I feel like I don't know what to write anymore. The days go by, nothing has really changed. My attraction for men comes and goes, but most of the time it's still there, in the background of my life, sometimes forcing its way into a more prominent position. I'm dedicated to my wife and family. I love them and want to be with them every day.
I've been working on my sexual attraction for my wife, but it takes a lot of work and discipline. I'm angry that I have to work on it at all. Isn't sex supposed to come easily? I feel bad for my wife. I love her and am attracted to her in so many ways. She's actually quite stunning physically. Sometimes I think she deserves better than me. Someone who can hardly keep his hands off her. I love just being close to her. I try and make up for it in other ways; cleaning the house, helping more with the kids, just being a better husband in whatever way I can. But I feel like I'll never be able to make it up to her.
I still haven't told her about my attraction for men. I debate back in forth in my mind, weighing the pros and cons, trying so hard not to hurt anyone. I don't want anyone, especially my wife, to suffer for something that is a part of who I am. She would not understand, and for me to ask her to understand something that she never could, just isn't necessary. I guess I don't believe in total disclosure. If I felt that I needed her support, I might tell her. Right now, I don't see my attraction to men as a big deal. It's just part of who I am. Right now I need her support in other ways and for other things that are way more important than my attraction for men. Do guys in heterosexual relationships break the news to their wives that they look at other women? All of us have to keep our attractions, whether they be to men or women, under control. I've made a commitment to love and honor my wife, and only her. None of us are perfect, we make mistakes, but we move forward. I don't dwell on my other weaknesses. But I want to be clear that I don't consider my attraction to men to be a weakness. My weakness is not being totally faithful to my wife. Being attracted to the same sex does not mean I am automatically unfaithful or a bad person.