Maybe I'm in denial, but I just don't believe that my SGA is the cause of my sadness. I have depression, and there may or may not be a reason for the depression. It's an illness, like having diabetes, just with a more complex mental component. I'm not leading a duplicitous life like many feel who have SGA. I have no internal conflict between my SGA and my religeous beliefs. I'm not denying myself of who I am. I will definately not be happier by giving in to temptation. Yes, I do have guilt about my feelings, but only enough guilt to keep me on the right track. Most of the time, I am happy and most of the time I have no SGA. I don't allow my SGA to play a dominant role in my life. I truely have dominion over myself. I have over ten years of marriage and at least twice that many years tempted with SGA but not a single sex act with another man. I can definately make it through the rest of my life.
I did not choose to have SGA, but I have chosen not to follow those inclinations. Anyone striving to live a righteous life must learn how to set limits on sex, whether gay or straight. I'm being more true to myself by staying true to my beliefs. Giving in to SGA would be denying my true self and my true nature as child of God. SGA does not define who I am, but it does help me to find my true self by exposing SGA for what it is: a lie. It may seem attractive and exciting on the surface, but it will never lead to true happiness. I am willing to bear this struggle all of my life if need be. By doing this, I will at least be true to myself by staying true to what I believe at my core. I will deny myself of all ungodliness and come unto Christ.
4 comments:
I appreciate your resolve. I feel and understand your testimony and it's validity in your life - mine too! I see in you a great deal of strength.
I struggle with you feeling, however, that "SGA is a lie". Maybe choosing to live in a homosexual relationship may be counter to your beliefs, but having the feelings and attracts toward the same gender is NOT a lie - it just is - just like your depression just is... To say that SGA is a lie is to also say that depression is a fabricated illness.
I know that wasn't your primary point. Your strength and resolve is.
Anyway, thanks for having your voice out there!
[sigh]
You obviously don't need to solicit anyone’s advice. You seem much happier now.
Forester, I don't believe my SGA is the cause of my sadness either, except when I have felt the remorse of acting on them, which I've usually done in fairly mild ways, but sometimes in more serious ways.
I have bipolar disorder, and have "enjoyed" (just kidding) the ups and downs of that illness for many years. I've learned recently that my illness has greatly exaggerated my SGA feelings since I was about 18. I've had them for as long as I can remember, but just before my mission they became so much stronger.
When I am in a mildly manic state (I don't ever get super manic) I feel overly (hypo) sexual - it's part of the illness. When I'm depressed I feel overwhelming, consuming guilt, probably far beyond what is necessary to repent.
When I got on the appropriate medications and then the right dosage, my SGA feelings have diminished greatly but never disappeared. In other words, my illness was in large measure the cause of my great desire to act on my feelings of SGA. I still have the feelings, but they are so much milder, they are much more in the background.
I don't know if this makes any sense, but my whole perspective of my SGA has changed. I no longer feel that it is a heavy burden I must bear for the rest of my life. I suspect I'll have the attraction, but I can more easily deal with it.
It now feels more like an Ace bandage around my chest; it's not at all uncomfortable, but it's a reminder that I need to be careful.
I agree with Beck that SGA is not a lie: SGA just is. You didn't choose it: you must deal with it. Perhaps medication will help you. It has changed my life.
Much of what you've said here resonates with me because, for the most part, I don't feel compelled to follow through on any attractions that may come through SGA. Then again, maybe that's a perk of getting older. :)
Truthfully, I appreciate your words and your testimony. Thanks.
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