I went to the doctor today for a routine blood test. Little did I know that I had been scheduled for a full work-up, including an EKG. Luckily I had showered, shaved, etc. because I hate removing my clothes for the nurses and doctors smelling/looking like I just rolled out of bed or just got back from the gym. You would think that they would have let me know when they called to confirm. I hate surprises, especially those of the naked kind (at least when I'm the one getting naked and nobody else is). I know that doctors say they don't care how the patient looks, but I just don't buy that. I think they can appreciate someone who has taken the time to be clean and pleasant. If I were a doctor or a nurse, I would appreciate a clean patient that is mostly in-shape and somewhat pleasant to look at and be around. But that's just me. Not that I'm the hottest guy in town, but I can hold my own.

But the real surprise was that I found out that my estrogen levels are really high and my testosterone is quite low. My doctor said that sometime between the ages of 35-45 this happens to all men. However, he was concerned that since I am relatively young (in my 30s), I may want to consider testosterone shots weekly, a topical gel containing testosterone or inserting pellets into my hip every six months that release testosterone slowly, as well as taking pills twice a week that lower estrogen. He said that low testosterone makes muscle build-up more difficult, lowers libido, makes you feel less energetic and more lethargic, and a host of other things, none of them severe. Before I left his office, he gave me a shot of testosterone to see if it makes any difference.

Having a lower libido makes things (sex in particular) more difficult with my wife, but maybe it could also help in curbing SGA, making it less likely that I will want to look at porn, etc.? I guess I'm worried that increasing my testosterone will make it more difficult for me to "be good" when it comes to my SGA. I kind of like the thought of low testosterone (except for the muscle-building thing). I've thought about asking my doctor about this. He is LDS and knows about my SGA (at least I told him a few years ago and I assume that he remembers - we never talk about it anymore). Have any of you guys been in this situation before?

So another day has come and nearly gone in the life of a gay married Mormon man. I've been rushing around doing last minute gift buying and getting things ready for the big day. I was at Best Buy today, searching for a video game my young son so desperately wants. I got a little side-tracked by the flat-panel televisions and how much the prices have dropped this year. While looking at one in particular, with not a gay thought in my head (which was incredible considering all the great looking guys out Christmas shopping), a cute guy comes up to me and asks if I worked at the Wynn Casino, stating that I looked like someone he had met there. I tell him no, that it must have been someone else. Instead of leaving, he states again that I look a lot like this other guy but then asks what I do for a living. I was wondering to myself if he had used a line on me to start a conversation. Being intrigued (because I have never been approached by another man) I told him what I did. He asked a couple of follow-up questions and I replied, all the while trying to determine if he was gay. I didn't get the gay vibe from him and thought maybe that I was making him uncomfortable by gazing into his incredible eyes while I talked. However, he approached me. I'm not very good at holding conversations with complete strangers and didn't even think to ask him any questions, especially since I couldn't stop thinking that maybe he was trying to hit on me, or at least make a new friend. Then suddenly, just as quick as he had approached me from nowhere, he said "good bye" or "see you later" or something a long those lines, and walked away, leaving me staring at a flat-screen t.v. that had once held my attention but now was nothing compared to the fantastic 90 seconds I had just had talking with this guy.

After that, I aimlessly walked around the store for another 10 minutes, wondering if this guy had tried to hit on me or was just being friendly. At some point in our quick conversation did he discover that he didn't really want to get to know me, even though I had looked like a good prospect? Did he realize that I might be gay and that he had accidentally given me a reason to want to talk to him, and then upon this realization he decided to end the conversation because he was straight? For a few brief moments, I was held captive and somewhat powerless. If he had asked if I wanted to go for coffee or get together sometime, would I have been able to say no thanks? Should I have tried to add more to the conversation to give me more time to find out if he was gay or just wanting to be friends or maybe both? I could use a good straight friend. Either way, I'm sad that I didn't respond quicker and find out more about him.

Ever so alone, I feel guilty for even participating in this blog world without my wife knowing. I know it's my own fault for not telling her, but I just can't. So the question is do I keep participating behind my wife's back, or stop this blog altogether. I rationalize that it's good for me to communicate with others in my same situation. I once took it one step further and met another gay Mormon man - not with bad intent. I just wanted to talk face-to-face. Although it was a good experience and I wish I could have developed that friendship, I had to tell him that we couldn't get together anymore, at least not until I told my wife. Having a blog is one thing, but there are times when it just doesn't suffice. I want to develop closer friendships with all of you. I have allowed some of you to join my Facebook site, opening the door a little wider. With this, you know my true identity, can seem pictures of me and my family and read about my real life. It scares me to have even made this move toward some of you. I have placed a lot of trust in you. But I long for friendships that go beyond this blog, or even Facebook.

So, the two questions I need help with are:

1. Should I keep this blog without telling my wife?

2. Should I restrict my actions and communication to this blog and not meet any other men in my same situation?

The other day a close friend, who has had trouble with relationships (twice divorced) asked me what it was like to really be in love. I told him that being in love with someone means that you would have a very difficult time living without them, that your life would be completely turned upside down if they left you and that you want to spend not only this life with them, but all eternity. For me, if I lost my wife through death or divorce, I would never recover from it and I would have little to live for that had real meaning, other than my children. If I lost both my wife and children, I don't think I could survive. Literally. Maybe that's why, when it really comes down to it, I have never been with another man, even with all the desire and close calls, I have always found a way out. I'm not saying that those who have fallen and been unfaithful to their spouse don't love them enough. We do stupid things in the heat of the moment and Satan has a way of clouding our judgement, even in the face of great love. But, for me, when I ask myself what love is, it means staying with my wife and family in the face of great odds. In the face of living a life of being attracted to the same sex and choosing a wife and family, as well as a religion that views homosexual acts (not desires) as a sin.

I love getting my hair cut, mostly because I crave the touch of another man. I don't even care that it's not a sexual touch, just an innocent touch, a closeness. It has little to do with any erotic thoughts, and instead, has to do with acceptance and love on a higher level. Getting my hair cut is one of the very few places I know of that I can go and be touched without feeling guilty, knowing that it's a "safe" touch. I'm not even attracted to the guy that cuts my hair, although I suspect he is gay.

Earlier today, I had another incidence of innocent touch where the guy helping me do something had to take my arm, hand and fingers and hold onto them for a good 20 minutes. It felt good - a warm fuzzy feeling, again not erotic. Both mine and his arms were bare, as we were both wearing short-sleeved shirts. He was focused on the work he was doing, intent on doing it right. I don't think he was aware of my focus on his touch. There was little conversation during our closeness (both of us total strangers). He made the comment that my hands were a little sweaty. I was nervous but he wasn't. This was part of his regular job. I wondered how many arms and hands he had held during his job...many I'm sure. Although I could tell that he didn't have to do this on a regular basis. I would disclose what it was we were doing, but it would give too much information about me. I know I have posted about touch a few times already, and some have said that there is no way that touch like this is not at least somewhat erotic. But, it's not. It's so much more than that.

Does anyone know if there is such a thing as an on-line LDS Bishop or other authority that you can anonymously write to? I've talked before to my previous bishops about my same gender attraction (SGA), but I'm not ready to come out to my current bishop. I would like to ask some questions about SGA and feelings of worthiness. Even though I accept that I am attracted to other men and that the attraction in and of itself does not constitute a sin, I still never feel very worthy. I know that it's impossible to be perfect and that everyone needs to continually repent, but at what point does the sin become too grievous? At what point do ecclesiastical leaders need to intervene? For the most part, I've reached an equilibrium or an acceptance for who I am and where I stand with SGA. However, there remains with me an amount of sin that I fail to overcome. For example, I tend to look at questionable images and video a couple of times a month (soft porn). Is this an addiction, and if so, how much of a problem is it with respect to my worthiness to take the sacrament, attend the temple, give blessings and participate in ordinances? Although I repent frequently through personal prayer and do feel some degree of forgiveness, I know that I am bound to repeat these sins, creating an almost endless cycle and continual feeling of unworthiness.

I went to a new doctor a few days ago for an exam. What is it about proximity and attraction? Part of the exam required that he lean close to me without touching me too much. Although he wasn't necessarily attractive, I found myself enjoying the closeness of the moment - and not necessarily in a sexual way. I don't know if he could feel it, but I could feel an energy between us, something that left me wanting to be close like that again. It seemed to me that he too was trying to be a little closer, within the bounds of keeping the exam professional and not wanting to make me feel uncomfortable in any way. Yes, he was examining me, but I have also felt this proximity thing on a number of occasions with other men in even less provocative situations. While at work last week, a male coworker, who I again don't really find attractive, leaned over my computer to show me something, leaving his bare upper arm (short-sleeved shirt), just above the elbow, directly in front of my face, within a couple of inches. Again there was this amazing energy that just seemed to melt me. I could have easily leaned in and kissed his bicep.

Without making this post too arousing, I'm trying to explain a phenomenon I have rarely experienced with women. There seems to be an invisible line, that once crossed, creates this incredible energy. For me, it seems to be somewhere between six to twelve inches. Once another body comes within or under this range, something ignites, even if I'm not that attracted to the person, and I don't mean this in just a sexual way, it's different, although it could lead to greater sexual arousal. It's almost like I'm starving for some sort of physical male contact or at least proximity. Typically, I like my space and don't like it when someone takes the seat directly next to me in a meeting or at a movie and I become very uncomfortable. But once in a while, the proximity "thing", for lack of a better word, produces an energy that is quite incredible.

What do you do when you have a crush on a guy? Do you try to get to know him and try everything you can to make him be your friend? I rarely get crushes, but this past week I haven't been able to get this guy off my mind! Not only does he look great, but he seems to have everything I've ever wanted in a guy (which is pretty hard to do since I'm really picky). Obviously, I can't have a romantic relationship because I'm married and want to remain married (and so is he), but I would settle for becoming close friends. But since I suck at making friends, I'm not sure what to do. He's in my elder's quorum and he is a doctor. He's a few years younger than me, so he hasn't been a doctor for very long. The great thing about the internet now is how much information is out there on people. I don't know this guy very well, he's pretty new in our ward, so my first action was to look him up on Facebook (no luck). Next, I searched his name and got a few hits. The best hit was a ton of photos of him that were taken by someone not in his immediate family. Of course, browsing through the photos, I found a couple of him swimming (shirtless of course) and he has a great body. But, like I said, I'm not going to focus on that. I just want to be his friend. I know it's not the most ethical thing to look up details and photos of someone online, but like I said, I suck at making friends - or even just talking to people I don't know. He's also very quiet, like I am, making things more difficult.

Making close friends in the church nowadays seems next to impossible if you're not serving in a calling with them. Most of our time is taken up by our family, our work and our callings. Most married guys don't tend to hang out with other guys. So how am I going to make this work? And, should I even be trying?

I wish that more straight Mormon guys would read our posts and comment. I, for one, could really use their input and would value their insight about our world of being gay, married and Mormon. I have a close friend who is Mormon and married but not active in the church. He knows that I struggle with SGA. Over the years, he has given me some good advice. He once said that it would be easier for him to live with another guy, even have a relationship with another guy (without the sex), than to live with his wife. He and I go shopping together, go to movies, have lunch, and just hang out every once in awhile. I admit that there have been times when I wanted to be closer to him - more intimate. And, there have been times, when one of us was down, that we have been able to hug. He feels that our relationship has helped me with my SGA in the sense that our relationship fills part of that void. And he is right. But it also hurts at times because I want to be closer and know that I can't. It doesn't help that he is really good looking with a great body. I've been thinking recently about asking him if I could come over and have him just hold me, but I'm worried about being rejected. I think if I persisted, explaining that i just really need someone to hold me right now, he would do it.

Does anyone have any knowledge/experience regarding the treatment of homosexual behavior as opposed to any type of promiscuous sex by the church? Is gay sex considered more of a sin than straight sex outside of marriage? I know that it is more culturally taboo, but is it also more serious doctrinally? Almost all straight men will admit that they are tempted by other women, but almost never does a gay man admit openly that he is attracted to men. Our lessons in church, both as youth and as adults talk openly about the evils of committing sins of a heterosexual nature, but it seems far less often that our lessons talk about sins of a homosexual nature. Again, only taboo, or is there something else doctrinally that says we shouldn't talk in open groups about being gay? Has anyone experienced any pressure from church leaders to not talk openly about being gay or about wanting to have sex with the same gender? And is the subject appropriate for all ages?

So, I did go to Barnes and Noble, not really knowing what I was doing. I walked around, looked at the books and magazines and kept an eye out for a cute guy. When I realized that there weren't any cute guys around I headed to another store - same thing, no success. I continued to a few other places, still nothing. I couldn't believe how dead all these places were. I could count the number of people in the stores on two hands. I have to tell you that this was an incredible anomaly. Places like these are always busy. What was happening? Why was I having such a hard time finding anyone? To be honest, I just can't chalk this up to coincidence. Personally, I believe there was a divine hand in my complete failure. I was being counteracted at every turn until finally, I had this incredible desire to be home with my family. For a moment, I felt like I had already lost them. I felt totally alone. I felt as though I hadn't seen them for years and there was this incredible need to go home and be with them. I felt like I didn't want to ever be out of their sihgt. I felt like, even though they didn't know what was going on, they were in some way helping me, from a distance, calling to me, "Daddy, please come home, we need you. Please don't leave us."

When I think back on this now, it all seems like such a dream. Did this really happen? Was I really considering finding a guy off the street? Do I really need to kiss a guy more than I need to be with and have a wife and family? Why did I come so close to destroying all I have worked so hard to build over the past 13 years? Am I really that weak and stupid? The more I think about it, the more I don't understand. In so many respects, the person that went looking for guys is not me. He doesn't resemble what I really want most in this life and in the life to come. Every day I pray that my desire for righteousness will be stronger than my desire for sin, until ultimately, I will desire sin no more.

I guess what it comes down to is that I've already made the decisions I wanted to make about my life. I want to have a family. I love my wife and children more than anything, including my desire to be with another man. I also realize that I'm not infallible. There is no way I can accomplish this without my Savior. I'm amazed that I have a loving Father in Heaven who so far, has helped me out of every situation where I could have fallen so far that I would have lost everything that I hold dear. I don't understand why He would do this for me, especially when I keep making the same stupid mistakes. I have done nothing to deserve His love and attention.

Will I ever...and if so, which is more likely to happen?

Will I ever...

tell my wife that I am attracted to men

kiss a man

fall in love with a man

go "all the way" with a man

tell my children that I am attracted to men

leave my wife and family for a man

tell a close gay friend that I am gay

hook up with a guy from the internet

have a relationship with a man without the sex (and if so, is this wrong?)

pay to have sex with another man

tell my parents that I am attracted to men

lose my attraction for men

speak out in church about same gender attraction

feel totally worthy (or at least mostly worthy)

stop looking at porn.

To be totally honest, I don't think I will make it through this life without at least kissing another man, and possibly more. If I live to be 90, that leaves more than 50 years still to go. So, if this is the case, is it better to do it now, while I'm still young and attractive? I don't want to end up being the 60 year old guy who pays a young guy to have sex. To me, that is worse than finding a guy now that I could love for years. However, I would have to find a way to do it without having to leave my wife and kids. Could I live with myself for the rest of my life not telling anyone that I had been with another man? Maybe a kiss would be the easiest to condone. I would need to make it a kiss that is totally unattached romantically. I would be up front with the guy, saying that I only wanted a kiss to see what it is like, with no intention of going further. Is this just getting too close to the edge? What if I can't stop, or what if I really like it? I already know that I would like it, that seems obvious. And, knowing that anything further would ruin my life with my wife and kids, I could easily draw the line at a kiss.

I really think I'm going to do this. It will take some time to find the right guy. How do I find a guy that would understand and make sure that I didn't go any further? Maybe it should be someone in my same situation, or would it be better to do it with a guy that is a total stranger and already experienced. I would be interested to hear from those of you who have just kissed another guy and gone no further. Was it worth it? I'm not going to rush into this, so those of you who want to try and stop me, here's your chance, but you had better be very convincing.

I'm coming off a two or three year battle with my testimony and have only recently begun to "see the light" again. I've had a lot of questions about my faith, my church and what it means to me. Do I really believe it? And if so, why? Especially in the face of being gay and married. How could I possibly believe in a church that does not accept my sexual orientation? Somewhat reluctantly, as I've done this soul searching, I've come to find that I still believe. I believe in the restored church of Jesus Christ as presented in the Mormon faith. It would be easier if I didn't believe anymore. That way, I could reconcile my sexual orientation with the teachings of the church. But, do I really need this reconciliation to continue believing?

Believing in the doctrines of the church is one thing. Living them is another. Do I continue to play this Jekyll and Hide game? Is this dual reality even compatible? Does coming out to my wife and family erase the duality and make things as one? For most of my life, there was no duality. I was always comfortable with myself, even when the church was teaching me that my sexual orientation was wrong. It never bothered me until the past few years - maybe as things became more serious with being married and having a family. Even when I dated throughout my teenage years and on to getting married. I never really questioned the incompatibilities. It all seemed to work just fine.

So where do I go from here? What does it really mean to be gay, married and an active, believing member of the Mormon faith? Will I ever be able to fully live the religion? Am I just maintaining a charade? It doesn't feel that way. This feels real, it feels like me. This is who I am. I'm not doing this to live up to somebody else's expectations. I'm doing this because it's what I want to do. I feel no anger at the church. I've had no bad experiences with respect to being gay and in the church, even when I've come out to church leaders and a few friends. It's all been positive. The difficulties I've had, as evident in my posts for the past few years, all have to do with me and my own inner reconciliation. I've been amazed at some of the things of done and some of the situations I've gotten myself into (see earlier posts). I'm guessing I'll probably end up having more of these outrageous moments (ie., posting naked pictures of myself on the internet, meeting guys while on business travel but never going through with anything, looking and masturbating at porn, etc.). I guess it won't be a problem to keep you all entertained (I know you wish you could have seen the internet picutures though). So, I'm still here, still blogging. I'll try and post more again.

Are there any bloggers in my same situation: gay married active Mormon whose wife does not know? Please let me know if you are, or know of a blog that fits this criteria.

Thanks!

My wife had a dream the other night where I had begun to drink. She said that I had four beers, and although not drunk, she felt I was not fit to be around her and the children. She took the children and left. She left me over four beers! I know that this was only a dream, but I can't help but think that if she would leave me over four beers, there is no way she could handle me telling her that I'm attracted to men. She's actually had quite a few dreams lately where she becomes very angry with me for some odd thing or another I do, most of them trivial. I would never drink a beer, if anything, I would try a glass of wine, or maybe a Martini, but not a beer. Would she really leave me if I had a beer? She didn't say if, in her dream, she left me for good or for a few hours, but from the way she described her dream to me, it sounded like she wanted to leave for good. Should I shrug this off since it was a dream, or does it really mean something? Normally, I don't take dreams seriously, but I can't stop thinking about this one.