In looking back over the years, I realize I have done a lot of self-loathing. I think it's a common practice that many of us fall into and unfortunately makes our lives miserable. Sometimes we mistakenly believe, whether consciously or subconsciously, that it's the church's fault, and in some cases, it jsut may be the fault of some church leadership, locally or at a higher level. However, in looking at the teachings of the church, the actual doctrine, self-loathing is not part of the plan. In fact, the opposite is true. So why do I do it? Why do I allow myself to think that I am less worthy, less loved, less acceptable to God?
For me personally, there seems to be a constant feeling of being tarnished, that I will never be able to live up to the standards of the church. I worry that if I allow myself too much leeway, I'll be able to rationalize behavior that would lead me down paths I don't want to go. These are paths I don't want to pursue because I want to be with my wife and family more than I want to be with another man. I know that some of you have been able to embrace being gay (without acting on it) while maintaining a wife and family. Is this only possible by being totally out to our wives, family, friends and many others? Does my secrecy, by its nature, lend toward self-loathing? I have no acceptance from my wife, family and church because I have not allowed them the opportunity to accept me for who I am. By receiving this acceptance, or support, does it aleviate the self-loathing? I don't want to hate myself anymore because I am gay. Looking again at my past, I don't think this really became apparant in my life until after I was married and began having kids. Previously, I don't recall ever being down on myself because I was gay. I knew that I was accepted by God and I knew that He loved me. Why has this changed? I'm having a hard time overcoming this evil of self-loathing. Because that's exactly what it is. Self-loathing does not come from God, it comes from a being who wants me to "be miserable like unto himself".
A close friend of mine, who knows I have SGA, and who is pretty hot looking, happens to owe me a lot of money. So much money that there is no way he could pay me back within the next 20 years. He's been struggling with paying the bills and expressed a desire to settle our debt. As we were brainstorming about how to reduce the amount he owed, how much he could pay me monthly, or other ways to pay me back, he jokingly suggested that he knew of a way to pay me back by giving me what I've wanted for so long: to be with another man, in this case, him.
Believe me, there was a brief moment I actually considered his offer. A brief flash of excitement. But, it was only for a second. I knew there was no possible way of even entertaining this idea. My friendship to him, my devotion to my wife and family, the promises I have made to God, all mean more to me than a brief moment of desire, albeit a long awaited desire. Unlike some of you, I have never had the experience of actually being with another man sexually. Every now and then, sometimes more now than than, the desire is so strong (not just sexually, but also emotionally) and I come close to giving it all away for one chance to experience what I have wanted for so long.
We quickly moved on to another topic and didn't come back to talking about his debt to me. We parted ways and I haven't talked to him for a week. I know that I won't bring it back up again, but there is the possibility that he would and that he would make the same offer.