Why is homosexuality considered a sin according to many church doctrines? Biblically, there are few, if any, real direct references to it. Within the LDS church, I know much about the doctrine of same gender attraction, but I don't always understand the reasoning. I also know why being gay is wrong for me, but is it wrong for everyone else as well? I am also very aware of what the consequences would be if I decided to have sex with another man. Is it these consequences that make the act a sin? The consequences for me, would be devastating. Is it only a sin because it hurts me and others in some way? I have more I want to write about this, but I want to hear some of your thoughts first.

DON'T READ THIS POST IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY SEXUALLY SUGGESTIVE LANGUAGE, INCLUDING THAT OF A GAY NATURE.

This is a hard post for me, but I need to talk about it, if not to help me understand what I did, then to at least seek some sort of absolvent. I'll start by just saying what I did, without any emotion or explanation, other than what was felt during my actions. I can always try and analyze everything later. I've wondered before if other gay men thought I was attractive, and even more, if they would want to have sex with me, strictly based on my looks. So, having time to myself this week, I took some photos of myself. They started innocent enough. I chose a great outfit that emphasized my physique, set the lighting, set-up the camera, set the timer, and began taking pictures.

The first set looked pretty good, but I thought that maybe I could unbutton my shirt to show off the tan I have been working on. These photos turned out pretty good as well. However, since I was by myself, I thought it wouldn't hurt to take my shirt off for a couple of photos. Then, I thought, why not unbutton my jeans a little. Then, I had a great idea to use a wet, white shirt - make it a little more sexy. Besides, I didn't have to show these photos to anyone if I didn't want to. I was just having some fun. The wet shirt looked great - I'd never worn totally wet clothes, let alone a white shirt with no undershirt. These photos suprised me a little because they looked so good. Incredibly sexy. I started thinking hey, I could be a model. This was getting real fun.

Then, you probably guessed it, why not try some nude photos. First, I used a towel to cover myself a little. I tried holding the towel in front of me, just enough to cover the real private parts. Wow, these photos looked incredible. They looked nothing like the Forester I and everyone else knows. I had no idea I could look so hot. So, I'm sure you know what comes next - I lost the towel all together. Yep, full frontal. I tried a lot of poses. I was so suprised that I even knew how to pose. What was I doing? This couldn't be good. But I became so involved in the lighting, the poses, like I was photographing someone else. In some ways, it was very artistic.

I ended up with a lot of incredible photos. Now what to do with them. Having been in gay chat rooms before (a long time ago), I thought that this would be a good venue. I wouldn't find anyone on there that I really knew - and if I did, they were probably there for the same reasons. My intent was not to look for a hook-up or to have internet sex, but to just find out if anyone thought I was hot. I downloaded a few of the better photos. At first, I only posted the clothed photos and some of the shirtless ones and waited to see if I got any comments. First it was a slow trickle of "Hi" and "How are you?" responses, then I got some more. This was going pretty good. I kept my conversations simple and out of harms way - no talk of sex. I would ask what they thought of the photos - actually, I found that many would comment on the photos right off "Great photos", "Nice face", "hot chest". This was great. I was getting a lot of guys telling me how great I looked. They were good compliments, nothing overly raunchy, just very flattering. So, I upped the anty. My heart was racing. I was getting caught up in the moment. I posted a few of the wet shirt and towel photos. However, you had to open my profile in order to see these photos. To my amazement (really, I was quite amazed), I started getting so many hits for private chat requests that I couldn't respond to all of them. By now my ego was getting the best of me - so why not post the full nude photos. It was scary, yet so exciting. However, it was getting out of hand. I was getting requests for sex. "Why not come over tonight for a drink" "we can just talk" or "we don't have to do anything if you don't want to, but you're so hot".

Then, something kicked me (or so it felt like). I was alone, but I realized what I was doing. I quickly pulled the plug on the internet connection (I have wireless, so I had to get up and walk into the other room). Still alone - family out of town. I couldn't believe what I had done, but needless to say, I was quite aroused by it all. Masturbation followed, but at least I was off the internet. I didn't even look at any porn (I'm usually pretty good about that, most of the porn offends me). Of course, I was the porn for others. I think being the porn is worse than looking at porn - but at the time, it didn't seem as bad.

I erased all of the photos on the camera and on my computer (I just realized I didn't delete the photos on the chat room profile, I better go do that - or maybe I should stay away all together - but I need to delete them).

My wife and kids are leaving town for a week, leaving me at home alone, open to my own devices. Without my family, I am not a very good person. I could never make it to heaven without them. I'm a little scared of what could happen while they are gone. Keep me in your prayers.

As with my previous post, I've been looking back at my life recently in an effort to assess where I've ended up. The past two or so years of my life have been two of the most difficult. It was a little over two years ago that I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I keep looking back, hoping to find answers to the why of this illness but have found few answers. In my research and understanding of gay Mormon men I have found that, for many, depression seems to be a natural occurance. Some would argue that the depression is rooted in the conflict of having feelings of SGA and trying to live a life based on the teachings of the church. For me, the correlation doesn't seem to exist, at least not as the root cause.

Before 2005 I would never have imagined that I would be diagnosed with clinical depression. I had no symptoms before 2005 and was mentally healthy. But when it hit, it hit hard. One day I woke up and couldn't go to work. The thought of doing so caused severe anxiety, which led to depression. Initially, I blamed my career. Then I blamed my propensity toward introversion as the cause of my illness. And yes, I did blame SGA to a certain degree. I learned that I had parts of my personality conflicting one with another. My career was conflicting with my desire to be an artist or a musician. I felt like a part of me was dying internally - a part that I didn't want to lose. This alone created a lot of anxiety and depression. In general, I learned that my anxiety was playing a huge role in my depression.

Now today, having gone through the healing process, I see that in most respects I was mistaken. I actually enjoy my career. I enjoy the life that I have built and find great satisfaction in my successes as a father and husband. I feel the old self coming back to life after being submerged for more than two years. I still have days when I feel like a failure, but now, instead of these feelings taking over, I simply move forward, knowing that I'm doing okay.

I have begun to accept where my journey through life has taken me. I kept fighting against (and still do to some degree) the life that God has given me. Overall, I'm where he wants me to be right now and I'm headed in the right direction. I don't know why I fought it so much. I kept saying to myself that I wanted something different - a different career, a different life. I would ask myself, what happened to my childhood dreams? For the most part I fealt that my dreams were never going to become a reality, that they had been taken from me, and I began to panic, grasping for a glimmer of what I wanted, trying to hold on to the last remnants of who I was and what defined me. For two years I panicked and tried desperately to move back onto the course I wanted for myself. I believed that what I wanted is what God also wanted. It has taken me more than two years of kicking and screaming to finally realize that I'm okay, that this is what God has planned for me. I constantly want control of my life and try everything to maintain this control.

It seems like such a simple lesson, one that we've all been taught since childhood. We will never have complete control over our lives. Some things have to be left to God and his divine plan for our lives. But why is letting go of this errant control so difficult? The control that I thought I had was never really there. I was illuding myself. So here I am, the beginning of the new me - or is it really the old me, the one that was always there, but refused to accept. We are all divine. My focus now is to hold onto this divinity and cherish it more than I have in the past.

Like many of us, I have been going through a transformation for the past two years. The transformation stems from many variables: our gayness, growing older, going through trials, and just life in general. But what if we're not happy with our transformation. I don't feel like I've reached where I want to be in terms of being gay, married, a faithful member of the church, a husband, a father, a friend. I had a different picture of where I would be in my life right now. I think we all did. How could we have ever imagined our plight as gay married men. I say plight, focusing on the trials. But, there are the positives of being gay, right?

The majority of us just want to be right with God. Meaning we want to be where He wants us to be. Is my life on the right path? Is this where he wants to be right now in my life? I just want to be able to serve him and help others. I don't want to have to worry about myself and my own struggles anymore. I won't even get started on my other trials of work and mental health. Maybe if I just focus on others, instead of so much on myself, I will end up where Christ wants me to be. Maybe everything else will miraculously fall into place if I just forget about myself.

When I start thinking about where I want to be and what I want in my life, I just get stressed out and depressed. When I look at myself, I see a big failure at my career, a gay man who is afraid to tell his wife, a husband who can't please his wife, a Father who isn't much of a role model, a friend who is really quite boring, and a member of a church he loves but is falling very short of being a very good disciple.

I started this post thinking that I would make a pledge to myself to be a better person, a better disciple of Christ. I was going to set goals and begin another transformation, but this time a transformation that I had more control over. We've been instructed to not just "go with the flow", but it seems that the "flow" is the "refiner's fire" that is molding me into something else, that I just don't understand right now. I'm having a hard time seeing the big picture anymore. Is this the way it's supposed to be?

In his most recent post, Young Stranger describes his love for his partner in these words: "My relationship with my partner is not defined by our "gayness." It is defined by our love. Love is the word I claim. The love between us is built on a larger foundation of love, on our Heavenly Parents' boundless love for each of us. If it is not, it cannot possibly last, because if I do not let an understanding of God's love for him structure how I behave in relation to him, I risk becoming trapped in self, letting my own ego become the guide to our relationship."

I was preparing a post that was to use similar wording for my relationship with my wife. Just as his gayness does not define his relationship with his partner, my gayness does not define my relationship with my wife. I could easily replace the words he uses of "partner" and "his" with "wife" and "hers" in the above paragraph to describe my situation of a mixed-orientation marriage. There are those who would say that a gay man marrying a straight woman makes very little sense and only serves to create problems and cause unhappiness. Yes, it does create many problems which could lead to unhappiness, but for me, the benefits far outweigh any struggles. Just as Young Stranger suggests in his post, our relationships are defined by our love.

I do not deny that physical attraction is part of a healthy, loving relationship. I've come to realize this even more lately. Physical attraction is an integral part of a relationship. I've always been attracted to my wife, but just as with any relationship, over time, that physical attraction can diminish over time. Just as we have to work at our relationship in other ways, the physical part requires some work. It's my understanding that this can be the case in straight relationships as well. Is it harder for me because I'm gay? Probably. But I don't let it become more of a problem than it's worth. Perspective helps. Physical attraction helps. But even more importantly, love helps. It's that love for each other and for Christ that conquers all obstacles and allows me to continue on this path I have chosen. It is a good path. It's the path that Christ wants me to follow. It's the path that allows me the greatest chance at happiness in this life and in the life to come. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would still choose the same path, even knowing the struggles that have come from this decision. In the end, I can put aside being gay. In the end, what really matters, as Young Stranger puts it, is the love we share between each other and with Christ.

I feel like I don't know what to write anymore. The days go by, nothing has really changed. My attraction for men comes and goes, but most of the time it's still there, in the background of my life, sometimes forcing its way into a more prominent position. I'm dedicated to my wife and family. I love them and want to be with them every day.

I've been working on my sexual attraction for my wife, but it takes a lot of work and discipline. I'm angry that I have to work on it at all. Isn't sex supposed to come easily? I feel bad for my wife. I love her and am attracted to her in so many ways. She's actually quite stunning physically. Sometimes I think she deserves better than me. Someone who can hardly keep his hands off her. I love just being close to her. I try and make up for it in other ways; cleaning the house, helping more with the kids, just being a better husband in whatever way I can. But I feel like I'll never be able to make it up to her.

I still haven't told her about my attraction for men. I debate back in forth in my mind, weighing the pros and cons, trying so hard not to hurt anyone. I don't want anyone, especially my wife, to suffer for something that is a part of who I am. She would not understand, and for me to ask her to understand something that she never could, just isn't necessary. I guess I don't believe in total disclosure. If I felt that I needed her support, I might tell her. Right now, I don't see my attraction to men as a big deal. It's just part of who I am. Right now I need her support in other ways and for other things that are way more important than my attraction for men. Do guys in heterosexual relationships break the news to their wives that they look at other women? All of us have to keep our attractions, whether they be to men or women, under control. I've made a commitment to love and honor my wife, and only her. None of us are perfect, we make mistakes, but we move forward. I don't dwell on my other weaknesses. But I want to be clear that I don't consider my attraction to men to be a weakness. My weakness is not being totally faithful to my wife. Being attracted to the same sex does not mean I am automatically unfaithful or a bad person.

I've developed a close relationship with a guy over the past two years. I helped him through a divorce (his second) and have been helping him come to terms with his membership in the church and his beliefs. We have become very close friends and I have told him on occasion that I loved him and am grateful for his friendship. Yesterday, I went to his house to hang out for an hour or so on my lunch break, which at times can turn into three or four hours and lots of shopping, driving, hiking, etc. But lately, we have been seeing each other less often. He is not gay, extremely good looking and knows that I am gay.

Yesterday, before lunch, we sat on his couch. He was on his cell phone, sitting forward on the edge of the couch. I was leaning back, reclined, giving me the advantage of looking at him from behind. I had an incredible feeling of wanting to lean up against him, lay my head on his back, or at least put my hand on his back, but I knew I couldn't. He would react negatively. Instead, I just moved my hand closer to his leg on the couch, wanting to touch him, but I didn't. I just moved it as close as I could get without touching. We sat there for a few minutes while he talked on the phone. What would be so wrong about rubbing his back or putting my hand on his back? Why would he take offense? If I tried to touch him, would I then lose his trust?

Before I told him that I was gay, he had no problem undressing - dressing in front of me. One time he asked me to put lotion on his back. We were at a park and I was so uncomfortable doing this in public that it eradicated any pleasure I might have had in feeling his bare skin. On another occasion, he was trying on some of my shirts to borrow one. He wasn't wearing any undershirt and it was incredible to be next to him, so close. This was soon after I told him that I was gay. He noticed something was wrong and asked me what it was. I told him the truth - that I wanted so much to touch his chest. He handled it very well, but he has never taken off his shirt in front of me again. If I were straight, we would hug more often like we used to, we would have more contact and we wouldn't worry about it like we do now. In this respect, I hate that I ever told him I was gay - not because I want to take advantage of him in a sexual type of way, only because I want to be close to him, like we used to be. I thought coming out to him would make us closer, and I guess in some ways it has, but in reality, I feel further away from him.

Yesterday, when he finished his phone conversation, he stood up and turned to look at me. He immediately looked down at my hand and for an instant realized how close it had been to him. He didn't say anything, but I could see in his eyes his disapproval. At lunch he asked why we hadn't been seeing each other as much as we used to. I told him that because he was now through the divorce and remarried that he hadn't needed me as much. He stated that he didn't want us to have to need each other in order to be friends. I just sat there silent, not telling him how much I depended on that need as an integral part of our friendship. I couldn't tell him that. The risk of seeing that disapproval in his eyes again would hurt too much.

Is it really possible? Is it possible to control same-gender attraction within a mixed-orientation marriage? I've already made a lot of the hard decisions. I've been able to marry an incredible woman, have children and have an incredible family life. I've been attracted to my wife and able to perform sexually. But, with all this, I'm still attracted to men. I've been through bouts of moderate porn addiction. I've been through occasions where I nearly hooked-up with another guy. I've chatted on-line with other gay men. I've met other gay men with whom I was attracted and would have liked to pursue a friendship and possibly more. But, I never seem to follow through on any of these. I've been able to put the internet porn and chat rooms at bay. I no longer chat with gay men, but I do look at the occasional porn - maybe once a month - and even then it's not really graphic porn. Is it okay to view a little porn once a month in order to keep any more serious transgression at bay? So far, it has worked for the most part, but not without damage to my spirit.

I want to be completely clean, all of the time. I don't know if I will ever be free of same gender attraction, but it seems that I can keep it "under control" to a certain degree. Will it always be a struggle not to look at any porn and/or masturbate? And if so, do I consider this a small trade-off for being able to have a wife and family? Does this mean I will never be clean in this life, no matter how many times I repent, because I know eventually that I will make a mistake? Are there others, in my same situation, who are having better success? I think that overall, I can live a happy and fulfilled life in a mixed-orientation marriage, stay active in the church, true to my beliefs, attend the temple and serve in callings. But can I raise the bar? Should I try harder with the potential of greater success but also a greater possibility of failure? Or do I just continue on my current, relatively successful course, accepting my weaknesses, and perhaps knowing that this is the best I can do?

I've been told a few times by a close frined of mine, who is aware that I am attracted to men, that I'm not special. He suggests that the more we believe our situation to be unique among all other temptations, the more we will become dissatisfied and angered with the church, with ourselves and with life in general. This assumes that our attractions are temptations, nothing more and nothing less. I think what I have learned over the years is that the physical aspect of homosexuality is a sin, however all other behavioral and psychological aspects may or may not be considered a sin, depending on the situation and the extent to which these aspects are publicly voiced. In my view, longing for and having close male relationships that do not involve a sexual component is not a sin.

I know this view is a greatly simplified context for discussing whether or not certain actions and feelings are considered sinful, but if isolating the physical from the emotional helps to draw a boundary that I can understand and implement, then surely it can serve a positive purpose. We really aren't all that special and deserve no more attention from the church than any other member. Is more really asked of us as compared to other members of the church? If I had my choice, I think being attracted to men is much easier to deal with than most of the other challenges faced by members of the church.

I think I just may have convinced my LDS therapist that now is not the time to tell my wife about my same gender attraction. He has been encouraging me to discuss it with her, in an open and loving way. I still believe that revealing these feelings to her would be counter-productive and could do more damage than good to both her and myself. Part of me does still yearn to tell her and I will tell her someday, just not right now. Someday could be a week from today, years from now or even in the next life. I've prayed about telling her and continue to get the impression that there is no need to rush into it. When the time is right, I will receive the guidance I need to move forward.

Part of the basis for not telling her comes from the idea that my attraction to men is not as black and white as the world would have us believe. Having feelings of same gender attraction does not mean that I am gay. Coming out to my wife has the potential of creating a black and white scenario where I am portrayed as being gay in the world view of what being gay means. I know this sounds like I am playing with semantics here, trying to re-define what it means to be gay. But isn't that what we, as married gay mormons are attempting to do? We question all that the world has taught us about being gay. We attempt to erase the line of gay and straight by living a life that is in essence both gay and straight. Some may say that we must then be bisexual, being able to marry and have children while still being attracted to men. But this too is not inherently true. I am not attracted to other women, but I am attracted to my wife.

It has been possible in my life to diminish my attraction for men. I'm not sure how this is possible, but it has and does occur. I must be careful however in this endeavor. I do not place myself in a position of success and failure, with success being the total loss of attraction to men. Success for me is getting to the point where I am willing to accept all that the Father has in store for me. I believe that He can take away my feelings of same gender attraction, but whether he will do it or not does not play into my ideas of success, nor does it determine my happiness. I have learned that I can be happy today, just as I am. If tomorrow, God decides to take away these feelings, then I will accept that, but if not, I will continue to live the best that I can with what I have been given. Having feelings of same gender attraction does not mean that I am less of a person. It does not imply that I need to be fixed. It does not require that I overcome a sinful state. I am clean, I am whole, just as I am. Being faithful to my wife and holding true to the covenants I have made with God is what makes me clean, whole and happy. This is the right path for me and my life. This is what I have chosen, and I rejoice that God has given me a choice to live the way I want to live - to follow His guidance, even though at times it seams difficult and seams to make no logical sense.

Feelin' groovy. If all else fails, try sedation. I'm back on a drug I had weened myself off of a year ago because of its side effects. But, considering my current state of depression versus a few side effects, the drugs won. Seroquel is an interesting specimen of a drug. It ensures that you experience no lows by also taking away the highs. It makes you feel so drowsy and sedate that nothing really matters.

With respect to SGA, and by comparrison, I've reached this same level of no highs and no lows. However, with SGA, it's not drug induced. Somehow, I've reached a point where I have few sexual desires, and when I do, they can be either gay or straight (bisexual?). Sometimes niether side wins out and I feel asexual. I'm guessing that this is due to the depression. A decreased libedo is one of the symptoms. This, in and of itself, has been a good thing since it has made it much easier to resist temptation. However, it also leaves me feeling quite bland - like I have no sexual identity. It's a very puzzling situation. Can anyone relate?

I've really come to hate posting on my blog. It makes me think about things I would prefer to ignore. It makes me take a hard look at who I am and what I think and believe. It also exposes much of my weaknesses. I don't like being weak. I don't like being afraid. I don't like having to confront life. Life can be so beautiful. Or at least, it used to be. Now I just don't know anymore. I hate seeing others suffer. I hate seeing myself suffer. I hate the repercussions of the fall of Adam. I hate having to toil in order to feed myself and family. I try hard to focus on what is good and beautiful, but when I do, something always hits me from behind. Then when I am down, I get kicked over and over again, not only by myself, but by others as well.

I used to be able to find refuge, to get back on my feet and continue climbing. But lately it has been too hard. How many times do I have to give my life over to Him? Am I not humbled to the earth? I'm too small and weak for the fight. I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to be happy and make others happy.

If you haven't noticed, I have clinical depression. I was diagnosed over two years ago. The extent to which my gayness lends to the depression is very debatable. It doesn't help, but I don't believe it is the major reason. In fact, I don't believe there is a major cause or reason. I've been in therapy for two years and nothing seems to really come of it. I sort things out, get advice, learn ways of battling this illness, but it feels as though so little of the illness is psychological. It's more physical than I had ever imagined. I've thought about opening a separate blog about depression, but for now, you guys will have to bear with me. I really didn't intend this post to be about depression and I don't want the link to being gay, married and Mormon and depressed to be assumed. Compared with all of the ugliness in the world, being gay, married and Mormon is almost nothing.

So why then all these posts about being gay, married and Mormon if it's not really that big of a deal? Maybe because it allows me to focus on something. It allows me to look at all aspects of my life and how they combine into one great whole. Blogging is also a way to gather sympathy and support. I blog because I am afraid. Afraid of not knowing who I am. Afraid of facing myself. Afraid of facing the world. I worry that it is exhibitionism. That I have some need to show the world who I am, when in reality I'm just trying to show myself who I am.

I really have nothing profound to say right now, but I wanted to just let everyone know how I'm doing. Things have been up and down the last few weeks. I had the opportunity to meet one of the mohos who blog in person for lunch and really enjoyed myself, apart from being very nervous. He was very nice and would make a good friend. I also had the opportunity to meet another blogging moho in person this week but turned him down. Basically, I don't think I can make friendships behind my wife's back. I still haven't told her about my feelings of SGA and still don't think I can right now. However, I regret not being able to make friends.

If I told my wife, would I then be able to meet other mohos? And if so, I would then have to tell her about this blog site because she would want to know how I met these guys. Would she want me to make friends on here? Would she want me to stop blogging? If I kept blogging with her knowledge, my blogs would change since they would no longer be anonymous. Would telling her mean the end of this blog site? I don't think I'm ready for a change of this magnitude, but if it meant that I could develop closer relationships with some of you then maybe it would be worth it. On the other hand, it could mean the end of blogging with all of you and never being able to meet you.

In response to my previous post, Geckoman expressed my feelings perfectly; "I feel out-of-sync with my personal integrity, am disappointed with life's outcomes, full of stress, depressed, and so lack desire." (And now paraphrasing) I repeatedly knock my head against the wall of same gender attraction while still trying to make it all fit within the perfect LDS framework of eternal families. It's hard to believe in myself, that I'll ever succeed at my previously committed goal.

While feeling this way, today I came across the following reassuring quote from an article by Steven Covey:

"You have to look at each case on its own merit. No case is black and white. It takes real judgment to know what you should do. You may feel that you operate "between a rock and a hard place." Still, with a well-educated conscience or internal compass, you will rarely, if ever, be in a situation where you only have one bad option. You will always have choices. If you wisely exercise your unique endowments, some moral option will be open to you. So much depends on how well you educate your conscience, your internal compass...The more internal uncertainty you feel, the larger the grey areas will be. You will always have some grey areas, particularly at the extremity of your education and experience. And to grow, you need to go to that extremity and learn to make those choices based on what you honestly believe to be the right thing to do."

And from the same article, "As human beings, we have four unique endowments: self-awareness, conscience, independent will, and creative imagination that not only separate us from the animal world, but also help us to distinguish between reality and illusion, to transform the clock into a compass, and to align our lives with the extrinsic realities that govern quality of life. Self-awareness enables us to examine our paradigms, to look at our glasses as well as through them, to think about our thoughts, to become aware of the psychic programs that are in us, and to enlarge the separation between stimulus and response. Self-aware, we can take responsibility for reprogramming or rescripting ourselves out of the stimulus-response mode. Many movements in psychology, education, and training are focused on an enlarged self-consciousness. Most popular self-help literature also focuses upon this capacity. Self-awareness, however, is only one of our unique endowments. Conscience puts us in touch with something within us even deeper than our thoughts and something outside us more reliable than our values. It connects us with the wisdom of the ages and the wisdom of the heart. It's an internal guidance system that allows us to sense when we act or even contemplate acting in a way that's contrary to our deepest values and "true north" principles. Conscience is universal. By helping companies and individuals develop mission statements, I have learned that what is most personal is most general. No matter what people's religions, cultures, or backgrounds are, their mission statements all deal with the same basic human needs to live (physical and financial), to love (social), to learn (educational), and to leave a legacy (spiritual).
Independent will is our capacity to act, the power to transcend our paradigms, to swim upstream, to re-write our scripts, to act based on principles rather than reacting based on emotions, moods, or circumstances. While environmental or genetic influences may be very powerful, they do not control us. We're not victims. We're not the product of our past. We are the product of our choices. We are "response-able," meaning we are able to choose our response. This power to choose is a reflection of our independent will. Creative imagination empowers us to create beyond our present reality. It enables us to write personal mission statements, set goals, plan meetings, or visualize ourselves living our mission statements even in the most challenging circumstances. We can imagine any scenario we want for the future. If our imagination has to go through the straightjacket of our memory, what is imagination for? Memory is limited. It's finite; it deals with the past. Imagination is infinite; it deals with the present and the future, with potentiality, with vision and mission and goals with anything that is not now but can be. The man-on-the-street approach to success is to work harder, to give it the "old college try." But unless willpower is matched with creative imagination, these efforts will be weak and ineffective."

I've been on a spiritual low lately that I can't seem to get out of. I enjoyed going to church last Sunday, but had a hard time feeling the Spirit. I also haven't been to the temple in awhile or read the scriptures. My personal prayers are also lacking. I tend to go through cycles, but this cycle has lasted longer than usual. I think I need some time alone to replenish my spirit and start seeking answers to some questions that have been lurking around for a long time. Questions like what do I really want from this journey through SGA? What is the next step? What do I really want from my church membership and my relationship with God? What do I do with the knowledge I have received over the past year from blogging and reading blogs about other gay Mormons? There is so much I don't know about myself, and so much more I want to learn. I'm at a crossroads in my life and believe there is so much good that can come from it. I'm excited for the future, but also full of fear and doubt. How do I move forward with faith, believing in myself and in the principles I have come to know and trust?

I sent an email a few days ago to my gay cousin who is living in a monogamous relationship with his partner. What follows is an excerpt from that email. It's about a dream I had and some things I've been feeling. Of course, the names have been changed.

"Hey John, I just needed somebody to talk to and thought I would send you a note. I've had a couple of dreams about you lately. The last one, the other night, we were at a family reunion at some resort in the mountains. You and your partner Mike were feeling dejected and others in the family were talking about you behind your back. Needless to say, I stood up for you. I let you know what was going on and you and Mike decided to leave. I was really torn because I didn't want to stay at the reunion without you guys, yet I also felt obligated to stay at the reunion with my wife. My kids weren't there for some reason. I needed your support in the dream and needed to talk to you some more. I was really sad to see you leave and wanted to really leave with you.

There are a couple of things the dream made me realize. First, how much I respect you, feel a connection with you, and have a desire to talk to you and Mike in person. Second, it made me realize how torn I have been feeling over the past couple of years between being gay and living a straight, married life with kids. I've been trying to figure out a way to come and see you and Mike in Salt Lake but haven't found a way. I could tell my wife that I'm going on a business trip, but I don't particularly want to lie. However, I think in this case, I may need to do it anyway. I'm not thinking about leaving my wife, I just need some answers and need to talk to someone who would understand. I wish I could come tomorrow. That's how important I feel this is. Are you going to be in town the within the next couple of weeks?"

I haven't heard back from my cousin yet, but a trip to Salt Lake may do me some good. I would also like to meet a few of you who blog here.

I haven't had this problem before, or at least hadn't really noticed it too much, but today in EQ I couldn't stop staring at all the good looking guys. My ward has an abnornally high proportion of fine looking 25-35 year old men. Rather than continue in my seemingly sinful state (not that I necessarily felt guilty for having these feelings), I got up and left about half way through the meeting. I didn't leave because I was overwhelmed by guilt, I left because I was feeling sad and irritated that I couldn't pursue any of them. Like I said, I don't think I've felt this way before. It was more overwhelming than usual. Typically, I would feel more guilt about wanting to see these guys naked, but today I just didn't want to feel anything regarding SGA, whether it was attraction, guilt, longing, pitty for myself, hatred toward myself, anger for having to deal with this, or whatever feeling associated with this plight I am in. So, I got myself out of the situation. I went down to the gas station and bought a Coke and sat in the car, just not thinking about my SGA.

Do I really want to have sex with these guys? What is it that I'm longing for? What price am I willing to pay to get it? I want to be closer to these men but I don't know how or don't have the courage. I don't fit in. I want to be like them. I want to be straight, but I don't really know what that means. I don't know what it is that I'm feeling. The world calls it gay, the church calls it SGA. All I know is that this is how I feel and I go from day to day, trying to do what is right. I have obligations to a family I love and can't imagine being without.

So what is it that keeps me from pursuing a relationship with another man? What is it that I do from day to day that allows me to stay with my wife and kids, attend the temple, take the sacrament and participate in all church functions? What are the daily functions that I adhere to that keep me where I'm at? I'm not sure if there is any safe and sound, tried methodology. I, like many of you in my same position try to pray daily, read the scriptures, serve in my calling, fulfill my obligations as a husband and father, hold family home evening with my family, and attend church each Sunday. Are these the things that keep me from giving-in to my need for a male relationship? I know these things help, but I can't imagine that they are the determining factors.

Perhaps it is because I have a personal testimony of the teachings of Christ as taught by the church. But, this too, in and of itself could not be the determining factor. So what is it? Maybe I'm afraid to lose my wife and family. I also don't believe that pursuing a relationship with another man will really make me happy. All these things combined could lead to my not taking action on feelings within me that are so powerful and seem so natural. But I also know there are others who are doing the same things on a daily basis, who feel the same way I do, who have strong testimonies and beliefs in place that are even stronger than my own, who have decided to pursue a same-gender relationship. So what is the determining factor? Does it simply come down to making a choice? A choice that I must make on a daily and sometimes hourly basis?

I definitely don't claim to be perfect. There are times I regress and look at porn, usually being more offended than aroused. But if I can find just the right amount of "soft" porn, I can be aroused without being offended. Do I look at images and videos of naked men because I have a need to do so, with the end result being masturbation? Yet, I seem to be able to get up each morning, kneel before my God and my Creator, sincerely asking for forgiveness and moving on with my life and my daily responsibilities of work, family, church and society. I read yesterday in the scriptures that sharing your testimony can help with forgiveness of sin. I think I should share my testimony more often.

So here I am, writing this blog, trying to piece it together and make sense of it all, but it's simply too miraculous to make any sense. Ah, there it is. It's a miracle. It's not just what I do each day, and the choices I make, it's a heavenly gift. Perhaps it has correlation with the greatest sacrifice of all. It's the process of forgiveness and allowing myself to receive this most incredible gift from a loving and understanding Heavenly Father. There is no way that I could deal with my beliefs, my convictions and same gender attraction on my own. It's not simply what I do and what I believe, it's what is freely given to me. His grace. His love. His perfect love. Christ's love.

I'M NOT GAY! I no longer want to be associated with this label, or any label for that matter. I am me, an individual. I understand the need to be associated with a group of people, to band together, to support each other and to feel accepted. Although there are many good reasons for being identified with a group of people (in this case men who are attracted to men), I've just recently begun to notice some of the harmful and damaging consequences of labeling myself as gay. Having feelings of same gender attraction, or "struggling" with SGA as many in the church use, is also not acceptable to me. Using SGA fits closer to what I feel and believe but it's still a label I am not comfortable with.

Some of you may say that I'm in denial, and perhaps I am, but the point I am trying to make is that I am seeing a negative side in myself, and in others who blog here, that really bothers me. For those of us who have decided not to act on our feelings of SGA (meaning that we have chosen not to have sexual relations outside of marriage between a man and a woman), using the broad term of "gay" implies too much. The main negative consequence I have noticed in myself is that my focus has changed or has become too narrow. I feel like I'm limiting myself to being gay or not gay. Although I didn't choose to be gay or be attracted to men, I am now choosing not to be gay. I think what this means is that this is isn't the sole focus of my sexual identity, nor is it a major defining piece of who I am. Our lives really are greater than the sum of our parts. When considered with how complex we are, feelings of SGA begin to take on a much smaller role.