Thursday, January 01, 2009

My wife had a dream the other night where I had begun to drink. She said that I had four beers, and although not drunk, she felt I was not fit to be around her and the children. She took the children and left. She left me over four beers! I know that this was only a dream, but I can't help but think that if she would leave me over four beers, there is no way she could handle me telling her that I'm attracted to men. She's actually had quite a few dreams lately where she becomes very angry with me for some odd thing or another I do, most of them trivial. I would never drink a beer, if anything, I would try a glass of wine, or maybe a Martini, but not a beer. Would she really leave me if I had a beer? She didn't say if, in her dream, she left me for good or for a few hours, but from the way she described her dream to me, it sounded like she wanted to leave for good. Should I shrug this off since it was a dream, or does it really mean something? Normally, I don't take dreams seriously, but I can't stop thinking about this one.


Abelard Enigma said...

She's actually had quite a few dreams lately where she becomes very angry with me for some odd thing or another I do, most of them trivial.

It seems to me that she senses some trouble in your marriage - but she can't quite lay her finger on what it is.

I also don't think you should use this as an excuse to not tell her about your attractions to men. Often, just knowing what the problem is can be a tremendous relief - even if the problem itself is huge. Right now, she senses a problem, but doesn't know if it is with her or with you.

Your wife needs to know that you love her. Knowing that you love her in spite of being attracted to men could bring you closer together rather than further apart.

Perhaps you and she should consider some sort of joint marriage counseling.

Beck said...

I've had dreams, multiple times, where my wife and sometimes even the kids are in a serious car accident and killed, and one of the outcomes is that I am left alone to lead my life as I see fit.

Now, does that mean I'm trying to have my family literally put away? Of course not! But, the subconscious mind does play interesting games.

Dreams are just dreams. Their meaning and association with reality depends on whether you want to make the connection. Like me, you obviously have doubts or guilt feelings for keeping things such as your attraction issues from her and this eats at you. Sure, there are times you can keep it under control, even for months at a time, and you're at peace, but it always comes back and you fear that she knows and that she's suspicious of it (and this dream may be foreshadowing her discovery).

I know you don't want to say anything, as you'll lose control, but maybe this dream is symbolic of you already having lost control by keeping it from her. I ended up telling my wife about my feelings because I was distancing myself so much from her because of it that anything more triggering doubts and the unknown within her would have put her over the edge. She and I survived, and for a long while, we were better together. It is only now, as I come to terms with my blogging and my meeting MOHOs and desiring to be a bit more "honest" with current developments within my attractions, that the fear of her knowing comes up all over again. I am making a resolution to be more honest with her, and if she were strong enough to accept my attractions for what they are, then she should be able to withstand other developments - for she loves me. That said, it still isn't easy and I still can't just blurt it out... it's got to be the right way in the right situation.

No one should tell you what to do. No one should say that their way should be your way. Your relationship with your wife is uniquely yours - but I can't help but read between the lines that you love her very much, you don't want to lose her - so do what you can to strengthen those ties and help her to know of your love for her.

I'm trying to create a list of "what I really want" in my relationship as I face my attractions and how they affect my loved ones. What do you really want?

We all want to feel secure and honest and authentic and wanted in our relationships. That goes both ways.

Bravone said...

Forester, You're back! It is good to hear from you. You know my thoughts on telling my spouse, but you know your situation better than anyone and are entitled to inspiration to guide you.

One mistake I made for many years was to assume that she couldn't handle the truth, that she wasn't strong enough. Truth is, she is much stronger than I am.

She was asked the other night by our best friends, a couple that we do a lot with, whether she would do it over again knowing what she does now. I sat quietly, but knew the answer. It was,"yes I would." I am so grateful for her.

I think that if we are being the husbands we should be i.e. living good lives, honoring our covenants, being good fathers, paying attention to the needs of our wives, etc. they will be better able to handle our sga issues because they can see our commitment by our actions.

Alan said...

Hey Forester, welcome back!

I'm glad Beck and Bravone are here because I really can't say anything more or better than what they've said. Some very good advice there. I know both of them and their words are wise.

Side issue: would you send me an e-mail please, I have a couple of questions for you (innocuous, I assure you) that are better done that way. Thanks and again welcome back!

Robert said...

Shrug it off man. Take things easy and don't make any decisions without 1) thinking long and hard about all aspects of the consequences, 2)spanning that thought process over a fair duration of time (discoveries come when you're patient), and 3) talking it over with people that you trust. I think it's really important to talk over serious decisions with others - they always offer very pertinent insight that I had totally overlooked.

Just a few thoughts about telling your wife about ssa. Don't stress about some undiscovered possible future trouble in your marraige - such stressing might actually create a rift for you guys. Love each day and be thrilled to be with her. That seems most valuable.

Haha, keep in mind, I'm single and attracted to guys. Haha. I'm glad you posted. I've waited a while to hear a peep from you. You're cool man. Keep your nose up and don't stress over imaginary or undiscovered future challenges. Be happy where you are and with your family. I'm glad you posted. Later Forester.

Forester said...

Does anyone know of another gay Mormon blogger who is married and has not told his wife? I haven't found one yet.

Alan, I can't give you my email as that would reveal my identity, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but not sure if I'm ready for that.

Alan said...


OK, I understand, no problem. FYI, I pass through your town with some frequency since we have family not too far away. Lunch on me if you would ever like to put a face with a name and have some actual real time contact with another blogger that gets where you're coming from. When you're ready.

Z i n j said...

Forester...I was impressed with your comment at Robert's blog. Although I'm not in your situation I someday may be there. I don't want to alone. I don't think in my situation I can ever reveal my SSA. I hope to however have family, wife and a good black lab with the picket fence. I'm just disappointed to hear that it can't be done and then here you are doing it. I don't know how difficult it is but it gives me hope in that I can continue to progress in the church without the stigma of SSA. That is so Kool that SSA can fade somewhat at personal discipline. Post sometime if its not too personal as to why you choose not to reveal a very baseline part of yourself.

BigRedHammer said...

I had been dating my last girlfriend for several months when she told me that she had an important thing to tell me. We were on a walk in the neighborhood. She told me that before she came to BYU she had had a child. She gave up the baby boy for adoption. According to plan, her contact with her child lessened with time. She explained how much that child meant to her and how it would always be part of her.

I'll be honest, it was a lot to take in. It took some time but I came to understand and appreciate her past. It is an important part of her. We eventually broke up and she married my best friend.

You can probably guess why I bring this up. If my girlfriend had not trusted me enough (or I earn her trust) and she had not told me about her past I would never have understood her or loved all of her. She could have kept it secret the rest of her life. I'm lucky that she trusted me however. Anyone could consider an out of wedlock baby a deal breaker. But instead it made the relationship stronger. Honesty is backed up by the Holy Ghost. He will back you up too.

miss sarah darling said...
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Wow. I think having dreams like that is very telling of your wife's emotional state. She knows something is wrong, and I would believe she is being given these feelings by design. I agree with miss Sarah that a woman's intuition is something so important.. and to withhold the opportunity from her of having all the facts I think is cruel, especially since one day you must know that the truth will come out. Even if you could, you won't want to hide this forever. I understand your reasons for keeping quiet about it, I understand the tendency to keep things the way they are, but I do think its cruel now that in her gut she knows something is not right.

I think as gay men it can be such a temptation to only focus on what it is for US to marry a woman. How we will deal with it, how it affects our happiness, what we give up etc. I would encourage ALL of us as gay men to put a little more thought, do a little more research into what the WOMAN in these scenarios has to give up and lose, often unknowingly. Its not fair to these women. They deserve more, even if they themselves don't think so. I've known women go into these situations knowingly as well as unknowingly. The ones who know think they understand what they are getting into, but 99% of the time they don't. They've been duped into thinking human sexuality is something that can change with enough prayer and therapy. They have bought into the idea that homosexuality is something that they can help correct, and that they should try to as followers of Christ. That breaks my heart. Because they can't change it anymore than we can. Its not a spiritual obligation. These women can't save us from being gay. Its wrong to let them try. I agree with miss Sarah that the longer you wait the more painful it will be.

I know it probably seems like its easy for me to say. I'm out. I'm not married. I have a boyfriend. But I do believe that total and perhaps painful honesty will always bring the greatest amount of blessing to the lives of all involved. Where there are secrets, where there is hiding and darkness, growth cannot be.

I think everyone should spend some time walking a mile in the shoes of women who have been married to gay men.

I recommend

I also correspond with miss Sarah and know that she would truly be willing to talk to any man in a situation who wants a woman's counsel about how to go about opening up a dialogue.

Forester. You are such an awesome guy. I will be thinking about you with love in my heart. God be with you my friend.

Since July 15, 2007