Typically, I don't write on this blog when things are going okay. There are days and weeks where thoughts of being gay have rare occasion to enter into my daily routine. For the most part, I live a heterosexual life, with the occasional gay moment. So, if you don't hear from me for awhile, most likely I haven't had any gay experiences to write about. Once in awhile I'll think, hey that guy is cute or I may have an inclination to look at gay material on the net. It always amazes me when feelings of same gender attraction hit hard. I seem to forget in-between "episodes" if that is what they can be called. It's the "episodes" that usually end up on my blog as an outlet to help me understand and to get support.
Not having had any "episodes" lately, I don't know what to write about. Are there any questions I could answer for anyone about my experience as a gay married Mormon, or any questions about me in general? Send them my way and I will try to be as open and honest as possible.
12 comments:
Forester,
You've done it now...Since you asked. As one married man to another. How do you stay focused on your wife? What do you do to build that relationship and keep her as a or the priority in your life? Have you been successful in helping her realize that she doesn't come second behind this issue? Or does she come first? I ask because I find other relationships threaten to lead me away from my center. Just wonder what others do to stay focused in the marriage.
You write of surges or episodes in your drives. Can you pin any trigger on what brings on the episodes? I'm not sure it's always the canned "HALT" answers. I think it is key to identify what feelings or fears lie below the triggers.
I'm glad to hear you are doing well. I have hesitated, but want to caution you on posting photos on the internet. I have a personal friend who suffered a great heart break because of where that lead him. Those are shark infested waters. You are too good a man to go there. Be careful you might find an offer too "good" to turn down. Think about what takes you there.
I appreciate your candor. I hope mine isn't too blunt.
Silver
Forester,
It is good to hear from you and understand why you haven't been posting. It is funny how you can come to care about someone reading about their lives, struggles and successes. I wrote on your July 9th blog a bit about myself. Reading your posts, I felt that I had come to know you and was worried about how close to the line you were. I obviously crossed the line and brought a lot of heartache to my wife and family.
Since I wrote on that blog, I have softened my heart and allowed the Lord to bless me with the spirit that I had been lacking. I have been reinstated in the Church and am at peace. I don't have answers to many of the questions about the Church that troubled me so much, but it doesn't seem to matter as much now. I realize that I can't intellectualize everything and that I can trust the feelings of the spirit.
I don't blog for the reason you stated that you blog occasionally. My "gayness" is not the defining element of my life. I am afraid my blog would be rather boring and uneventful. I am very grateful, however, that you and others have so generously shared your experiences. It has helped me to accept the goodness that comes from my gay nature. It has also helped me to deal with the difficulties that I face as a gay married man in the Church. I have learned so much from others' experiences. Thank you for being willing to share your strengths and weaknesses through your blog. It has blessed my life.
Bravone
I know that we don't know each other. But for me, I'm just really glad that you are happy with your life. I think it just gives me some hope that someday in the far distant future, I too can have a family and be happy.
You don't need to have major boytoy eruptions to blog. You don't need major drama either.
I've felt the same as well. At times when things are going well, it's hard to blog and people get worried that something is wrong.
We all like the drama, the ambulance-chasing, rubber-necking episodes in others' lives. Like you, I feel my life is pretty boring and find it amazing that anyone cares at all.
I hope you feel the desire of many to know you and what makes you you. Being real and being open about your marriage, the church, in between your "gay episodes" are still of value.
Silver, good question. First, I haven't told my wife about my SGA, so it's not an issue in our relationship - at least not on the surface. I must admit that it's so nice not to have to reassure her that she comes before my being gay. I personally think that our wives don't need to suffer by knowing that we have SGA. I have found little reason to tell her. In my situation, I have weighed the pros and cons of telling her and counseled with my bishop about telling her. Both my bishop and I feel it is not necessary to tell her. I used to want to tell her so that I wouldn't have to go it alone, but for me, it's easier going it alone. Telling her would only serve to hurt her and make things more difficult. For me, not telling her is the best way to handle the situation.
We do have our problems, some of which I can attribute to being gay. Right now, the biggest thing that comes between my wife and I are the kids. They take so much of our time and energy that there is little left for each other.
I love being with and doing things with my wife. We try to go out together once a week. Sometimes we have lunch together since the kids are in school. We also take a trip together every year. I've also found that it's important to touch often, give hugs, etc. Touch is such an important part of the relationship. I have to remind myself to touch her, even when I'm not feeling like it.
I have yet to find a trigger to when SGA hits hard. I don't know if it's simply biological or if it's also emotional. I try not to over-analyze my SGA. I don't have answers to why I am attracted to men and I don't need to know. There have been times when I have come close to hooking up with a guy, but when it comes down to it, I never do.
Bravone, I don't believe that you have little to say about your own situation. We all have a story to tell and I'm sure others would agree when I say that we would like to hear your own story. I think we don't realize how much our posts help each other and how much they have an impact on others. I'm glad that my posts have helped you. Thanks for worrying about me, it's always good to know someone cares and understands.
Some Like it Hot, yes, there is always hope, even when we feel like all hope is gone. Hope is what keeps us going. I would say that if you end up falling in love with a woman and find that you can be physically attracted to her in some way or on some level, then you should just follow your heart. Although I am attracted to men, I fell in love, and that was enough for me to get married. My love for my wife, coupled with my relationship with my Heavenly Father, makes it possible to stay married.
Beck, thanks for your advice and support. This blog is a catch 22. Posting about my experiences helps me to understand but it also places a focus on being gay - a focus that can lead the wrong way. But for the most part, reading other blogs and posting my own, strengthens my resolve to stay true to the promises I have made to my wife and God.
Wow, Forester. I just discovered your blog and don't know where to start. What a journey. So much I can identify with, there's not room to talk about it all. You may not feel particularly strong or courageous, but I think you are. Courage isn't not being afraid or uncertain, it's going on and doing what you know is right even when you are afraid or uncertain. I'm glad things are going well for you at the moment and hope it continues. While I'm not certain of lots of things, one thing I know for sure is that God loves each of us more than we can comprehend. I take great comfort from knowing that he knows all the righteous desires of our hearts, and I believe he will give them all to us in his own time if we try to stay faithful.
You invited readers to ask you questions, so I will ask one. Do you ever e-mail directly with blog readers or do you confine yourself to communicating through comments here? A couple of your posts have mentioned some professional things I wanted to ask you about directly (nothing salacious or anything like that, I promise). Whatever works for you.
You and your story are amazing. I have been following for a while now. I was about to get on the wrong path just now (stress at work) and said, I"ll check Forester first and if there is nothing new then I am going to go to, well, you know, find something else. You had this short post and I think it is a sign.
Now, time for Bones.
my wife and and i have had no direct conversations about my sexual orientation, but i think at some level she knows. she has a lot of health issues, and like any mother constantly frets about our kids. she doesn't need to worry about why i'm late at night. i know that sounds (and is) patronizing but once i open pandoras box i can't shut it again.
I wonder if you aren't really better off that she doesn't know. I told my wife too much and she will be forever broken because of that.
I advised Abelard to tell his wife and now I wonder if I should have.
These are difficult questions. It hurt my wife to the core to know this about me, but on the other hand it is so nice that she knows me for me.
I seek support from male friends who also are challenged with SSA. She now knows that and is supportive of my "guy time". It isn't sexual, it's legitimate fellowship and deep friendship. At times she is jealous of my time with them, but she welcomes it because she sees that it helps.
I sincerly hurt for you men who are essentially alone with this. My contact and loving fellowship with other men has really healed me in so many ways that I now cannot comprehend having continued without it.
I respect you choice and your kindness in sparing her feelings. I know what that is like and why you so choose, but I am sorry that that may leave you alone. I hope you find other men who will bless your life and walk with you. There are many like you, like me, who are willing.
Silver
Forester,
I have thought a lot about the decision to confide in our wives our ssa or other struggles we may have to deal with. Each of our circumstances is different, and we each must choose what we believe to be the best path of all involved. I was always afraid to hurt my wife or make her doubt our relationship or the church. I felt that I needed to be the strong one and tough things out alone. I finally came to the point where I realized that I could not make it alone, and that my secrecy was driving us apart. I realized that I was also using my silence as an excuse to continue my alcoholic addiction and my addictions to pornography and sometimes acting out on my ssa.
I began to realize that if she were truly my “help meet,” I should turn to her to help me. It was difficult to admit to her my problems. It did cause her heartache, but it draws us closer together as we work together to become an eternal couple. She knew something was wrong, she just didn’t know what and felt powerless to help. Now all I have to do is tell her I am having a rough day and she knows to console me. We don’t feel the need to go into every feeling I have, she simply knows that I need her to be strong for me and to love me.
I don’t pretend to understand your relationship with your wife or what the right course would be. I only suggest that for me it has made all the difference to have her involved in my struggles…..our struggles. She loves me unconditionally and knows that while I my own challenges, I also love her unconditionally. I know the Lord will help you make the decision that is appropriate for you.
Bravone “bra vo nay”
This is an interesting discussion.
I can see why a person might not want to destabilize the marriage by disclosing homosexuality to a straight spouse.
I can see why a person might want to name the elephant in the living room and speak frankly about the state of the relationship.
This is one of those things that can't be prescribed from the outside. What works for one couple may not work for another.
Good luck to you all.
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