Like many of us, I have been going through a transformation for the past two years. The transformation stems from many variables: our gayness, growing older, going through trials, and just life in general. But what if we're not happy with our transformation. I don't feel like I've reached where I want to be in terms of being gay, married, a faithful member of the church, a husband, a father, a friend. I had a different picture of where I would be in my life right now. I think we all did. How could we have ever imagined our plight as gay married men. I say plight, focusing on the trials. But, there are the positives of being gay, right?
The majority of us just want to be right with God. Meaning we want to be where He wants us to be. Is my life on the right path? Is this where he wants to be right now in my life? I just want to be able to serve him and help others. I don't want to have to worry about myself and my own struggles anymore. I won't even get started on my other trials of work and mental health. Maybe if I just focus on others, instead of so much on myself, I will end up where Christ wants me to be. Maybe everything else will miraculously fall into place if I just forget about myself.
When I start thinking about where I want to be and what I want in my life, I just get stressed out and depressed. When I look at myself, I see a big failure at my career, a gay man who is afraid to tell his wife, a husband who can't please his wife, a Father who isn't much of a role model, a friend who is really quite boring, and a member of a church he loves but is falling very short of being a very good disciple.
I started this post thinking that I would make a pledge to myself to be a better person, a better disciple of Christ. I was going to set goals and begin another transformation, but this time a transformation that I had more control over. We've been instructed to not just "go with the flow", but it seems that the "flow" is the "refiner's fire" that is molding me into something else, that I just don't understand right now. I'm having a hard time seeing the big picture anymore. Is this the way it's supposed to be?
6 comments:
2 years? Man in the past 6 months I've become a totally different person. It's weird to know who you were AND who you've now become and had no control over the process or the result.
I'm really wondering what my path and purpose in life is now too. I just don't know if I can fit back into the box of the church. Like you It's an odd path we must take and we just want some clearer direction as to where to go.
I hope you find your way as this is a hard path to take.
Please hang in there. I can relate with you regarding not knowing where this journey is taking me either. It's been nearly 3-1/2 years since coming out to myself and here I am still trying to put the pieces together and keep them together.
I know from personal experience this week that the "big picture" is out there and it's real. There is a power in the assurance of hope in that "big picture". And there is a place for each of us in that "big picture".
Love and family. Love and family. Don't give up on love and family.
I like what you write. I think that what you write about transformation is just another word for moving further along the path. You stated a number of things that you were basing your progress on, all of them I think if we made them our main goal would lead us in different directions.
Finaly you stated the one thing that I think assures that we do go in the right direction. Becoming a better deciple of Christ and then choosing to move forward with that.
Using that as the point we fix our compass I think allows us to move along the path choosing the right goals along the way.
Thank you for your inspiring words. Sometimes I think I do blog too much about whys and not the ways. Too much about the reasons and not the blessing. I'm glad you do that. Since I've started blogging you have been a constant source of inspiration and I have a feeling if I set my compass close to yours that I can't go wrong.
Forester,
For the last six months I caught up with and have continued to follow Beck's blog. I just happened to check your's out today.
I am gay and Mormon. I am not married. I tried to start down that path and I just couldn't do it. I was too conscious of my sexuality. I understand your struggle! I understand your pain! Even though I haven't been married I can relate to much of what you've said.
I admire your determination to maintain covenants you have made you to wife and children.
Forester, I hope that in this life you can find real happiness. We are told that man is that he might have joy. I believe that. And I believe that statement meant this life, not for something after this life. It is hard...but then most things are in this life.
I like what you've said in your last several posts...putting aside the SGA, and focusing on your wife, allowing that to be your main focus. Sometimes I think that is easier said than done.
And...be wary of trying to ignore these feelings. I've noticed as we do that then they end up coming back and hitting us over the head.
I am sorry I don't have better answers to offer, I struggle with some of the same things you do and my approach has been very different from yours.
Good luck!
"When I look at myself, I see a big failure at my career, a gay man who is afraid to tell his wife, a husband who can't please his wife, a Father who isn't much of a role model, a friend who is really quite boring, and a member of a church he loves but is falling very short of being a very good disciple."
When I look at you, I see someone who has a good heart, who has the potential to become great. ;)
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