So I know I haven't posted in forever and so much has been happening in my life that I've wanted to post, the only problem is I've been able to meet some of you who follow my blog since moving to Utah and I don't want to blog about these experiences if they might offend. It's one thing exposing my private life, but it's another thing exposing somebody else. I know I can change names, etc, but those who know me would know I'm talking about them, and although most of my comments would be good, I would still hold back some of my true feelings, making me not want to blog about it. I've also become increasingly scared that someone I know will discover my blog and be able to connect the dots. I really admire those of you who have come out to your wives, families and friends, especially those of you who are open in your church wards.
Yesterday my wife told me that she had a dream that I didn't want to be with her any more. She doesn't know that I'm gay, but it's obvious that she feels this disconnect between us, even though I am totally dedicated to her. I have enough problem trying to convince her that I love her without having the extra burden of having to prove myself to her if she knew I was gay. Those who I have come out to are usually totally surprised, although there have been a couple that said they knew. Usually these are gay friends who knew what to "watch" for and with whom I've already been able to make a connection. I've realized that I have this fundamental fear of people thinking or finding out that I'm gay. I would say at least 50% of the time, if not more, when I interact with straight guys, internally I keep telling myself that I hope they don't think I'm gay. It has become such a natural response to hide my attraction to guys in every social situation, with friends, family, ward members (especially ward members). Because of this, I tend to suppress everything about me, not just that I'm gay, but anything about me that may lead anyone to think I'm gay. I find myself not wanting to be in social situations, not wanting to give responses in church classes, not wanting to share anything about myself with others. Most the time, I don't even realize what I'm doing, it just comes so naturally now. Hiding my attraction to guys at all costs has been my reality for so many years. Now I find myself not knowing how to interact with people, having to second guess everything I do and say. Why do I live in this world of deception? I'm just too afraid to tell people I love, so I end up telling people I hardly know, like the guy who cuts my hair or somebody I've met on-line in my same situation. I thought I could live in this "secret" world without too many repercussions, but I'm finding there are many results that I never realized until now.