Coming Out

So everyone I ask advises me not to tell my wife of my attraction to men. Their reasoning goes something like this: Since you have never cheated on her (never been with another man) then telling her that you are attracted to other men would just blow things out of proportion. I've lived all my adult life with SSA, never kissed a guy, met a great woman in college, was and still am attracted to her, have three great children and a great relationship. It's not like I really need her support. Instead telling her would place a tremendous pressure on her to help me as well as make her question my attraction and love for her.

I can't imagine life without her and my children. They are what I want in life and that is why I have made the decisions I have made. Don't we all struggle with sex in some form or another in this day and age? I have talked with a former Bishop and he left it up to me to tell her if I wanted to, but suggested that I don't. I've talked to a close friend who knows of my SSA and he vehemently advises not to tell her. I've spoken with three therapists over the past two years, and only one of them has even suggested telling her about it.

I don't mind bearing this struggle without her, but I do like to share everything about me with her. We don't keep secrets from her, but maybe this is a secret worth keeping, at least for now. If I can continue to be strong and confide in others, including my Savior, then I believe I can make it through without her having to find out through an act of adultery with another guy.

I wish there were some sort of "safe" environment where I could try a few things like kiss another guy. I rarely look at porn, but when I do, I am mostly offended by what I see, so I easily turn it off. This leads me to believe that if I were able to try some things with another guy my curiosity would be diminished. On the other hand, if I really like it, then it's probably harder to go back and not give into temptation again.

The close friend that knows of my gay feelings is LDS and has had sex with another guy out of curiosity - before he was converted. He said that it did eliminate any curiosity and he has no interest in men. He too has been sealed in the temple now. Sometimes it makes me wish I had done more experimentation when I was younger, before getting married. Then I wouldn't be facing all of these questions now. They would have been answered in the past.

Trying to Be a Real Man

I am so self-conscious about people thinking I'm gay that I go to great lengths to act "manly". I've even been trying to change my wardrobe, look scruffier, grow a little facial hair. But I don't think it's working. I am pretty much a butch acting guy, but once in awhile I do like to wear good looking clothes (actually most of the time) and everybody in my ward knows that I'm the one that decorates our house. Yes, I'm married and have little children. They are used to Dad rearranging the furniture and spending money on things like ottomans.

I don't believe in stereotypes, but believe me, I've got a lot of the gay stereotypes, even though I act butch. Where am I going with this? I guess I just want to know if I should try harder to be a real man by acting manly, using power tools. not matching my clothes, etc. or if I should just be myself. I know that as Mormons we are supposed to dress conservatively, but I really like my pink and red striped shirt.

I've never been with another man before and have come too close on too many occasions. I need the strength of all of you who are having the same struggle with SSA. I'm so afraid that one of these times I am going to give into the temptation that has been a part of me for so many years. If another man approached me, in person, I would have a difficult time refusing. I've often hid behind gay chat rooms and have come close to actually meeting these guys in person.

I feel like I just need to do it and be done with it, so I know once and for all what it would be like to be with another man. It's probably good that I have no idea how to find a guy. I wouldn't know what to say or how to approach another guy. I know some guys have caught me staring at them, but I usually try to hide it. One of these times I'm afraid I'm going to jump off the edge.