I'm coming off a two or three year battle with my testimony and have only recently begun to "see the light" again. I've had a lot of questions about my faith, my church and what it means to me. Do I really believe it? And if so, why? Especially in the face of being gay and married. How could I possibly believe in a church that does not accept my sexual orientation? Somewhat reluctantly, as I've done this soul searching, I've come to find that I still believe. I believe in the restored church of Jesus Christ as presented in the Mormon faith. It would be easier if I didn't believe anymore. That way, I could reconcile my sexual orientation with the teachings of the church. But, do I really need this reconciliation to continue believing?
Believing in the doctrines of the church is one thing. Living them is another. Do I continue to play this Jekyll and Hide game? Is this dual reality even compatible? Does coming out to my wife and family erase the duality and make things as one? For most of my life, there was no duality. I was always comfortable with myself, even when the church was teaching me that my sexual orientation was wrong. It never bothered me until the past few years - maybe as things became more serious with being married and having a family. Even when I dated throughout my teenage years and on to getting married. I never really questioned the incompatibilities. It all seemed to work just fine.
So where do I go from here? What does it really mean to be gay, married and an active, believing member of the Mormon faith? Will I ever be able to fully live the religion? Am I just maintaining a charade? It doesn't feel that way. This feels real, it feels like me. This is who I am. I'm not doing this to live up to somebody else's expectations. I'm doing this because it's what I want to do. I feel no anger at the church. I've had no bad experiences with respect to being gay and in the church, even when I've come out to church leaders and a few friends. It's all been positive. The difficulties I've had, as evident in my posts for the past few years, all have to do with me and my own inner reconciliation. I've been amazed at some of the things of done and some of the situations I've gotten myself into (see earlier posts). I'm guessing I'll probably end up having more of these outrageous moments (ie., posting naked pictures of myself on the internet, meeting guys while on business travel but never going through with anything, looking and masturbating at porn, etc.). I guess it won't be a problem to keep you all entertained (I know you wish you could have seen the internet picutures though). So, I'm still here, still blogging. I'll try and post more again.