Two days without wearing my religious undergarments.  What an incredible feeling of freedom.  Due to a broken washing machine, we weren't able to get to our laundry until a few days after I ran out of clean garments (for those of you unfamiliar with these garments, pleas see this link: http://www.ldschurchtemples.com/mormon/underwear/).  I have a few pair of Hanes briefs that I use at the gym, so I ended up wearing them instead of garments for a couple days, just the briefs, no undershirt.  Aside from feeling a little colder, I felt so incredibly liberated and quite sexual.  I loved being able to unbutton an extra button on my shirt and let a little bit of chest show.  I loved the feeling of my clothes directly on my skin.

Having this rare opportunity, I decided to take advantage of it.  I decided to go to the mall and clothes shop.  First stop was Banana Republic.  I grabbed some clothes off the shelf and headed toward the changing rooms.  It was one of those changing rooms more open to the store and there were 3 cut guys working there.  One of them unlocked the door for me and said to let him know if I needed any additional sizes.  I stripped down to my Hanes and tried on a white shirt so thin that you could see my skin and a pair of slim pants.  I've recently lost 10 lbs and am down to a size 31 waist.  When I opened the door to ask the guy if I could get another size, there were two male employees hanging up clothes.  Both of them came over to me and commented on the fit of my clothes and made some suggestions on pant length.  The feeling of these two guys looking at me was so incredible.  I went back into the changing room and tried on a few more clothes.  When I came back out to ask them what they thought, another male employee had joined them.  There were now three guys helping me, getting clothes for me, asking me how things fit and just talking to me.  I loved being the center of attention.  I've never had that many guys waiting on me and checking me out all at the same time.

So I took things up a notch and left my door ajar as I changed into the next outfit.  I don't know for sure, but I think they could see me changing.  They weren't leering into the changing room, but I think they stole a glance or two as they were hanging up clothes and asking me how things fit.  One of them came to the door and asked if I needed any additional sizes.  I had a pair of jeans on but no shirt, so I opened the door and asked him for another pair of jeans.  When he came back, I had taken off the jeans and was just in my briefs.  He knocked and I opened the door, just long enough to take the new pair of jeans and say thanks.  I loved it when he smiled at me and said something like "nice undies".  I said thanks and quickly closed the door.  I got dressed into my own clothes and came back out.  If I could have, I would have stayed there another hour trying on clothes, letting the male employees gawk a little at me, but I had to get going.  I haven't been back since then, but look forward to the next time.

I'm curious to know if any of you think I crossed a line by doing this.  The situation was innocent enough.  A guy trying on clothes.  I was actually in need of new pants since I lost the weight, so I was there for a legitimate reason.  I didn't ask for a male employee to help me, that's just who happened to be there.  I guess I could have been a little more discrete while changing, but guys change in front of guys all the time.

I feel that my wife absolutely hates me (at least most of the time).  This is something that has happened slowly over the years.  I think most of the time she just tolerates me.  I feel bad that I'm not the person she thought I was (let alone being gay).  I think I let her down all the time with the minor things, so anything major, such as telling her I'm gay, would just cement her hatred.  However, I have to believe that in some way she still loves me.  If I said to her that I feel like she hates me, she would deny it - maybe acknowledge that she is often angry with me, but not hate me.  She has stuck with me for almost 15 years, so I must believe she is at least dedicated to our marriage.  But I wonder how much she does it out of commitment instead of love.  I wonder how much I do it out of commitment, not love.  I guess any relationship requires both.  Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to leave.  Lately, things have gotten much more complicated and I find myself doubting the path I have chosen.  There are times I feel like there is no solution and I wish I could just walk away from everything, or even end it all (as in ending my life).  I try not to go there too often. 

On a lighter note, I have a crush on a guy.  He is gay.  I've been trying to find ways of spending time with him, but haven't been too successful.  We went to lunch a few days ago and I had a great time.  I haven't told him I'm gay and he knows I'm married.  He wouldn't do anything to come between me and my relationship with my wife and family, but part of me wishes he would.  I've never had a close gay friend who knew I was gay.  It just seems too dangerous if I want to stay committed to my wife.  I wish we could just be close friends without having to worry about it.  Am I strong enough to have close gay friends and stay true to my wife, family and church?  I'm not worried about the friend, I'm worried about myself.  Maybe if I just told him the truth about being gay and told him I want to stay with my wife, we could develop a close friendship.  I just don't know if I trust myself.  I know that many of you married, gay men struggle with how, and if, to develop relationships with other gay men.  We need someone to confide in that understands and accepts us for who we are and it's hard to find this in a straight friend.

So I haven't written a post for a very long time.  But, nobody seems to really care that I haven't been around on the blogosphere, so maybe this is it.  Is there anyone interested in hearing the latest about my "secret" life I'm leading as a gay married man?  I remain devoted to my wife and my religion, but it's a continual struggle.  Part of the reason I have stopped blogging is because I'm so afraid of too many people finding out my true identity.  The more details I share, the easier it will be for someone, the wrong one, to connect the dots. 

In looking back over the years, I realize I have done a lot of self-loathing.  I think it's a common practice that many of us fall into and unfortunately makes our lives miserable.  Sometimes we mistakenly believe, whether consciously or subconsciously, that it's the church's fault, and in some cases, it jsut may be the fault of some church leadership, locally or at a higher level.  However, in looking at the teachings of the church, the actual doctrine, self-loathing is not part of the plan.  In fact, the opposite is true.  So why do I do it?  Why do I allow myself to think that I am less worthy, less loved, less acceptable to God? 

For me personally, there seems to be a constant feeling of being tarnished, that I will never be able to live up to the standards of the church.  I worry that if I allow myself too much leeway, I'll be able to rationalize behavior that would lead me down paths I don't want to go.  These are paths I don't want to pursue because I want to be with my wife and family more than I want to be with another man.  I know that some of you have been able to embrace being gay (without acting on it) while maintaining a wife and family.  Is this only possible by being totally out to our wives, family, friends and many others?  Does my secrecy, by its nature, lend toward self-loathing?  I have no acceptance from my wife, family and church because I have not allowed them the opportunity to accept me for who I am.  By receiving this acceptance, or support, does it aleviate the self-loathing?  I don't want to hate myself anymore because I am gay.  Looking again at my past, I don't think this really became apparant in my life until after I was married and began having kids.  Previously, I don't recall ever being down on myself because I was gay.  I knew that I was accepted by God and I knew that He loved me.  Why has this changed?  I'm having a hard time overcoming this evil of self-loathing.  Because that's exactly what it is.  Self-loathing does not come from God, it comes from a being who wants me to "be miserable like unto himself".

A close friend of mine, who knows I have SGA, and who is pretty hot looking, happens to owe me a lot of money. So much money that there is no way he could pay me back within the next 20 years. He's been struggling with paying the bills and expressed a desire to settle our debt. As we were brainstorming about how to reduce the amount he owed, how much he could pay me monthly, or other ways to pay me back, he jokingly suggested that he knew of a way to pay me back by giving me what I've wanted for so long: to be with another man, in this case, him.

Believe me, there was a brief moment I actually considered his offer. A brief flash of excitement. But, it was only for a second. I knew there was no possible way of even entertaining this idea. My friendship to him, my devotion to my wife and family, the promises I have made to God, all mean more to me than a brief moment of desire, albeit a long awaited desire. Unlike some of you, I have never had the experience of actually being with another man sexually. Every now and then, sometimes more now than than, the desire is so strong (not just sexually, but also emotionally) and I come close to giving it all away for one chance to experience what I have wanted for so long.

We quickly moved on to another topic and didn't come back to talking about his debt to me. We parted ways and I haven't talked to him for a week. I know that I won't bring it back up again, but there is the possibility that he would and that he would make the same offer.

I know that many connections have been made about Twilight and Mormon theology, but have any been made about Twilight and gay men in the church? For those of you who have seen the movies or read the books you know that Edward and his "family" are "vegetarians" and they have committed to not give in to their vampire yearnings and not prey on humans. They keep their dark secret of being vampires from the rest of society while living among humans. Edward falls in love with Bella (a human) and tries not to let her know that he's a vampire. This is exactly how I feel with SGA. I want to live among the members of the church and not give in to my yearnings. I try so desperately to keep this part of me a secret. The vampires in Twilight wonder if they will eventually go to hell, even thought they are doing everything to live a better way. I know that I'm not going to hell, but I wonder about the degree of my own salvation. I often feel like my attempts to live a life that I believe to be right are a lost cause and I'm just going to end up hurting everyone around me. But just as the characters in Twilight, there is a glimmer of hope and a righteous struggle to go against my very nature. I wish there was a book or a movie about a gay married Mormon guy trying to live his faith against all odds. I wouldn't mind if Robert Pattinson played my part. Maybe a film like this would help members of the church understand our plight, and maybe even make us look cool.