Friday, March 21, 2008

I feel like I don't know what to write anymore. The days go by, nothing has really changed. My attraction for men comes and goes, but most of the time it's still there, in the background of my life, sometimes forcing its way into a more prominent position. I'm dedicated to my wife and family. I love them and want to be with them every day.

I've been working on my sexual attraction for my wife, but it takes a lot of work and discipline. I'm angry that I have to work on it at all. Isn't sex supposed to come easily? I feel bad for my wife. I love her and am attracted to her in so many ways. She's actually quite stunning physically. Sometimes I think she deserves better than me. Someone who can hardly keep his hands off her. I love just being close to her. I try and make up for it in other ways; cleaning the house, helping more with the kids, just being a better husband in whatever way I can. But I feel like I'll never be able to make it up to her.

I still haven't told her about my attraction for men. I debate back in forth in my mind, weighing the pros and cons, trying so hard not to hurt anyone. I don't want anyone, especially my wife, to suffer for something that is a part of who I am. She would not understand, and for me to ask her to understand something that she never could, just isn't necessary. I guess I don't believe in total disclosure. If I felt that I needed her support, I might tell her. Right now, I don't see my attraction to men as a big deal. It's just part of who I am. Right now I need her support in other ways and for other things that are way more important than my attraction for men. Do guys in heterosexual relationships break the news to their wives that they look at other women? All of us have to keep our attractions, whether they be to men or women, under control. I've made a commitment to love and honor my wife, and only her. None of us are perfect, we make mistakes, but we move forward. I don't dwell on my other weaknesses. But I want to be clear that I don't consider my attraction to men to be a weakness. My weakness is not being totally faithful to my wife. Being attracted to the same sex does not mean I am automatically unfaithful or a bad person.


Peter said...

Oh please please please please tell her. There should never be secrets in a marriage. That secret could be one of the things that is making it hard for you to connect with her. It could prove to become a future downfall. From my experience in watching my parents, a secret will destroy a marriage. There must always be full disclosure, trust, honesty, and communication.

As your wife, she has a right to know. She deserves to know YOU--the whole you. I think you may be surprised as to how much she does understand. I think the longer you wait, the more she will be hurt. You can help each other and work together, but only if she knows.

MoHoHawaii said...

I'm a big proponent of coming out, in general. However, I think the situation of a mixed-orientation marriages is very delicate. Coming out to the straight spouse in a mixed-orientation marriage is generally the precursor to either divorce or a radical redefinition of the relationship.

Read Amity Pierce Buxton's The Other Side of the Closet for case studies and statistics.

Whether to come out to one's straight spouse is a very personal decision, and what is right for one couple may not be right for another. There are many factors to consider.

Good luck to you.

Mitääh! said...

I can tell you love your wife and you put her first by trying to make her happy in many ways. I can feel that you love her by writing about her and worrying hurting her.
I agree with both of you Peter and Mohohawaii. Secrets do hurt any relationship. A lot of thought has to be put into how one comes clean, when and if at all.
My husband came out to me not long ago. The first 2 months I felt I was a spectator looking in and trying to make sense of it all and what all of this meant to the marriage relationship. Now I'm trying to make more sense of my role since he has made sure he does not want a divorce and has made sure I know I'm not going to get one. He is a good man with short comings like I have ( I have many many many myself).
I'm glad that I know even it has given me more to worry about. At times I whish I did not know. My husband was very honest ( brutally) so that even the faintest idea that I might have had that he was attracted to me when we dated and got married was gone. That was very and is very difficult to digest. It has blummeted my selfworth but I'm working on fixing it.
If you decide to tell, you might want to think few things how to prepare for it. You might have a mediator such as a therapist who could help when the shock sets in. I had no one to talk to and still dont but I think I have done a good job dealing with this on my own.
I would be tackful. Share certain things as needed bases. Honesty is good for marriage and any relationship but been too honest can hurt the relationship as well.Even when you are prepared things will not go as planned but the safety net you have greated for your spouse when she has questions, doubts, sad moments and aha moments etc. If you are her only safety net will be emotionally priceless. It will wear you down and it will hurt your relationship but it can also heal in time. It defenately will redefine your relationship. You just need to be very prepared mentally that you can take the wave that it will cause.If you like I can tell you more how I deal or have dealt/felt after my husband came out. You can click my profile and use the contact e-mail there. I do not want to dominate your site ( as I have already done) with a long post. :)
You do not have to be afraid that I'll go mental on you. Maybe I can help by sharing how I have dealt with this knew knowledge.
Take your time and make sure you do it for the right reasons.
I will need to look up that book Mohohawaii recommended. It sounds interesting.
I apologise for any typos or grammar mistakes. Its late and do not want to hazzle with the spell check.

GeckoMan said...


I know that in the past I have been a proponent of openness and telling your wife. But I really like and identify with what you've written here in this post; I respect your position. I think it is sound rationale, to consider what might be gained vs the costs to your wife and your relationship. I would question your rationale if you were unhappy or feeling out of control, but your concern for her appears to be your first priority and it sounds like you have a working solution for yourself for the present. However, I would count on having to make full disclosure at some time in your future life together. Eventually all our secrets will be known to those who matter the most to us; hopefully our hearts will be purified and able to deal with such burdens.

Forester said...

Thanks so much, all of you, for your comments. I know I have blogged about this in the past. Most days, I don't feel it necessary to tell her. Especially right now while I'm recovering from a long three years of severe depression - not related to my attraction to men. I'm definately not mentally prepared right now for any type of fallout.

I do believe that each situation is different. I have always been attracted to my wife both physically and spiritually. If I had not been physically attracted to her, I would not have married her. The role that my same sex attraction plays in my life is such a minor one (most of the time). I've accepted it as part of who I am. For me, I am very fullfilled in my relationship with my wife and with my kids - this is the life that I want. I don't really need or want a relationship with another man. Weighing what of learned from all of you over the past couple of years, as well as counseling with past bishops, therapists and others, now is not the time. So why do I keep blogging about it?

Beck said...

"I do believe that each situation is different..."

That's the point! Each situation is different and you are different from all other blogging voices out there. No one is you. It must be right for you and that's that.

I sometimes wish I never had said anything. It has been a long road of constant reassurance that I'm still here and not going away. You can't take it back. But, you can go forward and working things out together sometimes is better than being alone.

Why are you still blogging? I've asked myself that as well... I think deep down we want to connect, to relate, to be understood, and in our MOM situations, it's not often that we get a chance to have these connections, relationships or understandings of who we are...

Please keep blogging. It has great value to me.

playasinmar said...

"Isn't sex supposed to come easily?"

Aren't straight guys supposed to marry straight women?

Look, for all the advice everyone's giving you you have to realize that there just isn't enough precident for anyone to know what you should do.

You gotta play this one by ear.

Crisco said...

I hear you. I have the same dilemma. Right now I don't see any good from telling my wife. I love her and none of my attraction to her has been false. I'm afraid such a revelation would come as such a blow that I would lose her and the kids.

Anonymous said...

there's a great song by carly simon about a couple who decide to divulge all their secrets. the singer decides that she didn't really need "to know all of those secrets of yours"

Since July 15, 2007