Sunday, August 19, 2007

I haven't had this problem before, or at least hadn't really noticed it too much, but today in EQ I couldn't stop staring at all the good looking guys. My ward has an abnornally high proportion of fine looking 25-35 year old men. Rather than continue in my seemingly sinful state (not that I necessarily felt guilty for having these feelings), I got up and left about half way through the meeting. I didn't leave because I was overwhelmed by guilt, I left because I was feeling sad and irritated that I couldn't pursue any of them. Like I said, I don't think I've felt this way before. It was more overwhelming than usual. Typically, I would feel more guilt about wanting to see these guys naked, but today I just didn't want to feel anything regarding SGA, whether it was attraction, guilt, longing, pitty for myself, hatred toward myself, anger for having to deal with this, or whatever feeling associated with this plight I am in. So, I got myself out of the situation. I went down to the gas station and bought a Coke and sat in the car, just not thinking about my SGA.

Do I really want to have sex with these guys? What is it that I'm longing for? What price am I willing to pay to get it? I want to be closer to these men but I don't know how or don't have the courage. I don't fit in. I want to be like them. I want to be straight, but I don't really know what that means. I don't know what it is that I'm feeling. The world calls it gay, the church calls it SGA. All I know is that this is how I feel and I go from day to day, trying to do what is right. I have obligations to a family I love and can't imagine being without.

7 comments:

GeckoMan said...

Forester, only you can answer your most personal questions, so I will try to say only what I go through when faced with an attractive man I wish I could connect more to.

I say in my mind and heart, "God, he's beautiful! Father, you made such a wonderful attractive man here. All of your creations are beyond my simple words of praise, but I do admire the work of your hands! Please continue to fill me with charity, the pure love of Christ, so that I can love this man for who he is, and yet remain pure and chaste."

And then I love them with my eyes, my smile, and where appropriate, with a genuine manly touch. If I can feel true charity for men, they sense it, I am clean, and all are refreshed and uplifted.

-L- said...

One thing a therapist taught me is to look at the guys you're attracted to and really try to figure out what it is about them that you find appealing. Usually for me it's the type of confident and capable traits that I hope to develop in myself. Or, I should say, the traits that part of me thinks I'll never have--and then I become envious and lustful in a way. My therapist suggested I try to really become good friends with the guys I'm most attracted to, and I'd say EQ is probably a good place to take that advice (safer than most!). I could really relate to your post here.

santorio said...

a lot of nerves touched here

many married students in my ward, so...

but someone up there must be looking out for me; i was given a social promotion to the HP group (i'm an elder but was asked to teach so that's where i go even those weeks when i don't teach. not much to drool over there

ever see the movie moonsruck? an italian matron goes around asking why do men cheat (i.e., her husband). she decides the answer is, they are afraid of dying. to answer L's question: when i feel attracted to these men, is it more their youth than anything else that i am attracted to?

Crow's View said...

I think that Satan attacks us sometimes in places we feel we should be safe and so we let our guards down. Like EQ. Yeah had that expirence. The worst is when your sitting in the singles ward and there are really cute guys passing the sacrament and you are trying to keep you mind on the purpose of the meeting and you find yourself distracted by the hottie in the suit. I used to really get mad at myself, but now I try think to myself, and I know I'm in control. Now instead of looking away I try to think of something spiritual the guy I'm looking at has said to me or something that makes me see him as more then something to lust after, if that makes since. I try to see him the way my Heavenly Father sees him. I can't help that I find him attractive. I can help what I think about him after that. Lately thats been helping out a lot.

Beck said...

Boy, can I relate to this one! You are certainly not alone in your experience in the EQ here. I can't say I've ever taken off out of the meeting to buy a coke, but I have taken off outside the building to try to get my head screwed on correctly.

For me, getting to the point of admiring their beauty, their confidence, their youth, their strength, their spirit etc. and not beating myself up for noticing, is a great step forward. Concentrating on them, developing a fantasy about them, blocking out all other thoughts but them... that's when it gets wiggy and angsty.

I agree with Santorio: What has worked best for me is to be stuck in the HP quorum. There is absolutely no temptation or attraction there at all! :)

Forester said...

These suggestions are great. Do straight guys feel something toward one another that is not sexual, but very similar...the envy, the wanting to be like them? Why is it that we want to take it a step further and want to have sex with them simply because we admire them? Essentially, I guess we just have to not dwell on the sexual component, and L you are right, EQ might be the safest place to try this out. The only problem is I also suffer from social anxiety. It's so difficult at times to just say "hi".

kittywaymo said...

just remember...young men turn into older men in HP!! also..harrison ford would make a cute HP.:)

"Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly..then shall thy confidence wax strong...before the Lord"..love yas...

Since July 15, 2007