Monday, December 13, 2010

I feel that my wife absolutely hates me (at least most of the time).  This is something that has happened slowly over the years.  I think most of the time she just tolerates me.  I feel bad that I'm not the person she thought I was (let alone being gay).  I think I let her down all the time with the minor things, so anything major, such as telling her I'm gay, would just cement her hatred.  However, I have to believe that in some way she still loves me.  If I said to her that I feel like she hates me, she would deny it - maybe acknowledge that she is often angry with me, but not hate me.  She has stuck with me for almost 15 years, so I must believe she is at least dedicated to our marriage.  But I wonder how much she does it out of commitment instead of love.  I wonder how much I do it out of commitment, not love.  I guess any relationship requires both.  Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to leave.  Lately, things have gotten much more complicated and I find myself doubting the path I have chosen.  There are times I feel like there is no solution and I wish I could just walk away from everything, or even end it all (as in ending my life).  I try not to go there too often. 

On a lighter note, I have a crush on a guy.  He is gay.  I've been trying to find ways of spending time with him, but haven't been too successful.  We went to lunch a few days ago and I had a great time.  I haven't told him I'm gay and he knows I'm married.  He wouldn't do anything to come between me and my relationship with my wife and family, but part of me wishes he would.  I've never had a close gay friend who knew I was gay.  It just seems too dangerous if I want to stay committed to my wife.  I wish we could just be close friends without having to worry about it.  Am I strong enough to have close gay friends and stay true to my wife, family and church?  I'm not worried about the friend, I'm worried about myself.  Maybe if I just told him the truth about being gay and told him I want to stay with my wife, we could develop a close friendship.  I just don't know if I trust myself.  I know that many of you married, gay men struggle with how, and if, to develop relationships with other gay men.  We need someone to confide in that understands and accepts us for who we are and it's hard to find this in a straight friend.


Gay Saint said...

While I doubt that your wife hates you, it is probably likely that she has realized that her relationship with you isn’t the relationship she always dreamed about and felt like she deserved. If she doesn’t know about your SGA, she probably goes through cycles of blaming herself, and then blaming you – but for what she isn’t sure.

I have always been pretty vocal about my feelings regarding MOMs, although I realize I can’t know everyone’s situation (and certainly don’t know yours any better than you do), so obviously you have to decide for yourself what you want/need to do.

But from my POV, it’s a win/win if you tell her. Either A, she’ll finally understand why she has felt so estranged from you for so long, realize it isn’t her fault, and with your commitment to her will also renew her commitment to you (15 years makes it sounds like she’s pretty willing to work things out), or B, she’ll leave, and as hard as that will be for you, you’ll finally be able to sit down and make a decision that works for you (whatever that decision happens to be) without the added stress of what she would think.

And either of these options is better than C: cheating on her – which you admit is a worry for you (and understandable so). You mention that it is hard to find someone who accepts you and loves you for who you are; someone you can confide in. Shouldn’t that person be your significant other above anyone else? I feel for you: I can’t even imagine being in a relationship where this wasn’t true.

My partner and I have survived some pretty tough times, but only because we were able to be honest with each other. I would have no idea how to close the gaps when the occur without honesty...

Just my miserable two cents ;)

Neal said...

I wish I could give you a big hug right now! I know that's got to be tough.

I think Gay Saint had some good words for you. I stayed single, thatfully, so I don't have to deal with what you have. On the flip side, this is a pretty lonely life. I really miss not having kids. Or just someone around to talk to and share with.

Hang in there! If you need someone to talk to you can get my e-mail address from my Blogger profile. I'm a good listener.

Bravone said...

Gay Saint makes a good argument for telling your wife. I don't want to sound fatalistic, but from my own experience and from what you have said, without her support, it will just be a matter of time before you either implode (possibly ending your life), or cheat on her. Neither are good options.

I know what worked/is working for me. It isn't always easy. In fact, sometimes it's still really difficult, but on balance, I am happy and so grateful to have the love and support of my wife.

Beck said...

No one should tell you what to do. We can only share experiences of what we have done and learn from each other. I told my wife now going on six years ago, and at times I have regretted it, but our relationship, though at times strained, is so much better for being able to understand better why some things don't work so well, and how to help each other through the rough spots with meaning and honesty behind the "issue". Six years ago, I was heading for divorce. Today we are sound in our "commitment" and "love" for each other.

Invictus Pilgrim said...

I, too, agree with much of what Gay Saint wrote. In reading your post, however, I couldn't help noticing that you wrote a lot about your wife, how she feels, what she wants, how she'd react, etc. But you didn't say much about how YOU feel (other than it sounds like you'd really like to be able to tell that guy who you really are).

I know that being in a MOM is very, very difficult, particularly when you're Mormon. However, my two cents would be to have a hard think about what YOU really want and how YOU feel. This isn't being self-centered; it's knowing who you are. And if you don't know who you are, then you will likely always be a reactor rather than an actor; you will know weakness rather than strength; and you will more than likely be miserable.

To echo what Beck said, I'm certainly not trying to tell you what to do. I'm merely offering you some thoughts based on my own experience. Do with them what you will.

Crisco said...

It's been 2 1/2 months since I told my wife. I think in a few years, we would have headed for a divorce if I hadn't told her. We've been in a good place, but now we can deal with some things. I totally understand that urge to look elsewhere. That hasn't exactly gone away. While I can be more open with my wife now, it's only to an extent. I love her, and we've developed something special that is not just about the kids. Otherwise, I don't think it would work.
It's sad to hear that you think your wife hates you. How do you feel about her?

J G-W said...

I too agree with Gay Saint's advice.

If your wife is angry and frustrated with you, it may because she simply doesn't fully understand (or only suspects) what's going on in your relationship. Knowing and understanding this BIG thing may help her sort out and make sense of all the little things that are bothering her right now.

And -- FOR THE RECORD -- if the status quo course you're on is leading you to think about ending your life, you need to change course. NOW.

Anonymous said...

I have chosen not to tell; despite all the advice to the contrary, I couldn't see an upside to it. But I couldn't keep everything inside and had a couple of one-night stands (I think about your trip to the bookstore). I'm surprisingly free of guilt about it all. I learned that sex is a poor substitute for an emotional relationship so have kept "honest" for a few years trying to be a good if not honest father and husband. I envy those able to have one person the source of sexual and emotional love, but from what I see in both the gay and straight worlds, I'm not alone. Move on.

Since July 15, 2007