Two days without wearing my religious undergarments.  What an incredible feeling of freedom.  Due to a broken washing machine, we weren't able to get to our laundry until a few days after I ran out of clean garments (for those of you unfamiliar with these garments, pleas see this link: http://www.ldschurchtemples.com/mormon/underwear/).  I have a few pair of Hanes briefs that I use at the gym, so I ended up wearing them instead of garments for a couple days, just the briefs, no undershirt.  Aside from feeling a little colder, I felt so incredibly liberated and quite sexual.  I loved being able to unbutton an extra button on my shirt and let a little bit of chest show.  I loved the feeling of my clothes directly on my skin.

Having this rare opportunity, I decided to take advantage of it.  I decided to go to the mall and clothes shop.  First stop was Banana Republic.  I grabbed some clothes off the shelf and headed toward the changing rooms.  It was one of those changing rooms more open to the store and there were 3 cut guys working there.  One of them unlocked the door for me and said to let him know if I needed any additional sizes.  I stripped down to my Hanes and tried on a white shirt so thin that you could see my skin and a pair of slim pants.  I've recently lost 10 lbs and am down to a size 31 waist.  When I opened the door to ask the guy if I could get another size, there were two male employees hanging up clothes.  Both of them came over to me and commented on the fit of my clothes and made some suggestions on pant length.  The feeling of these two guys looking at me was so incredible.  I went back into the changing room and tried on a few more clothes.  When I came back out to ask them what they thought, another male employee had joined them.  There were now three guys helping me, getting clothes for me, asking me how things fit and just talking to me.  I loved being the center of attention.  I've never had that many guys waiting on me and checking me out all at the same time.

So I took things up a notch and left my door ajar as I changed into the next outfit.  I don't know for sure, but I think they could see me changing.  They weren't leering into the changing room, but I think they stole a glance or two as they were hanging up clothes and asking me how things fit.  One of them came to the door and asked if I needed any additional sizes.  I had a pair of jeans on but no shirt, so I opened the door and asked him for another pair of jeans.  When he came back, I had taken off the jeans and was just in my briefs.  He knocked and I opened the door, just long enough to take the new pair of jeans and say thanks.  I loved it when he smiled at me and said something like "nice undies".  I said thanks and quickly closed the door.  I got dressed into my own clothes and came back out.  If I could have, I would have stayed there another hour trying on clothes, letting the male employees gawk a little at me, but I had to get going.  I haven't been back since then, but look forward to the next time.

I'm curious to know if any of you think I crossed a line by doing this.  The situation was innocent enough.  A guy trying on clothes.  I was actually in need of new pants since I lost the weight, so I was there for a legitimate reason.  I didn't ask for a male employee to help me, that's just who happened to be there.  I guess I could have been a little more discrete while changing, but guys change in front of guys all the time.

I feel that my wife absolutely hates me (at least most of the time).  This is something that has happened slowly over the years.  I think most of the time she just tolerates me.  I feel bad that I'm not the person she thought I was (let alone being gay).  I think I let her down all the time with the minor things, so anything major, such as telling her I'm gay, would just cement her hatred.  However, I have to believe that in some way she still loves me.  If I said to her that I feel like she hates me, she would deny it - maybe acknowledge that she is often angry with me, but not hate me.  She has stuck with me for almost 15 years, so I must believe she is at least dedicated to our marriage.  But I wonder how much she does it out of commitment instead of love.  I wonder how much I do it out of commitment, not love.  I guess any relationship requires both.  Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to leave.  Lately, things have gotten much more complicated and I find myself doubting the path I have chosen.  There are times I feel like there is no solution and I wish I could just walk away from everything, or even end it all (as in ending my life).  I try not to go there too often. 

On a lighter note, I have a crush on a guy.  He is gay.  I've been trying to find ways of spending time with him, but haven't been too successful.  We went to lunch a few days ago and I had a great time.  I haven't told him I'm gay and he knows I'm married.  He wouldn't do anything to come between me and my relationship with my wife and family, but part of me wishes he would.  I've never had a close gay friend who knew I was gay.  It just seems too dangerous if I want to stay committed to my wife.  I wish we could just be close friends without having to worry about it.  Am I strong enough to have close gay friends and stay true to my wife, family and church?  I'm not worried about the friend, I'm worried about myself.  Maybe if I just told him the truth about being gay and told him I want to stay with my wife, we could develop a close friendship.  I just don't know if I trust myself.  I know that many of you married, gay men struggle with how, and if, to develop relationships with other gay men.  We need someone to confide in that understands and accepts us for who we are and it's hard to find this in a straight friend.

So I haven't written a post for a very long time.  But, nobody seems to really care that I haven't been around on the blogosphere, so maybe this is it.  Is there anyone interested in hearing the latest about my "secret" life I'm leading as a gay married man?  I remain devoted to my wife and my religion, but it's a continual struggle.  Part of the reason I have stopped blogging is because I'm so afraid of too many people finding out my true identity.  The more details I share, the easier it will be for someone, the wrong one, to connect the dots. 

In looking back over the years, I realize I have done a lot of self-loathing.  I think it's a common practice that many of us fall into and unfortunately makes our lives miserable.  Sometimes we mistakenly believe, whether consciously or subconsciously, that it's the church's fault, and in some cases, it jsut may be the fault of some church leadership, locally or at a higher level.  However, in looking at the teachings of the church, the actual doctrine, self-loathing is not part of the plan.  In fact, the opposite is true.  So why do I do it?  Why do I allow myself to think that I am less worthy, less loved, less acceptable to God? 

For me personally, there seems to be a constant feeling of being tarnished, that I will never be able to live up to the standards of the church.  I worry that if I allow myself too much leeway, I'll be able to rationalize behavior that would lead me down paths I don't want to go.  These are paths I don't want to pursue because I want to be with my wife and family more than I want to be with another man.  I know that some of you have been able to embrace being gay (without acting on it) while maintaining a wife and family.  Is this only possible by being totally out to our wives, family, friends and many others?  Does my secrecy, by its nature, lend toward self-loathing?  I have no acceptance from my wife, family and church because I have not allowed them the opportunity to accept me for who I am.  By receiving this acceptance, or support, does it aleviate the self-loathing?  I don't want to hate myself anymore because I am gay.  Looking again at my past, I don't think this really became apparant in my life until after I was married and began having kids.  Previously, I don't recall ever being down on myself because I was gay.  I knew that I was accepted by God and I knew that He loved me.  Why has this changed?  I'm having a hard time overcoming this evil of self-loathing.  Because that's exactly what it is.  Self-loathing does not come from God, it comes from a being who wants me to "be miserable like unto himself".

A close friend of mine, who knows I have SGA, and who is pretty hot looking, happens to owe me a lot of money. So much money that there is no way he could pay me back within the next 20 years. He's been struggling with paying the bills and expressed a desire to settle our debt. As we were brainstorming about how to reduce the amount he owed, how much he could pay me monthly, or other ways to pay me back, he jokingly suggested that he knew of a way to pay me back by giving me what I've wanted for so long: to be with another man, in this case, him.

Believe me, there was a brief moment I actually considered his offer. A brief flash of excitement. But, it was only for a second. I knew there was no possible way of even entertaining this idea. My friendship to him, my devotion to my wife and family, the promises I have made to God, all mean more to me than a brief moment of desire, albeit a long awaited desire. Unlike some of you, I have never had the experience of actually being with another man sexually. Every now and then, sometimes more now than than, the desire is so strong (not just sexually, but also emotionally) and I come close to giving it all away for one chance to experience what I have wanted for so long.

We quickly moved on to another topic and didn't come back to talking about his debt to me. We parted ways and I haven't talked to him for a week. I know that I won't bring it back up again, but there is the possibility that he would and that he would make the same offer.

I know that many connections have been made about Twilight and Mormon theology, but have any been made about Twilight and gay men in the church? For those of you who have seen the movies or read the books you know that Edward and his "family" are "vegetarians" and they have committed to not give in to their vampire yearnings and not prey on humans. They keep their dark secret of being vampires from the rest of society while living among humans. Edward falls in love with Bella (a human) and tries not to let her know that he's a vampire. This is exactly how I feel with SGA. I want to live among the members of the church and not give in to my yearnings. I try so desperately to keep this part of me a secret. The vampires in Twilight wonder if they will eventually go to hell, even thought they are doing everything to live a better way. I know that I'm not going to hell, but I wonder about the degree of my own salvation. I often feel like my attempts to live a life that I believe to be right are a lost cause and I'm just going to end up hurting everyone around me. But just as the characters in Twilight, there is a glimmer of hope and a righteous struggle to go against my very nature. I wish there was a book or a movie about a gay married Mormon guy trying to live his faith against all odds. I wouldn't mind if Robert Pattinson played my part. Maybe a film like this would help members of the church understand our plight, and maybe even make us look cool.

I went to the doctor today for a routine blood test. Little did I know that I had been scheduled for a full work-up, including an EKG. Luckily I had showered, shaved, etc. because I hate removing my clothes for the nurses and doctors smelling/looking like I just rolled out of bed or just got back from the gym. You would think that they would have let me know when they called to confirm. I hate surprises, especially those of the naked kind (at least when I'm the one getting naked and nobody else is). I know that doctors say they don't care how the patient looks, but I just don't buy that. I think they can appreciate someone who has taken the time to be clean and pleasant. If I were a doctor or a nurse, I would appreciate a clean patient that is mostly in-shape and somewhat pleasant to look at and be around. But that's just me. Not that I'm the hottest guy in town, but I can hold my own.

But the real surprise was that I found out that my estrogen levels are really high and my testosterone is quite low. My doctor said that sometime between the ages of 35-45 this happens to all men. However, he was concerned that since I am relatively young (in my 30s), I may want to consider testosterone shots weekly, a topical gel containing testosterone or inserting pellets into my hip every six months that release testosterone slowly, as well as taking pills twice a week that lower estrogen. He said that low testosterone makes muscle build-up more difficult, lowers libido, makes you feel less energetic and more lethargic, and a host of other things, none of them severe. Before I left his office, he gave me a shot of testosterone to see if it makes any difference.

Having a lower libido makes things (sex in particular) more difficult with my wife, but maybe it could also help in curbing SGA, making it less likely that I will want to look at porn, etc.? I guess I'm worried that increasing my testosterone will make it more difficult for me to "be good" when it comes to my SGA. I kind of like the thought of low testosterone (except for the muscle-building thing). I've thought about asking my doctor about this. He is LDS and knows about my SGA (at least I told him a few years ago and I assume that he remembers - we never talk about it anymore). Have any of you guys been in this situation before?

So another day has come and nearly gone in the life of a gay married Mormon man. I've been rushing around doing last minute gift buying and getting things ready for the big day. I was at Best Buy today, searching for a video game my young son so desperately wants. I got a little side-tracked by the flat-panel televisions and how much the prices have dropped this year. While looking at one in particular, with not a gay thought in my head (which was incredible considering all the great looking guys out Christmas shopping), a cute guy comes up to me and asks if I worked at the Wynn Casino, stating that I looked like someone he had met there. I tell him no, that it must have been someone else. Instead of leaving, he states again that I look a lot like this other guy but then asks what I do for a living. I was wondering to myself if he had used a line on me to start a conversation. Being intrigued (because I have never been approached by another man) I told him what I did. He asked a couple of follow-up questions and I replied, all the while trying to determine if he was gay. I didn't get the gay vibe from him and thought maybe that I was making him uncomfortable by gazing into his incredible eyes while I talked. However, he approached me. I'm not very good at holding conversations with complete strangers and didn't even think to ask him any questions, especially since I couldn't stop thinking that maybe he was trying to hit on me, or at least make a new friend. Then suddenly, just as quick as he had approached me from nowhere, he said "good bye" or "see you later" or something a long those lines, and walked away, leaving me staring at a flat-screen t.v. that had once held my attention but now was nothing compared to the fantastic 90 seconds I had just had talking with this guy.

After that, I aimlessly walked around the store for another 10 minutes, wondering if this guy had tried to hit on me or was just being friendly. At some point in our quick conversation did he discover that he didn't really want to get to know me, even though I had looked like a good prospect? Did he realize that I might be gay and that he had accidentally given me a reason to want to talk to him, and then upon this realization he decided to end the conversation because he was straight? For a few brief moments, I was held captive and somewhat powerless. If he had asked if I wanted to go for coffee or get together sometime, would I have been able to say no thanks? Should I have tried to add more to the conversation to give me more time to find out if he was gay or just wanting to be friends or maybe both? I could use a good straight friend. Either way, I'm sad that I didn't respond quicker and find out more about him.

Ever so alone, I feel guilty for even participating in this blog world without my wife knowing. I know it's my own fault for not telling her, but I just can't. So the question is do I keep participating behind my wife's back, or stop this blog altogether. I rationalize that it's good for me to communicate with others in my same situation. I once took it one step further and met another gay Mormon man - not with bad intent. I just wanted to talk face-to-face. Although it was a good experience and I wish I could have developed that friendship, I had to tell him that we couldn't get together anymore, at least not until I told my wife. Having a blog is one thing, but there are times when it just doesn't suffice. I want to develop closer friendships with all of you. I have allowed some of you to join my Facebook site, opening the door a little wider. With this, you know my true identity, can seem pictures of me and my family and read about my real life. It scares me to have even made this move toward some of you. I have placed a lot of trust in you. But I long for friendships that go beyond this blog, or even Facebook.

So, the two questions I need help with are:

1. Should I keep this blog without telling my wife?

2. Should I restrict my actions and communication to this blog and not meet any other men in my same situation?

The other day a close friend, who has had trouble with relationships (twice divorced) asked me what it was like to really be in love. I told him that being in love with someone means that you would have a very difficult time living without them, that your life would be completely turned upside down if they left you and that you want to spend not only this life with them, but all eternity. For me, if I lost my wife through death or divorce, I would never recover from it and I would have little to live for that had real meaning, other than my children. If I lost both my wife and children, I don't think I could survive. Literally. Maybe that's why, when it really comes down to it, I have never been with another man, even with all the desire and close calls, I have always found a way out. I'm not saying that those who have fallen and been unfaithful to their spouse don't love them enough. We do stupid things in the heat of the moment and Satan has a way of clouding our judgement, even in the face of great love. But, for me, when I ask myself what love is, it means staying with my wife and family in the face of great odds. In the face of living a life of being attracted to the same sex and choosing a wife and family, as well as a religion that views homosexual acts (not desires) as a sin.

I love getting my hair cut, mostly because I crave the touch of another man. I don't even care that it's not a sexual touch, just an innocent touch, a closeness. It has little to do with any erotic thoughts, and instead, has to do with acceptance and love on a higher level. Getting my hair cut is one of the very few places I know of that I can go and be touched without feeling guilty, knowing that it's a "safe" touch. I'm not even attracted to the guy that cuts my hair, although I suspect he is gay.

Earlier today, I had another incidence of innocent touch where the guy helping me do something had to take my arm, hand and fingers and hold onto them for a good 20 minutes. It felt good - a warm fuzzy feeling, again not erotic. Both mine and his arms were bare, as we were both wearing short-sleeved shirts. He was focused on the work he was doing, intent on doing it right. I don't think he was aware of my focus on his touch. There was little conversation during our closeness (both of us total strangers). He made the comment that my hands were a little sweaty. I was nervous but he wasn't. This was part of his regular job. I wondered how many arms and hands he had held during his job...many I'm sure. Although I could tell that he didn't have to do this on a regular basis. I would disclose what it was we were doing, but it would give too much information about me. I know I have posted about touch a few times already, and some have said that there is no way that touch like this is not at least somewhat erotic. But, it's not. It's so much more than that.

Does anyone know if there is such a thing as an on-line LDS Bishop or other authority that you can anonymously write to? I've talked before to my previous bishops about my same gender attraction (SGA), but I'm not ready to come out to my current bishop. I would like to ask some questions about SGA and feelings of worthiness. Even though I accept that I am attracted to other men and that the attraction in and of itself does not constitute a sin, I still never feel very worthy. I know that it's impossible to be perfect and that everyone needs to continually repent, but at what point does the sin become too grievous? At what point do ecclesiastical leaders need to intervene? For the most part, I've reached an equilibrium or an acceptance for who I am and where I stand with SGA. However, there remains with me an amount of sin that I fail to overcome. For example, I tend to look at questionable images and video a couple of times a month (soft porn). Is this an addiction, and if so, how much of a problem is it with respect to my worthiness to take the sacrament, attend the temple, give blessings and participate in ordinances? Although I repent frequently through personal prayer and do feel some degree of forgiveness, I know that I am bound to repeat these sins, creating an almost endless cycle and continual feeling of unworthiness.

I went to a new doctor a few days ago for an exam. What is it about proximity and attraction? Part of the exam required that he lean close to me without touching me too much. Although he wasn't necessarily attractive, I found myself enjoying the closeness of the moment - and not necessarily in a sexual way. I don't know if he could feel it, but I could feel an energy between us, something that left me wanting to be close like that again. It seemed to me that he too was trying to be a little closer, within the bounds of keeping the exam professional and not wanting to make me feel uncomfortable in any way. Yes, he was examining me, but I have also felt this proximity thing on a number of occasions with other men in even less provocative situations. While at work last week, a male coworker, who I again don't really find attractive, leaned over my computer to show me something, leaving his bare upper arm (short-sleeved shirt), just above the elbow, directly in front of my face, within a couple of inches. Again there was this amazing energy that just seemed to melt me. I could have easily leaned in and kissed his bicep.

Without making this post too arousing, I'm trying to explain a phenomenon I have rarely experienced with women. There seems to be an invisible line, that once crossed, creates this incredible energy. For me, it seems to be somewhere between six to twelve inches. Once another body comes within or under this range, something ignites, even if I'm not that attracted to the person, and I don't mean this in just a sexual way, it's different, although it could lead to greater sexual arousal. It's almost like I'm starving for some sort of physical male contact or at least proximity. Typically, I like my space and don't like it when someone takes the seat directly next to me in a meeting or at a movie and I become very uncomfortable. But once in a while, the proximity "thing", for lack of a better word, produces an energy that is quite incredible.

What do you do when you have a crush on a guy? Do you try to get to know him and try everything you can to make him be your friend? I rarely get crushes, but this past week I haven't been able to get this guy off my mind! Not only does he look great, but he seems to have everything I've ever wanted in a guy (which is pretty hard to do since I'm really picky). Obviously, I can't have a romantic relationship because I'm married and want to remain married (and so is he), but I would settle for becoming close friends. But since I suck at making friends, I'm not sure what to do. He's in my elder's quorum and he is a doctor. He's a few years younger than me, so he hasn't been a doctor for very long. The great thing about the internet now is how much information is out there on people. I don't know this guy very well, he's pretty new in our ward, so my first action was to look him up on Facebook (no luck). Next, I searched his name and got a few hits. The best hit was a ton of photos of him that were taken by someone not in his immediate family. Of course, browsing through the photos, I found a couple of him swimming (shirtless of course) and he has a great body. But, like I said, I'm not going to focus on that. I just want to be his friend. I know it's not the most ethical thing to look up details and photos of someone online, but like I said, I suck at making friends - or even just talking to people I don't know. He's also very quiet, like I am, making things more difficult.

Making close friends in the church nowadays seems next to impossible if you're not serving in a calling with them. Most of our time is taken up by our family, our work and our callings. Most married guys don't tend to hang out with other guys. So how am I going to make this work? And, should I even be trying?

I wish that more straight Mormon guys would read our posts and comment. I, for one, could really use their input and would value their insight about our world of being gay, married and Mormon. I have a close friend who is Mormon and married but not active in the church. He knows that I struggle with SGA. Over the years, he has given me some good advice. He once said that it would be easier for him to live with another guy, even have a relationship with another guy (without the sex), than to live with his wife. He and I go shopping together, go to movies, have lunch, and just hang out every once in awhile. I admit that there have been times when I wanted to be closer to him - more intimate. And, there have been times, when one of us was down, that we have been able to hug. He feels that our relationship has helped me with my SGA in the sense that our relationship fills part of that void. And he is right. But it also hurts at times because I want to be closer and know that I can't. It doesn't help that he is really good looking with a great body. I've been thinking recently about asking him if I could come over and have him just hold me, but I'm worried about being rejected. I think if I persisted, explaining that i just really need someone to hold me right now, he would do it.

Does anyone have any knowledge/experience regarding the treatment of homosexual behavior as opposed to any type of promiscuous sex by the church? Is gay sex considered more of a sin than straight sex outside of marriage? I know that it is more culturally taboo, but is it also more serious doctrinally? Almost all straight men will admit that they are tempted by other women, but almost never does a gay man admit openly that he is attracted to men. Our lessons in church, both as youth and as adults talk openly about the evils of committing sins of a heterosexual nature, but it seems far less often that our lessons talk about sins of a homosexual nature. Again, only taboo, or is there something else doctrinally that says we shouldn't talk in open groups about being gay? Has anyone experienced any pressure from church leaders to not talk openly about being gay or about wanting to have sex with the same gender? And is the subject appropriate for all ages?

So, I did go to Barnes and Noble, not really knowing what I was doing. I walked around, looked at the books and magazines and kept an eye out for a cute guy. When I realized that there weren't any cute guys around I headed to another store - same thing, no success. I continued to a few other places, still nothing. I couldn't believe how dead all these places were. I could count the number of people in the stores on two hands. I have to tell you that this was an incredible anomaly. Places like these are always busy. What was happening? Why was I having such a hard time finding anyone? To be honest, I just can't chalk this up to coincidence. Personally, I believe there was a divine hand in my complete failure. I was being counteracted at every turn until finally, I had this incredible desire to be home with my family. For a moment, I felt like I had already lost them. I felt totally alone. I felt as though I hadn't seen them for years and there was this incredible need to go home and be with them. I felt like I didn't want to ever be out of their sihgt. I felt like, even though they didn't know what was going on, they were in some way helping me, from a distance, calling to me, "Daddy, please come home, we need you. Please don't leave us."

When I think back on this now, it all seems like such a dream. Did this really happen? Was I really considering finding a guy off the street? Do I really need to kiss a guy more than I need to be with and have a wife and family? Why did I come so close to destroying all I have worked so hard to build over the past 13 years? Am I really that weak and stupid? The more I think about it, the more I don't understand. In so many respects, the person that went looking for guys is not me. He doesn't resemble what I really want most in this life and in the life to come. Every day I pray that my desire for righteousness will be stronger than my desire for sin, until ultimately, I will desire sin no more.

I guess what it comes down to is that I've already made the decisions I wanted to make about my life. I want to have a family. I love my wife and children more than anything, including my desire to be with another man. I also realize that I'm not infallible. There is no way I can accomplish this without my Savior. I'm amazed that I have a loving Father in Heaven who so far, has helped me out of every situation where I could have fallen so far that I would have lost everything that I hold dear. I don't understand why He would do this for me, especially when I keep making the same stupid mistakes. I have done nothing to deserve His love and attention.

Will I ever...and if so, which is more likely to happen?

Will I ever...

tell my wife that I am attracted to men

kiss a man

fall in love with a man

go "all the way" with a man

tell my children that I am attracted to men

leave my wife and family for a man

tell a close gay friend that I am gay

hook up with a guy from the internet

have a relationship with a man without the sex (and if so, is this wrong?)

pay to have sex with another man

tell my parents that I am attracted to men

lose my attraction for men

speak out in church about same gender attraction

feel totally worthy (or at least mostly worthy)

stop looking at porn.

To be totally honest, I don't think I will make it through this life without at least kissing another man, and possibly more. If I live to be 90, that leaves more than 50 years still to go. So, if this is the case, is it better to do it now, while I'm still young and attractive? I don't want to end up being the 60 year old guy who pays a young guy to have sex. To me, that is worse than finding a guy now that I could love for years. However, I would have to find a way to do it without having to leave my wife and kids. Could I live with myself for the rest of my life not telling anyone that I had been with another man? Maybe a kiss would be the easiest to condone. I would need to make it a kiss that is totally unattached romantically. I would be up front with the guy, saying that I only wanted a kiss to see what it is like, with no intention of going further. Is this just getting too close to the edge? What if I can't stop, or what if I really like it? I already know that I would like it, that seems obvious. And, knowing that anything further would ruin my life with my wife and kids, I could easily draw the line at a kiss.

I really think I'm going to do this. It will take some time to find the right guy. How do I find a guy that would understand and make sure that I didn't go any further? Maybe it should be someone in my same situation, or would it be better to do it with a guy that is a total stranger and already experienced. I would be interested to hear from those of you who have just kissed another guy and gone no further. Was it worth it? I'm not going to rush into this, so those of you who want to try and stop me, here's your chance, but you had better be very convincing.