I've been thinking seriously about posting my real name and a picture of myself on this blog, rather than using the name of Forester and a false picture. Part of me doesn't want to hide behind anonimity. I think it would help as a step toward the coming out. My wife still doesn't know about my attraction to men and I guess there is the possibility that someone I know will see my blog site. Would coming out this way place a limit on how truthful I am in my blogs? Probably, to some degree, but for the most part, I don't have a problem with others I know possibly reading this blog. I don't exactly use this blog as a personal journal, but I guess there is some information that is quite personal, especially my sexual preference for men. Why does anyone need to know something so private, and how is coming out this way really necessary in my acceptance of who I am and what I'm struggling with? If I reveal my name, I may be less likely to divulge some of the more intense sexual feelings and situations. For example, I may not want to create a post about an intense moment of physical passion in an hour of weakness.

I don't think I'm cut out for corporate America. I feel like I'm on the Apprentice every day. The competition is stiff and I just don't have the passion any more. I work for a huge consulting firm with offices all over the world. I love the firm, its goals, principles and reach, I just hate the work. I thought I could handle the stress and the pressure but I've found that I don't work well under pressure. I'm a very level headed person, but when it comes to crunch time, I find myself holding back and drowning in the chaos. I've also found that I can do lots of things but I really don't know anything. I just keep doing and hope that I will end up on top. I find myself hiding in my office, hoping I don't have to talk to anyone. The worst thing is that I have spent the last ten years educating myself and working my way up the ladder to find that I want off the ladder. If I could walk out the door today and never come back I would. I put out my resume on the web and have received multiple job offers, all doing the same thing. Why would I want to leave this job to start over again with another firm doing the same work? I'm trapped. I can't afford to start over again. I have a family to take care of. Where do I go from here? Is this where I'm destined to be the rest of my working life? There's plenty of opportunity for growth where I'm at, I just don't want to grow anymore - at least not in corporate America. I need out. I don't mind wearing a suit and tie every day, I just don't know the reason I'm wearing a suit and tie. My work life has little meaning to me. I enjoy the perks of working for the firm (being able to work from home, new laptop every two years, good pay, good pay increases, good health benefits, travel, etc.), but do the perks really make it worth feeling like another rat in the rat race? I don't like myself when I'm at work, I don't like what I've become and I don't like what I see for the future if I stay in this field of work. Whatever happened to be excited about the future? Am I going through a mid-life crisis? I have arrived, but I don't know where or why I have arrived.

A week ago I was listening to Dr. Laura on the radio and a woman called in asking if she should leave her husband because he was gay. They had children and the husband was begging her to not leave him. He hadn't been unfaithful to her but was having a difficult time with his attraction to men. The woman felt that it would be best to take the children and leave so that he could have some time alone to deal with his struggle. I was suprised when Dr. Laura told her not to leave her husband since he wanted to stay together and work things out. Dr. Laura felt it was worse to leave than to stay with a gay man. She said that once the children were grown, then they could decide if they wanted to stay together, but for the sake of saving the family, they should stay together for now. She told the woman to help her husband, stay by his side and stay committed to the vows they had made at marriage.

I was so impressed by her advice that I wrote an email to the show thanking her for sticking up for gay married men and their families. I told her a little about my own situation and how I am trying to do everything to stay faithful and that I would not be able to make it without the support of my wife. I also told her about our blogs (hope that was okay) and that there are many of us who are staying faithful against the odds. She immediately emailed back (during her show, not sure how she did that) asking for specific websites. I gave her mine.

I was so proud to have our struggle highlighted on national radio, with the support of a national figure. I don't always agree with what Dr. Laura says, but was very impressed with her advice to this woman.

I am 99% gay. I reserve 1% for being attracted physically to my wife, but beyond this, I have no attraction for women. I've heard that there is a scale for gayness, but I've never met anyone who was gay that was only half gay. I have also heard of gay men who have rid themselves of their attraction to men. I do believe this can be done, but I have yet to experience it. There have been times when I had no attraction to men or women. I had little to no sexual drive during my darkest months of depression. I could look at naked men or women without any attraction.

I had someone tell me that since I have been able to marry and have children that I must be lower on the gayness scale. Believe me, I am extremely attracted to men. I have never been attracted to women at any time in my life except for one short period of my egagement to my wife. Looking back to puberty and even before, I have always and only been attracted to men. There were a few short months while dating and being engaged to my wife where I was attracted to her. If this had not happened, I may not have gotten married. As it stands now, I love my wife, but I'm thinking that our sex life is probably not as good as a perfectly straight couple. If she initiates it, I can usually follow through, but I rarely initiate it any more.

Is this a sad existence? Not by a longshot. Having an incredible wife and incredible children, being able to take the sacrament, attend the temple, participate in all things in the church as though I were a perfectly straight man is what I have worked to accomplish. These are real and tangible accomplishments on which I base my success against the temptation of being attracted to men. I fall now and again, but I pick myself up and continue down the path I know will bring me true happiness now and through the eternities.

"Do we nevertheless feel somehow diminished by the reality of the omniscience of God? Does His foreknowledge (which grows out of His omniscience) seem to make us less significant or less free? Does the perfect predictability of our behavior (in God's eyes) seem to squeeze out some of the sense of adventure in mortality? And if so, do we childishly want to play-act just a little longer - risking righteousness and true happiness merely in order to be reassured about our independence?"
Neal A. Maxwell, from All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience

I am back from my business trip to Salt Lake. And although I didn't meet up with a guy, I'm not proud of my actions. As a bachelor, without my wife, there is no way I could make it to heaven. I'm just too weak and stupid. I was supposed to arrive in Salt Lake at 6:30 pm Sunday evening. This was going to give me time to spend the evening out, cruising for guys in some of Salt Lake's seedier places. I didn't have to show up at work until Tuesday morning, so I also had a full day on Monday to live the bachelor life and "play-act" the gay life. However, my plane was delayed three hours and I didn't make it to the hotel until nearly 10:00 pm. So I gave up the evening out idea and decided to go online to a gay chat room to see what was going on in Salt Lake in the gay community. Needless to say, I found a guy, willing to come to my hotel room, but we chatted for so long that he decided to go to bed, with the idea of meeting up the next day for lunch. I was supposed to contact him and let him know where.

The morning came and I slept in. Once I got up and going, I had no desire to meet up with this guy, thanks to masturbating the night before. Normally, I would say that masturbation is not the right thing to do, but in this case, it was better than actually meeting up with the guy. And no, I didn't do it online with him, it was after we signed off. I had a pretty normal day, but there is not much to do in town on a Monday afternoon, so I ended up walking around the city and found myself at Temple Square. I saw the Joseph Smith film at the JS Memorial Building. There were many who were crying, but I would not allow myself to be touched by the spirit, especially after a less than righteous evening.

However, I was still determined to have some fun as a bachelor. So Tuesday night I met up with an old friend. He is gay, but does not know about my SGA. Luckily I am in no way attracted to him. He had seen a play and I met him afterward in front of the theatre when all of the actors and staff were coming out. I made a statement that was overheard by some of the staff. I said to my friend, "No wonder you like coming here, there are a lot of cute guys." Within seconds, one of the guys came over and started talking to us and was obviously hitting on me. I really wanted to ask him to dinner, but I didn't.

Later that evening, we went to meet a new friend of my gay friend. This friend was also gay, and to my near downfall, very hot. If the friend hadn't been on his way to work, we would have ended up hanging out, perhaps going back to the hotel, and who knows what would have happened. I flirted with him a little and wanted to touch him, even if it was just in jest. I kept looking into his eyes. I'm pretty sure he thought I was gay. Then my friend mentions my kids and all my fun went out the window. We left and I went back to the hotel and went to bed.

That was the extent of my few days as a gay man. Close calls, but no major action. However, it was enough to make me feel pretty guilty. I can't imagine how I would feel if things had gone further. I would be devastated. But as it turns out, I'm home, with my family, with a few more days of temptation behind me.

HELP! My flight leaves tomorrow afternoon (Sunday) for Salt Lake and I've been cruising Salt Lake gay chat rooms to find someone to meet while I'm there for a few days. Overall, I trust myself and have made it this far, but I'm having a hard time for some reason. Why can't I be the same person I am when I'm at home when I'm away by myself? Am I really that weak? I don't necessarily want to have sex with a guy while I'm in Salt Lake. I just want to meet someone and spend some time with another guy. Do I allow myself to meet someone, going into it with the goal of just spending time, going to dinner, talking, committed not to have sex? I know I'm playing with fire, but I think after all these years that I can handle myself. Do one of you guys want to meet and save me from myself?

So I took a trip to Utah this weekend. I had forgotten how many good looking young guys there are in Utah. Everywhere I looked there were groups of guys everywhere. I couldn't keep my eyes off them. I don't know how those of you who are in Salt Lake, Provo and other Utah towns can handle it. I would seriously have a tough time. I have to make another trip to Salt Lake in another week and I'm worried about how I am going to handle it. I will be in town on business, by myself, with a great hotel room. Three nights in a town full of clean cut Mormon guys. It's been a couple of years since I was in Salt Lake on business and the last time was the closest I have ever come to picking up a guy and taking him to my room. I was in the Starbucks at the Marriott when two obviously gay young men came in. They knew I was looking at them and that I wanted to approach them. But, I just couldn't do it. I finally got up and left. As I walked out, one of them called after me "Don't leave." I almost turned around. With my heart beating I kept walking back to my hotel room. Way too close for comfort.

Modern reason compared to that of fifty years ago is quite amazing. I'm a big fan of watching old movies and television. They seem to give us a glimpse into the thought and culture of the time in which the movie was made. I know we can't judge a time based on its media. Can you imagine being judged by what is currently on television and in movies? However, there are glimpses into the time period through the themes, scope and format of dialogue, reasoning, and structure of plot. These glimpses sometimes show how simple minded people must have been. Have you ever watched the old "Planet of the Apes"? Although quite remarkable in concept, deliverance of the story to the people of that time period is at best hilarious.

I wonder what will be said about SGA fifty years from now and how they will look back at us today.

Like many of you, I can't stop thinking about Elbow. He has been having such a difficult time. His latest post says that he has decided to leave his wife. Although I support him in his decision, I can't help but think that he is making the wrong decision. After reviewing my responses to his posts, I really hate myself for not taking a harder line for what I believe in. As much as I want him to stay with his wife, I don't want to be the one to tell him that he should. I want him to be happy and I want him to make choices that he feels will make him happy. I've always thought that when faced with a choice, most people, especially those raised in the church, will choose the right - meaning that they will hold fast to what the church teaches. But, nobody should be making choices based on someone elses testimony. Members of the church need to learn to rely on their own testimony. If you don't make your own choices then you start feeling resentment for the church. You shouldn't live the gospel if you don't want to - if you don't believe in it. Nobody shold be coerced into living a latter-day saint lifestyle. If you don't want to be in the church, then get out. I'm not going to try and save you. I'll be here for you and support you, but I won't make your decisions for you. I'm definately not one to talk. I'm depressed, attracted to men myself and question my own testimony frequently.

I've received some comments suggesting that I am suffering from depression because my SGA is in conflict with my beliefs, my marriage and my family. I know there are many struggling with SGA who also suffer from depression, and that there is a direct link between the two. In my case however, there doesn't seem to be a connection. However, I can understand and sympathize with those who do suffer from mental illness as a result of inner conflicts, as well as religeous and societal pressures, arising from SGA. It's a tough road for all of us, whether or not we are Mormon. I have had conversations with many openly gay men who feel, deep down, that they know their lifestyle is wrong. I believe we are all born with the light of Christ within us that helps us to know right from wrong.

There is a lot of misunderstanding and stigma associated with mental illness. Saying that depression is a result of their environment or their circumstances does not always hold true. I have yet to pinpoint any reason for my depression. Some mental illness is simply the result of chemicals, or the lack thereof, in the brain. Having clinical depression for the past two years has helped me to take a closer look at myself. The disease in and of itself is actually quite physically and mentally debilitating. I ended up taking two months paid medical leave from work just to begin recovery. Although the disease probably snuck up on me slowly, it felt more like a sudden hit. I woke up one morning completely unable to face going into work. There was nothing in particular happening at work to make me feel this way, but I felt like I couldn't be away from my wife for more than five minutes. The idea of being alone was terrifying. Little did I know that this was just the beginning and there would be even more terrifying moments over the next two years. It has been quite an intriguing journey. I would never have guessed that I would have come down with this illness. I've always been happy - even with my struggle of SGA.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this, other than to say that my choice of being faithful to my wife and my beliefs, in the face of SGA, has not caused my depression. I don't feel trapped in my marriage or unfulfilled sexually because I have chosen to supress feelings of SGA. There are many who would lead me to believe that by not allowing myself to follow my "true" feelings of SGA that I will never be happy. In reality, the opposite is the truth.

Maybe I'm in denial, but I just don't believe that my SGA is the cause of my sadness. I have depression, and there may or may not be a reason for the depression. It's an illness, like having diabetes, just with a more complex mental component. I'm not leading a duplicitous life like many feel who have SGA. I have no internal conflict between my SGA and my religeous beliefs. I'm not denying myself of who I am. I will definately not be happier by giving in to temptation. Yes, I do have guilt about my feelings, but only enough guilt to keep me on the right track. Most of the time, I am happy and most of the time I have no SGA. I don't allow my SGA to play a dominant role in my life. I truely have dominion over myself. I have over ten years of marriage and at least twice that many years tempted with SGA but not a single sex act with another man. I can definately make it through the rest of my life.

I did not choose to have SGA, but I have chosen not to follow those inclinations. Anyone striving to live a righteous life must learn how to set limits on sex, whether gay or straight. I'm being more true to myself by staying true to my beliefs. Giving in to SGA would be denying my true self and my true nature as child of God. SGA does not define who I am, but it does help me to find my true self by exposing SGA for what it is: a lie. It may seem attractive and exciting on the surface, but it will never lead to true happiness. I am willing to bear this struggle all of my life if need be. By doing this, I will at least be true to myself by staying true to what I believe at my core. I will deny myself of all ungodliness and come unto Christ.

Crying in the Dark

There are times when I feel so fragile. It feels like the world is just too cruel of a place for me to exist. Where just the words from someone could crush me. It's a world where I just want to build a huge wall around myself and my family to shelter us from the evil and ugliness that surrounds us. Living at the end of times is difficult and often overwhelming. I feel like a child. I can't comprehend all that is going on around me and why there is so much hatred. It seems that everyone around me is struggling. They are tired. At work, at church, in restaurants, at the library, wherever I go, people are tired and barely hanging on. There has never been a greater need for the saving grace of Christ.

What is my role in all of this? I want to be a good father and husband. I want to contribute to society in a positive way. I want to be obedient. I want to be good. I want to help others. I want to make the world a better place. I feel like I'm stuck in a place that is difficult to move forward. I do okay at work, but not great, I do okay at home, but not great, I do okay in my church calling, but not great. I feel trapped. I often feel depressed, not just down, but totally overcome by blackness.

I have a good job and am able to support my family. I have a good education that allowed me to get a good job. The work is interesting, but something is missing. Something is not right. Is it just me? Should I be more positive about my work and the life I am leading? I have a great wife and children. They are my anchor and my hope, but they know something is wrong with me. I wish I could just pin it on the SGA, but that would be too easy. My SGA doesn't really create that many problems in my life. It's tough at times, but I don't believe that it is the cause of my suffering. My therapist tells me not to focus on the cause, but instead on the solution - don't ask why, just look forward. But I can't help but ask what is causing these feelings of incompleteness? Why are there nights that I can't stop crying in the dark - and I don't even know why I'm crying?

Thorn in the Flesh

"And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Corinthi ans 12:7-10)

Paul's words strike me with both beuty and despair, ugliness and comfort. I've often felt that my ssa was a part of who I am. Do our sins define us? I would hope not, however the struggles that result from sin and temptation do define us. Our hopes and desires define who we are, but even mor than these our actions define us. I've never really been a man of great action. As an introvert, I prefer to watch and listen and then act in more subtle ways. In some ways, non-action can be a very powerful action in and of itself. Choosing not to participate, not to respond, not to give in, not to follow the crowd, not to jump at every beckoning call can be more challenging than taking action.

I am who I am, a married Mormon who is attracted to other men. But I am also so many other things. How much of the ssa plays a part of me, is really up to me. There is a group of thought in the field of psychology called "Parts Theory" that breaks a person down into various individual persons. For example, a person could have a distinct personality of an artist, as well as a businessman and a father. It's helpful to identify our various parts and give them place within us, without letting one part dominate the others. There are times when we have to negotiate between our parts, to make peace with each of them when internal conflicts arise. For me this understanding has helped a great deal with ssa. Yes, it's a part of me, but it does not define the complete me. Someday, I may find no further use of this part of me and I will be able to lay it or him to rest, but for now, he is there. A thorn in my side. I no longer ask for it to be removed, and believe me, I have asked more than "thrice". Instead, I ask for help, patience, understanding and mercy.

Strength in Numbers

So far, this blog, as well as other blogs of similar subject matter, has been an interesting look into the lives of gay married Mormon men. I'm impressed by the resiliency and faith of all of you and I'm honored to receive strength from your writings on these blogs. The greatest insight I have received is learning more about myself through my own writings and your responses to my blogs. I look forward to hearing about all of your struggles, successes and yes, even failures.

Coming Out to a Gay Friend

Only a handfull of people know I'm gay: a bishop, a couple of therapists, and a cousin. Each one required much thought and prayer before coming out to them. However, there is one person, a very close friend with whom a spent a few close years each summer that I have not told and continue to debate in my mind on whether or not to tell him. He's gay. He came out to me a few years ago, worried that I would then refuse his friendship. Little did he know how understanding I would really be. Should I tell hime that I am gay? He has gone through so many struggles and I've tried to be there for him, but something has held me back from letting him know that I too am gay. If I tell him, I'm worried it would ceate a bad situation. I finally found out that he has been attracted to me, where I find him very unattractive. I'm worried that he will feel like more of a failure because even though I'm gay, I have been able to marry and have kids and am doing very well. I have been able to keep my attraction to men at bay. He already feels like a failure with everything else in life and I don't want to add to that feeling. I know he's not a failure and have told him many times how much I love and respect him. Also, if I tell him that I'm gay, he may lose hope in coming back to the church. I want to tell him, but am not sure of my motives. I want to tell him how much I really do understand his struggles because I've had them myself. I'm also worried that he would take things too far and tell my wife, or it may even push him over the edge - be too much for him to handle. I'm worried that he would try and develop a relationship with me, and that if I pushed him away, he would feel extreme rejection, something he constantly feels already from most men. Is there any good in telling him I'm gay? So far, my answer to this question has been no.

Coming Out

So everyone I ask advises me not to tell my wife of my attraction to men. Their reasoning goes something like this: Since you have never cheated on her (never been with another man) then telling her that you are attracted to other men would just blow things out of proportion. I've lived all my adult life with SSA, never kissed a guy, met a great woman in college, was and still am attracted to her, have three great children and a great relationship. It's not like I really need her support. Instead telling her would place a tremendous pressure on her to help me as well as make her question my attraction and love for her.

I can't imagine life without her and my children. They are what I want in life and that is why I have made the decisions I have made. Don't we all struggle with sex in some form or another in this day and age? I have talked with a former Bishop and he left it up to me to tell her if I wanted to, but suggested that I don't. I've talked to a close friend who knows of my SSA and he vehemently advises not to tell her. I've spoken with three therapists over the past two years, and only one of them has even suggested telling her about it.

I don't mind bearing this struggle without her, but I do like to share everything about me with her. We don't keep secrets from her, but maybe this is a secret worth keeping, at least for now. If I can continue to be strong and confide in others, including my Savior, then I believe I can make it through without her having to find out through an act of adultery with another guy.

I wish there were some sort of "safe" environment where I could try a few things like kiss another guy. I rarely look at porn, but when I do, I am mostly offended by what I see, so I easily turn it off. This leads me to believe that if I were able to try some things with another guy my curiosity would be diminished. On the other hand, if I really like it, then it's probably harder to go back and not give into temptation again.

The close friend that knows of my gay feelings is LDS and has had sex with another guy out of curiosity - before he was converted. He said that it did eliminate any curiosity and he has no interest in men. He too has been sealed in the temple now. Sometimes it makes me wish I had done more experimentation when I was younger, before getting married. Then I wouldn't be facing all of these questions now. They would have been answered in the past.

Trying to Be a Real Man

I am so self-conscious about people thinking I'm gay that I go to great lengths to act "manly". I've even been trying to change my wardrobe, look scruffier, grow a little facial hair. But I don't think it's working. I am pretty much a butch acting guy, but once in awhile I do like to wear good looking clothes (actually most of the time) and everybody in my ward knows that I'm the one that decorates our house. Yes, I'm married and have little children. They are used to Dad rearranging the furniture and spending money on things like ottomans.

I don't believe in stereotypes, but believe me, I've got a lot of the gay stereotypes, even though I act butch. Where am I going with this? I guess I just want to know if I should try harder to be a real man by acting manly, using power tools. not matching my clothes, etc. or if I should just be myself. I know that as Mormons we are supposed to dress conservatively, but I really like my pink and red striped shirt.

I've never been with another man before and have come too close on too many occasions. I need the strength of all of you who are having the same struggle with SSA. I'm so afraid that one of these times I am going to give into the temptation that has been a part of me for so many years. If another man approached me, in person, I would have a difficult time refusing. I've often hid behind gay chat rooms and have come close to actually meeting these guys in person.

I feel like I just need to do it and be done with it, so I know once and for all what it would be like to be with another man. It's probably good that I have no idea how to find a guy. I wouldn't know what to say or how to approach another guy. I know some guys have caught me staring at them, but I usually try to hide it. One of these times I'm afraid I'm going to jump off the edge.