Monday, May 21, 2007

I've been thinking seriously about posting my real name and a picture of myself on this blog, rather than using the name of Forester and a false picture. Part of me doesn't want to hide behind anonimity. I think it would help as a step toward the coming out. My wife still doesn't know about my attraction to men and I guess there is the possibility that someone I know will see my blog site. Would coming out this way place a limit on how truthful I am in my blogs? Probably, to some degree, but for the most part, I don't have a problem with others I know possibly reading this blog. I don't exactly use this blog as a personal journal, but I guess there is some information that is quite personal, especially my sexual preference for men. Why does anyone need to know something so private, and how is coming out this way really necessary in my acceptance of who I am and what I'm struggling with? If I reveal my name, I may be less likely to divulge some of the more intense sexual feelings and situations. For example, I may not want to create a post about an intense moment of physical passion in an hour of weakness.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I don't think I'm cut out for corporate America. I feel like I'm on the Apprentice every day. The competition is stiff and I just don't have the passion any more. I work for a huge consulting firm with offices all over the world. I love the firm, its goals, principles and reach, I just hate the work. I thought I could handle the stress and the pressure but I've found that I don't work well under pressure. I'm a very level headed person, but when it comes to crunch time, I find myself holding back and drowning in the chaos. I've also found that I can do lots of things but I really don't know anything. I just keep doing and hope that I will end up on top. I find myself hiding in my office, hoping I don't have to talk to anyone. The worst thing is that I have spent the last ten years educating myself and working my way up the ladder to find that I want off the ladder. If I could walk out the door today and never come back I would. I put out my resume on the web and have received multiple job offers, all doing the same thing. Why would I want to leave this job to start over again with another firm doing the same work? I'm trapped. I can't afford to start over again. I have a family to take care of. Where do I go from here? Is this where I'm destined to be the rest of my working life? There's plenty of opportunity for growth where I'm at, I just don't want to grow anymore - at least not in corporate America. I need out. I don't mind wearing a suit and tie every day, I just don't know the reason I'm wearing a suit and tie. My work life has little meaning to me. I enjoy the perks of working for the firm (being able to work from home, new laptop every two years, good pay, good pay increases, good health benefits, travel, etc.), but do the perks really make it worth feeling like another rat in the rat race? I don't like myself when I'm at work, I don't like what I've become and I don't like what I see for the future if I stay in this field of work. Whatever happened to be excited about the future? Am I going through a mid-life crisis? I have arrived, but I don't know where or why I have arrived.

Friday, May 11, 2007

A week ago I was listening to Dr. Laura on the radio and a woman called in asking if she should leave her husband because he was gay. They had children and the husband was begging her to not leave him. He hadn't been unfaithful to her but was having a difficult time with his attraction to men. The woman felt that it would be best to take the children and leave so that he could have some time alone to deal with his struggle. I was suprised when Dr. Laura told her not to leave her husband since he wanted to stay together and work things out. Dr. Laura felt it was worse to leave than to stay with a gay man. She said that once the children were grown, then they could decide if they wanted to stay together, but for the sake of saving the family, they should stay together for now. She told the woman to help her husband, stay by his side and stay committed to the vows they had made at marriage.

I was so impressed by her advice that I wrote an email to the show thanking her for sticking up for gay married men and their families. I told her a little about my own situation and how I am trying to do everything to stay faithful and that I would not be able to make it without the support of my wife. I also told her about our blogs (hope that was okay) and that there are many of us who are staying faithful against the odds. She immediately emailed back (during her show, not sure how she did that) asking for specific websites. I gave her mine.

I was so proud to have our struggle highlighted on national radio, with the support of a national figure. I don't always agree with what Dr. Laura says, but was very impressed with her advice to this woman.
Since July 15, 2007