Friday, October 05, 2007

I really have nothing profound to say right now, but I wanted to just let everyone know how I'm doing. Things have been up and down the last few weeks. I had the opportunity to meet one of the mohos who blog in person for lunch and really enjoyed myself, apart from being very nervous. He was very nice and would make a good friend. I also had the opportunity to meet another blogging moho in person this week but turned him down. Basically, I don't think I can make friendships behind my wife's back. I still haven't told her about my feelings of SGA and still don't think I can right now. However, I regret not being able to make friends.

If I told my wife, would I then be able to meet other mohos? And if so, I would then have to tell her about this blog site because she would want to know how I met these guys. Would she want me to make friends on here? Would she want me to stop blogging? If I kept blogging with her knowledge, my blogs would change since they would no longer be anonymous. Would telling her mean the end of this blog site? I don't think I'm ready for a change of this magnitude, but if it meant that I could develop closer relationships with some of you then maybe it would be worth it. On the other hand, it could mean the end of blogging with all of you and never being able to meet you.

16 comments:

SSA said...

I think you should tell her.

santorio said...

i found out that an occasional contributor to these blogs will be in my town in a few weeks. at first i thought i should try to meet him, then realized that at some point it would involve some lapse of honesty with my wife. not a big lie, just a "oh i'm just going for a run" when in fact i'm going to meet x. i decided it just wasn't worth it.

which is too bad, i crave a friendship with a fellow moho, blogging just isn't enough

playasinmar said...

I don't mean to speak for Abelard or Kengo but if you do tell her, expect to let her freak out for about ten months before you can settle into a new, more honest, more open routine.

MoHoHawaii said...

If you want to keep things as they are, you can't tell her.

If you want things to change, talking about your SSA will start the process.

Either way, as you're finding, has tradeoffs.

GeckoMan said...

Forester, I have to agree with MohoHawaii's assessment. There are pros and cons to every decision, and it boils down to the direction and content you desire in your mortal life and relationships that which will help you make the right decision as to when you tell your wife. You cannot begin to span the eternities as companions without her someday understanding your vital sensitivities.

Forester said...

I know I should tell her, it's a matter of when. I just don't know if I'm in the best condition to tell her. I'm not ready to have her "freak out for ten months" as playa suggests. However, I think that maybe I'm just being too selfish, trying to protect myself when there are others who need my help, who could use my friendship.

I understand the need to be honest with my wife and the need for her to understand me and grow together, but I don't really have an inner need to tell her.

Esquire said...

I wholeheartedly agree with Geckoman- not just due to his ethereal perspective of how the eternities work- but because I was in your same shoes a year ago. I was in a happy marriage for the most part. We have two small children. Married for almost 6 years and I still hadn’t told her of my personal struggles with my attractions to other men. I knew how strong she was and wasn’t and had determined to “beat this on my own” since I “knew” she couldn’t handle the truth. However, something changed when I realized that she continually shared everything with me and I still hadn’t yet shared my whole self with her. It seemed so unfair to her in a way that our eternal relationship was being stifled because of my fear of being rejected by her.

The year that followed has been a roller-coaster ride. Neither of us were sure we were going to be able to keep it together. But so far, there’s hope. Where there was once a long tunnel of uncertainty with no light at the end of it- so much unknown- there is peace in staying the course. I can honestly say that there is significance in being true to yourself, true to your eternal companion, and true to your God. After that, little else matters. Wherever the chips fall, that is my lot- intended for me by God alone. How I fare in my trials will be a direct reflection of my commitment to love the Lord, my wife, my children, and myself.

When your heart is ready for the eternal blessings of love, peace, and security that the Lord intended celestial couples to experience, you’ll open the dialogue with your companion. No one but you can decide when your heart has had enough of wavering and doubting.

I pray for you to have strength until then, courage once the moment has come, and endurance to brave the ensuing trials. Who knows, but it may all be worth the struggle in the end.

J G-W said...

I couldn't even begin to advise you. This is so far from the set of struggles I have to work with. My personal bias is toward openness... Things just get too complicated for me otherwise. Maybe eventually that is where you will need to be too, but some revelations require time and care.

You can always pray for the Spirit to help lay the groundwork for greater openness. I (and I'm sure others) would be willing to pray with you for that, if you wanted. (Even without knowing you in person!)

greenhand said...

I think you should tell her as well. Although it would be tough, it's better to be honest. I enjoy reading your blogs! They have depth, and I like that! I'm anxious to see your next post.

GeckoMan said...

My drive to openness with my wife was partly self-serving. I was afraid that if I kept hiding my feelings and thoughts from her, that eventually I was at much greater risk for acting out in ways that would significantly injure me and her. The more I hold stuff in and don't act with faithfulness to her, the more inclined I am to go to porn or cruise or whatever, which is entirely not where I want to be when I'm sane and following the spirit.

John said...

Like some of the others above, I say not to tell her unless you are sure she could handle it.

gentlefriend said...

There is a difference between openness and honesty. You can be perfectly honest without being fully open. So, you are not dishonest by not telling her. There are probably other things that you are not fully open to her about because of your love for her.

I have seen marriages shattered by unnecessary openness. I have seen other marriages become closer through openness.

Trust the Spirit. He will guide you as to the right time. You may not have to do it alone. A good therapist or a good bishop may be able to assist you both if and when the time is right.

Beck said...

I would tell you to tell her as well, but only when you feel the overall need to do so, desiring her help to be with you, and knowing it is right for you to do so. I can't tell you when. I don't pretend to know you. I know when I told my wife, it was the hardest thing I ever did, and there have been long stretches of very painful moments since then - but the pain is different now. Before, we were drifting apart and I was allowing myself to become disconnected and I didn't care anymore about the relationship, physical, emotional, spiritual. I was losing her and all that we had achieved together because of my not being able to face this issue and denying it existed and not giving her a chance to have a say, or to choose whether to help me or leave.

In the end, she chose to stay, and though we are still very much pained at time, we are doing this through a bit more understanding, and she is CHOOSING to participate in the solution and helping me as I reconnect with her.

Do I tell her everything? Of course not... line upon line... this blog thing is still private (right or wrong) and will remain such until I have a handle on how I'm dealing with these things.

I'm praying for you, too!

Parallel Mormon said...

Forester:

First of all, thank you for having the courage to put your face on your words. It really helps to see the face of the brother who can bring such poignancy to our yearnings. I hear myself in your words. My testimony made me choose a wife and daughter, a decision that has been worth every hardship I have had to endure to attain and hold onto the relationships.

We are who we are, and we're drawn to men. I think that even as we follow the Gospel path and therefore avoid sex with men, kissing men, embracing men intimately, we still long for a connection with our gay brethren. I love K, my wife, but isn't it sad that I'm 42, young and moderately fit, and I do not have a single MoHo friend in person?

I sometimes wonder would it be a betrayal, would it be so bad, is it at all bad to want to have such a friend, to have such friends? Maybe the future of the MoHo world will be a gentle, nurturing Church policy towards SSA that allows us to be friends with each other, love each other as bossom buddies and brothers, not sexually, but in person nonetheless. Hang in there, my friend.

I'm hoping to post my picture in the near future. It would take enormous courage. Has anyone recognized you? If so, hopefully they realized the magnanimity of your soul.

Forester said...

I'm sorry to say that my picture is a fake. However I did choose a picture that looked mostly like myself and represents me quite well. So yes, I am really a coward in more ways than one.

draco said...

The longer you wait, the harder it will be. I think complete honesty is an implicit part of marriage. And in your case I think you should avoid meeting other mohos until your wife knows about it and approves of that contact. It sounds hackneyed to say, but one thing so easily leads to another, which would be tragic.

Since July 15, 2007