There are times when I feel so fragile. It feels like the world is just too cruel of a place for me to exist. Where just the words from someone could crush me. It's a world where I just want to build a huge wall around myself and my family to shelter us from the evil and ugliness that surrounds us. Living at the end of times is difficult and often overwhelming. I feel like a child. I can't comprehend all that is going on around me and why there is so much hatred. It seems that everyone around me is struggling. They are tired. At work, at church, in restaurants, at the library, wherever I go, people are tired and barely hanging on. There has never been a greater need for the saving grace of Christ.
What is my role in all of this? I want to be a good father and husband. I want to contribute to society in a positive way. I want to be obedient. I want to be good. I want to help others. I want to make the world a better place. I feel like I'm stuck in a place that is difficult to move forward. I do okay at work, but not great, I do okay at home, but not great, I do okay in my church calling, but not great. I feel trapped. I often feel depressed, not just down, but totally overcome by blackness.
I have a good job and am able to support my family. I have a good education that allowed me to get a good job. The work is interesting, but something is missing. Something is not right. Is it just me? Should I be more positive about my work and the life I am leading? I have a great wife and children. They are my anchor and my hope, but they know something is wrong with me. I wish I could just pin it on the SGA, but that would be too easy. My SGA doesn't really create that many problems in my life. It's tough at times, but I don't believe that it is the cause of my suffering. My therapist tells me not to focus on the cause, but instead on the solution - don't ask why, just look forward. But I can't help but ask what is causing these feelings of incompleteness? Why are there nights that I can't stop crying in the dark - and I don't even know why I'm crying?