It has been a little over a year since we moved back to Utah. The past year has been very interesting and I've come to learn a lot about myself. I didn't think I would ever "lose" my testimony of the church, but it's looking like I at least need a break to sort things out. I have had some incredible experiences in the church and have an enourmous amount of respect for the members of the church. I just feel like I'm not happy when I go to church. I feel so much better about myself when I don't go. I don't fully blame the church, I know a lot of it has to do with myself. There must be a happy medium somewhere. That's one of the hard things about the church. You're either in or your out, there is no room for someone in-between.

I had an incredible day yesterday with another MOHO. We took our kids to the park (without our wives) and just spent a couple of hours talking and laying out on the grass while watching our kids play. Neither one of us had alterior motives. We are both dedicated to our wives and trying to make things work. I rarely get the opportunity to just talk about my feelings and just be myself. Is it possible to have a close relationship with another gay guy without crossing any lines?  I guess it helps if you're not attracted to each other, or at least one of you isn't. This guy (you know who you are) is totally hot, both in his personality and looks (lethal combination). Luckily, I don't think he is attracted to me. However, I'm just glad to have the opportunity to get to know another MOHO and hopefully support each other. I look forward to continuing our friendship and making new gay friends.

Tonight is the MOHO party at the Nicholson's. I'm trying to figure out a way to go, but it's not looking very promising. I'm getting close to coming out to my wife, so I'm going to need all the support I can get. There is no way I can do this alone.