Thursday, July 24, 2008

Why is homosexuality considered a sin according to many church doctrines? Biblically, there are few, if any, real direct references to it. Within the LDS church, I know much about the doctrine of same gender attraction, but I don't always understand the reasoning. I also know why being gay is wrong for me, but is it wrong for everyone else as well? I am also very aware of what the consequences would be if I decided to have sex with another man. Is it these consequences that make the act a sin? The consequences for me, would be devastating. Is it only a sin because it hurts me and others in some way? I have more I want to write about this, but I want to hear some of your thoughts first.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008


This is a hard post for me, but I need to talk about it, if not to help me understand what I did, then to at least seek some sort of absolvent. I'll start by just saying what I did, without any emotion or explanation, other than what was felt during my actions. I can always try and analyze everything later. I've wondered before if other gay men thought I was attractive, and even more, if they would want to have sex with me, strictly based on my looks. So, having time to myself this week, I took some photos of myself. They started innocent enough. I chose a great outfit that emphasized my physique, set the lighting, set-up the camera, set the timer, and began taking pictures.

The first set looked pretty good, but I thought that maybe I could unbutton my shirt to show off the tan I have been working on. These photos turned out pretty good as well. However, since I was by myself, I thought it wouldn't hurt to take my shirt off for a couple of photos. Then, I thought, why not unbutton my jeans a little. Then, I had a great idea to use a wet, white shirt - make it a little more sexy. Besides, I didn't have to show these photos to anyone if I didn't want to. I was just having some fun. The wet shirt looked great - I'd never worn totally wet clothes, let alone a white shirt with no undershirt. These photos suprised me a little because they looked so good. Incredibly sexy. I started thinking hey, I could be a model. This was getting real fun.

Then, you probably guessed it, why not try some nude photos. First, I used a towel to cover myself a little. I tried holding the towel in front of me, just enough to cover the real private parts. Wow, these photos looked incredible. They looked nothing like the Forester I and everyone else knows. I had no idea I could look so hot. So, I'm sure you know what comes next - I lost the towel all together. Yep, full frontal. I tried a lot of poses. I was so suprised that I even knew how to pose. What was I doing? This couldn't be good. But I became so involved in the lighting, the poses, like I was photographing someone else. In some ways, it was very artistic.

I ended up with a lot of incredible photos. Now what to do with them. Having been in gay chat rooms before (a long time ago), I thought that this would be a good venue. I wouldn't find anyone on there that I really knew - and if I did, they were probably there for the same reasons. My intent was not to look for a hook-up or to have internet sex, but to just find out if anyone thought I was hot. I downloaded a few of the better photos. At first, I only posted the clothed photos and some of the shirtless ones and waited to see if I got any comments. First it was a slow trickle of "Hi" and "How are you?" responses, then I got some more. This was going pretty good. I kept my conversations simple and out of harms way - no talk of sex. I would ask what they thought of the photos - actually, I found that many would comment on the photos right off "Great photos", "Nice face", "hot chest". This was great. I was getting a lot of guys telling me how great I looked. They were good compliments, nothing overly raunchy, just very flattering. So, I upped the anty. My heart was racing. I was getting caught up in the moment. I posted a few of the wet shirt and towel photos. However, you had to open my profile in order to see these photos. To my amazement (really, I was quite amazed), I started getting so many hits for private chat requests that I couldn't respond to all of them. By now my ego was getting the best of me - so why not post the full nude photos. It was scary, yet so exciting. However, it was getting out of hand. I was getting requests for sex. "Why not come over tonight for a drink" "we can just talk" or "we don't have to do anything if you don't want to, but you're so hot".

Then, something kicked me (or so it felt like). I was alone, but I realized what I was doing. I quickly pulled the plug on the internet connection (I have wireless, so I had to get up and walk into the other room). Still alone - family out of town. I couldn't believe what I had done, but needless to say, I was quite aroused by it all. Masturbation followed, but at least I was off the internet. I didn't even look at any porn (I'm usually pretty good about that, most of the porn offends me). Of course, I was the porn for others. I think being the porn is worse than looking at porn - but at the time, it didn't seem as bad.

I erased all of the photos on the camera and on my computer (I just realized I didn't delete the photos on the chat room profile, I better go do that - or maybe I should stay away all together - but I need to delete them).

Saturday, July 05, 2008

My wife and kids are leaving town for a week, leaving me at home alone, open to my own devices. Without my family, I am not a very good person. I could never make it to heaven without them. I'm a little scared of what could happen while they are gone. Keep me in your prayers.
Since July 15, 2007