Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I tried talking to my wife yesterday about me needing to take a step back from the church right now. She seemed frustrated and almost as though she didn't believe me, or that I could actually be saying something like that. She knows I've been struggling with participation in the church for years, so I was a little surprised by her reaction. Although, as I anticipated, she didn't want to talk about it. She complains about our lack of communication and then gets frustrated when I try to communicate. This is one of the reasons I have not told her about me being attracted to men.

It's interesting that, ever since I've allowed myself to actually doubt the veracity of the church, when I listen to talks and lessons in church, it's unbelievable what is being said. I've been seeing things from a whole new perspective. I never realized how many contradictions there are in church doctrine. Granted, the majority of what people say in church is not really doctrine, but instead their preception of doctrine. There are many beautiful concepts contained in the church doctrine, such as the promise of living forever, but there are many doctrines that even though they once seemed desirable, are no longer what I would want in an afterlife. Nor are the "blessings" saught after in this life that desirable as taught in the church. The things that most members of the church enjoy, I do not enjoy. I guess what I'm saying is that what the church has to offer, both in this life and the next is simply not desirable to me. What the church teaches as happiness, is not what makes me happy. This isn't to say that every doctrine and belief of the church does not make me happy.

I don't yet know to what extent I don't believe anymore. I don't feel that everything the church teaches is wrong. However, I'm allowing everything to be put on the table. I'm allowing myself to assess what I really believe and ask some difficult qusestions. And I'm doing it from a more open perspective.


Matthew Plooster said...

My dear friend, how my heart goes out to you, both to give you comfort and also to support your decisions.

I believe that reevaluating one's beliefs, hopes, dreams, and goals is vital to form a clearer vision of self-actualization. You are right, most of what we learn in going to church each week isn't doctrine, but one's perception of the true doctrine. Taking a break to view your life from the sideline will help you either strengthen your faith in the church or find what is most fulfilling for you. Faith is meant to be tested.

Assess your beliefs and ask yourself those difficult questions, but always be honest with yourself. Living a lie, whether it be religion, sexuality, or anything else, begins with being dishonest with yourself. You've identified the steps you need to take, and I'm here to help in any way. I really think that being more open with yourself will help you be an even more incredible man, an even better husband (either strengthening your marriage or a new relationship, whichever path you choose to follow), and a stronger dad.

And from getting to know you over the past year, I have found you to be a truly amazing man, one whom I look up to and admire with incomprehensible respect. This road isn't easy, but you're not alone.

mohoguy said...

This is a difficult path and I understand your challenge. Be true to yourself and patient with others. If I can help in any way, please let me know. Brad

Anonymous said...

Hi Forester,

I am just an anonymous person that has followed many gay lds blogs for the last few years. When I started I was a semi-active, semi-believing member. I am now a completely unbelieving person. I had to take the same journey you are starting to take. I found to be an awesome unbiased(as unbiased as anything can be). I wish you good luck on your journey, I know how hard it is to handle family situations. The only other advice I can give, is to start opening up to your wife, push through her dismissals and let her know she is the one not communicating(even though she states she wants to). My biggest regret is not opening up during my progression out, it was abrupt once I came to my conclusion.

Since July 15, 2007