I've received some comments suggesting that I am suffering from depression because my SGA is in conflict with my beliefs, my marriage and my family. I know there are many struggling with SGA who also suffer from depression, and that there is a direct link between the two. In my case however, there doesn't seem to be a connection. However, I can understand and sympathize with those who do suffer from mental illness as a result of inner conflicts, as well as religeous and societal pressures, arising from SGA. It's a tough road for all of us, whether or not we are Mormon. I have had conversations with many openly gay men who feel, deep down, that they know their lifestyle is wrong. I believe we are all born with the light of Christ within us that helps us to know right from wrong.
There is a lot of misunderstanding and stigma associated with mental illness. Saying that depression is a result of their environment or their circumstances does not always hold true. I have yet to pinpoint any reason for my depression. Some mental illness is simply the result of chemicals, or the lack thereof, in the brain. Having clinical depression for the past two years has helped me to take a closer look at myself. The disease in and of itself is actually quite physically and mentally debilitating. I ended up taking two months paid medical leave from work just to begin recovery. Although the disease probably snuck up on me slowly, it felt more like a sudden hit. I woke up one morning completely unable to face going into work. There was nothing in particular happening at work to make me feel this way, but I felt like I couldn't be away from my wife for more than five minutes. The idea of being alone was terrifying. Little did I know that this was just the beginning and there would be even more terrifying moments over the next two years. It has been quite an intriguing journey. I would never have guessed that I would have come down with this illness. I've always been happy - even with my struggle of SGA.
I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this, other than to say that my choice of being faithful to my wife and my beliefs, in the face of SGA, has not caused my depression. I don't feel trapped in my marriage or unfulfilled sexually because I have chosen to supress feelings of SGA. There are many who would lead me to believe that by not allowing myself to follow my "true" feelings of SGA that I will never be happy. In reality, the opposite is the truth.