I sent an email a few days ago to my gay cousin who is living in a monogamous relationship with his partner. What follows is an excerpt from that email. It's about a dream I had and some things I've been feeling. Of course, the names have been changed.
"Hey John, I just needed somebody to talk to and thought I would send you a note. I've had a couple of dreams about you lately. The last one, the other night, we were at a family reunion at some resort in the mountains. You and your partner Mike were feeling dejected and others in the family were talking about you behind your back. Needless to say, I stood up for you. I let you know what was going on and you and Mike decided to leave. I was really torn because I didn't want to stay at the reunion without you guys, yet I also felt obligated to stay at the reunion with my wife. My kids weren't there for some reason. I needed your support in the dream and needed to talk to you some more. I was really sad to see you leave and wanted to really leave with you.
"Hey John, I just needed somebody to talk to and thought I would send you a note. I've had a couple of dreams about you lately. The last one, the other night, we were at a family reunion at some resort in the mountains. You and your partner Mike were feeling dejected and others in the family were talking about you behind your back. Needless to say, I stood up for you. I let you know what was going on and you and Mike decided to leave. I was really torn because I didn't want to stay at the reunion without you guys, yet I also felt obligated to stay at the reunion with my wife. My kids weren't there for some reason. I needed your support in the dream and needed to talk to you some more. I was really sad to see you leave and wanted to really leave with you.
There are a couple of things the dream made me realize. First, how much I respect you, feel a connection with you, and have a desire to talk to you and Mike in person. Second, it made me realize how torn I have been feeling over the past couple of years between being gay and living a straight, married life with kids. I've been trying to figure out a way to come and see you and Mike in Salt Lake but haven't found a way. I could tell my wife that I'm going on a business trip, but I don't particularly want to lie. However, I think in this case, I may need to do it anyway. I'm not thinking about leaving my wife, I just need some answers and need to talk to someone who would understand. I wish I could come tomorrow. That's how important I feel this is. Are you going to be in town the within the next couple of weeks?"
I haven't heard back from my cousin yet, but a trip to Salt Lake may do me some good. I would also like to meet a few of you who blog here.
I haven't heard back from my cousin yet, but a trip to Salt Lake may do me some good. I would also like to meet a few of you who blog here.
10 comments:
Hello...
Come the week of the Evergreen Conference...meet me... :)
There are a ton of cute guys at Evergreen confrences.
There may also be other reasons to attend.
i have a number of colleagues a neighbors who are gay, though no close relatives that i know of
i have thought a lot about coming out to them just to have someone to talk to--blogging is okay but has its limits
i have met one fellow blogger, but our paths don't cross and i haven't made the effort to talk him him
part of the problem is fear of being "outed" or being asked to justify my dual existence, which i would find difficult to do
Forester - Thanks for your latest comment on my blog, and thanks for sharing this dream, which I found really moving. I've had the real-life experience of being at a family reunion with my partner, and having certain members of the family refuse to talk to us, refuse to let their kids talk to us, etc.
If I were your cousin, and I had received an email like the one you sent, I would be very, very happy to talk with you. I admire your commitment to the Church and your family and your commitment to be inclusive of and loving toward all.
I would love to come the week of evergreen, but I would be too nervous to attend. That would be a big step for me.
I need to take more advantage of being able to talk to my cousin. He and I are the same age and were in the MTC together.
As for leading a dual life - I try not to look at it that way. Yes, many people don't know about my SGA, but I don't feel it is to the extent that I'm leading a dual life.
Ofcourse I don't understand the intricacies of your marriage, but what would happen IF you told her you were going, the real reason why, and then went? I've never been to an Evergreen conference, but I wish I could go, especially if I could go with my wife.
I have experienced greater intimacy and understanding, less isolation and longing, when I took the risk of step by step opening up and letting my companion know what was going on inside me. If you can't be open with her, how can you get to a solution that includes her?
Geckoman, yes someday I will tell my wife, but now is not the time. In fact, it may nots j be until the next life, I don't know. I've prayed about it, talked to my bishop about telling her and talked to a therapist about it. All agreed that the timing wasn't right. I really don't believe it would accomplish anything good, just create doubt where doubt is not needed. She would blame herself. It's just not the right time.
Forester-- you know there is this really great thing called telling the truth but not necessarily all of it. It sounds like your spirit and even your subconsious are telling you that you need your cousin's support in this moment. Couldn't you just say that you are going to visit him and other mission buddies and not explain everything? Maybe you could call up some utah friends and arrange some fun reunions with people from your past in the process. By the way, I'm clark and I'm new on the scene.. hope you don't mind me posting.
Hi,
I am jolly Forester from india am 27 yrs old & am a beautiful girl,am looking out 2 get married 2 a man who is a Forester can u plz help me.
U can get back 2 me on mysticjolly at gmail dot com
regards
jolly
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