Does anyone have any knowledge/experience regarding the treatment of homosexual behavior as opposed to any type of promiscuous sex by the church? Is gay sex considered more of a sin than straight sex outside of marriage? I know that it is more culturally taboo, but is it also more serious doctrinally? Almost all straight men will admit that they are tempted by other women, but almost never does a gay man admit openly that he is attracted to men. Our lessons in church, both as youth and as adults talk openly about the evils of committing sins of a heterosexual nature, but it seems far less often that our lessons talk about sins of a homosexual nature. Again, only taboo, or is there something else doctrinally that says we shouldn't talk in open groups about being gay? Has anyone experienced any pressure from church leaders to not talk openly about being gay or about wanting to have sex with the same gender? And is the subject appropriate for all ages?

So, I did go to Barnes and Noble, not really knowing what I was doing. I walked around, looked at the books and magazines and kept an eye out for a cute guy. When I realized that there weren't any cute guys around I headed to another store - same thing, no success. I continued to a few other places, still nothing. I couldn't believe how dead all these places were. I could count the number of people in the stores on two hands. I have to tell you that this was an incredible anomaly. Places like these are always busy. What was happening? Why was I having such a hard time finding anyone? To be honest, I just can't chalk this up to coincidence. Personally, I believe there was a divine hand in my complete failure. I was being counteracted at every turn until finally, I had this incredible desire to be home with my family. For a moment, I felt like I had already lost them. I felt totally alone. I felt as though I hadn't seen them for years and there was this incredible need to go home and be with them. I felt like I didn't want to ever be out of their sihgt. I felt like, even though they didn't know what was going on, they were in some way helping me, from a distance, calling to me, "Daddy, please come home, we need you. Please don't leave us."

When I think back on this now, it all seems like such a dream. Did this really happen? Was I really considering finding a guy off the street? Do I really need to kiss a guy more than I need to be with and have a wife and family? Why did I come so close to destroying all I have worked so hard to build over the past 13 years? Am I really that weak and stupid? The more I think about it, the more I don't understand. In so many respects, the person that went looking for guys is not me. He doesn't resemble what I really want most in this life and in the life to come. Every day I pray that my desire for righteousness will be stronger than my desire for sin, until ultimately, I will desire sin no more.

I guess what it comes down to is that I've already made the decisions I wanted to make about my life. I want to have a family. I love my wife and children more than anything, including my desire to be with another man. I also realize that I'm not infallible. There is no way I can accomplish this without my Savior. I'm amazed that I have a loving Father in Heaven who so far, has helped me out of every situation where I could have fallen so far that I would have lost everything that I hold dear. I don't understand why He would do this for me, especially when I keep making the same stupid mistakes. I have done nothing to deserve His love and attention.

Will I ever...and if so, which is more likely to happen?

Will I ever...

tell my wife that I am attracted to men

kiss a man

fall in love with a man

go "all the way" with a man

tell my children that I am attracted to men

leave my wife and family for a man

tell a close gay friend that I am gay

hook up with a guy from the internet

have a relationship with a man without the sex (and if so, is this wrong?)

pay to have sex with another man

tell my parents that I am attracted to men

lose my attraction for men

speak out in church about same gender attraction

feel totally worthy (or at least mostly worthy)

stop looking at porn.

To be totally honest, I don't think I will make it through this life without at least kissing another man, and possibly more. If I live to be 90, that leaves more than 50 years still to go. So, if this is the case, is it better to do it now, while I'm still young and attractive? I don't want to end up being the 60 year old guy who pays a young guy to have sex. To me, that is worse than finding a guy now that I could love for years. However, I would have to find a way to do it without having to leave my wife and kids. Could I live with myself for the rest of my life not telling anyone that I had been with another man? Maybe a kiss would be the easiest to condone. I would need to make it a kiss that is totally unattached romantically. I would be up front with the guy, saying that I only wanted a kiss to see what it is like, with no intention of going further. Is this just getting too close to the edge? What if I can't stop, or what if I really like it? I already know that I would like it, that seems obvious. And, knowing that anything further would ruin my life with my wife and kids, I could easily draw the line at a kiss.

I really think I'm going to do this. It will take some time to find the right guy. How do I find a guy that would understand and make sure that I didn't go any further? Maybe it should be someone in my same situation, or would it be better to do it with a guy that is a total stranger and already experienced. I would be interested to hear from those of you who have just kissed another guy and gone no further. Was it worth it? I'm not going to rush into this, so those of you who want to try and stop me, here's your chance, but you had better be very convincing.