I feel that my wife absolutely hates me (at least most of the time). This is something that has happened slowly over the years. I think most of the time she just tolerates me. I feel bad that I'm not the person she thought I was (let alone being gay). I think I let her down all the time with the minor things, so anything major, such as telling her I'm gay, would just cement her hatred. However, I have to believe that in some way she still loves me. If I said to her that I feel like she hates me, she would deny it - maybe acknowledge that she is often angry with me, but not hate me. She has stuck with me for almost 15 years, so I must believe she is at least dedicated to our marriage. But I wonder how much she does it out of commitment instead of love. I wonder how much I do it out of commitment, not love. I guess any relationship requires both. Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to leave. Lately, things have gotten much more complicated and I find myself doubting the path I have chosen. There are times I feel like there is no solution and I wish I could just walk away from everything, or even end it all (as in ending my life). I try not to go there too often.
On a lighter note, I have a crush on a guy. He is gay. I've been trying to find ways of spending time with him, but haven't been too successful. We went to lunch a few days ago and I had a great time. I haven't told him I'm gay and he knows I'm married. He wouldn't do anything to come between me and my relationship with my wife and family, but part of me wishes he would. I've never had a close gay friend who knew I was gay. It just seems too dangerous if I want to stay committed to my wife. I wish we could just be close friends without having to worry about it. Am I strong enough to have close gay friends and stay true to my wife, family and church? I'm not worried about the friend, I'm worried about myself. Maybe if I just told him the truth about being gay and told him I want to stay with my wife, we could develop a close friendship. I just don't know if I trust myself. I know that many of you married, gay men struggle with how, and if, to develop relationships with other gay men. We need someone to confide in that understands and accepts us for who we are and it's hard to find this in a straight friend.