Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I wish that more straight Mormon guys would read our posts and comment. I, for one, could really use their input and would value their insight about our world of being gay, married and Mormon. I have a close friend who is Mormon and married but not active in the church. He knows that I struggle with SGA. Over the years, he has given me some good advice. He once said that it would be easier for him to live with another guy, even have a relationship with another guy (without the sex), than to live with his wife. He and I go shopping together, go to movies, have lunch, and just hang out every once in awhile. I admit that there have been times when I wanted to be closer to him - more intimate. And, there have been times, when one of us was down, that we have been able to hug. He feels that our relationship has helped me with my SGA in the sense that our relationship fills part of that void. And he is right. But it also hurts at times because I want to be closer and know that I can't. It doesn't help that he is really good looking with a great body. I've been thinking recently about asking him if I could come over and have him just hold me, but I'm worried about being rejected. I think if I persisted, explaining that i just really need someone to hold me right now, he would do it.


Bravone said...

What a cherished friend. I just lost mine. Treasure it for what it is. The occasional hugs and support are worth far more than sexualizing the relationship would be.

Alan said...

Do it. Everybody needs to be held sometimes.

Beck said...

Straight guys don't get it. They never will. Most don't have the mentality to even contemplate the possibilities we ponde. Why would they hang out here?

So, Bravone's right - cherish your relationship with your friend. So far he hasn't resisted your continuing relationship. Reach out and hopefully he'll not pull back from you.

brandonm said...

I guess to answer Beck's question, some of us may hang out here because we know and love people with SGA, and we want to understand and be helpful.

It is hard to know what to say to be of help, without sounding self-righteous or judgmental. I think the principal idea I could offer I shared in my comment on your last post.

I reject the notion that, SGA or not, Mormon men are all that different from each other. I think straight Mormons can understand the pain of SGA in Mormon culture, but we are not encouraged to by the culture (on both sides of the issue).

Before you talk to your friend, I'd say you should weigh all the potential outcomes. If he said yes, what would that mean for your relationship? What might you start longing for next to deepen your connection?

On the other hand, what if he says no? How would that affect your friendship? Would he become less open? Would you feel less open after feeling rejected?

My suggestion would be that whatever you do, don't lose a good friend. They are extremely hard to come by.

brandonm said...

Oh, I didn't mean to imply there are only bad outcomes to approaching your friend. There could be very positive ones, as well. Best of luck, Forester.

Joe Conflict said...

I've read a lot of your blog posts, and feel like I'm reading my life on its pages. I haven't really had a good male friend since pre-mission days and I miss it. Since my marriage currently lacks all affection and tenderness, for the most part, I'm a little too starved for love than I care to admit.

I don't think a straight guy can get it. Especially not a straight, male white guy living in the mormon west. Its just not their baggage to carry. Thinking about why I'm carrying it doesn't exactly bring positive happy thoughts about life most of the time.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Hi first time reader - first time commenter.

I'm strait, white, and I live in the Mormon west, and don't understand... if we were friends and I found out that you struggled with SGA. I think I would respect the decision you made to persue your faith in spite of your affliction. However, I think, and clearly I don't know but I'm just being honest, I think if we remained friends which is very possible that if you aked me to hold you that would take it too far. If I was married, and a female friend asked me to hold her that is too far as well. Or if I was unmarried and you were married and you asked me to hold you that seems inappropraite too.

Really though, setting those comparrisons aside. If neither of us were married, we were friends, you were gay, and I was not, I would not be comfortable "holding" my gay friend - just as uncomfortable as I would be holding my strait friend. It would change things for me.

Great blog, looking forward to more honesty.

Since July 15, 2007