I'm feeling so vulnerable right now, like the entire world is against me. In a way, my entire world is against me. My life revolves around my wife and family, church and work. Although I adore my wife, I feel like I can't be my entire self with her. I've tried on a few occasions to talk to her about my feelings and my situation, but it never falls on kind, receptive, non-judgemental ears. I can't say as I blame her, she has a lot at stake in the life that we have built over the years. Anything I say that may threaten this life, no matter how true, is met with resistance. I'm having a hard time knowing how to operate in this atmosphere, and so I typically end up not saying or doing anything externally, while internally I'm confronting all the issues of being gay, as well as my belief in the church. I feel like I'm in this vortex of conflict, and whenever there is a moment of calm, I begin to get out of this storm, only to be pushed back into the vortex. There is no perfect solution. Actually, there is not even a good solution.
I did get the opportunity today to have lunch with a good friend who understands what I'm going through. It was good to see his smile and get a hug.