mormon guys would read our posts and comment. I, for one, could really use their input and would value their insight about our world of being gay, married and Mormon. I have a close friend who is Mormon and married but not active in the church. He knows that I struggle with SGA. Over the years, he has given me some good advice. He once said that it would be easier for him to live with another guy, even have a relationship with another guy (without the sex), than to live with his wife. He and I go shopping together, go to movies, have lunch, and just hang out every once in awhile. I admit that there have been times when I wanted to be closer to him - more intimate. And, there have been times, when one of us was down, that we have been able to hug. He feels that our relationship has helped me with my SGA in the sense that our relationship fills part of that void. And he is right. But it also hurts at times because I want to be closer and know that I can't. It doesn't help that he is really good looking with a great body. I've been thinking recently about asking him if I could come over and have him just hold me, but I'm worried about being rejected. I think if I persisted, explaining that i just really need someone to hold me right now, he would do it.

2009-04-20T13:57:00.000-07:00

Does anyone have any knowledge/experience regarding the treatment of homosexual behavior as opposed to any type of promiscuous sex by the church? Is gay sex considered more of a sin than straight sex outside of marriage? I know that it is more culturally taboo, but is it also more serious doctrinally? Almost all straight men will admit that they are tempted by other women, but almost never does a gay man admit openly that he is attracted to men. Our lessons in church, both as youth and as adults talk openly about the evils of committing sins of a heterosexual nature, but it seems far less often that our lessons talk about sins of a homosexual nature. Again, only taboo, or is there something else doctrinally that says we shouldn't talk in open groups about being gay? Has anyone experienced any pressure from church leaders to not talk openly about being gay or about wanting to have sex with the same gender? And is the subject appropriate for all ages?

2009-04-17T11:18:00.000-07:00

So, I did go to Barnes and Noble, not really knowing what I was doing. I walked around, looked at the books and magazines and kept an eye out for a cute guy. When I realized that there weren't any cute guys around I headed to another store - same thing, no success. I continued to a few other places, still nothing. I couldn't believe how dead all these places were. I could count the number of people in the stores on two hands. I have to tell you that this was an incredible anomaly. Places like these are always busy. What was happening? Why was I having such a hard time finding anyone? To be honest, I just can't chalk this up to coincidence. Personally, I believe there was a divine hand in my complete failure. I was being counteracted at every turn until finally, I had this incredible desire to be home with my family. For a moment, I felt like I had already lost them. I felt totally alone. I felt as though I hadn't seen them for years and there was this incredible need to go home and be with them. I felt like I didn't want to ever be out of their sihgt. I felt like, even though they didn't know what was going on, they were in some way helping me, from a distance, calling to me, "Daddy, please come home, we need you. Please don't leave us."

When I think back on this now, it all seems like such a dream. Did this really happen? Was I really considering finding a guy off the street? Do I really need to kiss a guy more than I need to be with and have a wife and family? Why did I come so close to destroying all I have worked so hard to build over the past 13 years? Am I really that weak and stupid? The more I think about it, the more I don't understand. In so many respects, the person that went looking for guys is not me. He doesn't resemble what I really want most in this life and in the life to come. Every day I pray that my desire for righteousness will be stronger than my desire for sin, until ultimately, I will desire sin no more.

I guess what it comes down to is that I've already made the decisions I wanted to make about my life. I want to have a family. I love my wife and children more than anything, including my desire to be with another man. I also realize that I'm not infallible. There is no way I can accomplish this without my Savior. I'm amazed that I have a loving Father in Heaven who so far, has helped me out of every situation where I could have fallen so far that I would have lost everything that I hold dear. I don't understand why He would do this for me, especially when I keep making the same stupid mistakes. I have done nothing to deserve His love and attention.

2009-04-14T15:18:00.000-07:00

Will I ever...and if so, which is more likely to happen?

Will I ever...

tell my wife that I am attracted to men

kiss a man

fall in love with a man

go "all the way" with a man

tell my children that I am attracted to men

leave my wife and family for a man

tell a close gay friend that I am gay

hook up with a guy from the internet

have a relationship with a man without the sex (and if so, is this wrong?)

pay to have sex with another man

tell my parents that I am attracted to men

lose my attraction for men

speak out in church about same gender attraction

feel totally worthy (or at least mostly worthy)

stop looking at porn.

To be totally honest, I don't think I will make it through this life without at least kissing another man, and possibly more. If I live to be 90, that leaves more than 50 years still to go. So, if this is the case, is it better to do it now, while I'm still young and attractive? I don't want to end up being the 60 year old guy who pays a young guy to have sex. To me, that is worse than finding a guy now that I could love for years. However, I would have to find a way to do it without having to leave my wife and kids. Could I live with myself for the rest of my life not telling anyone that I had been with another man? Maybe a kiss would be the easiest to condone. I would need to make it a kiss that is totally unattached romantically. I would be up front with the guy, saying that I only wanted a kiss to see what it is like, with no intention of going further. Is this just getting too close to the edge? What if I can't stop, or what if I really like it? I already know that I would like it, that seems obvious. And, knowing that anything further would ruin my life with my wife and kids, I could easily draw the line at a kiss.

I really think I'm going to do this. It will take some time to find the right guy. How do I find a guy that would understand and make sure that I didn't go any further? Maybe it should be someone in my same situation, or would it be better to do it with a guy that is a total stranger and already experienced. I would be interested to hear from those of you who have just kissed another guy and gone no further. Was it worth it? I'm not going to rush into this, so those of you who want to try and stop me, here's your chance, but you had better be very convincing.

2009-03-17T17:35:00.000-07:00

I'm coming off a two or three year battle with my testimony and have only recently begun to "see the light" again. I've had a lot of questions about my faith, my church and what it means to me. Do I really believe it? And if so, why? Especially in the face of being gay and married. How could I possibly believe in a church that does not accept my sexual orientation? Somewhat reluctantly, as I've done this soul searching, I've come to find that I still believe. I believe in the restored church of Jesus Christ as presented in the Mormon faith. It would be easier if I didn't believe anymore. That way, I could reconcile my sexual orientation with the teachings of the church. But, do I really need this reconciliation to continue believing?

Believing in the doctrines of the church is one thing. Living them is another. Do I continue to play this Jekyll and Hide game? Is this dual reality even compatible? Does coming out to my wife and family erase the duality and make things as one? For most of my life, there was no duality. I was always comfortable with myself, even when the church was teaching me that my sexual orientation was wrong. It never bothered me until the past few years - maybe as things became more serious with being married and having a family. Even when I dated throughout my teenage years and on to getting married. I never really questioned the incompatibilities. It all seemed to work just fine.

So where do I go from here? What does it really mean to be gay, married and an active, believing member of the Mormon faith? Will I ever be able to fully live the religion? Am I just maintaining a charade? It doesn't feel that way. This feels real, it feels like me. This is who I am. I'm not doing this to live up to somebody else's expectations. I'm doing this because it's what I want to do. I feel no anger at the church. I've had no bad experiences with respect to being gay and in the church, even when I've come out to church leaders and a few friends. It's all been positive. The difficulties I've had, as evident in my posts for the past few years, all have to do with me and my own inner reconciliation. I've been amazed at some of the things of done and some of the situations I've gotten myself into (see earlier posts). I'm guessing I'll probably end up having more of these outrageous moments (ie., posting naked pictures of myself on the internet, meeting guys while on business travel but never going through with anything, looking and masturbating at porn, etc.). I guess it won't be a problem to keep you all entertained (I know you wish you could have seen the internet picutures though). So, I'm still here, still blogging. I'll try and post more again.

2009-03-06T23:27:00.001-08:00

Are there any bloggers in my same situation: gay married active Mormon whose wife does not know? Please let me know if you are, or know of a blog that fits this criteria.

Thanks!

2009-01-01T22:13:00.000-08:00

My wife had a dream the other night where I had begun to drink. She said that I had four beers, and although not drunk, she felt I was not fit to be around her and the children. She took the children and left. She left me over four beers! I know that this was only a dream, but I can't help but think that if she would leave me over four beers, there is no way she could handle me telling her that I'm attracted to men. She's actually had quite a few dreams lately where she becomes very angry with me for some odd thing or another I do, most of them trivial. I would never drink a beer, if anything, I would try a glass of wine, or maybe a Martini, but not a beer. Would she really leave me if I had a beer? She didn't say if, in her dream, she left me for good or for a few hours, but from the way she described her dream to me, it sounded like she wanted to leave for good. Should I shrug this off since it was a dream, or does it really mean something? Normally, I don't take dreams seriously, but I can't stop thinking about this one.

2008-10-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many of you have read the Gospel Doctrine lesson for this coming Sunday but it includes a story about a gay man who was converted to the church. The story attributes his homosexuality to learned behavior. Here is the story:

"I know [a] good man who was reared in a family without the blessings of the gospel. Through a series of unfortunate events in his early youth, he was introduced to homosexuality, and gradually he became a prisoner of this addictive behavior. One day two young missionaries knocked on his door and asked if he would be interested in learning of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. In his heart of hearts he wanted to be freed from his prison of uncleanness, but feeling unable to change the direction his life had taken, he terminated the missionary discussions. Before leaving his apartment, the two elders left a copy of the Book of Mormon with him, and testified of its truthfulness.

My friend placed the book on his bookshelf and forgot about it for several years. He continued acting out his homosexual tendencies, assuming that such relationships would bring him happiness. But alas, with each passing year, his misery increased.
One day in the depths of despair, he scanned his bookshelf for something to read which might edify and uplift him and restore his self worth. His eye caught hold of the book with a dark blue cover, which the missionaries had given him several years before. He began to read. On the second page of this book, he read of Father Lehi’s vision in which he was given a book to read, and “as he read, he was filled with the Spirit of the Lord” (1 Ne. 1:12). And as my good friend continued reading, he too was filled with the Spirit of the Lord.

He read King Benjamin’s benedictory challenge to undergo a mighty change of heart—not a little change, but a mighty change. He was given hope by the comforting conversion stories of Enos, Alma, Ammon, and Aaron. He was also inspired by the account of the Savior’s visit to the ancient Nephites. By the time he reached the final page of the Book of Mormon, he was prepared to accept Moroni’s loving invitation to “come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness” (Moro. 10:32). My friend contacted the Church and was taught the gospel and was baptized. [Spencer J. Condie, “A Mighty Change of Heart,” Ensign, Nov. 1993, 16–17]."

I don't refute this man's conversion to the gospel or his change of heart. What bothers me is that his homosexuality was something that was gradually learned over time. I find it hard to believe that he gradually became gay as a result of some bad choices as a youth. This story contradicts what the church teaches about homosexuality not being a choice. Am I interpreting the story correctly to assume that it says being attracted to the same sex is a choice?

2008-10-14T23:22:00.000-07:00

I must be insane to believe that I could ever make a straight relationship work when I am attracted, almost exclusively to men. I can't imagine how I ended up with such an incredible wife and children. I just don't see how this is possible, and I'm scared about the future. There's no way I can keep this up. Where is the logic behind all of this? What are my motives? I've made it this far, but what is it going to take to make it 50 more years, assuming I die at an old age? Am I capable of holding this relationship and this family together? Why isn't there more support and understanding from the church? I need more direction, more strength and more faith.

I am so happy with my wife and family. They are the center of my universe. I would be devastated if I had to leave them for any reason. My greatest fear is that I will do something stupid and lose all that I hold dear. I've come too close on a few occasions as can be seen in my posts. One of the sacrifices I make is having to deal with the guilt of the mistakes I make every so often of looking at porn (nothing hard core), looking at guys, wanting guys, keeping things hidden from everyone (except the occasional priesthood leader or a close friend), and then the once or twice a year I do something really stupid like chat with gay men online or coming close to hooking up.

Will I ever be or feel temple worthy under such circumstances? I want to be clean in every way but am thinking that this will never be the case. I continually repent of my sins to God, and when they are more severe, to my Bishop. But it's not always possible to repent all the time or talk to my Bishop. It takes a lot of trust to confide in a new Bishop every time I move or every four years when a new Bishop is put in place. I really don't think it's fair to have to rehash my situation in order to be temple worthy.

2008-10-04T22:50:00.000-07:00

I've often wondered what it would be like if the tables were turned. What if homosexuality was the way to live as taught by the church? What if straight relationships were the abomination? Would the current members of the church put aside their tendencies toward the opposite sex in order to live how God has commanded? How many would fall away from the church because they weren't attracted to the same sex? How many could handle such a huge sacrifice? I wish this could happen for one day, so that everyone would understand what we as gay men are giving up to live the life that has been taught to us and that we believe to be right. I'm not saying that I actually wish that homosexuality was espoused by the church, but I just wish they could understand what it is really like. Are the testimonies of church members strong enough to handle such a commandment? I really don't think they are. I think the church would quickly fall apart.

2008-09-26T22:52:00.001-07:00

Typically, I try not to define my experience with same gender attraction as a struggle, a difficulty, a challenge, a plight, etc. I'm bothered by the connotation of being gay in a straight relationship within the Mormon church as something bad, something negative or something that needs to be changed, fixed or resolved. But, I find it difficult not to use such terminology, not knowing really how to define or describe my experiences without saying I struggle. Being gay in a straight relationship is a very difficult struggle. I have to remain vigilant and true to the decisions I have made and in what I believe is right. Right for me, right for my family, right for my immediate and eternal happiness. So if being gay is something that I did not choose and can not change, why the struggle to do just that? I'm attempting to live a straight life, choosing not to be gay and trying to change or undo this part of who I am.

2008-09-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

Typically, I don't write on this blog when things are going okay. There are days and weeks where thoughts of being gay have rare occasion to enter into my daily routine. For the most part, I live a heterosexual life, with the occasional gay moment. So, if you don't hear from me for awhile, most likely I haven't had any gay experiences to write about. Once in awhile I'll think, hey that guy is cute or I may have an inclination to look at gay material on the net. It always amazes me when feelings of same gender attraction hit hard. I seem to forget in-between "episodes" if that is what they can be called. It's the "episodes" that usually end up on my blog as an outlet to help me understand and to get support.

Not having had any "episodes" lately, I don't know what to write about. Are there any questions I could answer for anyone about my experience as a gay married Mormon, or any questions about me in general? Send them my way and I will try to be as open and honest as possible.

2008-07-24T16:24:00.000-07:00

Why is homosexuality considered a sin according to many church doctrines? Biblically, there are few, if any, real direct references to it. Within the LDS church, I know much about the doctrine of same gender attraction, but I don't always understand the reasoning. I also know why being gay is wrong for me, but is it wrong for everyone else as well? I am also very aware of what the consequences would be if I decided to have sex with another man. Is it these consequences that make the act a sin? The consequences for me, would be devastating. Is it only a sin because it hurts me and others in some way? I have more I want to write about this, but I want to hear some of your thoughts first.

2008-07-09T22:51:00.000-07:00

DON'T READ THIS POST IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY SEXUALLY SUGGESTIVE LANGUAGE, INCLUDING THAT OF A GAY NATURE.

This is a hard post for me, but I need to talk about it, if not to help me understand what I did, then to at least seek some sort of absolvent. I'll start by just saying what I did, without any emotion or explanation, other than what was felt during my actions. I can always try and analyze everything later. I've wondered before if other gay men thought I was attractive, and even more, if they would want to have sex with me, strictly based on my looks. So, having time to myself this week, I took some photos of myself. They started innocent enough. I chose a great outfit that emphasized my physique, set the lighting, set-up the camera, set the timer, and began taking pictures.

The first set looked pretty good, but I thought that maybe I could unbutton my shirt to show off the tan I have been working on. These photos turned out pretty good as well. However, since I was by myself, I thought it wouldn't hurt to take my shirt off for a couple of photos. Then, I thought, why not unbutton my jeans a little. Then, I had a great idea to use a wet, white shirt - make it a little more sexy. Besides, I didn't have to show these photos to anyone if I didn't want to. I was just having some fun. The wet shirt looked great - I'd never worn totally wet clothes, let alone a white shirt with no undershirt. These photos suprised me a little because they looked so good. Incredibly sexy. I started thinking hey, I could be a model. This was getting real fun.

Then, you probably guessed it, why not try some nude photos. First, I used a towel to cover myself a little. I tried holding the towel in front of me, just enough to cover the real private parts. Wow, these photos looked incredible. They looked nothing like the Forester I and everyone else knows. I had no idea I could look so hot. So, I'm sure you know what comes next - I lost the towel all together. Yep, full frontal. I tried a lot of poses. I was so suprised that I even knew how to pose. What was I doing? This couldn't be good. But I became so involved in the lighting, the poses, like I was photographing someone else. In some ways, it was very artistic.

I ended up with a lot of incredible photos. Now what to do with them. Having been in gay chat rooms before (a long time ago), I thought that this would be a good venue. I wouldn't find anyone on there that I really knew - and if I did, they were probably there for the same reasons. My intent was not to look for a hook-up or to have internet sex, but to just find out if anyone thought I was hot. I downloaded a few of the better photos. At first, I only posted the clothed photos and some of the shirtless ones and waited to see if I got any comments. First it was a slow trickle of "Hi" and "How are you?" responses, then I got some more. This was going pretty good. I kept my conversations simple and out of harms way - no talk of sex. I would ask what they thought of the photos - actually, I found that many would comment on the photos right off "Great photos", "Nice face", "hot chest". This was great. I was getting a lot of guys telling me how great I looked. They were good compliments, nothing overly raunchy, just very flattering. So, I upped the anty. My heart was racing. I was getting caught up in the moment. I posted a few of the wet shirt and towel photos. However, you had to open my profile in order to see these photos. To my amazement (really, I was quite amazed), I started getting so many hits for private chat requests that I couldn't respond to all of them. By now my ego was getting the best of me - so why not post the full nude photos. It was scary, yet so exciting. However, it was getting out of hand. I was getting requests for sex. "Why not come over tonight for a drink" "we can just talk" or "we don't have to do anything if you don't want to, but you're so hot".

Then, something kicked me (or so it felt like). I was alone, but I realized what I was doing. I quickly pulled the plug on the internet connection (I have wireless, so I had to get up and walk into the other room). Still alone - family out of town. I couldn't believe what I had done, but needless to say, I was quite aroused by it all. Masturbation followed, but at least I was off the internet. I didn't even look at any porn (I'm usually pretty good about that, most of the porn offends me). Of course, I was the porn for others. I think being the porn is worse than looking at porn - but at the time, it didn't seem as bad.

I erased all of the photos on the camera and on my computer (I just realized I didn't delete the photos on the chat room profile, I better go do that - or maybe I should stay away all together - but I need to delete them).

2008-07-05T18:08:00.000-07:00

My wife and kids are leaving town for a week, leaving me at home alone, open to my own devices. Without my family, I am not a very good person. I could never make it to heaven without them. I'm a little scared of what could happen while they are gone. Keep me in your prayers.

2008-05-15T11:15:00.000-07:00

As with my previous post, I've been looking back at my life recently in an effort to assess where I've ended up. The past two or so years of my life have been two of the most difficult. It was a little over two years ago that I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I keep looking back, hoping to find answers to the why of this illness but have found few answers. In my research and understanding of gay Mormon men I have found that, for many, depression seems to be a natural occurance. Some would argue that the depression is rooted in the conflict of having feelings of SGA and trying to live a life based on the teachings of the church. For me, the correlation doesn't seem to exist, at least not as the root cause.

Before 2005 I would never have imagined that I would be diagnosed with clinical depression. I had no symptoms before 2005 and was mentally healthy. But when it hit, it hit hard. One day I woke up and couldn't go to work. The thought of doing so caused severe anxiety, which led to depression. Initially, I blamed my career. Then I blamed my propensity toward introversion as the cause of my illness. And yes, I did blame SGA to a certain degree. I learned that I had parts of my personality conflicting one with another. My career was conflicting with my desire to be an artist or a musician. I felt like a part of me was dying internally - a part that I didn't want to lose. This alone created a lot of anxiety and depression. In general, I learned that my anxiety was playing a huge role in my depression.

Now today, having gone through the healing process, I see that in most respects I was mistaken. I actually enjoy my career. I enjoy the life that I have built and find great satisfaction in my successes as a father and husband. I feel the old self coming back to life after being submerged for more than two years. I still have days when I feel like a failure, but now, instead of these feelings taking over, I simply move forward, knowing that I'm doing okay.

I have begun to accept where my journey through life has taken me. I kept fighting against (and still do to some degree) the life that God has given me. Overall, I'm where he wants me to be right now and I'm headed in the right direction. I don't know why I fought it so much. I kept saying to myself that I wanted something different - a different career, a different life. I would ask myself, what happened to my childhood dreams? For the most part I fealt that my dreams were never going to become a reality, that they had been taken from me, and I began to panic, grasping for a glimmer of what I wanted, trying to hold on to the last remnants of who I was and what defined me. For two years I panicked and tried desperately to move back onto the course I wanted for myself. I believed that what I wanted is what God also wanted. It has taken me more than two years of kicking and screaming to finally realize that I'm okay, that this is what God has planned for me. I constantly want control of my life and try everything to maintain this control.

It seems like such a simple lesson, one that we've all been taught since childhood. We will never have complete control over our lives. Some things have to be left to God and his divine plan for our lives. But why is letting go of this errant control so difficult? The control that I thought I had was never really there. I was illuding myself. So here I am, the beginning of the new me - or is it really the old me, the one that was always there, but refused to accept. We are all divine. My focus now is to hold onto this divinity and cherish it more than I have in the past.

2008-05-08T17:18:00.000-07:00

Like many of us, I have been going through a transformation for the past two years. The transformation stems from many variables: our gayness, growing older, going through trials, and just life in general. But what if we're not happy with our transformation. I don't feel like I've reached where I want to be in terms of being gay, married, a faithful member of the church, a husband, a father, a friend. I had a different picture of where I would be in my life right now. I think we all did. How could we have ever imagined our plight as gay married men. I say plight, focusing on the trials. But, there are the positives of being gay, right?

The majority of us just want to be right with God. Meaning we want to be where He wants us to be. Is my life on the right path? Is this where he wants to be right now in my life? I just want to be able to serve him and help others. I don't want to have to worry about myself and my own struggles anymore. I won't even get started on my other trials of work and mental health. Maybe if I just focus on others, instead of so much on myself, I will end up where Christ wants me to be. Maybe everything else will miraculously fall into place if I just forget about myself.

When I start thinking about where I want to be and what I want in my life, I just get stressed out and depressed. When I look at myself, I see a big failure at my career, a gay man who is afraid to tell his wife, a husband who can't please his wife, a Father who isn't much of a role model, a friend who is really quite boring, and a member of a church he loves but is falling very short of being a very good disciple.

I started this post thinking that I would make a pledge to myself to be a better person, a better disciple of Christ. I was going to set goals and begin another transformation, but this time a transformation that I had more control over. We've been instructed to not just "go with the flow", but it seems that the "flow" is the "refiner's fire" that is molding me into something else, that I just don't understand right now. I'm having a hard time seeing the big picture anymore. Is this the way it's supposed to be?

2008-04-01T10:36:00.000-07:00

In his most recent post, Young Stranger describes his love for his partner in these words: "My relationship with my partner is not defined by our "gayness." It is defined by our love. Love is the word I claim. The love between us is built on a larger foundation of love, on our Heavenly Parents' boundless love for each of us. If it is not, it cannot possibly last, because if I do not let an understanding of God's love for him structure how I behave in relation to him, I risk becoming trapped in self, letting my own ego become the guide to our relationship."

I was preparing a post that was to use similar wording for my relationship with my wife. Just as his gayness does not define his relationship with his partner, my gayness does not define my relationship with my wife. I could easily replace the words he uses of "partner" and "his" with "wife" and "hers" in the above paragraph to describe my situation of a mixed-orientation marriage. There are those who would say that a gay man marrying a straight woman makes very little sense and only serves to create problems and cause unhappiness. Yes, it does create many problems which could lead to unhappiness, but for me, the benefits far outweigh any struggles. Just as Young Stranger suggests in his post, our relationships are defined by our love.

I do not deny that physical attraction is part of a healthy, loving relationship. I've come to realize this even more lately. Physical attraction is an integral part of a relationship. I've always been attracted to my wife, but just as with any relationship, over time, that physical attraction can diminish over time. Just as we have to work at our relationship in other ways, the physical part requires some work. It's my understanding that this can be the case in straight relationships as well. Is it harder for me because I'm gay? Probably. But I don't let it become more of a problem than it's worth. Perspective helps. Physical attraction helps. But even more importantly, love helps. It's that love for each other and for Christ that conquers all obstacles and allows me to continue on this path I have chosen. It is a good path. It's the path that Christ wants me to follow. It's the path that allows me the greatest chance at happiness in this life and in the life to come. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would still choose the same path, even knowing the struggles that have come from this decision. In the end, I can put aside being gay. In the end, what really matters, as Young Stranger puts it, is the love we share between each other and with Christ.

2008-03-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

I feel like I don't know what to write anymore. The days go by, nothing has really changed. My attraction for men comes and goes, but most of the time it's still there, in the background of my life, sometimes forcing its way into a more prominent position. I'm dedicated to my wife and family. I love them and want to be with them every day.

I've been working on my sexual attraction for my wife, but it takes a lot of work and discipline. I'm angry that I have to work on it at all. Isn't sex supposed to come easily? I feel bad for my wife. I love her and am attracted to her in so many ways. She's actually quite stunning physically. Sometimes I think she deserves better than me. Someone who can hardly keep his hands off her. I love just being close to her. I try and make up for it in other ways; cleaning the house, helping more with the kids, just being a better husband in whatever way I can. But I feel like I'll never be able to make it up to her.

I still haven't told her about my attraction for men. I debate back in forth in my mind, weighing the pros and cons, trying so hard not to hurt anyone. I don't want anyone, especially my wife, to suffer for something that is a part of who I am. She would not understand, and for me to ask her to understand something that she never could, just isn't necessary. I guess I don't believe in total disclosure. If I felt that I needed her support, I might tell her. Right now, I don't see my attraction to men as a big deal. It's just part of who I am. Right now I need her support in other ways and for other things that are way more important than my attraction for men. Do guys in heterosexual relationships break the news to their wives that they look at other women? All of us have to keep our attractions, whether they be to men or women, under control. I've made a commitment to love and honor my wife, and only her. None of us are perfect, we make mistakes, but we move forward. I don't dwell on my other weaknesses. But I want to be clear that I don't consider my attraction to men to be a weakness. My weakness is not being totally faithful to my wife. Being attracted to the same sex does not mean I am automatically unfaithful or a bad person.

2007-12-21T13:20:00.000-08:00

I've developed a close relationship with a guy over the past two years. I helped him through a divorce (his second) and have been helping him come to terms with his membership in the church and his beliefs. We have become very close friends and I have told him on occasion that I loved him and am grateful for his friendship. Yesterday, I went to his house to hang out for an hour or so on my lunch break, which at times can turn into three or four hours and lots of shopping, driving, hiking, etc. But lately, we have been seeing each other less often. He is not gay, extremely good looking and knows that I am gay.

Yesterday, before lunch, we sat on his couch. He was on his cell phone, sitting forward on the edge of the couch. I was leaning back, reclined, giving me the advantage of looking at him from behind. I had an incredible feeling of wanting to lean up against him, lay my head on his back, or at least put my hand on his back, but I knew I couldn't. He would react negatively. Instead, I just moved my hand closer to his leg on the couch, wanting to touch him, but I didn't. I just moved it as close as I could get without touching. We sat there for a few minutes while he talked on the phone. What would be so wrong about rubbing his back or putting my hand on his back? Why would he take offense? If I tried to touch him, would I then lose his trust?

Before I told him that I was gay, he had no problem undressing - dressing in front of me. One time he asked me to put lotion on his back. We were at a park and I was so uncomfortable doing this in public that it eradicated any pleasure I might have had in feeling his bare skin. On another occasion, he was trying on some of my shirts to borrow one. He wasn't wearing any undershirt and it was incredible to be next to him, so close. This was soon after I told him that I was gay. He noticed something was wrong and asked me what it was. I told him the truth - that I wanted so much to touch his chest. He handled it very well, but he has never taken off his shirt in front of me again. If I were straight, we would hug more often like we used to, we would have more contact and we wouldn't worry about it like we do now. In this respect, I hate that I ever told him I was gay - not because I want to take advantage of him in a sexual type of way, only because I want to be close to him, like we used to be. I thought coming out to him would make us closer, and I guess in some ways it has, but in reality, I feel further away from him.

Yesterday, when he finished his phone conversation, he stood up and turned to look at me. He immediately looked down at my hand and for an instant realized how close it had been to him. He didn't say anything, but I could see in his eyes his disapproval. At lunch he asked why we hadn't been seeing each other as much as we used to. I told him that because he was now through the divorce and remarried that he hadn't needed me as much. He stated that he didn't want us to have to need each other in order to be friends. I just sat there silent, not telling him how much I depended on that need as an integral part of our friendship. I couldn't tell him that. The risk of seeing that disapproval in his eyes again would hurt too much.

2007-12-18T11:23:00.000-08:00

Is it really possible? Is it possible to control same-gender attraction within a mixed-orientation marriage? I've already made a lot of the hard decisions. I've been able to marry an incredible woman, have children and have an incredible family life. I've been attracted to my wife and able to perform sexually. But, with all this, I'm still attracted to men. I've been through bouts of moderate porn addiction. I've been through occasions where I nearly hooked-up with another guy. I've chatted on-line with other gay men. I've met other gay men with whom I was attracted and would have liked to pursue a friendship and possibly more. But, I never seem to follow through on any of these. I've been able to put the internet porn and chat rooms at bay. I no longer chat with gay men, but I do look at the occasional porn - maybe once a month - and even then it's not really graphic porn. Is it okay to view a little porn once a month in order to keep any more serious transgression at bay? So far, it has worked for the most part, but not without damage to my spirit.

I want to be completely clean, all of the time. I don't know if I will ever be free of same gender attraction, but it seems that I can keep it "under control" to a certain degree. Will it always be a struggle not to look at any porn and/or masturbate? And if so, do I consider this a small trade-off for being able to have a wife and family? Does this mean I will never be clean in this life, no matter how many times I repent, because I know eventually that I will make a mistake? Are there others, in my same situation, who are having better success? I think that overall, I can live a happy and fulfilled life in a mixed-orientation marriage, stay active in the church, true to my beliefs, attend the temple and serve in callings. But can I raise the bar? Should I try harder with the potential of greater success but also a greater possibility of failure? Or do I just continue on my current, relatively successful course, accepting my weaknesses, and perhaps knowing that this is the best I can do?

2007-11-28T14:42:00.000-08:00

I've been told a few times by a close frined of mine, who is aware that I am attracted to men, that I'm not special. He suggests that the more we believe our situation to be unique among all other temptations, the more we will become dissatisfied and angered with the church, with ourselves and with life in general. This assumes that our attractions are temptations, nothing more and nothing less. I think what I have learned over the years is that the physical aspect of homosexuality is a sin, however all other behavioral and psychological aspects may or may not be considered a sin, depending on the situation and the extent to which these aspects are publicly voiced. In my view, longing for and having close male relationships that do not involve a sexual component is not a sin.

I know this view is a greatly simplified context for discussing whether or not certain actions and feelings are considered sinful, but if isolating the physical from the emotional helps to draw a boundary that I can understand and implement, then surely it can serve a positive purpose. We really aren't all that special and deserve no more attention from the church than any other member. Is more really asked of us as compared to other members of the church? If I had my choice, I think being attracted to men is much easier to deal with than most of the other challenges faced by members of the church.

2007-11-12T10:41:00.001-08:00

I think I just may have convinced my LDS therapist that now is not the time to tell my wife about my same gender attraction. He has been encouraging me to discuss it with her, in an open and loving way. I still believe that revealing these feelings to her would be counter-productive and could do more damage than good to both her and myself. Part of me does still yearn to tell her and I will tell her someday, just not right now. Someday could be a week from today, years from now or even in the next life. I've prayed about telling her and continue to get the impression that there is no need to rush into it. When the time is right, I will receive the guidance I need to move forward.

Part of the basis for not telling her comes from the idea that my attraction to men is not as black and white as the world would have us believe. Having feelings of same gender attraction does not mean that I am gay. Coming out to my wife has the potential of creating a black and white scenario where I am portrayed as being gay in the world view of what being gay means. I know this sounds like I am playing with semantics here, trying to re-define what it means to be gay. But isn't that what we, as married gay mormons are attempting to do? We question all that the world has taught us about being gay. We attempt to erase the line of gay and straight by living a life that is in essence both gay and straight. Some may say that we must then be bisexual, being able to marry and have children while still being attracted to men. But this too is not inherently true. I am not attracted to other women, but I am attracted to my wife.

It has been possible in my life to diminish my attraction for men. I'm not sure how this is possible, but it has and does occur. I must be careful however in this endeavor. I do not place myself in a position of success and failure, with success being the total loss of attraction to men. Success for me is getting to the point where I am willing to accept all that the Father has in store for me. I believe that He can take away my feelings of same gender attraction, but whether he will do it or not does not play into my ideas of success, nor does it determine my happiness. I have learned that I can be happy today, just as I am. If tomorrow, God decides to take away these feelings, then I will accept that, but if not, I will continue to live the best that I can with what I have been given. Having feelings of same gender attraction does not mean that I am less of a person. It does not imply that I need to be fixed. It does not require that I overcome a sinful state. I am clean, I am whole, just as I am. Being faithful to my wife and holding true to the covenants I have made with God is what makes me clean, whole and happy. This is the right path for me and my life. This is what I have chosen, and I rejoice that God has given me a choice to live the way I want to live - to follow His guidance, even though at times it seams difficult and seams to make no logical sense.

2007-11-05T10:05:00.000-08:00

Feelin' groovy. If all else fails, try sedation. I'm back on a drug I had weened myself off of a year ago because of its side effects. But, considering my current state of depression versus a few side effects, the drugs won. Seroquel is an interesting specimen of a drug. It ensures that you experience no lows by also taking away the highs. It makes you feel so drowsy and sedate that nothing really matters.

With respect to SGA, and by comparrison, I've reached this same level of no highs and no lows. However, with SGA, it's not drug induced. Somehow, I've reached a point where I have few sexual desires, and when I do, they can be either gay or straight (bisexual?). Sometimes niether side wins out and I feel asexual. I'm guessing that this is due to the depression. A decreased libedo is one of the symptoms. This, in and of itself, has been a good thing since it has made it much easier to resist temptation. However, it also leaves me feeling quite bland - like I have no sexual identity. It's a very puzzling situation. Can anyone relate?

2007-10-26T16:02:00.000-07:00

I've really come to hate posting on my blog. It makes me think about things I would prefer to ignore. It makes me take a hard look at who I am and what I think and believe. It also exposes much of my weaknesses. I don't like being weak. I don't like being afraid. I don't like having to confront life. Life can be so beautiful. Or at least, it used to be. Now I just don't know anymore. I hate seeing others suffer. I hate seeing myself suffer. I hate the repercussions of the fall of Adam. I hate having to toil in order to feed myself and family. I try hard to focus on what is good and beautiful, but when I do, something always hits me from behind. Then when I am down, I get kicked over and over again, not only by myself, but by others as well.

I used to be able to find refuge, to get back on my feet and continue climbing. But lately it has been too hard. How many times do I have to give my life over to Him? Am I not humbled to the earth? I'm too small and weak for the fight. I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to be happy and make others happy.

If you haven't noticed, I have clinical depression. I was diagnosed over two years ago. The extent to which my gayness lends to the depression is very debatable. It doesn't help, but I don't believe it is the major reason. In fact, I don't believe there is a major cause or reason. I've been in therapy for two years and nothing seems to really come of it. I sort things out, get advice, learn ways of battling this illness, but it feels as though so little of the illness is psychological. It's more physical than I had ever imagined. I've thought about opening a separate blog about depression, but for now, you guys will have to bear with me. I really didn't intend this post to be about depression and I don't want the link to being gay, married and Mormon and depressed to be assumed. Compared with all of the ugliness in the world, being gay, married and Mormon is almost nothing.

So why then all these posts about being gay, married and Mormon if it's not really that big of a deal? Maybe because it allows me to focus on something. It allows me to look at all aspects of my life and how they combine into one great whole. Blogging is also a way to gather sympathy and support. I blog because I am afraid. Afraid of not knowing who I am. Afraid of facing myself. Afraid of facing the world. I worry that it is exhibitionism. That I have some need to show the world who I am, when in reality I'm just trying to show myself who I am.

2007-10-05T14:28:00.000-07:00

I really have nothing profound to say right now, but I wanted to just let everyone know how I'm doing. Things have been up and down the last few weeks. I had the opportunity to meet one of the mohos who blog in person for lunch and really enjoyed myself, apart from being very nervous. He was very nice and would make a good friend. I also had the opportunity to meet another blogging moho in person this week but turned him down. Basically, I don't think I can make friendships behind my wife's back. I still haven't told her about my feelings of SGA and still don't think I can right now. However, I regret not being able to make friends.

If I told my wife, would I then be able to meet other mohos? And if so, I would then have to tell her about this blog site because she would want to know how I met these guys. Would she want me to make friends on here? Would she want me to stop blogging? If I kept blogging with her knowledge, my blogs would change since they would no longer be anonymous. Would telling her mean the end of this blog site? I don't think I'm ready for a change of this magnitude, but if it meant that I could develop closer relationships with some of you then maybe it would be worth it. On the other hand, it could mean the end of blogging with all of you and never being able to meet you.

2007-09-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

In response to my previous post, Geckoman expressed my feelings perfectly; "I feel out-of-sync with my personal integrity, am disappointed with life's outcomes, full of stress, depressed, and so lack desire." (And now paraphrasing) I repeatedly knock my head against the wall of same gender attraction while still trying to make it all fit within the perfect LDS framework of eternal families. It's hard to believe in myself, that I'll ever succeed at my previously committed goal.

While feeling this way, today I came across the following reassuring quote from an article by Steven Covey:

"You have to look at each case on its own merit. No case is black and white. It takes real judgment to know what you should do. You may feel that you operate "between a rock and a hard place." Still, with a well-educated conscience or internal compass, you will rarely, if ever, be in a situation where you only have one bad option. You will always have choices. If you wisely exercise your unique endowments, some moral option will be open to you. So much depends on how well you educate your conscience, your internal compass...The more internal uncertainty you feel, the larger the grey areas will be. You will always have some grey areas, particularly at the extremity of your education and experience. And to grow, you need to go to that extremity and learn to make those choices based on what you honestly believe to be the right thing to do."

And from the same article, "As human beings, we have four unique endowments: self-awareness, conscience, independent will, and creative imagination that not only separate us from the animal world, but also help us to distinguish between reality and illusion, to transform the clock into a compass, and to align our lives with the extrinsic realities that govern quality of life. Self-awareness enables us to examine our paradigms, to look at our glasses as well as through them, to think about our thoughts, to become aware of the psychic programs that are in us, and to enlarge the separation between stimulus and response. Self-aware, we can take responsibility for reprogramming or rescripting ourselves out of the stimulus-response mode. Many movements in psychology, education, and training are focused on an enlarged self-consciousness. Most popular self-help literature also focuses upon this capacity. Self-awareness, however, is only one of our unique endowments. Conscience puts us in touch with something within us even deeper than our thoughts and something outside us more reliable than our values. It connects us with the wisdom of the ages and the wisdom of the heart. It's an internal guidance system that allows us to sense when we act or even contemplate acting in a way that's contrary to our deepest values and "true north" principles. Conscience is universal. By helping companies and individuals develop mission statements, I have learned that what is most personal is most general. No matter what people's religions, cultures, or backgrounds are, their mission statements all deal with the same basic human needs to live (physical and financial), to love (social), to learn (educational), and to leave a legacy (spiritual).
Independent will is our capacity to act, the power to transcend our paradigms, to swim upstream, to re-write our scripts, to act based on principles rather than reacting based on emotions, moods, or circumstances. While environmental or genetic influences may be very powerful, they do not control us. We're not victims. We're not the product of our past. We are the product of our choices. We are "response-able," meaning we are able to choose our response. This power to choose is a reflection of our independent will. Creative imagination empowers us to create beyond our present reality. It enables us to write personal mission statements, set goals, plan meetings, or visualize ourselves living our mission statements even in the most challenging circumstances. We can imagine any scenario we want for the future. If our imagination has to go through the straightjacket of our memory, what is imagination for? Memory is limited. It's finite; it deals with the past. Imagination is infinite; it deals with the present and the future, with potentiality, with vision and mission and goals with anything that is not now but can be. The man-on-the-street approach to success is to work harder, to give it the "old college try." But unless willpower is matched with creative imagination, these efforts will be weak and ineffective."

2007-09-04T20:03:00.000-07:00

I've been on a spiritual low lately that I can't seem to get out of. I enjoyed going to church last Sunday, but had a hard time feeling the Spirit. I also haven't been to the temple in awhile or read the scriptures. My personal prayers are also lacking. I tend to go through cycles, but this cycle has lasted longer than usual. I think I need some time alone to replenish my spirit and start seeking answers to some questions that have been lurking around for a long time. Questions like what do I really want from this journey through SGA? What is the next step? What do I really want from my church membership and my relationship with God? What do I do with the knowledge I have received over the past year from blogging and reading blogs about other gay Mormons? There is so much I don't know about myself, and so much more I want to learn. I'm at a crossroads in my life and believe there is so much good that can come from it. I'm excited for the future, but also full of fear and doubt. How do I move forward with faith, believing in myself and in the principles I have come to know and trust?

2007-08-24T15:04:00.000-07:00

I sent an email a few days ago to my gay cousin who is living in a monogamous relationship with his partner. What follows is an excerpt from that email. It's about a dream I had and some things I've been feeling. Of course, the names have been changed.

"Hey John, I just needed somebody to talk to and thought I would send you a note. I've had a couple of dreams about you lately. The last one, the other night, we were at a family reunion at some resort in the mountains. You and your partner Mike were feeling dejected and others in the family were talking about you behind your back. Needless to say, I stood up for you. I let you know what was going on and you and Mike decided to leave. I was really torn because I didn't want to stay at the reunion without you guys, yet I also felt obligated to stay at the reunion with my wife. My kids weren't there for some reason. I needed your support in the dream and needed to talk to you some more. I was really sad to see you leave and wanted to really leave with you.

There are a couple of things the dream made me realize. First, how much I respect you, feel a connection with you, and have a desire to talk to you and Mike in person. Second, it made me realize how torn I have been feeling over the past couple of years between being gay and living a straight, married life with kids. I've been trying to figure out a way to come and see you and Mike in Salt Lake but haven't found a way. I could tell my wife that I'm going on a business trip, but I don't particularly want to lie. However, I think in this case, I may need to do it anyway. I'm not thinking about leaving my wife, I just need some answers and need to talk to someone who would understand. I wish I could come tomorrow. That's how important I feel this is. Are you going to be in town the within the next couple of weeks?"

I haven't heard back from my cousin yet, but a trip to Salt Lake may do me some good. I would also like to meet a few of you who blog here.

2007-08-19T21:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't had this problem before, or at least hadn't really noticed it too much, but today in EQ I couldn't stop staring at all the good looking guys. My ward has an abnornally high proportion of fine looking 25-35 year old men. Rather than continue in my seemingly sinful state (not that I necessarily felt guilty for having these feelings), I got up and left about half way through the meeting. I didn't leave because I was overwhelmed by guilt, I left because I was feeling sad and irritated that I couldn't pursue any of them. Like I said, I don't think I've felt this way before. It was more overwhelming than usual. Typically, I would feel more guilt about wanting to see these guys naked, but today I just didn't want to feel anything regarding SGA, whether it was attraction, guilt, longing, pitty for myself, hatred toward myself, anger for having to deal with this, or whatever feeling associated with this plight I am in. So, I got myself out of the situation. I went down to the gas station and bought a Coke and sat in the car, just not thinking about my SGA.

Do I really want to have sex with these guys? What is it that I'm longing for? What price am I willing to pay to get it? I want to be closer to these men but I don't know how or don't have the courage. I don't fit in. I want to be like them. I want to be straight, but I don't really know what that means. I don't know what it is that I'm feeling. The world calls it gay, the church calls it SGA. All I know is that this is how I feel and I go from day to day, trying to do what is right. I have obligations to a family I love and can't imagine being without.

2007-08-09T21:27:00.000-07:00

So what is it that keeps me from pursuing a relationship with another man? What is it that I do from day to day that allows me to stay with my wife and kids, attend the temple, take the sacrament and participate in all church functions? What are the daily functions that I adhere to that keep me where I'm at? I'm not sure if there is any safe and sound, tried methodology. I, like many of you in my same position try to pray daily, read the scriptures, serve in my calling, fulfill my obligations as a husband and father, hold family home evening with my family, and attend church each Sunday. Are these the things that keep me from giving-in to my need for a male relationship? I know these things help, but I can't imagine that they are the determining factors.

Perhaps it is because I have a personal testimony of the teachings of Christ as taught by the church. But, this too, in and of itself could not be the determining factor. So what is it? Maybe I'm afraid to lose my wife and family. I also don't believe that pursuing a relationship with another man will really make me happy. All these things combined could lead to my not taking action on feelings within me that are so powerful and seem so natural. But I also know there are others who are doing the same things on a daily basis, who feel the same way I do, who have strong testimonies and beliefs in place that are even stronger than my own, who have decided to pursue a same-gender relationship. So what is the determining factor? Does it simply come down to making a choice? A choice that I must make on a daily and sometimes hourly basis?

I definitely don't claim to be perfect. There are times I regress and look at porn, usually being more offended than aroused. But if I can find just the right amount of "soft" porn, I can be aroused without being offended. Do I look at images and videos of naked men because I have a need to do so, with the end result being masturbation? Yet, I seem to be able to get up each morning, kneel before my God and my Creator, sincerely asking for forgiveness and moving on with my life and my daily responsibilities of work, family, church and society. I read yesterday in the scriptures that sharing your testimony can help with forgiveness of sin. I think I should share my testimony more often.

So here I am, writing this blog, trying to piece it together and make sense of it all, but it's simply too miraculous to make any sense. Ah, there it is. It's a miracle. It's not just what I do each day, and the choices I make, it's a heavenly gift. Perhaps it has correlation with the greatest sacrifice of all. It's the process of forgiveness and allowing myself to receive this most incredible gift from a loving and understanding Heavenly Father. There is no way that I could deal with my beliefs, my convictions and same gender attraction on my own. It's not simply what I do and what I believe, it's what is freely given to me. His grace. His love. His perfect love. Christ's love.

2007-08-02T22:38:00.000-07:00

I'M NOT GAY! I no longer want to be associated with this label, or any label for that matter. I am me, an individual. I understand the need to be associated with a group of people, to band together, to support each other and to feel accepted. Although there are many good reasons for being identified with a group of people (in this case men who are attracted to men), I've just recently begun to notice some of the harmful and damaging consequences of labeling myself as gay. Having feelings of same gender attraction, or "struggling" with SGA as many in the church use, is also not acceptable to me. Using SGA fits closer to what I feel and believe but it's still a label I am not comfortable with.

Some of you may say that I'm in denial, and perhaps I am, but the point I am trying to make is that I am seeing a negative side in myself, and in others who blog here, that really bothers me. For those of us who have decided not to act on our feelings of SGA (meaning that we have chosen not to have sexual relations outside of marriage between a man and a woman), using the broad term of "gay" implies too much. The main negative consequence I have noticed in myself is that my focus has changed or has become too narrow. I feel like I'm limiting myself to being gay or not gay. Although I didn't choose to be gay or be attracted to men, I am now choosing not to be gay. I think what this means is that this is isn't the sole focus of my sexual identity, nor is it a major defining piece of who I am. Our lives really are greater than the sum of our parts. When considered with how complex we are, feelings of SGA begin to take on a much smaller role.

2007-07-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

I found out today that my dog is gay. He stayed at a friends house this past week while I was out of town. When I picked him up today, my friend said that he tried to copulate with my friend's male dog. He's been neutered, so I thought his sex drive was gone...I guess not. Although this new information about my dog isn't really that extraordinary (most dogs will hump just about anything), I found myself feeling sorry for him. My friends were laughing at him. I couldn't help but feel for him. Hardly anyone knows of my SSA, so I haven't ever been ridiculed, but I still feel the sharp pains of feeling different and not understood. I don't feel ashamed of my SSA, but wonder if I will ever feel normal and accepted. For those of you who are out to your friends and family, does coming out relieve some of these feelings as you encounter people who love and support you, even knowing that you are gay? I want compassion. I need someone to feel sorry for me, like I feel sorry for my dog.

2007-07-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

2007-07-08T20:10:00.000-07:00

I'm wondering if there is something different about MoHos (I swore I would never use the term, I just don't like labels, but it is very convenient). I'm thinking that perhaps, due to our beliefs, as well as other forces of Mormon lifestyle, we are attracted to other men, but don't really want to have sex with them. Gay porn for me is more offensive than arousing. Yes, there are times when I lust after the male form, but for the most part, I could never imagine actually having sex with another man. To be specific, anal and oral sex are not attractive to me, and I'm thinking that many of you feel the same. Yes, there are other ways of being physical with another man, but in the common practice of gay sex in the world, anal and oral sex seem to be the standard.

Kissing sounds good (but I don't really know for sure), hugging sounds great, touching sounds incredible but just being close would provide for my needs. Many of us were interested to hear that a famous gay rights activist, now turned anti-gay activist and possible member of the church described being gay as lust and pornography wrapped into one. He didn't mention anything about the need for a close relationship, or just needing to be loved by men. Although I'm sure that many gay men also need to be loved, the focus in the gay world seems to be on the sex. However, here in the Mormon gay world, the focus seems to be on the need for just being close and accepted by other men. Is this because of our beliefs and upbringing? Mormons in general are very loving and close as a religion. We have spiritual experiences together that are really quite intimate. If you've been on a mission, those experiences are often encompassed by an almost exclusively male environment.

I like the idea of not really associating with the larger gay world, as described by many of you in the definition of MoHo. We're not really gay to the same degree, or at least our focus is maintained by some very powerful guiding principles based on person testimony. This fundamentally changes our gayness. Maybe we're not really gay, according to the definition set by the world. All we really want is to be close. As far as male attraction is concerned, I'm as attracted to men as the next gay guy. Women just don't do it for me, or at least, not quite as easily as do men. I have to work at being attracted to women. But, again, there does seem to be a limit to my gayness. I don't' think this has anything to do with the gayness scale, it's a separate issue. I know many of you have touched on many of the same ideas here, but I'm still trying to put it all together. If I could have one very close male friend, who isn't afraid to touch and love, with limits, I think that the majority of my gay needs would be met. Would I end up wanting more, possibly, but overall, I would be quite satisfied.

2007-07-07T15:06:00.000-07:00

I have to apologize if I place any pictures on my blog site that may offend anyone. It's not my intention to lead you down the tempting path, but instead provide an outlet for me to freely express myself. This is the only place I can talk about being gay and share what I feel inside. This is an outlet for me and the pictures are part of that. I try and chose pictures that are tasteful.

I've read a couple of blogs from you guys lately about not feeling anything at church. I too have been going through a tough time at church and have actually been cutting out of priesthood meeting to go for a drive and get a Coke. I don't feel guilty about doing this, but lately it has been turning into a habit. Last Sunday I stayed at EQ and the lesson was actually great. It was given by a man who was baptized less than a year ago. It was so nice to hear him talk about why he believes in the Book of Mormon and in Joseph Smith. I came very close to feeling the spirit, but still had a hard time.

The rest of the day was not good. I spent the day feeling down and somewhat aggravated, but mostly just wanting to tune everything out and be by myself. I can't explain how, but the simple act of going for a drive by myself makes the rest of my day go much smoother. I seem to need the time to re-energize. We don't have church until late afternoon, and I spend most of the morning taking care of the kids and getting them ready for church. The only time available for me to spend some time alone is during church. If I wait until after church it's too late and I spiral downward.

2007-07-03T17:09:00.000-07:00

I took a needed break from the blogging world for awhile. I've been trying to catch up on what's going on with everyone. I'm so grateful this blogging world exists. There are so many going through the same things I am. I also appreciate the varying levels and degrees of everyone's situation. I feel like I can go back in time with some of you where you are now, contemplating marriage, or I can go forward in time with some of you who have been married many more years than myself. Some of you have made not so good choices I might have made had it not been for your example (sorry to take advantage of your bad choices). I selfishly like to see the outcome of your decisions, weigh the consequences and make choices for myself, based on your examples. I also enjoy the loving support from all of you. I'm always amazed at the caring responses I get when I am in trouble or headed down a path that will only lead to further unhappiness. You guys are great, and I feel honored to be a part of your lives. Thank you for sharing some of your most intimate thoughts and feelings with seemingly total strangers. I hope that I can meet some of you someday and thank you in person.

On another note, I went to the doctor yesterday with an embarrassing situation. I have an infection located in a very private part of my body. I've been going to this doctor for about a year now. He's young and good looking, although I'm not really attracted to him. He knows a little about my SSA. I was dreading having to undress in front of him and expose myself. I know, he's a doctor and sees naked guys every day, but the only time I ever undress in front of other guys is at the gym, and the room is full of naked guys. At the doctor, it's just me and him, and he's not taking his clothes off anytime soon for me. So he said let's take a look and I began to unbutton my pants and pull them down while he sits in a chair in front of me, with me standing. His eye level is right at my crotch. He sits there and looks, doesn't touch and tells me what I've got and what to do. By this time, I can barely talk I'm so nervous. My voice quivers as I respond to his questions. I'm sure he could tell that I was way nervous. When he was done looking, I quickly dressed and sat down, my heart still racing.

So what was that all about? Why was I so nervous? He's my doctor. We're both adults. I wasn't necessarily aroused in any way, but I could have been if I had thought about it. In fact I did think about it while waiting for him in the room alone. I started to get a little aroused, making me even more nervous, so I quickly redirected my thoughts. But I failed to regain my composure. I get nervous just thinking about it all over again. Do you guys have this same experience at the doctor? I hate it, but at the same time, would enjoy doing it all over again. It has made me reevaluate my self-control and my intentions. Do straight guys have any problem exposing themselves to their doctors? Maybe I'm just really shy. But in some weird twisted way, even though I was way nervous, I wish it would have lasted longer. Of all the dumb things we have to deal with as gay men, trying to live a straight life. I can't even go to the doctor without it becoming a defining event in my gay little world.

2007-05-21T23:17:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking seriously about posting my real name and a picture of myself on this blog, rather than using the name of Forester and a false picture. Part of me doesn't want to hide behind anonimity. I think it would help as a step toward the coming out. My wife still doesn't know about my attraction to men and I guess there is the possibility that someone I know will see my blog site. Would coming out this way place a limit on how truthful I am in my blogs? Probably, to some degree, but for the most part, I don't have a problem with others I know possibly reading this blog. I don't exactly use this blog as a personal journal, but I guess there is some information that is quite personal, especially my sexual preference for men. Why does anyone need to know something so private, and how is coming out this way really necessary in my acceptance of who I am and what I'm struggling with? If I reveal my name, I may be less likely to divulge some of the more intense sexual feelings and situations. For example, I may not want to create a post about an intense moment of physical passion in an hour of weakness.

2007-05-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

I don't think I'm cut out for corporate America. I feel like I'm on the Apprentice every day. The competition is stiff and I just don't have the passion any more. I work for a huge consulting firm with offices all over the world. I love the firm, its goals, principles and reach, I just hate the work. I thought I could handle the stress and the pressure but I've found that I don't work well under pressure. I'm a very level headed person, but when it comes to crunch time, I find myself holding back and drowning in the chaos. I've also found that I can do lots of things but I really don't know anything. I just keep doing and hope that I will end up on top. I find myself hiding in my office, hoping I don't have to talk to anyone. The worst thing is that I have spent the last ten years educating myself and working my way up the ladder to find that I want off the ladder. If I could walk out the door today and never come back I would. I put out my resume on the web and have received multiple job offers, all doing the same thing. Why would I want to leave this job to start over again with another firm doing the same work? I'm trapped. I can't afford to start over again. I have a family to take care of. Where do I go from here? Is this where I'm destined to be the rest of my working life? There's plenty of opportunity for growth where I'm at, I just don't want to grow anymore - at least not in corporate America. I need out. I don't mind wearing a suit and tie every day, I just don't know the reason I'm wearing a suit and tie. My work life has little meaning to me. I enjoy the perks of working for the firm (being able to work from home, new laptop every two years, good pay, good pay increases, good health benefits, travel, etc.), but do the perks really make it worth feeling like another rat in the rat race? I don't like myself when I'm at work, I don't like what I've become and I don't like what I see for the future if I stay in this field of work. Whatever happened to be excited about the future? Am I going through a mid-life crisis? I have arrived, but I don't know where or why I have arrived.

2007-05-11T16:42:00.000-07:00

A week ago I was listening to Dr. Laura on the radio and a woman called in asking if she should leave her husband because he was gay. They had children and the husband was begging her to not leave him. He hadn't been unfaithful to her but was having a difficult time with his attraction to men. The woman felt that it would be best to take the children and leave so that he could have some time alone to deal with his struggle. I was suprised when Dr. Laura told her not to leave her husband since he wanted to stay together and work things out. Dr. Laura felt it was worse to leave than to stay with a gay man. She said that once the children were grown, then they could decide if they wanted to stay together, but for the sake of saving the family, they should stay together for now. She told the woman to help her husband, stay by his side and stay committed to the vows they had made at marriage.

I was so impressed by her advice that I wrote an email to the show thanking her for sticking up for gay married men and their families. I told her a little about my own situation and how I am trying to do everything to stay faithful and that I would not be able to make it without the support of my wife. I also told her about our blogs (hope that was okay) and that there are many of us who are staying faithful against the odds. She immediately emailed back (during her show, not sure how she did that) asking for specific websites. I gave her mine.

I was so proud to have our struggle highlighted on national radio, with the support of a national figure. I don't always agree with what Dr. Laura says, but was very impressed with her advice to this woman.

2007-04-30T22:37:00.000-07:00

I am 99% gay. I reserve 1% for being attracted physically to my wife, but beyond this, I have no attraction for women. I've heard that there is a scale for gayness, but I've never met anyone who was gay that was only half gay. I have also heard of gay men who have rid themselves of their attraction to men. I do believe this can be done, but I have yet to experience it. There have been times when I had no attraction to men or women. I had little to no sexual drive during my darkest months of depression. I could look at naked men or women without any attraction.

I had someone tell me that since I have been able to marry and have children that I must be lower on the gayness scale. Believe me, I am extremely attracted to men. I have never been attracted to women at any time in my life except for one short period of my egagement to my wife. Looking back to puberty and even before, I have always and only been attracted to men. There were a few short months while dating and being engaged to my wife where I was attracted to her. If this had not happened, I may not have gotten married. As it stands now, I love my wife, but I'm thinking that our sex life is probably not as good as a perfectly straight couple. If she initiates it, I can usually follow through, but I rarely initiate it any more.

Is this a sad existence? Not by a longshot. Having an incredible wife and incredible children, being able to take the sacrament, attend the temple, participate in all things in the church as though I were a perfectly straight man is what I have worked to accomplish. These are real and tangible accomplishments on which I base my success against the temptation of being attracted to men. I fall now and again, but I pick myself up and continue down the path I know will bring me true happiness now and through the eternities.

2007-04-26T16:15:00.000-07:00

"Do we nevertheless feel somehow diminished by the reality of the omniscience of God? Does His foreknowledge (which grows out of His omniscience) seem to make us less significant or less free? Does the perfect predictability of our behavior (in God's eyes) seem to squeeze out some of the sense of adventure in mortality? And if so, do we childishly want to play-act just a little longer - risking righteousness and true happiness merely in order to be reassured about our independence?"
Neal A. Maxwell, from All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience

I am back from my business trip to Salt Lake. And although I didn't meet up with a guy, I'm not proud of my actions. As a bachelor, without my wife, there is no way I could make it to heaven. I'm just too weak and stupid. I was supposed to arrive in Salt Lake at 6:30 pm Sunday evening. This was going to give me time to spend the evening out, cruising for guys in some of Salt Lake's seedier places. I didn't have to show up at work until Tuesday morning, so I also had a full day on Monday to live the bachelor life and "play-act" the gay life. However, my plane was delayed three hours and I didn't make it to the hotel until nearly 10:00 pm. So I gave up the evening out idea and decided to go online to a gay chat room to see what was going on in Salt Lake in the gay community. Needless to say, I found a guy, willing to come to my hotel room, but we chatted for so long that he decided to go to bed, with the idea of meeting up the next day for lunch. I was supposed to contact him and let him know where.

The morning came and I slept in. Once I got up and going, I had no desire to meet up with this guy, thanks to masturbating the night before. Normally, I would say that masturbation is not the right thing to do, but in this case, it was better than actually meeting up with the guy. And no, I didn't do it online with him, it was after we signed off. I had a pretty normal day, but there is not much to do in town on a Monday afternoon, so I ended up walking around the city and found myself at Temple Square. I saw the Joseph Smith film at the JS Memorial Building. There were many who were crying, but I would not allow myself to be touched by the spirit, especially after a less than righteous evening.

However, I was still determined to have some fun as a bachelor. So Tuesday night I met up with an old friend. He is gay, but does not know about my SGA. Luckily I am in no way attracted to him. He had seen a play and I met him afterward in front of the theatre when all of the actors and staff were coming out. I made a statement that was overheard by some of the staff. I said to my friend, "No wonder you like coming here, there are a lot of cute guys." Within seconds, one of the guys came over and started talking to us and was obviously hitting on me. I really wanted to ask him to dinner, but I didn't.

Later that evening, we went to meet a new friend of my gay friend. This friend was also gay, and to my near downfall, very hot. If the friend hadn't been on his way to work, we would have ended up hanging out, perhaps going back to the hotel, and who knows what would have happened. I flirted with him a little and wanted to touch him, even if it was just in jest. I kept looking into his eyes. I'm pretty sure he thought I was gay. Then my friend mentions my kids and all my fun went out the window. We left and I went back to the hotel and went to bed.

That was the extent of my few days as a gay man. Close calls, but no major action. However, it was enough to make me feel pretty guilty. I can't imagine how I would feel if things had gone further. I would be devastated. But as it turns out, I'm home, with my family, with a few more days of temptation behind me.

2007-04-21T15:29:00.000-07:00

HELP! My flight leaves tomorrow afternoon (Sunday) for Salt Lake and I've been cruising Salt Lake gay chat rooms to find someone to meet while I'm there for a few days. Overall, I trust myself and have made it this far, but I'm having a hard time for some reason. Why can't I be the same person I am when I'm at home when I'm away by myself? Am I really that weak? I don't necessarily want to have sex with a guy while I'm in Salt Lake. I just want to meet someone and spend some time with another guy. Do I allow myself to meet someone, going into it with the goal of just spending time, going to dinner, talking, committed not to have sex? I know I'm playing with fire, but I think after all these years that I can handle myself. Do one of you guys want to meet and save me from myself?

2007-04-14T22:01:00.000-07:00

So I took a trip to Utah this weekend. I had forgotten how many good looking young guys there are in Utah. Everywhere I looked there were groups of guys everywhere. I couldn't keep my eyes off them. I don't know how those of you who are in Salt Lake, Provo and other Utah towns can handle it. I would seriously have a tough time. I have to make another trip to Salt Lake in another week and I'm worried about how I am going to handle it. I will be in town on business, by myself, with a great hotel room. Three nights in a town full of clean cut Mormon guys. It's been a couple of years since I was in Salt Lake on business and the last time was the closest I have ever come to picking up a guy and taking him to my room. I was in the Starbucks at the Marriott when two obviously gay young men came in. They knew I was looking at them and that I wanted to approach them. But, I just couldn't do it. I finally got up and left. As I walked out, one of them called after me "Don't leave." I almost turned around. With my heart beating I kept walking back to my hotel room. Way too close for comfort.

2007-04-07T22:50:00.000-07:00

Modern reason compared to that of fifty years ago is quite amazing. I'm a big fan of watching old movies and television. They seem to give us a glimpse into the thought and culture of the time in which the movie was made. I know we can't judge a time based on its media. Can you imagine being judged by what is currently on television and in movies? However, there are glimpses into the time period through the themes, scope and format of dialogue, reasoning, and structure of plot. These glimpses sometimes show how simple minded people must have been. Have you ever watched the old "Planet of the Apes"? Although quite remarkable in concept, deliverance of the story to the people of that time period is at best hilarious.

I wonder what will be said about SGA fifty years from now and how they will look back at us today.

2007-03-31T22:28:00.000-07:00

Like many of you, I can't stop thinking about Elbow. He has been having such a difficult time. His latest post says that he has decided to leave his wife. Although I support him in his decision, I can't help but think that he is making the wrong decision. After reviewing my responses to his posts, I really hate myself for not taking a harder line for what I believe in. As much as I want him to stay with his wife, I don't want to be the one to tell him that he should. I want him to be happy and I want him to make choices that he feels will make him happy. I've always thought that when faced with a choice, most people, especially those raised in the church, will choose the right - meaning that they will hold fast to what the church teaches. But, nobody should be making choices based on someone elses testimony. Members of the church need to learn to rely on their own testimony. If you don't make your own choices then you start feeling resentment for the church. You shouldn't live the gospel if you don't want to - if you don't believe in it. Nobody shold be coerced into living a latter-day saint lifestyle. If you don't want to be in the church, then get out. I'm not going to try and save you. I'll be here for you and support you, but I won't make your decisions for you. I'm definately not one to talk. I'm depressed, attracted to men myself and question my own testimony frequently.

2007-03-25T17:59:00.000-07:00

I've received some comments suggesting that I am suffering from depression because my SGA is in conflict with my beliefs, my marriage and my family. I know there are many struggling with SGA who also suffer from depression, and that there is a direct link between the two. In my case however, there doesn't seem to be a connection. However, I can understand and sympathize with those who do suffer from mental illness as a result of inner conflicts, as well as religeous and societal pressures, arising from SGA. It's a tough road for all of us, whether or not we are Mormon. I have had conversations with many openly gay men who feel, deep down, that they know their lifestyle is wrong. I believe we are all born with the light of Christ within us that helps us to know right from wrong.

There is a lot of misunderstanding and stigma associated with mental illness. Saying that depression is a result of their environment or their circumstances does not always hold true. I have yet to pinpoint any reason for my depression. Some mental illness is simply the result of chemicals, or the lack thereof, in the brain. Having clinical depression for the past two years has helped me to take a closer look at myself. The disease in and of itself is actually quite physically and mentally debilitating. I ended up taking two months paid medical leave from work just to begin recovery. Although the disease probably snuck up on me slowly, it felt more like a sudden hit. I woke up one morning completely unable to face going into work. There was nothing in particular happening at work to make me feel this way, but I felt like I couldn't be away from my wife for more than five minutes. The idea of being alone was terrifying. Little did I know that this was just the beginning and there would be even more terrifying moments over the next two years. It has been quite an intriguing journey. I would never have guessed that I would have come down with this illness. I've always been happy - even with my struggle of SGA.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this, other than to say that my choice of being faithful to my wife and my beliefs, in the face of SGA, has not caused my depression. I don't feel trapped in my marriage or unfulfilled sexually because I have chosen to supress feelings of SGA. There are many who would lead me to believe that by not allowing myself to follow my "true" feelings of SGA that I will never be happy. In reality, the opposite is the truth.

2007-03-20T17:50:00.000-07:00

Maybe I'm in denial, but I just don't believe that my SGA is the cause of my sadness. I have depression, and there may or may not be a reason for the depression. It's an illness, like having diabetes, just with a more complex mental component. I'm not leading a duplicitous life like many feel who have SGA. I have no internal conflict between my SGA and my religeous beliefs. I'm not denying myself of who I am. I will definately not be happier by giving in to temptation. Yes, I do have guilt about my feelings, but only enough guilt to keep me on the right track. Most of the time, I am happy and most of the time I have no SGA. I don't allow my SGA to play a dominant role in my life. I truely have dominion over myself. I have over ten years of marriage and at least twice that many years tempted with SGA but not a single sex act with another man. I can definately make it through the rest of my life.

I did not choose to have SGA, but I have chosen not to follow those inclinations. Anyone striving to live a righteous life must learn how to set limits on sex, whether gay or straight. I'm being more true to myself by staying true to my beliefs. Giving in to SGA would be denying my true self and my true nature as child of God. SGA does not define who I am, but it does help me to find my true self by exposing SGA for what it is: a lie. It may seem attractive and exciting on the surface, but it will never lead to true happiness. I am willing to bear this struggle all of my life if need be. By doing this, I will at least be true to myself by staying true to what I believe at my core. I will deny myself of all ungodliness and come unto Christ.

Crying in the Dark

2007-03-19T15:09:00.000-07:00

There are times when I feel so fragile. It feels like the world is just too cruel of a place for me to exist. Where just the words from someone could crush me. It's a world where I just want to build a huge wall around myself and my family to shelter us from the evil and ugliness that surrounds us. Living at the end of times is difficult and often overwhelming. I feel like a child. I can't comprehend all that is going on around me and why there is so much hatred. It seems that everyone around me is struggling. They are tired. At work, at church, in restaurants, at the library, wherever I go, people are tired and barely hanging on. There has never been a greater need for the saving grace of Christ.

What is my role in all of this? I want to be a good father and husband. I want to contribute to society in a positive way. I want to be obedient. I want to be good. I want to help others. I want to make the world a better place. I feel like I'm stuck in a place that is difficult to move forward. I do okay at work, but not great, I do okay at home, but not great, I do okay in my church calling, but not great. I feel trapped. I often feel depressed, not just down, but totally overcome by blackness.

I have a good job and am able to support my family. I have a good education that allowed me to get a good job. The work is interesting, but something is missing. Something is not right. Is it just me? Should I be more positive about my work and the life I am leading? I have a great wife and children. They are my anchor and my hope, but they know something is wrong with me. I wish I could just pin it on the SGA, but that would be too easy. My SGA doesn't really create that many problems in my life. It's tough at times, but I don't believe that it is the cause of my suffering. My therapist tells me not to focus on the cause, but instead on the solution - don't ask why, just look forward. But I can't help but ask what is causing these feelings of incompleteness? Why are there nights that I can't stop crying in the dark - and I don't even know why I'm crying?

Thorn in the Flesh

2007-03-15T13:42:00.000-07:00

"And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Corinthi ans 12:7-10)

Paul's words strike me with both beuty and despair, ugliness and comfort. I've often felt that my ssa was a part of who I am. Do our sins define us? I would hope not, however the struggles that result from sin and temptation do define us. Our hopes and desires define who we are, but even mor than these our actions define us. I've never really been a man of great action. As an introvert, I prefer to watch and listen and then act in more subtle ways. In some ways, non-action can be a very powerful action in and of itself. Choosing not to participate, not to respond, not to give in, not to follow the crowd, not to jump at every beckoning call can be more challenging than taking action.

I am who I am, a married Mormon who is attracted to other men. But I am also so many other things. How much of the ssa plays a part of me, is really up to me. There is a group of thought in the field of psychology called "Parts Theory" that breaks a person down into various individual persons. For example, a person could have a distinct personality of an artist, as well as a businessman and a father. It's helpful to identify our various parts and give them place within us, without letting one part dominate the others. There are times when we have to negotiate between our parts, to make peace with each of them when internal conflicts arise. For me this understanding has helped a great deal with ssa. Yes, it's a part of me, but it does not define the complete me. Someday, I may find no further use of this part of me and I will be able to lay it or him to rest, but for now, he is there. A thorn in my side. I no longer ask for it to be removed, and believe me, I have asked more than "thrice". Instead, I ask for help, patience, understanding and mercy.

Strength in Numbers

2007-03-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

So far, this blog, as well as other blogs of similar subject matter, has been an interesting look into the lives of gay married Mormon men. I'm impressed by the resiliency and faith of all of you and I'm honored to receive strength from your writings on these blogs. The greatest insight I have received is learning more about myself through my own writings and your responses to my blogs. I look forward to hearing about all of your struggles, successes and yes, even failures.

Coming Out to a Gay Friend

2007-03-04T16:22:00.000-08:00

Only a handfull of people know I'm gay: a bishop, a couple of therapists, and a cousin. Each one required much thought and prayer before coming out to them. However, there is one person, a very close friend with whom a spent a few close years each summer that I have not told and continue to debate in my mind on whether or not to tell him. He's gay. He came out to me a few years ago, worried that I would then refuse his friendship. Little did he know how understanding I would really be. Should I tell hime that I am gay? He has gone through so many struggles and I've tried to be there for him, but something has held me back from letting him know that I too am gay. If I tell him, I'm worried it would ceate a bad situation. I finally found out that he has been attracted to me, where I find him very unattractive. I'm worried that he will feel like more of a failure because even though I'm gay, I have been able to marry and have kids and am doing very well. I have been able to keep my attraction to men at bay. He already feels like a failure with everything else in life and I don't want to add to that feeling. I know he's not a failure and have told him many times how much I love and respect him. Also, if I tell him that I'm gay, he may lose hope in coming back to the church. I want to tell him, but am not sure of my motives. I want to tell him how much I really do understand his struggles because I've had them myself. I'm also worried that he would take things too far and tell my wife, or it may even push him over the edge - be too much for him to handle. I'm worried that he would try and develop a relationship with me, and that if I pushed him away, he would feel extreme rejection, something he constantly feels already from most men. Is there any good in telling him I'm gay? So far, my answer to this question has been no.

Coming Out

2006-07-25T11:37:00.001-07:00

So everyone I ask advises me not to tell my wife of my attraction to men. Their reasoning goes something like this: Since you have never cheated on her (never been with another man) then telling her that you are attracted to other men would just blow things out of proportion. I've lived all my adult life with SSA, never kissed a guy, met a great woman in college, was and still am attracted to her, have three great children and a great relationship. It's not like I really need her support. Instead telling her would place a tremendous pressure on her to help me as well as make her question my attraction and love for her.

I can't imagine life without her and my children. They are what I want in life and that is why I have made the decisions I have made. Don't we all struggle with sex in some form or another in this day and age? I have talked with a former Bishop and he left it up to me to tell her if I wanted to, but suggested that I don't. I've talked to a close friend who knows of my SSA and he vehemently advises not to tell her. I've spoken with three therapists over the past two years, and only one of them has even suggested telling her about it.

I don't mind bearing this struggle without her, but I do like to share everything about me with her. We don't keep secrets from her, but maybe this is a secret worth keeping, at least for now. If I can continue to be strong and confide in others, including my Savior, then I believe I can make it through without her having to find out through an act of adultery with another guy.

I wish there were some sort of "safe" environment where I could try a few things like kiss another guy. I rarely look at porn, but when I do, I am mostly offended by what I see, so I easily turn it off. This leads me to believe that if I were able to try some things with another guy my curiosity would be diminished. On the other hand, if I really like it, then it's probably harder to go back and not give into temptation again.

The close friend that knows of my gay feelings is LDS and has had sex with another guy out of curiosity - before he was converted. He said that it did eliminate any curiosity and he has no interest in men. He too has been sealed in the temple now. Sometimes it makes me wish I had done more experimentation when I was younger, before getting married. Then I wouldn't be facing all of these questions now. They would have been answered in the past.

Trying to Be a Real Man

2006-07-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

I am so self-conscious about people thinking I'm gay that I go to great lengths to act "manly". I've even been trying to change my wardrobe, look scruffier, grow a little facial hair. But I don't think it's working. I am pretty much a butch acting guy, but once in awhile I do like to wear good looking clothes (actually most of the time) and everybody in my ward knows that I'm the one that decorates our house. Yes, I'm married and have little children. They are used to Dad rearranging the furniture and spending money on things like ottomans.

I don't believe in stereotypes, but believe me, I've got a lot of the gay stereotypes, even though I act butch. Where am I going with this? I guess I just want to know if I should try harder to be a real man by acting manly, using power tools. not matching my clothes, etc. or if I should just be myself. I know that as Mormons we are supposed to dress conservatively, but I really like my pink and red striped shirt.

2006-07-11T23:22:00.000-07:00

I've never been with another man before and have come too close on too many occasions. I need the strength of all of you who are having the same struggle with SSA. I'm so afraid that one of these times I am going to give into the temptation that has been a part of me for so many years. If another man approached me, in person, I would have a difficult time refusing. I've often hid behind gay chat rooms and have come close to actually meeting these guys in person.

I feel like I just need to do it and be done with it, so I know once and for all what it would be like to be with another man. It's probably good that I have no idea how to find a guy. I wouldn't know what to say or how to approach another guy. I know some guys have caught me staring at them, but I usually try to hide it. One of these times I'm afraid I'm going to jump off the edge.