Friday, June 17, 2011

So I know I haven't posted in forever and so much has been happening in my life that I've wanted to post, the only problem is I've been able to meet some of you who follow my blog since moving to Utah and I don't want to blog about these experiences if they might offend.  It's one thing exposing my private life, but it's another thing exposing somebody else.  I know I can change names, etc, but those who know me would know I'm talking about them, and although most of my comments would be good, I would still hold back some of my true feelings, making me not want to blog about it.  I've also become increasingly scared that someone I know will discover my blog and be able to connect the dots. I really admire those of you who have come out to your wives, families and friends, especially those of you who are open in your church wards.

Yesterday my wife told me that she had a dream that I didn't want to be with her any more.  She doesn't know that I'm gay, but it's obvious that she feels this disconnect between us, even though I am totally dedicated to her. I have enough problem trying to convince her that I love her without having the extra burden of having to prove myself to her if she knew I was gay. Those who I have come out to are usually totally surprised, although there have been a couple that said they knew. Usually these are gay friends who knew what to "watch" for and with whom I've already been able to make a connection. I've realized that I have this fundamental fear of people thinking or finding out that I'm gay. I would say at least 50% of the time, if not more, when I interact with straight guys, internally I keep telling myself that I hope they don't think I'm gay. It has become such a natural response to hide my attraction to guys in every social situation, with friends, family, ward members (especially ward members). Because of this, I tend to suppress everything about me, not just that I'm gay, but anything about me that may lead anyone to think I'm gay.  I find myself not wanting to be in social situations, not wanting to give responses in church classes, not wanting to share anything about myself with others.  Most the time, I don't even realize what I'm doing, it just comes so naturally now. Hiding my attraction to guys at all costs has been my reality for so many years. Now I find myself not knowing how to interact with people, having to second guess everything I do and say. Why do I live in this world of deception? I'm just too afraid to tell people I love, so I end up telling people I hardly know, like the guy who cuts my hair or somebody I've met on-line in my same situation. I thought I could live in this "secret" world without too many repercussions, but I'm finding there are many results that I never realized until now.

11 comments:

recover and thrive said...

I hate that I've suppressed so so much of me...I am officially socially akward because of it...yet I know I could be such a great person had I had the confidence to just be whover it is I am to be

Troy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Troy said...

I feel much the same as you and recover and thrive.

Bror said...

Forester I have missed you. So glad to hear from you. Enjoyed your post as usual. Your not alone.

Clark said...

Some time ago, I wrote a post I never published. It went something like this: My wife accused me if I was having an affair. My wife accused me of deceiving her when we got married by claiming that I liked dancing. My wife had dream in which I told my college aged brother that she and I were living as roommates and could he set me up with some girls.

Obviously then, this was before she found out about me. But the point is I know how it can be hard to convince our wives of our love. I do feel closer to her now than I did a year ago however.

Also, I am glad to see you posting again. I think of you and our similar situations often. I am jealous of your getting to meet others of "us". I don't know how many of them may be 30 somethings, active, married, with children, but I am finding it harder as of late to even make those connections online. I haven't blogged much lately either, but I'm still out here, if you ever feel like e-mailing me.

One more thing, I have the same feelings when interacting with straight guys, but probably closer to 80% of the time.

Rob said...

I lived with all of that for years myself. My situation is different from yours and I won't presume to suggest any course of action for you. But I will say that being completely out and comfortable with it brings a peace and tranquility inside that I never imagined was possible. I hope you can get there someday too.

Matthew Plooster said...

I cannot fathom just how difficult your situation is, and how hard even daily living might be for you. But I am continually impressed with your strength, especially the personal sacrifices you've made out of devotion for your wife and family. We love and care about you, please know you're not alone.

mohoguy said...

I agree with most of what the others have said. We cripple ourselves and do much damage by not being honest with ourselves and those we love. I have been there and done that. My wife and I are much closer after I opened up. Some women can't handle being married to a gay guy but she has been fantastic and it's just increased my love for her. It was bruising to her ego to know that I am not what she thought I was when we got married but it is much less painful to both of us than living a lie. In Mormon culture people marry young and inexperienced. You can only be held responsible for what you knew about yourself at the time.

Anonymous said...

for me, keeping it in was harmful. I would reccomend finding people who support what you want out of life and letting them know.

I would also tell my wife.

but that is just me.

Some Like It Hot said...

I don't understand why you wouldn't tell your wife.

marriedtoamoho said...

"even though I am totally dedicated to her."
Really?
Take a long deep look at that sentence, and then go back and read some of your previous posts. I think you are living in a parallel universe. A universe you created as a survival tool. Your motives started out as pure. Are they still?
Mandi

Since July 15, 2007