I tried talking to my wife yesterday about me needing to take a step back from the church right now. She seemed frustrated and almost as though she didn't believe me, or that I could actually be saying something like that. She knows I've been struggling with participation in the church for years, so I was a little surprised by her reaction. Although, as I anticipated, she didn't want to talk about it. She complains about our lack of communication and then gets frustrated when I try to communicate. This is one of the reasons I have not told her about me being attracted to men.

It's interesting that, ever since I've allowed myself to actually doubt the veracity of the church, when I listen to talks and lessons in church, it's unbelievable what is being said. I've been seeing things from a whole new perspective. I never realized how many contradictions there are in church doctrine. Granted, the majority of what people say in church is not really doctrine, but instead their preception of doctrine. There are many beautiful concepts contained in the church doctrine, such as the promise of living forever, but there are many doctrines that even though they once seemed desirable, are no longer what I would want in an afterlife. Nor are the "blessings" saught after in this life that desirable as taught in the church. The things that most members of the church enjoy, I do not enjoy. I guess what I'm saying is that what the church has to offer, both in this life and the next is simply not desirable to me. What the church teaches as happiness, is not what makes me happy. This isn't to say that every doctrine and belief of the church does not make me happy.

I don't yet know to what extent I don't believe anymore. I don't feel that everything the church teaches is wrong. However, I'm allowing everything to be put on the table. I'm allowing myself to assess what I really believe and ask some difficult qusestions. And I'm doing it from a more open perspective.

It has been a little over a year since we moved back to Utah. The past year has been very interesting and I've come to learn a lot about myself. I didn't think I would ever "lose" my testimony of the church, but it's looking like I at least need a break to sort things out. I have had some incredible experiences in the church and have an enourmous amount of respect for the members of the church. I just feel like I'm not happy when I go to church. I feel so much better about myself when I don't go. I don't fully blame the church, I know a lot of it has to do with myself. There must be a happy medium somewhere. That's one of the hard things about the church. You're either in or your out, there is no room for someone in-between.

I had an incredible day yesterday with another MOHO. We took our kids to the park (without our wives) and just spent a couple of hours talking and laying out on the grass while watching our kids play. Neither one of us had alterior motives. We are both dedicated to our wives and trying to make things work. I rarely get the opportunity to just talk about my feelings and just be myself. Is it possible to have a close relationship with another gay guy without crossing any lines?  I guess it helps if you're not attracted to each other, or at least one of you isn't. This guy (you know who you are) is totally hot, both in his personality and looks (lethal combination). Luckily, I don't think he is attracted to me. However, I'm just glad to have the opportunity to get to know another MOHO and hopefully support each other. I look forward to continuing our friendship and making new gay friends.

Tonight is the MOHO party at the Nicholson's. I'm trying to figure out a way to go, but it's not looking very promising. I'm getting close to coming out to my wife, so I'm going to need all the support I can get. There is no way I can do this alone.

My life has taken an interesting turn over the past few months. I've begun to see some things more clearly, but I've also become more confused, frustrated, lonely and alienated. I've been coming out to more people and have met a few MOHOS from this blog world and others here in Salt Lake. I've also been connecting more with them on Facebook. Overall, it hasn't been that great of an experience (with a few exceptions). It's just made my life more complex and confusing. I'm not sure who to turn to and who to trust anymore. I know I haven't made the best effort to connect with others, but for me, just making the effort is a huge step. I know I offended a few of you with the over 40 only comment. There are actually many of you who I would like to meet who are over 40 (Beck and Bravone to name two).

Lately, (actually, for quite some time now) I've been struggling with the culture of the church. It really bothers me how many perceive what the church is and really have little clue of what it is. The teachings of the church have been so watered down over my lifetime that nobody addresses the tough issues anymore, and when they actually do, the conjecture, misunderstandings and sterilized knowledge of the doctrine totally turns me off. Nobody seems to question anything. How can anyone expect us to progress individually and as a church without taking a hard look at the way we do things. Lets get rid of the cultural "teachings" and focus on the real doctrine of the church. Lets stop focusing on numbers (do you do your hometeaching every month, we need six people to fulfill this assignment at the mill, at the temple), stop making the EQ the cheap labor. Why doesn't anyone pay for movers? It's really not that expensive. Forced service is not the way to go. Guilting us into doing things is not the way to go. Lets revamp the three hour block. Have you been to primary lately? It's not the primary I grew up with and the changes have not been for the better (most of the changes have been socially and culturally based, not doctrinally based). I could go on and on. I know that nobody is perfect and that most are doing their best. I don't necessarily blame individuals for the way things have gotten. I blame the culture.

It's not my intent to bash the church, just the opposite. I have an incredible testimony of Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, temple work, and all the other incredible things about the church. I just feel so alienated. I know a lot of it is my own fault, I admit that. But I'm tired of being judged because I don't do all, or even most of the things that others "think" I should be doing. Maybe it's just because I'm not a social person and the programs in the church all seem to be socially oriented. We have to participate in this, and participate in that. I would prefer to do things on my own. I know that most need these social aspects of the church, but for those of us who don't, it doesn't make us bad people. Social activities drain the hell out of me - including church Sunday meetings. I don't feel rejuvinated in the least. I'm made to feel guilty and not worthy. After teaching primary I feel totally wiped out (and not in a good way). Maybe I just need a break. I feel bad for those who have to do so much each Sunday (especially the Bishop and auxiliary leaders). I'm really beginning to question the whole lay leadership thing. I would like to go and be able to just sit and learn, feel at peace and focus without having to do anything. I know that contradicts what we have been taught in the church. We're supposed to serve each other and help each other. But there's got to be a better way.

So I know I haven't posted in forever and so much has been happening in my life that I've wanted to post, the only problem is I've been able to meet some of you who follow my blog since moving to Utah and I don't want to blog about these experiences if they might offend.  It's one thing exposing my private life, but it's another thing exposing somebody else.  I know I can change names, etc, but those who know me would know I'm talking about them, and although most of my comments would be good, I would still hold back some of my true feelings, making me not want to blog about it.  I've also become increasingly scared that someone I know will discover my blog and be able to connect the dots. I really admire those of you who have come out to your wives, families and friends, especially those of you who are open in your church wards.

Yesterday my wife told me that she had a dream that I didn't want to be with her any more.  She doesn't know that I'm gay, but it's obvious that she feels this disconnect between us, even though I am totally dedicated to her. I have enough problem trying to convince her that I love her without having the extra burden of having to prove myself to her if she knew I was gay. Those who I have come out to are usually totally surprised, although there have been a couple that said they knew. Usually these are gay friends who knew what to "watch" for and with whom I've already been able to make a connection. I've realized that I have this fundamental fear of people thinking or finding out that I'm gay. I would say at least 50% of the time, if not more, when I interact with straight guys, internally I keep telling myself that I hope they don't think I'm gay. It has become such a natural response to hide my attraction to guys in every social situation, with friends, family, ward members (especially ward members). Because of this, I tend to suppress everything about me, not just that I'm gay, but anything about me that may lead anyone to think I'm gay.  I find myself not wanting to be in social situations, not wanting to give responses in church classes, not wanting to share anything about myself with others.  Most the time, I don't even realize what I'm doing, it just comes so naturally now. Hiding my attraction to guys at all costs has been my reality for so many years. Now I find myself not knowing how to interact with people, having to second guess everything I do and say. Why do I live in this world of deception? I'm just too afraid to tell people I love, so I end up telling people I hardly know, like the guy who cuts my hair or somebody I've met on-line in my same situation. I thought I could live in this "secret" world without too many repercussions, but I'm finding there are many results that I never realized until now.

I think I'm ready to start meeting other Mohos in Salt Lake City, where I live now. If you're interested, let me know.  I would prefer to only meet guys under 40 - but I might make an exception. 

Two days without wearing my religious undergarments.  What an incredible feeling of freedom.  Due to a broken washing machine, we weren't able to get to our laundry until a few days after I ran out of clean garments (for those of you unfamiliar with these garments, pleas see this link: http://www.ldschurchtemples.com/mormon/underwear/).  I have a few pair of Hanes briefs that I use at the gym, so I ended up wearing them instead of garments for a couple days, just the briefs, no undershirt.  Aside from feeling a little colder, I felt so incredibly liberated and quite sexual.  I loved being able to unbutton an extra button on my shirt and let a little bit of chest show.  I loved the feeling of my clothes directly on my skin.

Having this rare opportunity, I decided to take advantage of it.  I decided to go to the mall and clothes shop.  First stop was Banana Republic.  I grabbed some clothes off the shelf and headed toward the changing rooms.  It was one of those changing rooms more open to the store and there were 3 cut guys working there.  One of them unlocked the door for me and said to let him know if I needed any additional sizes.  I stripped down to my Hanes and tried on a white shirt so thin that you could see my skin and a pair of slim pants.  I've recently lost 10 lbs and am down to a size 31 waist.  When I opened the door to ask the guy if I could get another size, there were two male employees hanging up clothes.  Both of them came over to me and commented on the fit of my clothes and made some suggestions on pant length.  The feeling of these two guys looking at me was so incredible.  I went back into the changing room and tried on a few more clothes.  When I came back out to ask them what they thought, another male employee had joined them.  There were now three guys helping me, getting clothes for me, asking me how things fit and just talking to me.  I loved being the center of attention.  I've never had that many guys waiting on me and checking me out all at the same time.

So I took things up a notch and left my door ajar as I changed into the next outfit.  I don't know for sure, but I think they could see me changing.  They weren't leering into the changing room, but I think they stole a glance or two as they were hanging up clothes and asking me how things fit.  One of them came to the door and asked if I needed any additional sizes.  I had a pair of jeans on but no shirt, so I opened the door and asked him for another pair of jeans.  When he came back, I had taken off the jeans and was just in my briefs.  He knocked and I opened the door, just long enough to take the new pair of jeans and say thanks.  I loved it when he smiled at me and said something like "nice undies".  I said thanks and quickly closed the door.  I got dressed into my own clothes and came back out.  If I could have, I would have stayed there another hour trying on clothes, letting the male employees gawk a little at me, but I had to get going.  I haven't been back since then, but look forward to the next time.

I'm curious to know if any of you think I crossed a line by doing this.  The situation was innocent enough.  A guy trying on clothes.  I was actually in need of new pants since I lost the weight, so I was there for a legitimate reason.  I didn't ask for a male employee to help me, that's just who happened to be there.  I guess I could have been a little more discrete while changing, but guys change in front of guys all the time.

I feel that my wife absolutely hates me (at least most of the time).  This is something that has happened slowly over the years.  I think most of the time she just tolerates me.  I feel bad that I'm not the person she thought I was (let alone being gay).  I think I let her down all the time with the minor things, so anything major, such as telling her I'm gay, would just cement her hatred.  However, I have to believe that in some way she still loves me.  If I said to her that I feel like she hates me, she would deny it - maybe acknowledge that she is often angry with me, but not hate me.  She has stuck with me for almost 15 years, so I must believe she is at least dedicated to our marriage.  But I wonder how much she does it out of commitment instead of love.  I wonder how much I do it out of commitment, not love.  I guess any relationship requires both.  Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to leave.  Lately, things have gotten much more complicated and I find myself doubting the path I have chosen.  There are times I feel like there is no solution and I wish I could just walk away from everything, or even end it all (as in ending my life).  I try not to go there too often. 

On a lighter note, I have a crush on a guy.  He is gay.  I've been trying to find ways of spending time with him, but haven't been too successful.  We went to lunch a few days ago and I had a great time.  I haven't told him I'm gay and he knows I'm married.  He wouldn't do anything to come between me and my relationship with my wife and family, but part of me wishes he would.  I've never had a close gay friend who knew I was gay.  It just seems too dangerous if I want to stay committed to my wife.  I wish we could just be close friends without having to worry about it.  Am I strong enough to have close gay friends and stay true to my wife, family and church?  I'm not worried about the friend, I'm worried about myself.  Maybe if I just told him the truth about being gay and told him I want to stay with my wife, we could develop a close friendship.  I just don't know if I trust myself.  I know that many of you married, gay men struggle with how, and if, to develop relationships with other gay men.  We need someone to confide in that understands and accepts us for who we are and it's hard to find this in a straight friend.