The other day a close friend, who has had trouble with relationships (twice divorced) asked me what it was like to really be in love. I told him that being in love with someone means that you would have a very difficult time living without them, that your life would be completely turned upside down if they left you and that you want to spend not only this life with them, but all eternity. For me, if I lost my wife through death or divorce, I would never recover from it and I would have little to live for that had real meaning, other than my children. If I lost both my wife and children, I don't think I could survive. Literally. Maybe that's why, when it really comes down to it, I have never been with another man, even with all the desire and close calls, I have always found a way out. I'm not saying that those who have fallen and been unfaithful to their spouse don't love them enough. We do stupid things in the heat of the moment and Satan has a way of clouding our judgement, even in the face of great love. But, for me, when I ask myself what love is, it means staying with my wife and family in the face of great odds. In the face of living a life of being attracted to the same sex and choosing a wife and family, as well as a religion that views homosexual acts (not desires) as a sin.

I love getting my hair cut, mostly because I crave the touch of another man. I don't even care that it's not a sexual touch, just an innocent touch, a closeness. It has little to do with any erotic thoughts, and instead, has to do with acceptance and love on a higher level. Getting my hair cut is one of the very few places I know of that I can go and be touched without feeling guilty, knowing that it's a "safe" touch. I'm not even attracted to the guy that cuts my hair, although I suspect he is gay.

Earlier today, I had another incidence of innocent touch where the guy helping me do something had to take my arm, hand and fingers and hold onto them for a good 20 minutes. It felt good - a warm fuzzy feeling, again not erotic. Both mine and his arms were bare, as we were both wearing short-sleeved shirts. He was focused on the work he was doing, intent on doing it right. I don't think he was aware of my focus on his touch. There was little conversation during our closeness (both of us total strangers). He made the comment that my hands were a little sweaty. I was nervous but he wasn't. This was part of his regular job. I wondered how many arms and hands he had held during his job...many I'm sure. Although I could tell that he didn't have to do this on a regular basis. I would disclose what it was we were doing, but it would give too much information about me. I know I have posted about touch a few times already, and some have said that there is no way that touch like this is not at least somewhat erotic. But, it's not. It's so much more than that.

Does anyone know if there is such a thing as an on-line LDS Bishop or other authority that you can anonymously write to? I've talked before to my previous bishops about my same gender attraction (SGA), but I'm not ready to come out to my current bishop. I would like to ask some questions about SGA and feelings of worthiness. Even though I accept that I am attracted to other men and that the attraction in and of itself does not constitute a sin, I still never feel very worthy. I know that it's impossible to be perfect and that everyone needs to continually repent, but at what point does the sin become too grievous? At what point do ecclesiastical leaders need to intervene? For the most part, I've reached an equilibrium or an acceptance for who I am and where I stand with SGA. However, there remains with me an amount of sin that I fail to overcome. For example, I tend to look at questionable images and video a couple of times a month (soft porn). Is this an addiction, and if so, how much of a problem is it with respect to my worthiness to take the sacrament, attend the temple, give blessings and participate in ordinances? Although I repent frequently through personal prayer and do feel some degree of forgiveness, I know that I am bound to repeat these sins, creating an almost endless cycle and continual feeling of unworthiness.

I went to a new doctor a few days ago for an exam. What is it about proximity and attraction? Part of the exam required that he lean close to me without touching me too much. Although he wasn't necessarily attractive, I found myself enjoying the closeness of the moment - and not necessarily in a sexual way. I don't know if he could feel it, but I could feel an energy between us, something that left me wanting to be close like that again. It seemed to me that he too was trying to be a little closer, within the bounds of keeping the exam professional and not wanting to make me feel uncomfortable in any way. Yes, he was examining me, but I have also felt this proximity thing on a number of occasions with other men in even less provocative situations. While at work last week, a male coworker, who I again don't really find attractive, leaned over my computer to show me something, leaving his bare upper arm (short-sleeved shirt), just above the elbow, directly in front of my face, within a couple of inches. Again there was this amazing energy that just seemed to melt me. I could have easily leaned in and kissed his bicep.

Without making this post too arousing, I'm trying to explain a phenomenon I have rarely experienced with women. There seems to be an invisible line, that once crossed, creates this incredible energy. For me, it seems to be somewhere between six to twelve inches. Once another body comes within or under this range, something ignites, even if I'm not that attracted to the person, and I don't mean this in just a sexual way, it's different, although it could lead to greater sexual arousal. It's almost like I'm starving for some sort of physical male contact or at least proximity. Typically, I like my space and don't like it when someone takes the seat directly next to me in a meeting or at a movie and I become very uncomfortable. But once in a while, the proximity "thing", for lack of a better word, produces an energy that is quite incredible.

What do you do when you have a crush on a guy? Do you try to get to know him and try everything you can to make him be your friend? I rarely get crushes, but this past week I haven't been able to get this guy off my mind! Not only does he look great, but he seems to have everything I've ever wanted in a guy (which is pretty hard to do since I'm really picky). Obviously, I can't have a romantic relationship because I'm married and want to remain married (and so is he), but I would settle for becoming close friends. But since I suck at making friends, I'm not sure what to do. He's in my elder's quorum and he is a doctor. He's a few years younger than me, so he hasn't been a doctor for very long. The great thing about the internet now is how much information is out there on people. I don't know this guy very well, he's pretty new in our ward, so my first action was to look him up on Facebook (no luck). Next, I searched his name and got a few hits. The best hit was a ton of photos of him that were taken by someone not in his immediate family. Of course, browsing through the photos, I found a couple of him swimming (shirtless of course) and he has a great body. But, like I said, I'm not going to focus on that. I just want to be his friend. I know it's not the most ethical thing to look up details and photos of someone online, but like I said, I suck at making friends - or even just talking to people I don't know. He's also very quiet, like I am, making things more difficult.

Making close friends in the church nowadays seems next to impossible if you're not serving in a calling with them. Most of our time is taken up by our family, our work and our callings. Most married guys don't tend to hang out with other guys. So how am I going to make this work? And, should I even be trying?

I wish that more straight Mormon guys would read our posts and comment. I, for one, could really use their input and would value their insight about our world of being gay, married and Mormon. I have a close friend who is Mormon and married but not active in the church. He knows that I struggle with SGA. Over the years, he has given me some good advice. He once said that it would be easier for him to live with another guy, even have a relationship with another guy (without the sex), than to live with his wife. He and I go shopping together, go to movies, have lunch, and just hang out every once in awhile. I admit that there have been times when I wanted to be closer to him - more intimate. And, there have been times, when one of us was down, that we have been able to hug. He feels that our relationship has helped me with my SGA in the sense that our relationship fills part of that void. And he is right. But it also hurts at times because I want to be closer and know that I can't. It doesn't help that he is really good looking with a great body. I've been thinking recently about asking him if I could come over and have him just hold me, but I'm worried about being rejected. I think if I persisted, explaining that i just really need someone to hold me right now, he would do it.

Does anyone have any knowledge/experience regarding the treatment of homosexual behavior as opposed to any type of promiscuous sex by the church? Is gay sex considered more of a sin than straight sex outside of marriage? I know that it is more culturally taboo, but is it also more serious doctrinally? Almost all straight men will admit that they are tempted by other women, but almost never does a gay man admit openly that he is attracted to men. Our lessons in church, both as youth and as adults talk openly about the evils of committing sins of a heterosexual nature, but it seems far less often that our lessons talk about sins of a homosexual nature. Again, only taboo, or is there something else doctrinally that says we shouldn't talk in open groups about being gay? Has anyone experienced any pressure from church leaders to not talk openly about being gay or about wanting to have sex with the same gender? And is the subject appropriate for all ages?