In looking back over the years, I realize I have done a lot of self-loathing. I think it's a common practice that many of us fall into and unfortunately makes our lives miserable. Sometimes we mistakenly believe, whether consciously or subconsciously, that it's the church's fault, and in some cases, it jsut may be the fault of some church leadership, locally or at a higher level. However, in looking at the teachings of the church, the actual doctrine, self-loathing is not part of the plan. In fact, the opposite is true. So why do I do it? Why do I allow myself to think that I am less worthy, less loved, less acceptable to God?
For me personally, there seems to be a constant feeling of being tarnished, that I will never be able to live up to the standards of the church. I worry that if I allow myself too much leeway, I'll be able to rationalize behavior that would lead me down paths I don't want to go. These are paths I don't want to pursue because I want to be with my wife and family more than I want to be with another man. I know that some of you have been able to embrace being gay (without acting on it) while maintaining a wife and family. Is this only possible by being totally out to our wives, family, friends and many others? Does my secrecy, by its nature, lend toward self-loathing? I have no acceptance from my wife, family and church because I have not allowed them the opportunity to accept me for who I am. By receiving this acceptance, or support, does it aleviate the self-loathing? I don't want to hate myself anymore because I am gay. Looking again at my past, I don't think this really became apparant in my life until after I was married and began having kids. Previously, I don't recall ever being down on myself because I was gay. I knew that I was accepted by God and I knew that He loved me. Why has this changed? I'm having a hard time overcoming this evil of self-loathing. Because that's exactly what it is. Self-loathing does not come from God, it comes from a being who wants me to "be miserable like unto himself".