Tuesday, April 01, 2008

In his most recent post, Young Stranger describes his love for his partner in these words: "My relationship with my partner is not defined by our "gayness." It is defined by our love. Love is the word I claim. The love between us is built on a larger foundation of love, on our Heavenly Parents' boundless love for each of us. If it is not, it cannot possibly last, because if I do not let an understanding of God's love for him structure how I behave in relation to him, I risk becoming trapped in self, letting my own ego become the guide to our relationship."

I was preparing a post that was to use similar wording for my relationship with my wife. Just as his gayness does not define his relationship with his partner, my gayness does not define my relationship with my wife. I could easily replace the words he uses of "partner" and "his" with "wife" and "hers" in the above paragraph to describe my situation of a mixed-orientation marriage. There are those who would say that a gay man marrying a straight woman makes very little sense and only serves to create problems and cause unhappiness. Yes, it does create many problems which could lead to unhappiness, but for me, the benefits far outweigh any struggles. Just as Young Stranger suggests in his post, our relationships are defined by our love.

I do not deny that physical attraction is part of a healthy, loving relationship. I've come to realize this even more lately. Physical attraction is an integral part of a relationship. I've always been attracted to my wife, but just as with any relationship, over time, that physical attraction can diminish over time. Just as we have to work at our relationship in other ways, the physical part requires some work. It's my understanding that this can be the case in straight relationships as well. Is it harder for me because I'm gay? Probably. But I don't let it become more of a problem than it's worth. Perspective helps. Physical attraction helps. But even more importantly, love helps. It's that love for each other and for Christ that conquers all obstacles and allows me to continue on this path I have chosen. It is a good path. It's the path that Christ wants me to follow. It's the path that allows me the greatest chance at happiness in this life and in the life to come. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would still choose the same path, even knowing the struggles that have come from this decision. In the end, I can put aside being gay. In the end, what really matters, as Young Stranger puts it, is the love we share between each other and with Christ.

7 comments:

Beck said...

Beautiful!

Thank you...

One of So Many said...

Glad you are back! It's not been the same without you. Love the "spring" motif.

km said...

I'm not a man and I'm not married, but I can assure you that sexual issues are very common in marriages between two people who are straight. The majority of men who are addicted to pornography are straight, after all, and many of them are married. I know men who have been addicted to pornography for years while married to women whom they loved. So, yes, your struggle is not unusual, and you deserve a lot of credit for being honest with yourself and trying to discipline yourself. I know it sounds odd, but from the blogs I read that are written by married gay Mormon men, I sometimes think that in general they have a healthier perception of relationships than married straight Mormon men--the fact that they know so powerfully that what is most important in a relationship is love and commitment.

Forester said...

km, thanks for the kind words. It sounds like you need to find yourself a nice gay mormon guy to marry. I think we really do make great husbands and fathers. Right guys?

October Rising said...

well said!

J G-W said...

It's strange the ways we see ourselves reflected in each other... I'm very moved by how you saw my words reflected in your life... Thanks! Peace, love and all that!

Distinguishing Preoccupation said...

You are one of my favorite people here. I love to read your blog. If you ever make it up here to UT be sure to stop by and say hi.

-Caspian

Since July 15, 2007