Friday, June 29, 2012

I'm feeling so vulnerable right now, like the entire world is against me. In a way, my entire world is against me. My life revolves around my wife and family, church and work. Although I adore my wife, I feel like I can't be my entire self with her. I've tried on a few occasions to talk to her about my feelings and my situation, but it never falls on kind, receptive, non-judgemental ears. I can't say as I blame her, she has a lot at stake in the life that we have built over the years. Anything I say that may threaten this life, no matter how true, is met with resistance. I'm having a hard time knowing how to operate in this atmosphere, and so I typically end up not saying or doing anything externally, while internally I'm confronting all the issues of being gay, as well as my belief in the church. I feel like I'm in this vortex of conflict, and whenever there is a moment of calm, I begin to get out of this storm, only to be pushed back into the vortex. There is no perfect solution. Actually, there is not even a good solution.

I did get the opportunity today to have lunch with a good friend who understands what I'm going through. It was good to see his smile and get a hug.

10 comments:

MOHO IN VEGAS said...

Hang in there my friend. Reach out to us in the community for a listening ear. We are here for you :)

Beck said...

I feel and understand your stagnation as I've lived it and continue to to a degree.

With me, it got to the point where I had to confront my wife and let it all out. We've progressed and are better for having done so. We are more understanding and at least can put things in a box we both know verses one not knowing and the other hiding.

Don't know for sure whether that is better, but I think it is. That increased understanding, though with its own set of difficulties, helps us to move forward without constantly being caught in the "vortex".

recover and thrive said...

hope for better and make it. If you know these things see that you do them.

Ned said...

Hi Forester,

I am also a gay man (well, actually bisexual) who is married to a woman who doesn't like to discuss my less than orthodox religious views. Like Beck, I am out to her and it has advantages and disadvantages. Please know that you are not alone and that "you have brothers around, you're a family man."

Big Hug,
Ned

Andy said...

It would be great if you could tell your wife. It's a very difficult step, but when I did my wife finally understood our increasing problems and my moodiness were not her fault.

I've also had to back away from the church. The thought of being fully active again ie. temple, garments, callings... fills me with such negative emotions I'm not sure I can ever go back. My wife accepts that so far. I can't stay in my marriage becasue the church says so, or out of some feelings of guilt. I stay becasue I want to.

I wish you the best.

BrotherKarl said...

Wow!! That story took me all the way back. I'm probably much older then you but I was there. Very much married to a woman, and very much christian (and let me repeat: very much). I thought revealing a relationship that I had to my wife "prior to marrying" would resolve my inner conflict but it was actually what brought our marriage to an abrupt halt.I wasn't counting on that or expecting it but as the scripture says "all things work together for the good of them that LOVE GOD and are called according to his purpose".

That break-up though caused me to dive into a much deeper closer relationship with God and in that I gained a much better understanding of His word. That break-up sent me on a search where I ultimately found my male soul mate. We married and now have been together for 18 years, this week. We also pastor a church and have been able to be blessing to many in our community who are christian and gay so.

Whats my advise: Whatever you do, don't turn your back on God in the
process. The conflict you have comes from the church, not Him. They are separate. Also just because you haven't had this conversation with your wife or she with you, doesn't mean she doesn't know. Its a hard pill to swallow admitting that a bad decision was made. NOBODY wants to bring it up. And ... once it comes out everything is going to change, even if you both stay.If its accepted and you stay, it will open the door to cheating with more conflict... and out the door goes that strong christian reputation every christian wants so much to have. Parting may initially hurt but if you stick with God it can put you on the road to discovering the inner peace which He wants us all so much to have.

I know it all sounds preachy ..but crossing that bridge was not only the hardest thing I had ever done in my life ..it changed my life for the best forever, in ways I never imagine.

Same thing can happen for you.

c.galen said...

After so many years of marriage, I thought my wife would think me a coward and dishonest for keeping it to myself. But frustrations and tension built; I experimented and she found out, devasted initially but now resigned.

We are trying to find a way back, but there is always an edge and it's painful for both of us.

You can't keep a secret forever. Just do it; it will be painful and may break the marriage, but there are far worse alternatives.

Anonymous said...

Today has been one of those days for me in which I have been feeling so overwhelmed, confused, alienated, unheard, and all because of my SSA feelings and mainly because I have not come out to anyone, including my wife. We don't have kids yet. And finding /reading this post gave me some kind of peace , knowing I am not the only person going through this. I have felt so alone in my struggles that I even wished I was never born. So, thank you. At least knowing I am not the only person with SSA and married makes me feel I am not alone. I am still figuring out how to come out to my wife and how that will impact my marriage and life.

Anonymous said...

Are you still around? I used to follow your blog and stumbled back upon it today. I came out to my wife a year ago. Your blog helped me out. We're still together and doing well. Anyways, would love to hear from you. Hope this message finds you well.

g.wiggity@gmail.com

Matt said...

I can relate to your circumstances. I've been there too. Try to stay positive and know that you're not alone.

Chin up.

Since July 15, 2007