Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Will I ever...and if so, which is more likely to happen?

Will I ever...

tell my wife that I am attracted to men

kiss a man

fall in love with a man

go "all the way" with a man

tell my children that I am attracted to men

leave my wife and family for a man

tell a close gay friend that I am gay

hook up with a guy from the internet

have a relationship with a man without the sex (and if so, is this wrong?)

pay to have sex with another man

tell my parents that I am attracted to men

lose my attraction for men

speak out in church about same gender attraction

feel totally worthy (or at least mostly worthy)

stop looking at porn.

To be totally honest, I don't think I will make it through this life without at least kissing another man, and possibly more. If I live to be 90, that leaves more than 50 years still to go. So, if this is the case, is it better to do it now, while I'm still young and attractive? I don't want to end up being the 60 year old guy who pays a young guy to have sex. To me, that is worse than finding a guy now that I could love for years. However, I would have to find a way to do it without having to leave my wife and kids. Could I live with myself for the rest of my life not telling anyone that I had been with another man? Maybe a kiss would be the easiest to condone. I would need to make it a kiss that is totally unattached romantically. I would be up front with the guy, saying that I only wanted a kiss to see what it is like, with no intention of going further. Is this just getting too close to the edge? What if I can't stop, or what if I really like it? I already know that I would like it, that seems obvious. And, knowing that anything further would ruin my life with my wife and kids, I could easily draw the line at a kiss.

I really think I'm going to do this. It will take some time to find the right guy. How do I find a guy that would understand and make sure that I didn't go any further? Maybe it should be someone in my same situation, or would it be better to do it with a guy that is a total stranger and already experienced. I would be interested to hear from those of you who have just kissed another guy and gone no further. Was it worth it? I'm not going to rush into this, so those of you who want to try and stop me, here's your chance, but you had better be very convincing.

22 comments:

BigRedHammer said...

Hey there, My name is Scott. I'm 30 years old and live in Salt Lake City. I'm gay and I've been with my boyfriend coming up on four years. I consider myself Mormon and and do love the Church. I think I've commented on your blog a few times.

I understand the fork in the road that you've come to even though I haven't been in the same position.

If my boyfriend wanted to kiss a girl because he had never done it, I think I would be okay with it. After all, I *know* he is gay, so it'd just be a curiosity thing. But you're different. It isn't just being curious. You are gay and you want fulfill a part of you that you have denied.

I warn you. Kissing or being touched by the gender you are attracted to is electric. As a gay man you could kiss the most attractive woman in the world, one every straight man would envy and then kiss a man that you find unattractive and very unappealing and that male-male kiss will still have that spark. It will still ignite something in you. You will want more.

You have all of those "will I evers" ahead of you and you will have them your entire life. Don't make "Will I ever cheat on my wife" one of them. You would turn dishonesty into infidelity. When you weigh the two options on a scale, the shame you think you'll have in telling her should not be more important than your honesty, your integrity, and your love for her.

If you want to kiss a man, fine. If you want to have sex with a man, fine. If you need to come out to your family, fine. But do it the right way. Talk to her, listen to her, your wife is meant to be there for you. Take the steps in the right order. Be a man.

El Genio said...

Forester,

While I believe you could easily draw the line at a kiss, the problem is that a kiss could be just as damaging to your marriage and children as anything else beyond that line.

playasinmar said...

C'mon, Forester. Have you ever eaten just one potato chip?

MoHoHawaii said...

Hmmm... I pretty much worked my way through your list and I'm still here to talk about it. :-)

(I didn't do three of the last four things on your list, thankfully.)

Let me say this carefully... I have no idea what you should do, and neither does anyone else. Whether you should hold your marriage together or come out or separate or whatever is a decision that you alone must own. It's a balancing act. How can the needs of all the parties involved be balanced? What are you capable of?

I will second the comment of BigRedHammer-- physical intimacy with your preferred gender is electric. I chose to remain faithful to my wife. It was only after the divorce that I had my first physical intimacy with another man. I currently live with my boyfriend and like it a lot. My kids are in their early 20s now and I think they turned out just fine.

Good luck.

Scott said...

So, just to make sure I understand what you're saying...

I'm pretty sure I can't make it another 50 years without any sort of physical intimacy with a man. Since I'm going to mess up eventually anyway, it's probably better to do it now, when someone would be interested in my hot body, than later, when all I would have to offer is my kindness, intellect, and personality.I'm also pretty sure I wouldn't be able to live with myself for 50 years if I had sex with a man and had to keep it a secret the rest of my life, but I could probably convince myself that a kiss is no big deal and handle that guilt. And since I know that anything more than that would ruin my life, I'm certain I'll be strong enough to stop at just a kiss.So I need to find someone who's willing to kiss me, knowing that it doesn't mean anything--that it's just an "experiment" for me. Any takers?Have I summed it up fairly accurately?

Forester, I know you don't know me, and I know that the few times I've commented on your blog I've probably been painfully annoying in my insistence that your wife deserves to know about you. Even though I don't necessarily agree with you, I've come to respect your decision to keep her in the dark, because you've convinced me that as long as you don't do anything to hurt her she doesn't (necessarily) need to know.

But now you're talking about hurting her. No matter how you slice it, kissing someone who isn't the person you're married to is a betrayal of the person you are married to--a violation of promises and covenants and of faith and trust.

If you honestly and truly believe that it will be impossible for you to make it the rest of your life without being physically intimate with a man, then I will be even more fervent in my insistence that your wife needs to know that you are gay. If this need is an "eventual" one, she may not need to know immediately, but if the need is pressing and urgent, she needs to know sooner than later.

I've been blessed with a wife who is understanding beyond what I could ever have reasonably expected. But as understanding as she is, I could not expect her to be understanding and forgiving if I went and kissed a guy behind her back. If I ever felt like I simply had to feel another man's lips on my own, the only possible course of action would be to discuss the need with her and figure out together how to address it in a way that she could be comfortable with (or at least as non-uncomfortable as possible).

In fact, I've discussed the idea with her just now, and she's let me know that she's not comfortable with the idea of me kissing a man, but she agrees that if I truly felt that I just had to do it, she would much rather I did it with her (grudging) approval than behind her back.

Scott (BigRedHammer) has it right. There's only one honest way to approach this, and that involves bringing your wife into the picture and allowing her to be a part of these decisions that will impact her life every bit as much as they will impact yours.

I know you love your wife. I know you're honest. I know you'll make the right choice.

Alan said...

I think the Scotts are right, bro. You have some decisions to make.

Forester said...

So, you guys are saying I should tell my wife and then kiss a guy if she is okay with it? That makes no sense. There has to be some latitude given to a gay married mormon. I'm not perfect and what you guys want me to do requires too much. I guess I'm not the honest, faithful guy you think I am or should be. I really don't think I would feel bad kissing a guy and never telling anyone about it. In fact, I don't think it would make me any less worthy than I already am. Let's face it, gay mormon men will never be as worthy as a straight mormon man can be. They get to have sex with the gender they prefer. Sure, they have to be faithful to their wives, but it's much easier when you can still have sex with your preferred gender.

I'm trying my best to live by what I believe is the right way but I'm just not that strong. So, I'm headed out to Barnes and Noble and meet some guys.

Sarah said...

ARGHHHHH!

Forester, the fact is that one thing leads to another and eventually the ones you love the most find out about it and then they also find out that it started with simple things that you did not tell them from the beginning.

If you want anything to do with guys right now, and yet you also want to keep your wife and family, YOU MUST DO THIS THE RIGHT WAY!

I'm sorry I am yelling. I should be more kind and compassionate toward your feelings right now, but I can't be, because all I can think about is your wife and everything she doesn't know. I have met enough/talked to enough struggling wives out there to know that it is much better for her to find out who you are attracted to now while there are no other issues than later when you meet the man you can't live without and have to tell her that you need a divorce because there is someone else.

It might just seem like a simple kiss to you, but in my heart I feel like it can never stay that simple once you get the ball rolling.

Please, for your wife's sake, take some time to think about this first. If you truly do love her or care about her at all, or if the marriage commitment you made to her means anything to you, you won't do this.

And if you really don't love her enough to stop and think first, then all the more reason to tell her now and get it over with before it becomes oh, so much worse!

(I just want to shake you or slap you right now, and I don't even know you, but on the other hand, big HUG for what you are going through. I'm sure it is agony! These guys that have commented here understand.)

Scott said...

Barnes & Noble? I had no idea that was the place to go if you wanted a non-committal make-out. :)

There has to be some latitude given to a gay married mormon.My position has absolutely nothing to do with the "mormon" part and everything to do with the "married" part. If you were single, no matter how Mormon you were I'd say "go kiss as many guys as you want".

But you're married, and you've made promises to your wife, and kissing a guy would violate those promises (and if you didn't believe that you wouldn't have blogged for people's opinions in the first place, I don't think).

I'm not saying you need your wife's "ok", but I am saying that she deserves to know what's going on.

Which is going to hurt her more?:

"Honey, I'm gay, and sometimes I really want to be with a guy. I've even considered kissing a guy to see what it feels like."

or...

"Honey, I'm gay, and I've been experimenting, and what started out as an innocent kiss got out of hand, and I've been having sex with other men."

You might be able to stop at a kiss... this time. And then you'll be satisfied for the rest of your life? Or will it only have whetted your appetite, and next time you'll want to go a little bit further?

If there's any chance that any experimentation will lead you to a place that will impact your marriage (and I think that any experimentation is going to carry that risk) she deserves to know what's going on.

Maybe she can help you figure out ways of dealing with the desires and urges. Or maybe she won't be able to help and you're correct about the inevitability of it all and coming clean with her will be the first step to an eventual divorce. But it will be an honest step, and the two of you can figure out where you're going together, which is better for both of you, and better for your kids.

If you honestly and truthfully believe that you can sneak one kiss and be satisfied with that for the rest of your life, and keep it secret without guilt, then maybe you're right--maybe it won't hurt anyone or anything, and you should be on your way to Barnes & Noble (?).

But if there's any doubt in your mind about any of the above, the only right thing to do is to talk to your wife.

Crisco said...

Life is all about choices. When you marry, you commit to that person. It's not an easy choice or obligation. Those of use who also are sexually attracted to men but married to women may not be satisfied entirely physically. I too have my fantasies about being with another man or even just trying a kiss like you are planning. Right now, that's not part of my plan. I'm married and am helping raise four wonderful kids. I like coming home to them every day. I enjoy being married. I entered into my marriage wanting it to last. I still do. Sure, I've learned some things about myself that make marriage sometimes difficult though I still haven't changed in my desire to be with my wife and kids for along time to come.
I need to make choices that help my stay loyal to that commitment I made. I totally understand that you want to know if you'd even like kissing a guy. I wonder too. If you were straight, your wife wouldn't want you kissing other women just to see if you'd like kissing another woman. Straight guys struggle too with sexual compatibility, wanting variety, seeing their wives age quickly due to children and then seeing a hot 20 to 25 year old walk by. No matter one's sexual orientation, sometimes fidelity is tough. Be careful.
Now I'm not saying you can't have any physical intimacy with other men. Kiss a fried on the cheek or give him a long, lasting hug. Our society, which seems to sexualize everything, discourages touch between men unless your sexually attracted to the other guy.
So, set your boundaries with other people. You are married and committed to your wife. Lip on lip action is romantic. Your wife won't appreciate you doing that with any person, male or female. If you decide to end the marriage, then go for it. Explore your options, but not while you're married.
Sorry, I don't mean to sound preachy, but I'm a firm believer in being commited in marriage. I'm 100% positive that I'm not the best communicator, lover, or husband that my wife could have picked. But we have each other, and that's a great thing. We have some great kids. These things are worth the commitment. Sure, I'd love that "electric" kiss with a guy. I can't describe my relationship with my wife as physically "electric," but my heart is full of love when I think about her. It's not worth the risk of losing her to go over my boundaries.
That being said, I too have looked at porn and it eats at me that I ever did that. But I only got to that point because I never set boundaries in that regard--I only told myself at an early age not to seek out naked pictures of women, and I didn't. It took awhile but I eventually convinced myself at one point that looking at other guys was okay. I'm working on that.
When it comes to other people, I don't mess around. If I didn't have these boundaries, I don't know where I'd be today, but not happy.
On a lighter note, sometimes it just helps to think about old men and old women. Which would I rather be around when I'm old? Definitely the women. I love the song that Adam Sandler sings to Drew Barrymore at the end of Wedding Singer about how he wants to grow old with her. That's the kind of love that endures.
I don't know if I just wrote anything helpful for you or not. I'm not going to pretend that I know exactly how you are feeling. I'm not you, but I care. I hope you find a way to achieve what you most want in this life and find joy in doing so.

Bravone said...

Wow! Rarely have I seen such unvarnished advice as I have on this post Forester. I agree with so much of what has been said.

Having done what you are proposing to do and more, I can promise you a few things. One, you will love kissing another man. It is as electrifying as has been mentioned. Two, you will want more, which will also be wonderful. Three, you will NEVER be happy living a double life. Four, if you intend on remaining married and actively involved in you children's life, it is not worth it. Five, there is repentance, but the hurt caused to your own spirit, your wife and family is not worth it.

I posted this earlier today on North Star, and believe it applies here. "Trust me, you are not alone in this. Most of us have moments, even prolonged periods of time when we are weakened and more vulnerable than we would wish to be. When this happens in my life, I need to sit back and analyze why the pressure is so intense. Usually it is because of two or three things that I have power to change. BALANCE. When my life is out of balance, all my attractions and addictions seem magnified. I have to have a pretty fixed daily schedule to assure I stay in balance. I get up while the house is quiet an study the gospel (scriptures, Ensign, Sunday School & Priesthood lessons, etc) After work, I come home and workout for an hour or two, alternating biking with lifting. I also need appropriate male interaction. I get this from attending a support group in our area, going to the Matis or Logan firesides when possible, texting, calling, or blogging friends. REPENTANCE When I allow myself to languish in sin, it is much easier to digress rather than make spiritual progress. It can be embarrassing to confess when necessary, but it is such a relief to be on the path again that it is worth it. The Lord said, as oft as my people repent, I will forgive them. He knows we will need to avail ourselves of his atoning power often. HONESTY & TRANSPARENCY I need to be held accountable to my wife. She knows that I love her and choose to be with her. We have an agreement. I will be totally honest and open with her and she will not freak out when I make mistakes. I asked her to ask me every night how I did that day. Knowing that I can be honest with her and that she will be holding me accountable has really helped me to stay the course. I can also call her and a circle of friends when the pressure to succumb to an addiction or ssa become intense. Sometimes just hearing a voice or receiving an encouraging text is all I need to make it through the tough times.

I am not always successful in these three areas. When I make mistakes, I am getting better at not beating myself up too much. It is a process. It takes time, and over time, I hope to become stronger. I hope you might find something helpful in some of what I have said. Good luck Forester. You can absolutely be the man and husband you want to be.

NancyB said...

I don't know if you can be honest...but I can. I have worked with, supported and loved my husband for years after finding out he was a homosexual, mormon man...or at least he believes he is. I put my heart and soul into our relationship and working through this WITH him. He finally met the man of his dreams...he went weak in the knees...kissed this man and then proceeded to have a long affair with him, evening bringing this relationship to our home, to our bed. There isn't a deeper betrayal then that. My husband didn't even crave a kiss. He craved rubbing a mans chest. If you think you can kiss a guy and be fine and stop and be satified with that you are kidding yourself. YOU ARE A FOOL TO EVEN THINK IT!! You will NOT be worthy if you do so! You are being deeply deceived by the adversary, the Father of ALL lies!! My supposedly loving husband, put me at risk for HIV and 26 sexually transmitted diseases...yes, there are 26. I had to go lay on a table for a vaginal exam and then have 3 viles of blood taken from my arm. So far I am clean, but I have to be tested again in 6 months. A man who "loves" me risks my health in this way...I don't think so. I cried openly through the entire Dr. appt. I cannot express in words the devastation this has had on me personally, and my children. I wish you could see the pain in my childrens faces over the last couple of months or watch me hold my children as they cry themselves to sleep. I hope you really think your kiss is worth it. My husband was excommunicated. I am filing for divorce and most likely Bankruptcy. We are ruined!! I watch my children and there is so much pain!!! I wonder what permanent damage this is this doing to them...I can only watch and pray, I have no power to stop their pain. I am in hell!! There is no greater hell for a mother then to watch her children suffer and be helpless and powerless to stop or ease their pain. The adversary promised he would reign with blood and horror on this earth...this is the horror! A dear friend of mine just lost her spouse to cancer...it has been a nightmare for her and her children, but she looked me in the eyes and said, "I wouldn't trade you for one second. This is so much easier then what you are enduring." My husband kissing another man was a MAJOR betrayal. The betrayals just became more serious and more damaging. The Lord doesn't have special rules just for gay mormon men. Lies...you are telling yourself lies and believing them. The adversary mocks you!!! You have said so many things, just like my husband use to say. You are betraying your wife now with the thoughts you are having. If you don't plan on keeping the promises and covenants you made to her and the Lord, then at least have the guts to protect her life. The life of the mother of your children. Be honest with her!! This will change the agreement you made with her and she has every right to choose where she goes and what she does after you are honest...can you be honest?...or are there special rules for gay mormons about that too. I am warning you...the adversary has you wrapped around his finger. He is bent on your destruction and devastating your family. If you truly love your wife and kids quit trying to fight the monster of homosexualality. It is a beast that will devour all in its path. Get as far away from the monster as possible. I will pray for the safety of your wife and children. I will pray that your wife will never cry, weep, grieve and mourn the way I have. I will pray that the looks I have witnessed on my children's faces are never found on the faces of your children. If you move forward with surrounding yourself with men like you, blogging with men like you, reading books, attending support groups...all for men like you...the adversary will win and as soon as he does he will leave you unsupported and he will laugh at the suffering of you, your wife and children. How do I know this...I hear him laughing at us now.
There is light for me and my children at the end of the divorce tunnel. I can't even begin to think about any attempts to reconcile with my spouse...it is too dark and horrible there. I gave it my all and then some...and it didn't matter one bit. I pray you will heed the warning of someone who knows this pit of despair. Work on your marriage with your WIFE not with gay men. Change your focus. Stop thinking only of you. This whole focus on you and your needs is so SELFISH. Find help through church channels. We trusted in the arm of the flesh...and it was a trap.
I pray you learn from what I have said and that you don't repeat this story of destruction and unhappiness.

santorio said...

well, i'm sixty and i can't image paying a young hunk to have sex for all kind of reasons, but i still have images of gay sex that come in and out of my mind. it gets less as the testosterone levels decrease and some day it may stop. but not yet.

a young hulk, no, but what if a new neighbor or work colleague made a pass at me. what would I do? dunno.

and would i be more or less likely to respond if my wife knew i was gay (well actually she knows, she just know that she knows)? well, based on moho stories, there is no clear answer to this

Scott said...

@NancyB: I'm so sorry to hear about what you've gone through (and are going through) with your husband. I can't pretend to understand the pain and betrayal you must feel, and it's brave of you to share your experience in the hopes of saving others from similar.

I do have one minor quibble with one thing you wrote, though... You said:

If you move forward with surrounding yourself with men like you, blogging with men like you, reading books, attending support groups...all for men like you...the adversary will win and as soon as he does he will leave you unsupported and he will laugh at the suffering of you, your wife and children.I understand that your own experience might lead you to feel like any interaction with others "like us" might be harmful, but I don't believe this is the case. I've found many wonderful and supportive friends through blogs, etc., who have been nothing but a positive influence in my life. I think that the several replies on this post urging honesty and fidelity are evidence that this blog community is not a tool of the devil. Your husband's choices were his own, and blame can't be scattered wholesale on the company he kept or the groups he looked to for support.

I pray for the Spirit to be with you as you go through this nightmare, that you will be able to emerge from it free of sorrow and bitterness. I also pray to offer gratitude for the support and friendship that I have received from other men "like me"--they have been a great blessing in my life.

NancyB said...

Scott -

I understand your perspective. My husband I am sure believes the same. He met some very good, sincere men who struggle with this issue. I think my husband, for a long time, was one of those good sincere men...many other wives always felt my husband was a safe friend...my point was that it shouldn't be the ENTIRE FOCUS...as it became for my husband...and I have seen it happen often. My husband became more and more distant with me and our children and his obsession became the groups, blogging, emails, phone calls. I was not at all a priority for him. That is what I am warning about. I also thought it was all helping so I didn't want to push him to calm it down...he told me it was helping...he believed it was helping. But a marriage can't be healed by only working with men who struggle in the same way. You have to do some pretty serious work on your marriage...WITH YOUR WIFE. That is my warning. One therapist we saw said that he felt men who struggle with this really struggle with an obsessive compulsive disorder and in their search for answers...this is one, and they become fixated on it. I don't know if that is true or not. I know my husband was FIXATED on it. I don't have the answers as to why men and women struggle with this, but my husband did become obsessed with what he felt was the cure...and it destroyed us. I am not blaming the groups...but his obsession with the groups lead us to where we are today. My husband did make his choices...but looking back (which always seems clearer) there are things I would have liked to change. Although, even if I had tried I wouldn't have been listened to. He always thought he knew the best way to deal with this. He was always letting me know how great he was doing, how much help everyone was...and I believed him. I hope you understand where I am coming from. I think it is so easy to cross boundaries...especially when one has convinced themselves that it is fixing the problem. I wish you all the best of luck. This is not easy.

Thank you for your kind thoughts...my only intention was to stop this unbelievable pain from happening to another wife and more children. I read his thinking and it was like listening to my husband.

One other thought I forgot to share is the fight you all seem to wage for the right to have your needs met. I don't think that is what this life is about. This life is a test. I have needs now that are not being met...doesn't mean I will just go find a way to get them met anyway I please. I often think of all of the single Mormon women who have never had a chance to marry or bear children. Bearing children is such a natural drive and desire for most women. Yet, righteous mormon women don't go sleep around to meet this god-given righteous desire...they wait. So many of them wait through an entire lifetime and focus on serving others, callings in the church etc... The purpose of this life is to learn to control the natural man...not attempt to satify it's every whim or desire. In General Conference one of the speakers (can't remember right now) talked about the natural man and said that the natural man's needs and wants and appetites are insatiable. There is no way to ever completely satify the natural man. I believe this to be so true. I pray that all who struggle with this may realize what this earth life is really about...the test we are each really taking.

MoHoHawaii said...

I appreciate NancyB's comments. Her heartrending circumstances are a cautionary tale for gay men married to women as well as for anyone (straight or gay) who might be contemplating entering into mixed-orientation marriage.

The reality of life is that there are times when two people who shouldn't be married, for whatever reason, get married. Profound incompatibility of sexual orientation can sometimes (I don't claim always) be such a case. It can be better for the people involved to separate even though the process is painful. There are many factors to consider before taking this step, such as the age of the spouses, the length of the marriage, children, financial considerations, etc.

When two people decide that they need to end their marriage it's possible have a good divorce. Bad marriages don't always mean bad divorces. It doesn't have to be a case of perpetrator and victim, or the epic struggle of good versus evil. (In fact, such a view can be quite harmful.) Ideally, there should be room for compassion and understanding on all sides.

A good divorce includes good communication, a commitment on both sides to working through the process fairly and with respect for the other person, cooperation about childraising, and in general having respect for each other's needs and perspectives. Good divorces need trust.

You can see where I'm going with this. After reading NancyB's comments I am very glad that my ex-wife and I did not have extramarital relationships to deal with on top of everything else. These would have completely sabotaged us. Trust would have been destroyed, just when we needed it the most.

My ex-wife and I did well. She was able to find a second husband much better suited to her. We raised the kids (and they turned out great, if I do say so myself). It took a lot of work, but in retrospect we all feel it was the right way to go.

Going back to Forester's original post, I have no idea what the state of Forester's marriage might be. I wish him and his wife the best and want to accord them the privacy and dignity they deserve as they work through the issues. It's not easy, and there are no pat answers.

santorio said...

MHH: i'm trying to imagine at what point in the past my wife and i could have had a "good divorce." its like an einstein thought experiment--two trains passing; so many factors and what ifs. but once i start to think about it,

NancyB: i didn't entirely read your comment until i wrote mine, which seem flip and serve as fitting examples of the gay self-absorption you describe. i apologize

Forrester: kissing (or whatever) a guy you don't have an emotional relationship with is like masturbation, feels good at the time, but leaves you with a hollow feeling. kissing someone you love or aspire to love can't be done while you are still married. both of your partners deserve better than that. so, in or out, make up your mind; can't have it both ways.

Forester said...

I appreciate everyone's love and concern for mine and my family's well-being. I didn't think anyone really cared that much about me and my family. This is such an overwhelming situation at times that I just need to take one day at a time. Thanks for knocking the sense back into me.

Alan said...

Glad you have come up for a breath of air, Forester. We really do care that much.

The lunch invitation stands. LMK when you will be ready to actually meet a fellow traveler face to face (and get some free food). It has made a huge difference for me to actually meet others and I think it would for you too.

Beck said...

Forester, I am playing catch-up with these comments, but seeing that I have had the same exact thoughts and feelings and desires to meet a guy and know what it is like to kiss him, I feel that all of these comments have been directed specifically to ME instead of to you.

Thank you for making this dialog possibile by posing the question in the first place.

As for Sarah and NancyB, they are right on! And you know it and can see it. Nancy is a huge wake-up call for all of us married guys here who think we can have it both ways. We can't... at least not the way we're going about it. It won't work. It isn't right.

I think of Nancy's husband and "there but for the grace of God go I" crosses my lips. I could be there in the same situation. So could you. It isn't worth it - especially in the way that you and I have desired it. There is a right way and this isn't it.

And to think I was going to go to Barnes and Noble this afternoon! :)

Here's a slap in the head from a fellow wonderer!

A CROW'S VIEW said...

This will probably be one of the few times that I'll ever agree 100 percent with what Scott say, I do (the second Scott that commented).

As far as I see it, unfaithfulness is unfaithfulness. Just because you want to do something doesn't make it right. I don't mean to get all Dr. Laura on you, but cheating with a guy is just as bad as cheating with a girl.

Normally I really like what you post and it makes me think. But I don't really get how you can justify being unfaithful to your wife, even if it is just kissing. And yes I will even to hazard to agree with the first Scott on this one, once you spark the fire its hard to not let it burn.

Remember that if you are sealed to your wife you made very sacred covenants to be faithful to one another. This means sometimes not doing what you want. Think about it this way, should a guy that's attracted to his secretary cheat with her just because he wants to one time? Ok maybe not have sex, just make out? Think about that.

I know in your heart you know what's right.

Anonymous said...

Tell your wife. Hopefully you aren't still going to the temple because I feel like since you don't like wearing your garments (stating you felt free) and you have all these temptations, just tell her. I would rather have my husband tell me than get to heaven and realize the man I made covenants with wasn't really what I thought he was. I would be better off personally. And I think you as well. I have nothing against this SSA but I feel like you should just be open and be yourself because obviously you aren't happy. Good luck

Since July 15, 2007