I'm feeling so vulnerable right now, like the entire world is against me. In a way, my entire world is against me. My life revolves around my wife and family, church and work. Although I adore my wife, I feel like I can't be my entire self with her. I've tried on a few occasions to talk to her about my feelings and my situation, but it never falls on kind, receptive, non-judgemental ears. I can't say as I blame her, she has a lot at stake in the life that we have built over the years. Anything I say that may threaten this life, no matter how true, is met with resistance. I'm having a hard time knowing how to operate in this atmosphere, and so I typically end up not saying or doing anything externally, while internally I'm confronting all the issues of being gay, as well as my belief in the church. I feel like I'm in this vortex of conflict, and whenever there is a moment of calm, I begin to get out of this storm, only to be pushed back into the vortex. There is no perfect solution. Actually, there is not even a good solution.

I did get the opportunity today to have lunch with a good friend who understands what I'm going through. It was good to see his smile and get a hug.

I tried talking to my wife yesterday about me needing to take a step back from the church right now. She seemed frustrated and almost as though she didn't believe me, or that I could actually be saying something like that. She knows I've been struggling with participation in the church for years, so I was a little surprised by her reaction. Although, as I anticipated, she didn't want to talk about it. She complains about our lack of communication and then gets frustrated when I try to communicate. This is one of the reasons I have not told her about me being attracted to men.

It's interesting that, ever since I've allowed myself to actually doubt the veracity of the church, when I listen to talks and lessons in church, it's unbelievable what is being said. I've been seeing things from a whole new perspective. I never realized how many contradictions there are in church doctrine. Granted, the majority of what people say in church is not really doctrine, but instead their preception of doctrine. There are many beautiful concepts contained in the church doctrine, such as the promise of living forever, but there are many doctrines that even though they once seemed desirable, are no longer what I would want in an afterlife. Nor are the "blessings" saught after in this life that desirable as taught in the church. The things that most members of the church enjoy, I do not enjoy. I guess what I'm saying is that what the church has to offer, both in this life and the next is simply not desirable to me. What the church teaches as happiness, is not what makes me happy. This isn't to say that every doctrine and belief of the church does not make me happy.

I don't yet know to what extent I don't believe anymore. I don't feel that everything the church teaches is wrong. However, I'm allowing everything to be put on the table. I'm allowing myself to assess what I really believe and ask some difficult qusestions. And I'm doing it from a more open perspective.

It has been a little over a year since we moved back to Utah. The past year has been very interesting and I've come to learn a lot about myself. I didn't think I would ever "lose" my testimony of the church, but it's looking like I at least need a break to sort things out. I have had some incredible experiences in the church and have an enourmous amount of respect for the members of the church. I just feel like I'm not happy when I go to church. I feel so much better about myself when I don't go. I don't fully blame the church, I know a lot of it has to do with myself. There must be a happy medium somewhere. That's one of the hard things about the church. You're either in or your out, there is no room for someone in-between.

I had an incredible day yesterday with another MOHO. We took our kids to the park (without our wives) and just spent a couple of hours talking and laying out on the grass while watching our kids play. Neither one of us had alterior motives. We are both dedicated to our wives and trying to make things work. I rarely get the opportunity to just talk about my feelings and just be myself. Is it possible to have a close relationship with another gay guy without crossing any lines?  I guess it helps if you're not attracted to each other, or at least one of you isn't. This guy (you know who you are) is totally hot, both in his personality and looks (lethal combination). Luckily, I don't think he is attracted to me. However, I'm just glad to have the opportunity to get to know another MOHO and hopefully support each other. I look forward to continuing our friendship and making new gay friends.

Tonight is the MOHO party at the Nicholson's. I'm trying to figure out a way to go, but it's not looking very promising. I'm getting close to coming out to my wife, so I'm going to need all the support I can get. There is no way I can do this alone.

My life has taken an interesting turn over the past few months. I've begun to see some things more clearly, but I've also become more confused, frustrated, lonely and alienated. I've been coming out to more people and have met a few MOHOS from this blog world and others here in Salt Lake. I've also been connecting more with them on Facebook. Overall, it hasn't been that great of an experience (with a few exceptions). It's just made my life more complex and confusing. I'm not sure who to turn to and who to trust anymore. I know I haven't made the best effort to connect with others, but for me, just making the effort is a huge step. I know I offended a few of you with the over 40 only comment. There are actually many of you who I would like to meet who are over 40 (Beck and Bravone to name two).

Lately, (actually, for quite some time now) I've been struggling with the culture of the church. It really bothers me how many perceive what the church is and really have little clue of what it is. The teachings of the church have been so watered down over my lifetime that nobody addresses the tough issues anymore, and when they actually do, the conjecture, misunderstandings and sterilized knowledge of the doctrine totally turns me off. Nobody seems to question anything. How can anyone expect us to progress individually and as a church without taking a hard look at the way we do things. Lets get rid of the cultural "teachings" and focus on the real doctrine of the church. Lets stop focusing on numbers (do you do your hometeaching every month, we need six people to fulfill this assignment at the mill, at the temple), stop making the EQ the cheap labor. Why doesn't anyone pay for movers? It's really not that expensive. Forced service is not the way to go. Guilting us into doing things is not the way to go. Lets revamp the three hour block. Have you been to primary lately? It's not the primary I grew up with and the changes have not been for the better (most of the changes have been socially and culturally based, not doctrinally based). I could go on and on. I know that nobody is perfect and that most are doing their best. I don't necessarily blame individuals for the way things have gotten. I blame the culture.

It's not my intent to bash the church, just the opposite. I have an incredible testimony of Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, temple work, and all the other incredible things about the church. I just feel so alienated. I know a lot of it is my own fault, I admit that. But I'm tired of being judged because I don't do all, or even most of the things that others "think" I should be doing. Maybe it's just because I'm not a social person and the programs in the church all seem to be socially oriented. We have to participate in this, and participate in that. I would prefer to do things on my own. I know that most need these social aspects of the church, but for those of us who don't, it doesn't make us bad people. Social activities drain the hell out of me - including church Sunday meetings. I don't feel rejuvinated in the least. I'm made to feel guilty and not worthy. After teaching primary I feel totally wiped out (and not in a good way). Maybe I just need a break. I feel bad for those who have to do so much each Sunday (especially the Bishop and auxiliary leaders). I'm really beginning to question the whole lay leadership thing. I would like to go and be able to just sit and learn, feel at peace and focus without having to do anything. I know that contradicts what we have been taught in the church. We're supposed to serve each other and help each other. But there's got to be a better way.

So I know I haven't posted in forever and so much has been happening in my life that I've wanted to post, the only problem is I've been able to meet some of you who follow my blog since moving to Utah and I don't want to blog about these experiences if they might offend.  It's one thing exposing my private life, but it's another thing exposing somebody else.  I know I can change names, etc, but those who know me would know I'm talking about them, and although most of my comments would be good, I would still hold back some of my true feelings, making me not want to blog about it.  I've also become increasingly scared that someone I know will discover my blog and be able to connect the dots. I really admire those of you who have come out to your wives, families and friends, especially those of you who are open in your church wards.

Yesterday my wife told me that she had a dream that I didn't want to be with her any more.  She doesn't know that I'm gay, but it's obvious that she feels this disconnect between us, even though I am totally dedicated to her. I have enough problem trying to convince her that I love her without having the extra burden of having to prove myself to her if she knew I was gay. Those who I have come out to are usually totally surprised, although there have been a couple that said they knew. Usually these are gay friends who knew what to "watch" for and with whom I've already been able to make a connection. I've realized that I have this fundamental fear of people thinking or finding out that I'm gay. I would say at least 50% of the time, if not more, when I interact with straight guys, internally I keep telling myself that I hope they don't think I'm gay. It has become such a natural response to hide my attraction to guys in every social situation, with friends, family, ward members (especially ward members). Because of this, I tend to suppress everything about me, not just that I'm gay, but anything about me that may lead anyone to think I'm gay.  I find myself not wanting to be in social situations, not wanting to give responses in church classes, not wanting to share anything about myself with others.  Most the time, I don't even realize what I'm doing, it just comes so naturally now. Hiding my attraction to guys at all costs has been my reality for so many years. Now I find myself not knowing how to interact with people, having to second guess everything I do and say. Why do I live in this world of deception? I'm just too afraid to tell people I love, so I end up telling people I hardly know, like the guy who cuts my hair or somebody I've met on-line in my same situation. I thought I could live in this "secret" world without too many repercussions, but I'm finding there are many results that I never realized until now.

I think I'm ready to start meeting other Mohos in Salt Lake City, where I live now. If you're interested, let me know.  I would prefer to only meet guys under 40 - but I might make an exception. 

Two days without wearing my religious undergarments.  What an incredible feeling of freedom.  Due to a broken washing machine, we weren't able to get to our laundry until a few days after I ran out of clean garments (for those of you unfamiliar with these garments, pleas see this link: http://www.ldschurchtemples.com/mormon/underwear/).  I have a few pair of Hanes briefs that I use at the gym, so I ended up wearing them instead of garments for a couple days, just the briefs, no undershirt.  Aside from feeling a little colder, I felt so incredibly liberated and quite sexual.  I loved being able to unbutton an extra button on my shirt and let a little bit of chest show.  I loved the feeling of my clothes directly on my skin.

Having this rare opportunity, I decided to take advantage of it.  I decided to go to the mall and clothes shop.  First stop was Banana Republic.  I grabbed some clothes off the shelf and headed toward the changing rooms.  It was one of those changing rooms more open to the store and there were 3 cut guys working there.  One of them unlocked the door for me and said to let him know if I needed any additional sizes.  I stripped down to my Hanes and tried on a white shirt so thin that you could see my skin and a pair of slim pants.  I've recently lost 10 lbs and am down to a size 31 waist.  When I opened the door to ask the guy if I could get another size, there were two male employees hanging up clothes.  Both of them came over to me and commented on the fit of my clothes and made some suggestions on pant length.  The feeling of these two guys looking at me was so incredible.  I went back into the changing room and tried on a few more clothes.  When I came back out to ask them what they thought, another male employee had joined them.  There were now three guys helping me, getting clothes for me, asking me how things fit and just talking to me.  I loved being the center of attention.  I've never had that many guys waiting on me and checking me out all at the same time.

So I took things up a notch and left my door ajar as I changed into the next outfit.  I don't know for sure, but I think they could see me changing.  They weren't leering into the changing room, but I think they stole a glance or two as they were hanging up clothes and asking me how things fit.  One of them came to the door and asked if I needed any additional sizes.  I had a pair of jeans on but no shirt, so I opened the door and asked him for another pair of jeans.  When he came back, I had taken off the jeans and was just in my briefs.  He knocked and I opened the door, just long enough to take the new pair of jeans and say thanks.  I loved it when he smiled at me and said something like "nice undies".  I said thanks and quickly closed the door.  I got dressed into my own clothes and came back out.  If I could have, I would have stayed there another hour trying on clothes, letting the male employees gawk a little at me, but I had to get going.  I haven't been back since then, but look forward to the next time.

I'm curious to know if any of you think I crossed a line by doing this.  The situation was innocent enough.  A guy trying on clothes.  I was actually in need of new pants since I lost the weight, so I was there for a legitimate reason.  I didn't ask for a male employee to help me, that's just who happened to be there.  I guess I could have been a little more discrete while changing, but guys change in front of guys all the time.

I feel that my wife absolutely hates me (at least most of the time).  This is something that has happened slowly over the years.  I think most of the time she just tolerates me.  I feel bad that I'm not the person she thought I was (let alone being gay).  I think I let her down all the time with the minor things, so anything major, such as telling her I'm gay, would just cement her hatred.  However, I have to believe that in some way she still loves me.  If I said to her that I feel like she hates me, she would deny it - maybe acknowledge that she is often angry with me, but not hate me.  She has stuck with me for almost 15 years, so I must believe she is at least dedicated to our marriage.  But I wonder how much she does it out of commitment instead of love.  I wonder how much I do it out of commitment, not love.  I guess any relationship requires both.  Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to leave.  Lately, things have gotten much more complicated and I find myself doubting the path I have chosen.  There are times I feel like there is no solution and I wish I could just walk away from everything, or even end it all (as in ending my life).  I try not to go there too often. 

On a lighter note, I have a crush on a guy.  He is gay.  I've been trying to find ways of spending time with him, but haven't been too successful.  We went to lunch a few days ago and I had a great time.  I haven't told him I'm gay and he knows I'm married.  He wouldn't do anything to come between me and my relationship with my wife and family, but part of me wishes he would.  I've never had a close gay friend who knew I was gay.  It just seems too dangerous if I want to stay committed to my wife.  I wish we could just be close friends without having to worry about it.  Am I strong enough to have close gay friends and stay true to my wife, family and church?  I'm not worried about the friend, I'm worried about myself.  Maybe if I just told him the truth about being gay and told him I want to stay with my wife, we could develop a close friendship.  I just don't know if I trust myself.  I know that many of you married, gay men struggle with how, and if, to develop relationships with other gay men.  We need someone to confide in that understands and accepts us for who we are and it's hard to find this in a straight friend.

So I haven't written a post for a very long time.  But, nobody seems to really care that I haven't been around on the blogosphere, so maybe this is it.  Is there anyone interested in hearing the latest about my "secret" life I'm leading as a gay married man?  I remain devoted to my wife and my religion, but it's a continual struggle.  Part of the reason I have stopped blogging is because I'm so afraid of too many people finding out my true identity.  The more details I share, the easier it will be for someone, the wrong one, to connect the dots. 

In looking back over the years, I realize I have done a lot of self-loathing.  I think it's a common practice that many of us fall into and unfortunately makes our lives miserable.  Sometimes we mistakenly believe, whether consciously or subconsciously, that it's the church's fault, and in some cases, it jsut may be the fault of some church leadership, locally or at a higher level.  However, in looking at the teachings of the church, the actual doctrine, self-loathing is not part of the plan.  In fact, the opposite is true.  So why do I do it?  Why do I allow myself to think that I am less worthy, less loved, less acceptable to God? 

For me personally, there seems to be a constant feeling of being tarnished, that I will never be able to live up to the standards of the church.  I worry that if I allow myself too much leeway, I'll be able to rationalize behavior that would lead me down paths I don't want to go.  These are paths I don't want to pursue because I want to be with my wife and family more than I want to be with another man.  I know that some of you have been able to embrace being gay (without acting on it) while maintaining a wife and family.  Is this only possible by being totally out to our wives, family, friends and many others?  Does my secrecy, by its nature, lend toward self-loathing?  I have no acceptance from my wife, family and church because I have not allowed them the opportunity to accept me for who I am.  By receiving this acceptance, or support, does it aleviate the self-loathing?  I don't want to hate myself anymore because I am gay.  Looking again at my past, I don't think this really became apparant in my life until after I was married and began having kids.  Previously, I don't recall ever being down on myself because I was gay.  I knew that I was accepted by God and I knew that He loved me.  Why has this changed?  I'm having a hard time overcoming this evil of self-loathing.  Because that's exactly what it is.  Self-loathing does not come from God, it comes from a being who wants me to "be miserable like unto himself".

A close friend of mine, who knows I have SGA, and who is pretty hot looking, happens to owe me a lot of money. So much money that there is no way he could pay me back within the next 20 years. He's been struggling with paying the bills and expressed a desire to settle our debt. As we were brainstorming about how to reduce the amount he owed, how much he could pay me monthly, or other ways to pay me back, he jokingly suggested that he knew of a way to pay me back by giving me what I've wanted for so long: to be with another man, in this case, him.

Believe me, there was a brief moment I actually considered his offer. A brief flash of excitement. But, it was only for a second. I knew there was no possible way of even entertaining this idea. My friendship to him, my devotion to my wife and family, the promises I have made to God, all mean more to me than a brief moment of desire, albeit a long awaited desire. Unlike some of you, I have never had the experience of actually being with another man sexually. Every now and then, sometimes more now than than, the desire is so strong (not just sexually, but also emotionally) and I come close to giving it all away for one chance to experience what I have wanted for so long.

We quickly moved on to another topic and didn't come back to talking about his debt to me. We parted ways and I haven't talked to him for a week. I know that I won't bring it back up again, but there is the possibility that he would and that he would make the same offer.

I know that many connections have been made about Twilight and Mormon theology, but have any been made about Twilight and gay men in the church? For those of you who have seen the movies or read the books you know that Edward and his "family" are "vegetarians" and they have committed to not give in to their vampire yearnings and not prey on humans. They keep their dark secret of being vampires from the rest of society while living among humans. Edward falls in love with Bella (a human) and tries not to let her know that he's a vampire. This is exactly how I feel with SGA. I want to live among the members of the church and not give in to my yearnings. I try so desperately to keep this part of me a secret. The vampires in Twilight wonder if they will eventually go to hell, even thought they are doing everything to live a better way. I know that I'm not going to hell, but I wonder about the degree of my own salvation. I often feel like my attempts to live a life that I believe to be right are a lost cause and I'm just going to end up hurting everyone around me. But just as the characters in Twilight, there is a glimmer of hope and a righteous struggle to go against my very nature. I wish there was a book or a movie about a gay married Mormon guy trying to live his faith against all odds. I wouldn't mind if Robert Pattinson played my part. Maybe a film like this would help members of the church understand our plight, and maybe even make us look cool.

I went to the doctor today for a routine blood test. Little did I know that I had been scheduled for a full work-up, including an EKG. Luckily I had showered, shaved, etc. because I hate removing my clothes for the nurses and doctors smelling/looking like I just rolled out of bed or just got back from the gym. You would think that they would have let me know when they called to confirm. I hate surprises, especially those of the naked kind (at least when I'm the one getting naked and nobody else is). I know that doctors say they don't care how the patient looks, but I just don't buy that. I think they can appreciate someone who has taken the time to be clean and pleasant. If I were a doctor or a nurse, I would appreciate a clean patient that is mostly in-shape and somewhat pleasant to look at and be around. But that's just me. Not that I'm the hottest guy in town, but I can hold my own.

But the real surprise was that I found out that my estrogen levels are really high and my testosterone is quite low. My doctor said that sometime between the ages of 35-45 this happens to all men. However, he was concerned that since I am relatively young (in my 30s), I may want to consider testosterone shots weekly, a topical gel containing testosterone or inserting pellets into my hip every six months that release testosterone slowly, as well as taking pills twice a week that lower estrogen. He said that low testosterone makes muscle build-up more difficult, lowers libido, makes you feel less energetic and more lethargic, and a host of other things, none of them severe. Before I left his office, he gave me a shot of testosterone to see if it makes any difference.

Having a lower libido makes things (sex in particular) more difficult with my wife, but maybe it could also help in curbing SGA, making it less likely that I will want to look at porn, etc.? I guess I'm worried that increasing my testosterone will make it more difficult for me to "be good" when it comes to my SGA. I kind of like the thought of low testosterone (except for the muscle-building thing). I've thought about asking my doctor about this. He is LDS and knows about my SGA (at least I told him a few years ago and I assume that he remembers - we never talk about it anymore). Have any of you guys been in this situation before?

So another day has come and nearly gone in the life of a gay married Mormon man. I've been rushing around doing last minute gift buying and getting things ready for the big day. I was at Best Buy today, searching for a video game my young son so desperately wants. I got a little side-tracked by the flat-panel televisions and how much the prices have dropped this year. While looking at one in particular, with not a gay thought in my head (which was incredible considering all the great looking guys out Christmas shopping), a cute guy comes up to me and asks if I worked at the Wynn Casino, stating that I looked like someone he had met there. I tell him no, that it must have been someone else. Instead of leaving, he states again that I look a lot like this other guy but then asks what I do for a living. I was wondering to myself if he had used a line on me to start a conversation. Being intrigued (because I have never been approached by another man) I told him what I did. He asked a couple of follow-up questions and I replied, all the while trying to determine if he was gay. I didn't get the gay vibe from him and thought maybe that I was making him uncomfortable by gazing into his incredible eyes while I talked. However, he approached me. I'm not very good at holding conversations with complete strangers and didn't even think to ask him any questions, especially since I couldn't stop thinking that maybe he was trying to hit on me, or at least make a new friend. Then suddenly, just as quick as he had approached me from nowhere, he said "good bye" or "see you later" or something a long those lines, and walked away, leaving me staring at a flat-screen t.v. that had once held my attention but now was nothing compared to the fantastic 90 seconds I had just had talking with this guy.

After that, I aimlessly walked around the store for another 10 minutes, wondering if this guy had tried to hit on me or was just being friendly. At some point in our quick conversation did he discover that he didn't really want to get to know me, even though I had looked like a good prospect? Did he realize that I might be gay and that he had accidentally given me a reason to want to talk to him, and then upon this realization he decided to end the conversation because he was straight? For a few brief moments, I was held captive and somewhat powerless. If he had asked if I wanted to go for coffee or get together sometime, would I have been able to say no thanks? Should I have tried to add more to the conversation to give me more time to find out if he was gay or just wanting to be friends or maybe both? I could use a good straight friend. Either way, I'm sad that I didn't respond quicker and find out more about him.

Ever so alone, I feel guilty for even participating in this blog world without my wife knowing. I know it's my own fault for not telling her, but I just can't. So the question is do I keep participating behind my wife's back, or stop this blog altogether. I rationalize that it's good for me to communicate with others in my same situation. I once took it one step further and met another gay Mormon man - not with bad intent. I just wanted to talk face-to-face. Although it was a good experience and I wish I could have developed that friendship, I had to tell him that we couldn't get together anymore, at least not until I told my wife. Having a blog is one thing, but there are times when it just doesn't suffice. I want to develop closer friendships with all of you. I have allowed some of you to join my Facebook site, opening the door a little wider. With this, you know my true identity, can seem pictures of me and my family and read about my real life. It scares me to have even made this move toward some of you. I have placed a lot of trust in you. But I long for friendships that go beyond this blog, or even Facebook.

So, the two questions I need help with are:

1. Should I keep this blog without telling my wife?

2. Should I restrict my actions and communication to this blog and not meet any other men in my same situation?

The other day a close friend, who has had trouble with relationships (twice divorced) asked me what it was like to really be in love. I told him that being in love with someone means that you would have a very difficult time living without them, that your life would be completely turned upside down if they left you and that you want to spend not only this life with them, but all eternity. For me, if I lost my wife through death or divorce, I would never recover from it and I would have little to live for that had real meaning, other than my children. If I lost both my wife and children, I don't think I could survive. Literally. Maybe that's why, when it really comes down to it, I have never been with another man, even with all the desire and close calls, I have always found a way out. I'm not saying that those who have fallen and been unfaithful to their spouse don't love them enough. We do stupid things in the heat of the moment and Satan has a way of clouding our judgement, even in the face of great love. But, for me, when I ask myself what love is, it means staying with my wife and family in the face of great odds. In the face of living a life of being attracted to the same sex and choosing a wife and family, as well as a religion that views homosexual acts (not desires) as a sin.

I love getting my hair cut, mostly because I crave the touch of another man. I don't even care that it's not a sexual touch, just an innocent touch, a closeness. It has little to do with any erotic thoughts, and instead, has to do with acceptance and love on a higher level. Getting my hair cut is one of the very few places I know of that I can go and be touched without feeling guilty, knowing that it's a "safe" touch. I'm not even attracted to the guy that cuts my hair, although I suspect he is gay.

Earlier today, I had another incidence of innocent touch where the guy helping me do something had to take my arm, hand and fingers and hold onto them for a good 20 minutes. It felt good - a warm fuzzy feeling, again not erotic. Both mine and his arms were bare, as we were both wearing short-sleeved shirts. He was focused on the work he was doing, intent on doing it right. I don't think he was aware of my focus on his touch. There was little conversation during our closeness (both of us total strangers). He made the comment that my hands were a little sweaty. I was nervous but he wasn't. This was part of his regular job. I wondered how many arms and hands he had held during his job...many I'm sure. Although I could tell that he didn't have to do this on a regular basis. I would disclose what it was we were doing, but it would give too much information about me. I know I have posted about touch a few times already, and some have said that there is no way that touch like this is not at least somewhat erotic. But, it's not. It's so much more than that.

Does anyone know if there is such a thing as an on-line LDS Bishop or other authority that you can anonymously write to? I've talked before to my previous bishops about my same gender attraction (SGA), but I'm not ready to come out to my current bishop. I would like to ask some questions about SGA and feelings of worthiness. Even though I accept that I am attracted to other men and that the attraction in and of itself does not constitute a sin, I still never feel very worthy. I know that it's impossible to be perfect and that everyone needs to continually repent, but at what point does the sin become too grievous? At what point do ecclesiastical leaders need to intervene? For the most part, I've reached an equilibrium or an acceptance for who I am and where I stand with SGA. However, there remains with me an amount of sin that I fail to overcome. For example, I tend to look at questionable images and video a couple of times a month (soft porn). Is this an addiction, and if so, how much of a problem is it with respect to my worthiness to take the sacrament, attend the temple, give blessings and participate in ordinances? Although I repent frequently through personal prayer and do feel some degree of forgiveness, I know that I am bound to repeat these sins, creating an almost endless cycle and continual feeling of unworthiness.