Thursday, August 09, 2007

So what is it that keeps me from pursuing a relationship with another man? What is it that I do from day to day that allows me to stay with my wife and kids, attend the temple, take the sacrament and participate in all church functions? What are the daily functions that I adhere to that keep me where I'm at? I'm not sure if there is any safe and sound, tried methodology. I, like many of you in my same position try to pray daily, read the scriptures, serve in my calling, fulfill my obligations as a husband and father, hold family home evening with my family, and attend church each Sunday. Are these the things that keep me from giving-in to my need for a male relationship? I know these things help, but I can't imagine that they are the determining factors.

Perhaps it is because I have a personal testimony of the teachings of Christ as taught by the church. But, this too, in and of itself could not be the determining factor. So what is it? Maybe I'm afraid to lose my wife and family. I also don't believe that pursuing a relationship with another man will really make me happy. All these things combined could lead to my not taking action on feelings within me that are so powerful and seem so natural. But I also know there are others who are doing the same things on a daily basis, who feel the same way I do, who have strong testimonies and beliefs in place that are even stronger than my own, who have decided to pursue a same-gender relationship. So what is the determining factor? Does it simply come down to making a choice? A choice that I must make on a daily and sometimes hourly basis?

I definitely don't claim to be perfect. There are times I regress and look at porn, usually being more offended than aroused. But if I can find just the right amount of "soft" porn, I can be aroused without being offended. Do I look at images and videos of naked men because I have a need to do so, with the end result being masturbation? Yet, I seem to be able to get up each morning, kneel before my God and my Creator, sincerely asking for forgiveness and moving on with my life and my daily responsibilities of work, family, church and society. I read yesterday in the scriptures that sharing your testimony can help with forgiveness of sin. I think I should share my testimony more often.

So here I am, writing this blog, trying to piece it together and make sense of it all, but it's simply too miraculous to make any sense. Ah, there it is. It's a miracle. It's not just what I do each day, and the choices I make, it's a heavenly gift. Perhaps it has correlation with the greatest sacrifice of all. It's the process of forgiveness and allowing myself to receive this most incredible gift from a loving and understanding Heavenly Father. There is no way that I could deal with my beliefs, my convictions and same gender attraction on my own. It's not simply what I do and what I believe, it's what is freely given to me. His grace. His love. His perfect love. Christ's love.

7 comments:

Chris said...

Thank you for your honesty and your example. It is a tough journey, but I applaud your efforts despite your weaknesses and occasional setbacks.

playasinmar said...

"So what is it that keeps me from pursuing a relationship with another man?" - Forester

You picked a side. Generally you should have the guts to stand by your decision; come what may.

That's true for most people and most situations... but you have a family. You made children!

You betray that you have built and it will haunt you every second of every day the rest of your selfish life.

You wanna end up like him?

Beck said...

Beautiful post!

You made your decisions and "you should have the guts to stand by your decision; come what may," as Playa has stated.

But like you, it's not that easy. Every day, even sometimes "every hour", I have to remake that decisions and recommit that resolve.

It isn't easy, but you're doing it and it is a MIRACLE!

Danish Boy said...

This is so great! I really am glad that I read your post this morning. It reminded me of what god has given us. God's grace is amazing to me. Thanks for the message.

Jerry said...

Wow, okay we are pretty much in line and I think we should get to know each other. I could use more influences like you in my life.
The gospel is true. Now the people and some of the social aspects I think sometimes get in the way. Us Mormons are good at "When" and "Why" questions. I think it's because we are raised to think that happiness comes as a result of following a plan.
This brings me to the part that I've had to learn the hard way and I think that maybe you will understand. I know how hard it is to love something so much and feel that it doesn't love you back. Like in the church. I've tried to go outside of it and "experience the gay community," what I have found in almost every situation is that I feel like I am visiting a foreign land and I don't belong there. For the most part everything that I've found is exactly the opposite of what I feel is right. I've also found that in a world where people are looking for "self" there isn't any room for anyone else unless you can do something for them.
The biggest tragedy is when one of us gives up and out of desperation, ventures out to the world to find happiness that Satan tells us we will find by just trying it, we try it and then he then turns around and says okay you tried it and now you can't go back your not worthy and so you might as well just keep doing it and also try other things and within a short time we are doing drugs, smoking and drinking and having casual meaningless sex.
I think a lot of us think that we can mix our Mormon values with parts of the world. And then somewhere along the line we realize just how lonely we are because we have lost the only real way to be happy and Satan has convinced us that there's no going back.
This is the biggest lie out there, there is always a way back. That's what the atonement is and why we have the gospel.
We just need to do our best and let God do the rest and realize that mistakes don't make things foreverwrecked unless we let them.

GeckoMan said...

I agree with your observation and analysis, Forester. In the multiple-choice questionaire of life, the best answer as to why I survive day by day, hour by hour is for me,"All of the above."

Some Like It Hot said...

Great post. Thanks for sharing.

Since July 15, 2007