Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Ever so alone, I feel guilty for even participating in this blog world without my wife knowing. I know it's my own fault for not telling her, but I just can't. So the question is do I keep participating behind my wife's back, or stop this blog altogether. I rationalize that it's good for me to communicate with others in my same situation. I once took it one step further and met another gay Mormon man - not with bad intent. I just wanted to talk face-to-face. Although it was a good experience and I wish I could have developed that friendship, I had to tell him that we couldn't get together anymore, at least not until I told my wife. Having a blog is one thing, but there are times when it just doesn't suffice. I want to develop closer friendships with all of you. I have allowed some of you to join my Facebook site, opening the door a little wider. With this, you know my true identity, can seem pictures of me and my family and read about my real life. It scares me to have even made this move toward some of you. I have placed a lot of trust in you. But I long for friendships that go beyond this blog, or even Facebook.

So, the two questions I need help with are:

1. Should I keep this blog without telling my wife?

2. Should I restrict my actions and communication to this blog and not meet any other men in my same situation?


BigRedHammer said...

1. You should tell your wife.

2. You should not meet other men without your wife knowing.

And adding my own:

3. Remember, this isn't just one-sided. When you create friendships with people, (live, through blogging, chatting, facebook, etc.) they begin to care about you. When you tell them, "We can't meet anymore because I'm ashamed or dishonest," you hurt them. Every closeted guy does it and I guess we should just get used to it because it won't change.

Most often the closeted guy is only thinking about his hurt and his own feelings and never realizes his pulling away or disappearing hurts others too. But hey, they're only internet people... they aren't real.

That being said, I don't know you at all and so if you quit blogging it doesn't hurt me. But I am quite sure that it will hurt others.

Silus Grok said...

Big Red Hammer nailed it exactly.

Man up … and stick around; we grown accustomed to your [face].

Alan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alan said...

Big Red Hammer is absolutely right. If you stop blogging, I will miss you a lot.

And I want a FB friend invitation.

Abelard Enigma said...

You have your reasons for not telling your wife of your same sex attractions. I don't understand your reasons but I do respect your decision to keep it that way for the time being.

I don't have an answer for #1. As others have stated, your voice will be missed if you decide to stop blogging. And, presumably, you gain some benefit from it as well. At the very least, it may help keep you sane while dealing with the challenge of a mixed orientation marriage where you are the only one aware of the mixed part.

But, for #2, I think, most definitely, you should avoid meeting other people while keeping your wife in the dark. While I too would be honored to be your facebook friend - I think there too you need to be careful. I remember last year in the weeks leading up to the election, several of my MoHo facebook friends changed their profile picture to a "marriage equality" banner. That could have been very awkward if my wife wasn't 'in the know' about my attractions and didn't know that a lot of my facebook friends are gay.

Robert said...

Here's the deal, you've got to do whatever is going to keep you healthiest. There's no un-telling your wife. So, don't do it because others encouraged you to. In fact, you and your health should be the only considerations. Now, that's not meant selfishly. You value your wife and family very highly. Because of this, they and their emotional well-being are going to weigh in very heavily in considering what to do. DON'T let anybody influence which decision you make. Consideration for yourself, your wife, and your family should be the only influences on this decision. While I'm glad that I came out to some people, I gravely regret coming out to some others. I don't know if I'll ever get some of my family back. At the present, I've lost some of the most valuable people in my life and there's nothing I can do to fix it - I can't un-tell them. So, think carefully. Will telling your wife help your relationship? Or will it harm it? Will meeting other moho's make you think about being gay more? Will developing deeper relationships with them make it harder to have a deep relationship with your wife? Will it increase the significance of your ssa in your life? Take it easy and I would think that you might want to refrain from doing anything unless you feel totally at peace that it's the right thing to do. You'll be stressed or anxious about actually doing it, but you can feel total peace about knowing that it's the right thing to do.

Anyways, just a couple thoughts. Good luck with finding the right choice. You're loved and supported by many of us. Remember that. :)

playasinmar said...

Go do the thing that will make you happy!

Not the thing others tell you will make you happy.

Do the thing you know will make you happy. The thing you've always wanted. The thing everyone tells you is rash and unacceptable.

Buy a sports car.

File this one under: Occam's Razor.

Bravone said...

Amen to what Robert said. I you are comfortable visiting more about my thoughts, you know where to find me. Good luck in your journey.

The Wife said...

As a wife who was once not aware of hubby's gayness (just a year ago), I can tell you that it is better for me to know than to be in the dark. For so many years, I knew something was off in our marriage, but I put the blame on me. And hubby, while trying to live a double-life, also put the blame on me trying to keep that part covered and hidden. Nothing is a secret anymore, and our lines of communication have never been better. So for a wife's perspective, although it is difficult, we are now in a more healthy place than ever before.

Beck said...

Forester, I have most definitely been through what you are going through. I was scared to death of telling my wife about my blog and about my secret meetings with other MOHOs in this community. It ate at me and destroyed me to the point that I couldn't live with myself any longer.

I had allowed my blog to be too important and I was spending hours within this community and making friends - real people, not just Internet throw-aways as BigRedHammer implies - and it became obvious that I was not going to be able to live the double life anymore. I couldn't do the secret dates or lunches. I couldn't blog knowing she was wondering what I was doing. The guilt and dishonesty was taking away any sense of peace these relationships were giving me.

I decided to tell my wife everything. I decided to tell her about my blog, my chat friends, and my date-bromances. I didn't, however, want to open up my blog to her. I didn't want the blog to become sterilized and not serve the therapeutic value that it had served me in being able to express thoughts and feelings that I didn't want her to necessarily read.

So, there was another choice for me. I went private with my blog. Anyone is still invited to read it, but it just isn't open to the general cyberspace at large. I told her everything and it was very hard for a time, but then it got better. There was increased trust and better communication and understanding, and a rediscovery of each other in our marriage. I was now more open to her and she was at least understanding of where I was coming from.

She knows that I blog. She knows that I chat. But, I have told her that I will not meet with other MOHOs without letting her know first, and she has begun to trust me again. And, to date, she has not asked to read my blog (so maybe I didn't need to go private as it has removed me from this community and now I'm a "has been" or a "forgotten blogger" and that is fine...) the end result is still the same - it was a good thing to do that you might consider as another alternate.

Been where you are. My thoughts are with you, my friend.

J G-W said...

When you're ready, you'll tell her.

I do think you owe both to her and to yourself to find some way to become completely honest with her about this stuff.

Anonymous said...

I decided to end my blog a few weeks ago because it seemed important to minimize the secrets between us, even though of course the BIG secret would remain.

I think I have enough half-formed thoughts to make it through the year, then I'll sign off. Besides ending this secret, it will also help me focus on my non-gay life; I recently started two other blogs (on my work and on cycling) that I share with wife and kids, and I have other projects as well.

I'll not only end my blog, I'll also stop reading others; it's a package deal.

GeckoMan said...

I can't add to what has already been said, but just wanted you to know that I'm one of those who care about you. I hope you can come to more open terms with your spouse, and that in so doing she will support you with love and trust. Best wishes for 2010.

Gay Mormon said...

You know your wife and your situation better than anyone. With that in mind it's not a bad idea to listen to the musings of a woman married to a gay man. You do have to do things in your own time frame but I will say that of all my friends who are married moho's (and there are many)the ones who are open with their wives (four of them) are by far the happiest. Food For Thought? Regardless though you are playing with fire if you meet up with gay men behind your wifes back.

Anonymous said...

If you had any integrity, if you believed a single word of what you've written about the truthfulness of the Mormon church and the importance of a christ-centered life (where does he tell us to lie?) you'd be honest with your wife.

You are so amazingly selfish that I feel nothing but revulsion for you. It's not because you're gay--it's because you're a selfish liar. You'd rather lie and deceive the woman you claim to love than admit who you really are to the one person in the entire world who you owe the most to.

You really think that, coupled with the fact that you've never gotten naked with a guy, is going to get you a ticket into the celestial kingdom?

Rob said...

@Anonymous just above:

How Christ-like of you to condemn someone so harshly and with such arrogant judgment when you have no idea what's going on in his life, his heart, or his marriage. Attitudes such as you've expressed are what keep people like Forester in the closet, fearful of total ostracism by those who claim to follow the Savior and thus should be most capable of reaching out with patience, love, long-suffering, and all the other virtues Paul describes.

I am willing to believe that you are well-intentioned and capable of such behavior, but your comment sure doesn't sound like it. I think you owe Forester an apology.

Rob said...

P.S. to Anonymous:

If you had any courage, you would not have posted anonymously. That you did so makes your comment even more of a cheap shot. You should take it back.

Since July 15, 2007