Typically, I try not to define my experience with same gender attraction as a struggle, a difficulty, a challenge, a plight, etc. I'm bothered by the connotation of being gay in a straight relationship within the Mormon church as something bad, something negative or something that needs to be changed, fixed or resolved. But, I find it difficult not to use such terminology, not knowing really how to define or describe my experiences without saying I struggle. Being gay in a straight relationship is a very difficult struggle. I have to remain vigilant and true to the decisions I have made and in what I believe is right. Right for me, right for my family, right for my immediate and eternal happiness. So if being gay is something that I did not choose and can not change, why the struggle to do just that? I'm attempting to live a straight life, choosing not to be gay and trying to change or undo this part of who I am.

Typically, I don't write on this blog when things are going okay. There are days and weeks where thoughts of being gay have rare occasion to enter into my daily routine. For the most part, I live a heterosexual life, with the occasional gay moment. So, if you don't hear from me for awhile, most likely I haven't had any gay experiences to write about. Once in awhile I'll think, hey that guy is cute or I may have an inclination to look at gay material on the net. It always amazes me when feelings of same gender attraction hit hard. I seem to forget in-between "episodes" if that is what they can be called. It's the "episodes" that usually end up on my blog as an outlet to help me understand and to get support.

Not having had any "episodes" lately, I don't know what to write about. Are there any questions I could answer for anyone about my experience as a gay married Mormon, or any questions about me in general? Send them my way and I will try to be as open and honest as possible.