I've been told a few times by a close frined of mine, who is aware that I am attracted to men, that I'm not special. He suggests that the more we believe our situation to be unique among all other temptations, the more we will become dissatisfied and angered with the church, with ourselves and with life in general. This assumes that our attractions are temptations, nothing more and nothing less. I think what I have learned over the years is that the physical aspect of homosexuality is a sin, however all other behavioral and psychological aspects may or may not be considered a sin, depending on the situation and the extent to which these aspects are publicly voiced. In my view, longing for and having close male relationships that do not involve a sexual component is not a sin.

I know this view is a greatly simplified context for discussing whether or not certain actions and feelings are considered sinful, but if isolating the physical from the emotional helps to draw a boundary that I can understand and implement, then surely it can serve a positive purpose. We really aren't all that special and deserve no more attention from the church than any other member. Is more really asked of us as compared to other members of the church? If I had my choice, I think being attracted to men is much easier to deal with than most of the other challenges faced by members of the church.

I think I just may have convinced my LDS therapist that now is not the time to tell my wife about my same gender attraction. He has been encouraging me to discuss it with her, in an open and loving way. I still believe that revealing these feelings to her would be counter-productive and could do more damage than good to both her and myself. Part of me does still yearn to tell her and I will tell her someday, just not right now. Someday could be a week from today, years from now or even in the next life. I've prayed about telling her and continue to get the impression that there is no need to rush into it. When the time is right, I will receive the guidance I need to move forward.

Part of the basis for not telling her comes from the idea that my attraction to men is not as black and white as the world would have us believe. Having feelings of same gender attraction does not mean that I am gay. Coming out to my wife has the potential of creating a black and white scenario where I am portrayed as being gay in the world view of what being gay means. I know this sounds like I am playing with semantics here, trying to re-define what it means to be gay. But isn't that what we, as married gay mormons are attempting to do? We question all that the world has taught us about being gay. We attempt to erase the line of gay and straight by living a life that is in essence both gay and straight. Some may say that we must then be bisexual, being able to marry and have children while still being attracted to men. But this too is not inherently true. I am not attracted to other women, but I am attracted to my wife.

It has been possible in my life to diminish my attraction for men. I'm not sure how this is possible, but it has and does occur. I must be careful however in this endeavor. I do not place myself in a position of success and failure, with success being the total loss of attraction to men. Success for me is getting to the point where I am willing to accept all that the Father has in store for me. I believe that He can take away my feelings of same gender attraction, but whether he will do it or not does not play into my ideas of success, nor does it determine my happiness. I have learned that I can be happy today, just as I am. If tomorrow, God decides to take away these feelings, then I will accept that, but if not, I will continue to live the best that I can with what I have been given. Having feelings of same gender attraction does not mean that I am less of a person. It does not imply that I need to be fixed. It does not require that I overcome a sinful state. I am clean, I am whole, just as I am. Being faithful to my wife and holding true to the covenants I have made with God is what makes me clean, whole and happy. This is the right path for me and my life. This is what I have chosen, and I rejoice that God has given me a choice to live the way I want to live - to follow His guidance, even though at times it seams difficult and seams to make no logical sense.

Feelin' groovy. If all else fails, try sedation. I'm back on a drug I had weened myself off of a year ago because of its side effects. But, considering my current state of depression versus a few side effects, the drugs won. Seroquel is an interesting specimen of a drug. It ensures that you experience no lows by also taking away the highs. It makes you feel so drowsy and sedate that nothing really matters.

With respect to SGA, and by comparrison, I've reached this same level of no highs and no lows. However, with SGA, it's not drug induced. Somehow, I've reached a point where I have few sexual desires, and when I do, they can be either gay or straight (bisexual?). Sometimes niether side wins out and I feel asexual. I'm guessing that this is due to the depression. A decreased libedo is one of the symptoms. This, in and of itself, has been a good thing since it has made it much easier to resist temptation. However, it also leaves me feeling quite bland - like I have no sexual identity. It's a very puzzling situation. Can anyone relate?