Thursday, December 31, 2009

I went to the doctor today for a routine blood test. Little did I know that I had been scheduled for a full work-up, including an EKG. Luckily I had showered, shaved, etc. because I hate removing my clothes for the nurses and doctors smelling/looking like I just rolled out of bed or just got back from the gym. You would think that they would have let me know when they called to confirm. I hate surprises, especially those of the naked kind (at least when I'm the one getting naked and nobody else is). I know that doctors say they don't care how the patient looks, but I just don't buy that. I think they can appreciate someone who has taken the time to be clean and pleasant. If I were a doctor or a nurse, I would appreciate a clean patient that is mostly in-shape and somewhat pleasant to look at and be around. But that's just me. Not that I'm the hottest guy in town, but I can hold my own.

But the real surprise was that I found out that my estrogen levels are really high and my testosterone is quite low. My doctor said that sometime between the ages of 35-45 this happens to all men. However, he was concerned that since I am relatively young (in my 30s), I may want to consider testosterone shots weekly, a topical gel containing testosterone or inserting pellets into my hip every six months that release testosterone slowly, as well as taking pills twice a week that lower estrogen. He said that low testosterone makes muscle build-up more difficult, lowers libido, makes you feel less energetic and more lethargic, and a host of other things, none of them severe. Before I left his office, he gave me a shot of testosterone to see if it makes any difference.

Having a lower libido makes things (sex in particular) more difficult with my wife, but maybe it could also help in curbing SGA, making it less likely that I will want to look at porn, etc.? I guess I'm worried that increasing my testosterone will make it more difficult for me to "be good" when it comes to my SGA. I kind of like the thought of low testosterone (except for the muscle-building thing). I've thought about asking my doctor about this. He is LDS and knows about my SGA (at least I told him a few years ago and I assume that he remembers - we never talk about it anymore). Have any of you guys been in this situation before?

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

So another day has come and nearly gone in the life of a gay married Mormon man. I've been rushing around doing last minute gift buying and getting things ready for the big day. I was at Best Buy today, searching for a video game my young son so desperately wants. I got a little side-tracked by the flat-panel televisions and how much the prices have dropped this year. While looking at one in particular, with not a gay thought in my head (which was incredible considering all the great looking guys out Christmas shopping), a cute guy comes up to me and asks if I worked at the Wynn Casino, stating that I looked like someone he had met there. I tell him no, that it must have been someone else. Instead of leaving, he states again that I look a lot like this other guy but then asks what I do for a living. I was wondering to myself if he had used a line on me to start a conversation. Being intrigued (because I have never been approached by another man) I told him what I did. He asked a couple of follow-up questions and I replied, all the while trying to determine if he was gay. I didn't get the gay vibe from him and thought maybe that I was making him uncomfortable by gazing into his incredible eyes while I talked. However, he approached me. I'm not very good at holding conversations with complete strangers and didn't even think to ask him any questions, especially since I couldn't stop thinking that maybe he was trying to hit on me, or at least make a new friend. Then suddenly, just as quick as he had approached me from nowhere, he said "good bye" or "see you later" or something a long those lines, and walked away, leaving me staring at a flat-screen t.v. that had once held my attention but now was nothing compared to the fantastic 90 seconds I had just had talking with this guy.

After that, I aimlessly walked around the store for another 10 minutes, wondering if this guy had tried to hit on me or was just being friendly. At some point in our quick conversation did he discover that he didn't really want to get to know me, even though I had looked like a good prospect? Did he realize that I might be gay and that he had accidentally given me a reason to want to talk to him, and then upon this realization he decided to end the conversation because he was straight? For a few brief moments, I was held captive and somewhat powerless. If he had asked if I wanted to go for coffee or get together sometime, would I have been able to say no thanks? Should I have tried to add more to the conversation to give me more time to find out if he was gay or just wanting to be friends or maybe both? I could use a good straight friend. Either way, I'm sad that I didn't respond quicker and find out more about him.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Ever so alone, I feel guilty for even participating in this blog world without my wife knowing. I know it's my own fault for not telling her, but I just can't. So the question is do I keep participating behind my wife's back, or stop this blog altogether. I rationalize that it's good for me to communicate with others in my same situation. I once took it one step further and met another gay Mormon man - not with bad intent. I just wanted to talk face-to-face. Although it was a good experience and I wish I could have developed that friendship, I had to tell him that we couldn't get together anymore, at least not until I told my wife. Having a blog is one thing, but there are times when it just doesn't suffice. I want to develop closer friendships with all of you. I have allowed some of you to join my Facebook site, opening the door a little wider. With this, you know my true identity, can seem pictures of me and my family and read about my real life. It scares me to have even made this move toward some of you. I have placed a lot of trust in you. But I long for friendships that go beyond this blog, or even Facebook.

So, the two questions I need help with are:

1. Should I keep this blog without telling my wife?

2. Should I restrict my actions and communication to this blog and not meet any other men in my same situation?
Since July 15, 2007