I found out today that my dog is gay. He stayed at a friends house this past week while I was out of town. When I picked him up today, my friend said that he tried to copulate with my friend's male dog. He's been neutered, so I thought his sex drive was gone...I guess not. Although this new information about my dog isn't really that extraordinary (most dogs will hump just about anything), I found myself feeling sorry for him. My friends were laughing at him. I couldn't help but feel for him. Hardly anyone knows of my SSA, so I haven't ever been ridiculed, but I still feel the sharp pains of feeling different and not understood. I don't feel ashamed of my SSA, but wonder if I will ever feel normal and accepted. For those of you who are out to your friends and family, does coming out relieve some of these feelings as you encounter people who love and support you, even knowing that you are gay? I want compassion. I need someone to feel sorry for me, like I feel sorry for my dog.

I'm wondering if there is something different about MoHos (I swore I would never use the term, I just don't like labels, but it is very convenient). I'm thinking that perhaps, due to our beliefs, as well as other forces of Mormon lifestyle, we are attracted to other men, but don't really want to have sex with them. Gay porn for me is more offensive than arousing. Yes, there are times when I lust after the male form, but for the most part, I could never imagine actually having sex with another man. To be specific, anal and oral sex are not attractive to me, and I'm thinking that many of you feel the same. Yes, there are other ways of being physical with another man, but in the common practice of gay sex in the world, anal and oral sex seem to be the standard.

Kissing sounds good (but I don't really know for sure), hugging sounds great, touching sounds incredible but just being close would provide for my needs. Many of us were interested to hear that a famous gay rights activist, now turned anti-gay activist and possible member of the church described being gay as lust and pornography wrapped into one. He didn't mention anything about the need for a close relationship, or just needing to be loved by men. Although I'm sure that many gay men also need to be loved, the focus in the gay world seems to be on the sex. However, here in the Mormon gay world, the focus seems to be on the need for just being close and accepted by other men. Is this because of our beliefs and upbringing? Mormons in general are very loving and close as a religion. We have spiritual experiences together that are really quite intimate. If you've been on a mission, those experiences are often encompassed by an almost exclusively male environment.

I like the idea of not really associating with the larger gay world, as described by many of you in the definition of MoHo. We're not really gay to the same degree, or at least our focus is maintained by some very powerful guiding principles based on person testimony. This fundamentally changes our gayness. Maybe we're not really gay, according to the definition set by the world. All we really want is to be close. As far as male attraction is concerned, I'm as attracted to men as the next gay guy. Women just don't do it for me, or at least, not quite as easily as do men. I have to work at being attracted to women. But, again, there does seem to be a limit to my gayness. I don't' think this has anything to do with the gayness scale, it's a separate issue. I know many of you have touched on many of the same ideas here, but I'm still trying to put it all together. If I could have one very close male friend, who isn't afraid to touch and love, with limits, I think that the majority of my gay needs would be met. Would I end up wanting more, possibly, but overall, I would be quite satisfied.

I have to apologize if I place any pictures on my blog site that may offend anyone. It's not my intention to lead you down the tempting path, but instead provide an outlet for me to freely express myself. This is the only place I can talk about being gay and share what I feel inside. This is an outlet for me and the pictures are part of that. I try and chose pictures that are tasteful.

I've read a couple of blogs from you guys lately about not feeling anything at church. I too have been going through a tough time at church and have actually been cutting out of priesthood meeting to go for a drive and get a Coke. I don't feel guilty about doing this, but lately it has been turning into a habit. Last Sunday I stayed at EQ and the lesson was actually great. It was given by a man who was baptized less than a year ago. It was so nice to hear him talk about why he believes in the Book of Mormon and in Joseph Smith. I came very close to feeling the spirit, but still had a hard time.

The rest of the day was not good. I spent the day feeling down and somewhat aggravated, but mostly just wanting to tune everything out and be by myself. I can't explain how, but the simple act of going for a drive by myself makes the rest of my day go much smoother. I seem to need the time to re-energize. We don't have church until late afternoon, and I spend most of the morning taking care of the kids and getting them ready for church. The only time available for me to spend some time alone is during church. If I wait until after church it's too late and I spiral downward.

I took a needed break from the blogging world for awhile. I've been trying to catch up on what's going on with everyone. I'm so grateful this blogging world exists. There are so many going through the same things I am. I also appreciate the varying levels and degrees of everyone's situation. I feel like I can go back in time with some of you where you are now, contemplating marriage, or I can go forward in time with some of you who have been married many more years than myself. Some of you have made not so good choices I might have made had it not been for your example (sorry to take advantage of your bad choices). I selfishly like to see the outcome of your decisions, weigh the consequences and make choices for myself, based on your examples. I also enjoy the loving support from all of you. I'm always amazed at the caring responses I get when I am in trouble or headed down a path that will only lead to further unhappiness. You guys are great, and I feel honored to be a part of your lives. Thank you for sharing some of your most intimate thoughts and feelings with seemingly total strangers. I hope that I can meet some of you someday and thank you in person.

On another note, I went to the doctor yesterday with an embarrassing situation. I have an infection located in a very private part of my body. I've been going to this doctor for about a year now. He's young and good looking, although I'm not really attracted to him. He knows a little about my SSA. I was dreading having to undress in front of him and expose myself. I know, he's a doctor and sees naked guys every day, but the only time I ever undress in front of other guys is at the gym, and the room is full of naked guys. At the doctor, it's just me and him, and he's not taking his clothes off anytime soon for me. So he said let's take a look and I began to unbutton my pants and pull them down while he sits in a chair in front of me, with me standing. His eye level is right at my crotch. He sits there and looks, doesn't touch and tells me what I've got and what to do. By this time, I can barely talk I'm so nervous. My voice quivers as I respond to his questions. I'm sure he could tell that I was way nervous. When he was done looking, I quickly dressed and sat down, my heart still racing.

So what was that all about? Why was I so nervous? He's my doctor. We're both adults. I wasn't necessarily aroused in any way, but I could have been if I had thought about it. In fact I did think about it while waiting for him in the room alone. I started to get a little aroused, making me even more nervous, so I quickly redirected my thoughts. But I failed to regain my composure. I get nervous just thinking about it all over again. Do you guys have this same experience at the doctor? I hate it, but at the same time, would enjoy doing it all over again. It has made me reevaluate my self-control and my intentions. Do straight guys have any problem exposing themselves to their doctors? Maybe I'm just really shy. But in some weird twisted way, even though I was way nervous, I wish it would have lasted longer. Of all the dumb things we have to deal with as gay men, trying to live a straight life. I can't even go to the doctor without it becoming a defining event in my gay little world.